I'm going to send this entry up to the page using my high-bandwidth fractional T1 connection for the last time :(. Hopefully I'll experience the wonders of DSL in the very near future, but we'll have to see. I'm busy e-mailing and zipping up all the files that I want to keep and trashing out all the files I don't on my work computer. What annoys me is that a shareware D&D program, "Tome of Vast Knowledge" has somehow gotten into my "Admin only" files and I can't delete it off my drive. I doubt this will cause any problems, since I suspect this computer is going to be flatlined, but I feel slightly embarassed having a D&D program on my work computer -- hell, I only wanted to see what it looked like.

I think I'll just be lazy over the weekend; the real work starts Monday. I have to get stuff into boxes and packed up. Clio, bless her heart, has offered to rent a ShurGard storage unit (the one they deliver to your house, then take away and put in a warehouse) so that Cliff and I can get our annoying stuff out of her way and leave her precious house to her. I have to say that I truly feel as if I'm getting the short end of the stick on this deal -- she has the house, the job, the kid, the relationship (yeah, yeah... She's got someone moving in the moment I'm out the door), the family, and I've got... Well, I've got my computer, my car, my books, my miniatures, the clothes on my back, and a severance check. I love her but I'm still not 100% sure why she's doing this, and I think neither is she. At my last session with my counselor, she told me that even after talking with us both, she wasn't even sure why Clio was leaving. Her reasons were "very vague and general." At least I can take some comfort in the notion that I'm not the only one who's puzzled by this.

I received my screenwriting and character development software last night, including Dramatica Writer's Dream Kit, which is basically "Dramatica Lite." As you can see from their website, Dramatica is a very complex system for analyzing and structuring character and plot, and sort of fits into its own niche. The Dramatica Pro software costs 3x as much and is probably 3x as complex, too... I'm glad I'm starting with the less complex version; I can always upgrade later. I'm hoping it will help me turn my (hopefully) entertaining stories into meaningful stories with vivid characters. We shall see.

As I said yesterday, I'm rereading The Odyssey and Joseph Campbell's The Hero with a Thousand Faces for more insight into the hero myth, as applied to the artist, the author, the screenwriter, and my own life in particular. Those not familiar with Campbell's work and how it applies to modern as well as ancient storytelling, should read this book and see how universal our beliefs and legends are. The most important aspect of Campbell's archetypes, however, is not how they relate to such diverse tales as Star Wars and the Epic of Gilgamesh, but how they relate to us.

In a very good A&E series, The Great Books, narrator Donald Sutherland says of The Odyssey: "Odysseus' journey is our own journey, writ large." It is through the journey of the hero that we find our own way, and through mytholigizing our own lives that we find our own deeper truths. I haven't been very good at this in recent years, but now I hope to get back on that track and see something more meaningful in the struggles I've been through. In the end, that can only benefit my own work, my own writing, and my own self-image, which I'm sorry to say has taken a fearful beating of late.
 

Not to turn this enjoyable exercise in Internet communication and creative writing into a treatise on the universality of myth, but I think you'll agree that, if nothing else, a mythic model makes our own lives a hell of a lot more interesting.

Oh, yeah... I wrote more on Zombie yesterday, too... Ho-hum, another evil sorcerer, this time a "slumbering" voodoo priest and his army of zombies. I hope I'm not falling into a rut. Once this thing is finished, I will swear off undead as villains for at least the next couple of years. How about a hot vampire babe to make up for all the slamming I've been doing, lately?

Wheeee... My final meeting with HR is in just three short hours... Damn, I need to get out of here. I think I'm going to be in the market for a girlfriend real soon, too... Any volunteers? :)

My latest indulgence is the purchase of a QuickLink pen-scanner (there's that "shoving words together to make a product name" thing again), a hand-held scanner that got great reviews (the other pen-scanner on the market apparently is a piece of junk) and supposedly holds up to 1000 scanned pages! I could be the world's coolest secret agent with one of those things! Damn! Now that just leaves the PDA and I'll be all set for limitless adventure...

