From alt.tasteless Tue May 7 12:31:11 1991 Path: diku!dkuug!sunic!mcsun!ukc!warwick!mauls From: mauls@warwick.ac.uk (The Chief Slime Monster) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Subject: -*@ The Joy Of Vomit @*- Message-ID: Date: 6 May 91 14:40:05 GMT Sender: news@warwick.ac.uk (Network news) Organization: Pukers Plc. Lines: 829 Nntp-Posting-Host: lily -+*#@#*+- THE JOY OF VOMIT -+*#@#*+- by Rev. Dr. M. Fincher ( B.Sc. A.R.S.V ) and Prof. M. Senior ( B.A.R.F M.Sc. PhD. ) "An informative work that will help you maximise your vomit life and discover the hidden pleasures of heaving. I enjoyed it no end." -Times "This excellent text challenges all of society in it's rigid regard for chunder." -Vomitters Weekly "I used to think that vomitting was just a frenzied barf in the dark, I was emptying my stomach in seconds; this article has increased my awareness and appreciation beyond all measure." -A member of the royal family. "Your sick!" -M. Whitehouse -=- CONTENTS -=- Chapter #1: The early history of vomitting. Chapter #2: The Basics. Chapter #3: Getting the diet right. Chapter #4: Techniques, style, and artistic impression. Chapter #5: Some common problems. Chapter #6: Mutual and synchronised heaving. Chapter #7: Professional vomitting and competition. Chapter #1: The early history of vomitting. Vomitting was first invented by a lost tribe of ape men who lived in the dark and forboding jungle of Milton Keynes in the Andes. By day they would roam the forest floor collecting berries to eat and writing UNIX utilities to calculate the day of any date. It was a simple existance. Unfortunately, it was this very simplicity that was their undoing, because despite role playing games and the local sport which consisted of hitting a tree at the base with a stick, ( a process called, "hacking root" ), they were bored to death. The average levels of boredom got so unbelievably high that they took to continuously eating until their stomachs were gorged, and then bringing it up again as an expression of their futile and animalistic existance. After several hundreds of generations of this practice, their stomachs had become so weak that the only thing they could keep down was raspberry cheesecake, and this hadn't been invented yet. So, after a small period of time, they all died out and remained dead happily ever after. The art of vomitting was then lost to the world in the mists of time until it was rediscovered by the romans. The romans liked eating. They liked eating so much that they became dismayed by the modest size of the human stomach and disgusted at it's restricted abilities at stretching. A common roman phrase of the day that depicts this is, "Yo Japonicus my man, by Venus's tit, why have we got such small stomachs?". Anyhow the romans experimented with many different ways of side stepping the problem; some people tried to perfect their bowel control to the extent that they could pass their food before it had even been digested, others tried fitting a zip to their belly but it was no use. As luck would have it, in a little known suburb of Rome there was a chartered accountant working as an anachronism who used to swallow his son and regurgitate him to amuse customers. The Emperor Augustus got wind of this, and after farting several times immediately declared vomitting as the imperial sport and pastime. The romans ingenuity, persistance and Christian flavoured cat food worked together to establish the foundations of the fully advanced science of vomitting that we know and love today. As well as the exciting developements in personal heaving they forged grand events and competitions which will be elaborated upon later. The romans lived on for many years to enjoy their legacy until something went wrong in the divine right process and the quality of emperors went into sad decline. When it got to the stage that the emperor was someone who went to bed with a horse and fiddled and spent virtually all of his time sight seeing in England, the people were too pissed off to think about allegance and went about doing their own thing. Fortunately for us, the impact and public awareness of vomitting that the romans created was enough to survive their demise. Whilst the competitions and mass vomitting never returned until the present day, vomitting was still a common practice amoung the people and royal sponsorship ensured a stable and healthy attitude towards it. Here are some quotes from our heritage:- "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...beeuuuurrrghh!" "We are not...beuurrrghhh! amused" "beuurrghhh! splatt! OFF with her head" "There will come a day when all men and women, black and white, girls and boys will be able to sit together at the table as brothers....beuuurggh!" "This is the constitution! euuurgrgghhh!" "This morning I sent a ..bleurgh!..note to Herr Hitler" "My splatt splatt husband and I.." Chapter #2: The Basics You may be thinking, "Ok, so all this sounds very interesting, indeed I have always maintained curiousity in it, but how do I go about getting into vomitting, having not had any experience 'per se' of chunder?". A lot of people are anxious about the thought of their first vomit but there is nothing to worry about and it doesn't help matters to be overly nervous, so try your best to relax, put on some soft music and don't think about it too much before you actually try it. What I am implying here of course is that you try your first vomit in the security and privacy of your home. There has been much written by vomitologists about the significance in later life of the 'first vomit' or the 'steam breaker' as it is sometimes called, the emphasis usually being that you never forget your first vomit and the circumstances in which it occurs can affect the rest of your life. This is certainly true to some extent, but many vomit writers go on to say that because of this you should seek to make your first vomit as