January 26, 2000
Boy, this week's been spotty. I've had a cold for the last five days so that kind of dampens my ardor for keeping the journal page up (I just sneezed a big one, in fact), but I AM at work, and I AM trying to be a good boy until they release me tomorrow, and for the ten days it will take to get my severance check in the mail.

Despite illness, we got a goodly number of things taken care of. I'm almost on top of all my bills, I bought a new HDD for my computer (27.2GB!), another 64MB of RAM for $70 (for which dear old Fry's wanted charge me $130), and a Xerox XE80 WorkCenter printer/copier. The clerk informed me that this model, though it has all the features that we want, still had a slight reliability problem, so I got the extended warranty and I'll be ready should the damned thing ever blow up on me. So far, it works swell, and it's nice to have a printer that doesn't give out after the 300-400 pages, like that piece of crap inkjet I've been using for the past few years.

The last two "toys" that I want to get are a Visor PDA and a pen-style hand scanner. These aren't really toys, they're valuable business/life tools, but I'm putting them lower on my list of priorities, since getting the car fixed and things squared away for my move is my primary goal right now.

Yes, the car... It cost a little more than I'd budgeted, but one left front bearing, one fuel pump and $329 later the Honda runs like a champ, doesn't wobble at high speeds, and when I start the engine, it actually STAYS started. Scary. Now I need new tires and a really good detailing job and I'll be happy.

I also ordered a few pieces of software, including Dramatica, StoryBuilder and ScriptWriter Pro (ever notice how folks who name software love to run two perfectly good words together to make a third Frankensteinian monstrosity? WordPerfect, FoxPro, LANRover, etc.), which Cliff and I intend to use to sharpen our storytelling skills.

I admit that in addition to being sick, I am at least making some attempts to claim my own life back again; I'm actually using my slack time to read instead of chase around after bills or family issues, I'm starting to feel more like a storyteller again, I'm considering different ways of structuring my life over the next  year or two that will make me happier, but won't short change people who need me, like Devon.

Hell, I actually read Fight Club. After seeing the movie, I felt compelled to get the book, seeing as it was written by a Portlander, and has caused all sorts of sturm und drang in the literary world. The fact is that a) it's very short, b) it's episodic and non-linear, c) it has some rough edges, d) it's actually pretty good, but e) I liked the movie better, since it managed to capture the conflicts and the characters much more vividly.

Now, I'm reading The Odyssey and Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces for more insight into the hero myth.

Did a bit more on Zombie today. I'm coming to the conclusion that the story is progressing in a different direction than I'd originally envisioned (a common complaint, I understand), which will probably invalidate the little "snippet" that I have posted over in Extras. Well, we're all friends here, so I think you'll forgive me. Tonight, more work on the .pdf file as well. Forgive me if things go slowly. Life changes have a way of screwing up your artistic side...

I'm checking out web pages for LASFS, the LA Science Fiction Society, which I think I will join once I get down there. They've met every SINGLE Thursday since 1934, undeterred by war, fire, famine, plague, earthqueake, flood or tsunami, so perhaps they'll present some stability for me. I'll try not to get my relationship with them as fucked up as my relationship with the Portland SF Society. With any luck I'll get to meet some of the giants of sf/f and fandom, and maybe make a few valuable contacts while I do so.

Just three more hours to go today. I'm hoping that when I get home I'll have a nice bright shiny 64MB DIMM waiting on my doorstep. Like I said, it doesn't take much to keep me happy.

On the job front, well, this is my next-to-last week at egghead.com; next Thursday will be my last day. Unfortunately for me, Washington state, where I work (though I live in Oregon) has a very enlightened law which nevertheless works against me. An employee asked to sign a severance agreement has ten days in which he or she can back out and say "forget it." That means that a severance check cannot be issued until the agreement is in force, so I will have to wait ten days for my money. The reason for this is a good one -- it prevents employees from getting railroaded into "take it or leave it" severance agreements ("Leave NOW and you get $5,000; leave later and get NOTHING -- bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa..."). Don't laugh -- it happened to a friend of mine in the course of a corporate coup in which the new Mister Big squeezed out all the allies of the old Mister Big with high-pressure severance agreements. However, it shoots down my plans to leave in early February.

That means we won't be leaving for Cali until at least Feb. 11, probably later. I REALLY don't want to be in town for Valentine's Day (Feb. 14 for my overseas brothers and sisters), and I REALLY want to get down to business in LA as soon as possible. The upside is that I'll have two weeks with no work to get ready, pack up, put stuff in storage, say goodbye and possibly organize a going-away party. Cliff will be able to give two weeks' notice, as well.

Anyone reading this live in LA? I could come by and exploit your wealth...

Redshade Part 3 is up, completing the saga. My thanks to Richard for his patience during my travails. More work on Mark of the Zombie to come... I will TRY to get it posted before I leave on the 11th/12th/13th, etc. I definitely will have the .pdf file of Stormking finished and available for download or purchase, though I will definitely need permission from all the artists in order to reproduce their work.

Once I'm settled, I can get back to some of my other projects -- Alex St. John, the roleplaying pages, a new Thystra AD&D campaign, Wulf miniatures/photos/dioramas, a possible Wulf comic (with help from the venerable Drool, once he gets back on-line), and other fun stuff. Oh, yeah -- my screenplays, novels and possible comic scripts, too. Those probably won't get started again until at least March, possibly April, but they'll still happen. I just have to keep my priorities straight.

The next Wulf story will be Armada, and I'm going to start that as soon as I finish Zombie. Once Dark Vengeance is complete, it's back to "stand alone" stories for me and Wulf for a while. I like the longer works, but the shorter ones are more satisfying, since they tell a complete story and don't sit around for months waiting to be completed.

The dog is still missing. I really don't think she's coming back :( Another sad event in our lives of late. Pity. Real pity.

Stay cool and try to look busy. It's always worked for me.

January 14, 2000
Whoa, boy... Things have gotten complicated since my mother stepped into the ring regarding me, Clio, Dev, etc. It's more complex than I can really go into here, and it also involves some personal information I'd just as soon not divulge, but now my mother is making her own proposals as to how to handle things, and it's thrown in a bit of a monkey wrench. I hope to get things resolved in the next few days, but unfortunately this situation has knocked off a few scabs for me and made me a little less than enthusiastic about some issues.

I worked on converting the remainder of Redshade last night -- hope to have it posted in the next couple of days. Also did a little on Mark of the Zombie. This one's gonna be a little different, folks. The narrative just feels different to me, and the story structure is a bit unfamiliar. I think there'll be sex, but I'm afraid it's going to feel more gratuitious than usual. Oh, well, so sue me... ;)

Do you know how frickin' HARD it is to work the last two weeks of a job, knowing that a) you're going to get a big check at the end and b) that you're probably going to move within a week or so of receiving it? Hell. This is sheer torture. I managed to drag two personal days and a half a sick day out of them next week, so I've only got one more full week to go, and I'd be astonished if ANYONE got anything done on that last week.

Well, today's the day. With the exception of on-line ordering (I ordered a book called Plots Unlimited from Amazon this morning), my financial life will be cash-and-carry from this point forward. I don't want to get smacked in the ass by an unexpected check going through, or with some debit-card transaction getting screwed up. I've got about 2-3 weeks left, so I want all my finances in order when I finally leave. I will pay my bills with money orders, paid for in cash, and I will not use my card for dining, books, magazines, etc. I will probably order a number of computer items on-line (a new graphics card, a USB scanner, RAM and a new HDD), but that's probably it for the time being.

Never fear, kids. Wulf goes on, as do I.

Back to work on screenplay (now I'm blocked, dammit... I'm having problems with character motivation), the .pdf file, and getting some more work done on the site (I think Redshade Part 2 needs to get posted, don't you?). It turns out that several of my friends/relatives are also getting divorced right now, so I guess I shouldn't whine about it too much.