dramatic, pleasureable and special as possible, and with this I do not agree. Of all the people who come to my clinic suffering from premature vomitting, liquid spew, dry mouth, weak stomachs or inferiority complexes are victims of psychosomatic disorders and a lot of these are due to being too ambitious too soon. A lot of ignorance and misinformation exists in the vomit-virgin world and this can lead people to make some big mistakes in their first attempt. This is why I strongly urge you to take things slowly and to start off in your home. There are a number of simple ways that the novice can induce vomit. Which of these you try depends on your religion, your carpet and whether you are going to work tommorow. Diet of course, is very important, but for the moment we will stick to the basics because we want to keep things simple and reliable. For this purpose we suggest one or more of the following:- Spicey sausage or any form of Greek food, Black forest gateaux, Bread soaked in egg, Dripping toast, Haggis, A raw cheeseburger. Having eaten the preparatory stomach fillers, move to within panic distance of your receptical. It is at this point that it is a good idea to use 'inducers'. Inducers are articles of food, pictures, thoughts or anything that will make you feel like throwing your load. In the later stages of this book are some pictures taken at the 1990 World Mr. Vomit competition which may act as an inducer. Other things that you can try for your first vomit are crunching on spiders or frogs, chewing fish heads, drinking dish-water, shampoo with a touch of bleach, a mixture of peanut butter and baked beans and so on. Also, a very sucessful inducer that has come to light recently is that of fresh vomit. A number of outlets exist and are usually in the phone book. For about 10 pounds they will package some freshly generated puke of your choice in an airtight container and deliver it to your door within half an hour. If you want something more extravagent and are willing to pay for it, some companies also provide a doorstep service whereby a lorry will call round with a selection of overfed donkeys, racoons, cats and dogs and you can choose whatever you like best. Of course, you may find that you dont need an inducer if you have eaten enough stomach filler, or who knows, you may be a born natural. When you feel your first convulsion or spasm, if no substance has entered your mouth, then punch yourself in the gut ( or get a friend to do it ). Other things to try are standing up and bending over the receptical placed at your feet or sitting on the ground with your legs drawn up against your torso and your head between your legs. The important thing to remember is to not prolong an unsucessful contraction. If after several spasms, nothing has happened, then return to the inducers and try again after a few minutes. When you get that silky feeling in your throat and you realise that for the first time in your life you are going to throw, the most important thing to remember is to not let your excitement lead you to lose control. First of all, dont dispatch the first chunks as they arise but keep your mouth shut for a moment or two. Not only does having a bulging gob full of chunder have a very satisfying inducer effect, but you want to release your produce in big bursts for maximal splosh factor. In the chapter 'Techniques, style and artistic impression' we discuss advanced techniques for prolonging the technicolor yawn but for the first time just be satisfied with the duration that you can get by not rushing it. So that was your first vomit. Hopefully through the guidance of this manual it has been a loud and enjoyable one. You'll now want to know how you can increase and optimise your vomitting and become an experienced throw up merchant. Well, you are just initialised into the wonderful world of vomit, and naturally you are eager, but take things slowly. The next chapters will lead you to excellence. Chapter #3: Getting the diet right. Even Sedric "The Chucker" Chewitt can't heave from an empty stomach. Diet is the single most important factor in successful vomit consistancy. In time you will find your own personal selection of foods that suit your requirements for taste, smell, consistancy, volume and acidity but here are some guidelines for getting there as fast as possible. Perfecting consistancy: Everything is broken down by the stomachs acid, but at different rates. For optimum consistancy, you should aim to vomit when roughly half of the stomach content is fully broken down. At this time, depending on what you eat, there will remain some components of the food relatively undigested. A comprehensive list of food ingredients and digestion times has been published by penguin under the title, "A complete study in food digestion and interesting vomit constitution", and this is vital reading material if you intend to enter the professional vomitting ring. Such a list is beyond the scope of this book but here are some key factors:- Things that break down FAST: potatoes in most forms dog turds chocolate most vegetables spagetti Things that break down SLOW: peppers nuts rice whole sausages horse testicles Things that never break down: ballbearings nuts and bolts dice monopoly counters capacitors Just as a footnote I would like to stress that swollowing articles of farm machinery is a very dangerous practice and whilst you may think it will make you the king of the scene to throw up the odd car battery or two, the risks involved in eating anything larger than a small handbag are far too high. Perfecting volume: I have conducted a length study on the relation of food in to vomit out ratios and this is my conclusion. The volume change due to the addition of stomach acids is not appreciable and is usually countered by the fact that it is fairly hard to completely clear your stomach. However, it is possible to eat foods that swell in the tum somewhat such as