Was late this morning due to snow, but took my lunch hour to go check out a female husky that a woman had found. No, it wasn't Juno -- the poor thing is still missing, and with each passing day I feel less confident that she'll come back. Dumb dog. She had to time this just right, didn't she?

I sent a message to my admin... I don't really have the patience to work on the new discussion group software for the ASJ site, so I asked him if we could please just have a phorum setup like this site... Given time, I'd probably end up figuring out sporum, but I just don't feel like messing with it. I hope to have the ASJ site in order by the time I move to Cali.

It has been decreed that if I have the temerity to take my five days of sick leave without permission from my counselor, whom I can't schedule an appointment with at such short notice, I am liable for termination. As I don't want to get shit-canned this close to getting my severance pay, I really don't have much choice but to stay in this sweat-shoppe for another two weeks. Fortunately, I shoehorned two days of personal leave out of my boss, so I'll only have to work Tue-Thurs next week. I guess it's better than nothing. I also have an appointment with my medical doctor on Thursday, so I'm really only working 2-1/2 days next week, and a full week the following (and hell, how much work should I expect to get done THEN?).

My only other innovation was to take four exemptions on my W4 form (I normally take zero) so that I'll get more money back; hopefully they won't take as huge a chunk out of my severance pay that way. I still hope to get out of town with $3-$4000 but only time will tell.

Keep busy, folks. It's almost over.

I got back a HUGE shipment of Dragon and other magazines from a friend who's been babysitting them for about 2 years. I intend to sell them on eBay (I checked and they're not exactly fetching huge prices, but I should make a bit), and put up the oldest issue (Vol. II, No. I from 1977) to see what would happen. I set the minimum bid at $5, so I should get something. If that works out, I'll sell the others, since all the Dragons are now archived on a CD-ROM. There was bad blood with some authors over that little stunt, too -- it seems that WotC isn't going to pay any royalties or reprint fees for reproducing fiction stories on CD-ROM, since apparently electronic rights don't count for dick. However, a recent court decision suggests that an author RETAINS electronic rights if he never gave them up, so my former friends at WotC may end up owing some authors a few bucks, after all.

My screenplay is (high concept here, folks) "The Rock meets Die Hard in Outer Space." I still haven't got a good title for it ("Alien Jailbreak" is the dumbest title I've ever heard, and "Starslammer" just doesn't work for me), but the story is going well. I need to punch up some interpersonal conflicts and change a couple of action sequences, but I suspect I'll have a first draft finished in a week or so. I'm also tinkering with an Alex St. John screenplay (and might bop over to the site and get the message board fixed today as well).

I got some more very cool messages from people, another piece of art (a picture of -- you guessed it -- Shu Li), and a lead on a new roleplaying game that I might want to write for. I'm also still writing press release summaries, which you can now see on-line here. I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor, comrades. Always with a sense of humor.

Oh, yes! I also got some of Christi Smith Hayden's original art, on nice heavy bristol board (the color pic of Li and the pic of Wulf gettng nuzzled by Liv and Daedora). She is a damned fine artist, and I hope to see more from her soon.

I'm endeavoring to remain positive about things. While I did ask Clio to stop telling me what a great opportunity our divorce was for me (she was only trying to help, but it did get to me a little), I'm trying to tell myself that, and I suppose it is. I also spent the weekend getting together books, planning expenses and sorting out the videos and CDs that I want to keep (I've always found that dividing up the records/tapes/CDs was one of the most depressing parts of breaking up for some reason). She didn't really dispute any of them, feeling instead that she could simply replace them (she can damned well afford it now, with her new job), so that went smoothly. We can also copy the videos she wants to keep so there's no real dispute there, either.

So Clio is back at the house, at least for part of the week; I asked her if she would come back some time after new year's, since I needed help getting things ready, as well as some assistance with Devon and (at the time anyway) the dog. Unfortunately, the pooch is still missing, and Dev really isn't that much trouble. On the other hand, I need some input and assistance in the process of packing and dividing property, so it's a good thing she's there. Yeah, and we have to take the Christmas tree down, too.

Keep in touch, folks. Things are in ferment. Interesting events lie ahead, and you'll hear about them all.

It never rains but it pours, folks. After a pretty decent New Year's (with some exceptions, see below), we let our dumb dog outside last night to go do her business before bed and the damned mutt took a hike. She must have found a new hole in the fence, because she was out like a shot. I must have left her alone for 30 seconds, and the next thing I know I hear her ID tags jingling as she dashes down the street. It was pitch black, she did not respond when we called, Cliff and I walked and drove through the neighborhood for two hours... nothing.

This morning... still nothing. To say that I'm upset, especially after what's happened over the last month, is a gross understatement. As I'm sure all of you know, a dog is part of the family, and this kind of loss can be terrible. Especially given everything else that's been going on at home. Dev is holding up well, but I know that she misses Juno, and will do anything to get her back. The dog has tags and is very friendly, so I'm sure she can't hide forever. She also has a good homing instinct, so unless someone decides to dognap her, or if (god forbid) she gets into an accident with a car, we have an excellent chance of getting her back. Once more, we ask for everyone to think good thoughts.

New Year's was much better than I'd anticipated. New Year's eve featured a rather unpleasant argument with Clio, in which as usual we both dug in our heels and refused to budge, and ended rather unfortunately, and yesterday I ended up making something of a final report to Clio on how I felt about this whole thing, much to her chagrin and her belief that I'd said all of those things before, and that repeating them served no useful purpose. I still think that getting things off my chest, in what I consider to be a final manner, does indeed serve a useful purpose, especially after this weekend's experiences. I pretty much said that that was all I really wanted to say on the matter and that all I wanted was for my feelings to be understood. In any event, I was hoping that that would put an end to any recrimination from me (I'd already promised we wouldn't fight anymore, then we got into it on Friday, which was no fun... My fault, I fear, but I never claimed to be perfect; I screw up more than I care to sometimes, and I'm invariably sorry when I do so; I guess my goal is to avoid screwing up in the first place.). Unfortunately, the mess with the dog has us both down and unhappy, and Clio is starting a new job today (just as I'm finishing mine, as well...).

Anyway, on to happier news. We're all still alive, which is cool. What frustrates me is that all those Y2K gloom-and-doomers (for example here and here) turned out to be so disastrously wrong, we didn't even get a single nuclear melt-down, accidental atomic missile launch, power grid failure, or financial collapse. It had been my ambition (and now it can be told) that, as soon as society collapsed, I would form a mutant biker gang and terrorize the countryside. I even had a nice Harley Softail Classic picked out and was trying to figure out how to rig a sidecar and machine gun. Now, regrettably, my dreams of being the next Humongous, Warrior of the Wasteland, Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla have been smashed. I have to go back to trying to find work in LA (and the LA Times job search function seems all buggered up -- maybe THAT is Y2K related, at least...), worrying about my lost dog, my collapsing marriage and my intelligent and sensitive daughter and how this is all affecting her. Wot fun, gang...

Oh, yeah -- happier news... Sorry. I had planned on attending a big New Millennium bash at a friend's house... It was to be a costume affair, and I had neither costume nor decent clothes, and I also thought that I didn't really have much to be celebrating. Consequently, I planned on opting out and watching TV as, hopefully, the end-of-the-world disaster spread insidiously across the globe, sweeping toward us, time zone by time zone. I figured if visionary geniuses like Steve Heller and Gary North were right, we'd be among the last time zones to experience the meltdown, and so have more time to prepare. I could have nipped out and grabbed that Harley the minute the grid went down...