pastry, mashed potatoes, spagetti and bread. Whilst the increase in volume is fairly small, it may be worthwhile and is certain worth a try. However in the general case, the only way to produce a real bag full of barf is to cram that stomach full. Perfecting colour: Colour can add excitement and surprise to your kneeling at the throne of the porcelain god and is very easy to do with a little care. Peppers for example, take a long time to break down and so keep their colour ( red, green or yellow ) much longer than everything else. The delight in throwing a glorious puke with red, green and yellow bits can not be over estimated. Perfecting acidity: Acidity is more a factor dependant upon how long your food has been in your stomach rather than what you eat, in fact, it is has often marvelled vomit-novices the fact that chicken kiev looks much the same as carrot cake and anything else that has sloshed around inside you for an hour. In general then, strive for the ideal of keeping your bulk for upwards of half an hour before using inducers or making the final decision to vomit. If you dont have the time for such preparations then drink half a pint of coke into which has been mixed 4 tablespoons of cayenne, or curry powder and you might like to add some nutmeg to finish off the aftertaste. Perfecting smell: The ingredients for enhancing vomit smell are fairly obvious. Garlic, sage and spices of all sorts and the standards. As you progress further you may want to try drinking perfume, lemon juice, baby oil or mixing your foods with talcum powder. Ransid butter, curdled milk and rotting meat add distinctive overtones to any vomit if you can bring yourself to eat the stuff. Chapter #4: Techniques, style and artistic impression. Of course there is so much more to vomitting than opening the floodgates and painting the floor, and it is the full bodied, never ending variety of pleasures and sensations that gives heaving such a dominant role in the field of human experience. In this chapter I intend to summarise the most prominant advanced techniques for increasing your vomitting pleasure and help you to explore the hidden depths which previously were a closely guarded secret in mysticism and the occult. Probably the most characteristic quality of any vomitting is the throw or casting of the spew. When done well it can add a sense of professionalism to the whole business; even if all other aspects of the vomit are bad, an impressive throw can still make an attempt dramatic and unforgettable. Some leading professionals like Maggie "Blunderguts" Meggan and Squirting Stephens have devoted nearly all of their training to the throw and no one could call their results unimpressive. Ok, so how do we work on that throw? Right now you've probably developed some fundamental stomach control but the chances are that your mouth is gaping uncontrolled, your wind-pipe is dormant and the vomit just slips over your tongue with out so much as a with-your-leave or a by-your-leave! To change this you will need to adopt a regular strategy of practice and exercises. Below is a list of exercises collected from the best recent works on vomitology and include some of the secret training instructions discovered recently in occult initiation ceremonial texts. Remember, don't try to be too ambitious, and continue each exercise until you are happy with your performance. Exercise #1: If you are relatively new to chucking the chunks then the single most thing that is holding your performance back is most likely to be your attitude. When the convulsions start, if you dont really know what to do then you will probably be tense and this causes the trachea to contract and stiffen in an uncontrollable fashion. Nervousness can also affect the stomach causing premature heaving or liquid spew. A proper discussion of these problems is given in the chapter 'some common problems'. For the time being I just want to describe a simple way to reduce nervousness. Try to relax and enjoy it rather than worrying overly about your performance. Sit in the bath and just wait until you feel ready. Sing a song or two or do a crossword perhaps. In your own time bring up approximately half of your guts. This will promote your control whilst not being too difficult and you can get used to being in command of the situation. Exercise #2: When the vomit starts to rise up your wind-pipe, tilt your head back and withdraw your tongue to the very back of your throat. You will find that if you place the tip of your tongue on the floor of your mouth cavity as far back as possible, then the back of your tongue will rise up against the opening of your wind-pipe. When the lumps reach your tongue and touch it significantly then drop your head to about 20 degrees below the horizontal and simultaneously throw forward your tongue. This is one of the best ways to prevent a gradual or slow build up or "pre-vomit-dribble" which can be very embarrassing on formal occasions when you are trying to impress the guests. Also, the action of the tongue can be varied to produce some very satisfying noises to accompany your bursts. Exercise #3: Whilst holding vomit at the back of the throat with the tongue is excellent for achieving high velocity streams, causing a build up in the mouth is very good for large-scale-splatt effects. For this purpose the aim is not to throw far or accurately, but to deposit large dollops of vomit over as big an area as possible. Purse your lips and bow your head about 45 degrees below the horizontal. Place your tongue over your front teeth and push forward with it slightly so that your lips bulge. Bring forth the glorious chunder into your mouth and let your cheeks bulge. When your mouth is full, drop your tongue, let your mouth open and as the chunks emerge, raise your head QUICKLY but not above horizontal. This will produce wonderful flowing bulk and the hopefully jerky movement of the head will throw it clear of your