Alas, it was not to be. As the Millennium progressed, all I saw were joyful celebrations the world over, human beings proclaiming and reveling in the fact that we had survived another 1,000 years, that mankind endured, and that civilization remains, even if it is occasionally beaten and bruised. From Hong Kong to Moscow to Paris to London I watched the fireworks, the crowds, the songs, the happiness, and I couldn't help but feel that perhaps this was indeed the beginning of a new age. When midnight hit in NYC and they played Sting's "Brand New Day" I decided that enough was enough, marched to the closet and pulled out my old suit, which I despaired of ever fitting into again. To my shock and amazement, the pants were a wee bit snug, but the rest of the ensemble survived nicely. I tucked a burgundy handkerchief into my pocket, put on my old army longcoat, scrunched my Australian felt hat over my head to guard against the rain, collected Cliff, and set out for the party.

And it was nice. People were kind and considerate, happily looking forward to THE moment. Those who knew of what had transpired in my and Clio's lives were sympathetic and supportive. Clio was there, and suprisingly cool and sweet after the afternoon's tiff (apologies again if you read this... yes, I know I have a tendency to blow up then apologize, but then I suppose everyone does now and then... Besides, I guess it's better than blowing up and NOT apologizing :) ). I also hung out with a friend who's been having her own personal issues at home, and gave her a little support as well, so I felt as if I did something worthwhile. Dev was there, racing up and down the three flights of stairs (it's a HUGE house), playing with the other kids, and delighted that I did show up, after all.

As midnight approached, I suggested to Cliff that we venture down into the Y2K nerve center in downtown Portland. Pioneer Courthouse Square is kind of Portland's "town square" where everyone gathers and everyone is welcome. It's paved with bricks inscribed with citizens' names (including my dear first wife, but I never found that brick myself), has various works of art, it's the location of many city events, political speeches, rallies, etc. It even has a (euch) Starbucks, but I'll forgive them for that.

We found parking in Old Town, perhaps a half mile or so from the square, and started to walk, slowly accumulating other revelers on the way. It began to occur to me that this was the biggest crowd I'd ever been in since the Trail Blazers won the NBA championship back in '77 (one of our few moments of total glory, I fear), and also one of the happiest. There was not a frown or unhappy face to be seen, and I guess my own psyche was lifted by the sight of all that humanity, growing thicker and more excited as we approached the square.

The cops had cordoned off about 25 square blocks for the event, and were giving people cursory friskings as they went in. As there were over 100,000 of us and only a few dozen cops, I think they had to be cursory; besides, no one minded, and in the entire crowd I later found out only 26 people were arrested, most just for being assholes. That's less than .026%, if you bother doing the math.

Pioneer Square was PACKED! Sardine city. Over 100,000 celebrating humans all packed shoulder to shoulder. Royal Crown Review was playing the way into 2000, I believe, but we didn't get to see much of them for all the crowd. I almost lost Cliff a couple of times, but we managed to thread our way into the Square proper, with a good view of the laser light machines, fireworks and the tacky disco-ball that they planned to drop at midnight (it had NOTHING on that Times Square ball, but it was ours, dammit...).

And for all the packing and all the good-natured ribbing, no one was angry, no one was upset, no one was hurting. Maybe there is something to all this psychic stuff, because it made me feel different, too. We counted down from ten, watched the stupid ball drop, and the amazing fireworks display (not bad for such a small area), and when they played their choice of Millennium song ("Imagine" by John Lennon), we all started swaying spontaneously, and the high school girls who were crammed in beside me began to sing along, getting all the words right, and showing that such sentiment transcends gender, race, age, and probably almost everything else.

And then we dispersed, walking briskly away from the place where so many people had been, and I think that most people really did believe that this year represents a new beginning. I myself want to think of it as a clean slate and a chance to start again, and maybe, maybe, this time get it right.

The Year 2000 was nothing but number that we pulled out of thin air, inaccurately measuring the time from the birth of a religious leader. If there were no humans, no calendars, this date would be no different from any other, and this year the same as the billions of years before. Yet, there are humans, and these humans all have minds and hearts and belief and faith. And one wonders, if all human beings can believe in an ideal, all at once, and all can feel the same peace and love in their hearts at the same time, is it at all possible that we can, indeed, live in peace and learn to love one another?