body. This takes some practice. When the sharp movement of your head has finished, close your mouth and replace your tongue over your teeth or else you will slime your jumper and instantly loose all respect and admiration amoung your friends. If you time your jerk too late, the best thing to do to avoid disaster is to bend your torso sideways from the waist as quickly as possible and any drips or castaways will be thrown sideways. Whilst people will probably cotton on to what you are doing, it is better that they do this than laugh at you when you slip off to change your clothes. When you have perfected the bulging mouth you will be a long way into professional vomitting. There's nothing to beat that collective look of excitement and anticipation on peoples faces as they stare at your gob which is rapidly becoming like a postmans bag, in the knowledge that in a few seconds the table will be devastated with a veritable holocaust of vomit. Exercise #4: Most people do not have that much control over their wind-pipe, but mastery of it's abilities and potential is vital if you are ever to see your name up in the list of classic throw-up merchants. Even if you dont have your eyes on fame, but only wish to develop your regurgitation for your personal satisfaction, being able to use your throat will give you that extra advantage over your vomitting friends and companions who probably never even tried to use it because of the difficulties involved. With your mouth clear of vomit, try forcing a cough. For this it is important to have a glass of water or some other liquid around to drink or gargle with in between coughs since the throat can get very dry and sore if you repeatedly cough without lubrication. Concentrate on not only dispelling air quickly, but contracting your trachea. After a while you will be able to cause these contractions at will. This is a fairly advanced technique that is perhaps only effective when used in conjuction with other methods. Use the contractions to reduce the vomit flow with a method to inhibit any liquid-spew, then let your throat expand and let the number 41 with rice find the shortest path to the floor. Exercise #5: This is a technique that was once laughed at and widely held in contempt since it used only to be employed by people who had zero throat control. These days it has come into acceptance with the knowledge that it can actually build and develop throat control, which is an admireable thing. Fill the mouth with vomit and HOLD it there. This might take some practice but shouldn't pose any problems for the reader by now. As more chunder approaches which would normally force you to open your mouth, place one hand in front of your throat and the other behind and squeeze gently. If you do this right, there is no need for discomfort or a great deal of pressure; the front hand should be just above the collar-bone. When you squeeze, most of the force should be upwards and only a little into the throat. This way the vomit is held back with ease. When the pressure is right take your hands away FIRST and let the additional vomit come up. The extra pressure in your mouth should be enough to open your lips and the produce will fly at a surprising speed. Exercise #6: Next we describe, "rocket vomit". Some people can not do this, others can. Try it, but dont spend months on end trying to do it if no success shows. When you have the mental control to time your first vomit spasm fairly acurately, try filling your lungs just before the vomit rises. When enough juice n jobs have entered your mouth, release your lungs, throw your neck forward and the resulting escaping pressure will project lumps of vomit meters away from you. You may prefer to pinch your nose as you do this to stop fluid entering and attacking the mucous membranes. Although there are other methods in use today, this technique is generally held to be the key to long distance vomitting. Something I feel compelled to mention if only to stop you doing it is the so called "squeaky-heave". This is the practice of breathing helium or other light gasses in order to achieve higher vomit velocities. The lungs can be severely damaged by being over-inflated and a normal sized breath of a gas like helium can do this. There are other dangers too. Hydrogen can combust spontaneously in the chest cavity and Nitrogen kills brain cells if large ammounts get absorbed into the blood stream. Hydrogen Fluoride will destroy your lungs very quickly. By way of a warning I will recall the incident of a contestant who tried to cheat using helium in the last Mr. Vomit competition; the resulting explosion of vomit was so violent that his lower jaw was dislocated and he lost three teeth. In short, DON'T DO IT. Exercise #7: Swallowing your own chunder is standard practice for accomplished throw up merchants and creates possibilities which way out weigh any qualms you may have at first about this. As an alternative or a staggering addition to, "rocket vomit", is the practice of swallowing your vomit with gasps of air several times in preperation to the BIG outlay. As you project, you belch forward the air you swallowed to produce extra thrust and some interesting sound effects. Imagine the awe when, in one magnificent resounding roar, you project a cluster of clogs over the hostess's shoulder and into the champange bucket! As they say, "you could be the envy of your friends". Seriously though, I too was very tentative about swallowing my own grommits; I especially remember worrying whether anyone would notice the pulsating of my throat. The reality of the situation is that the chances are your vomit tastes nicer than the food provided, after all, it is very familiar, you know where it has been and you don't have to worry whether it is dead or not. As for the pulsating throat, people usually don't notice but if they do, just smile politely and make a joke like, "the fish is trying to escape", or, "I'm sorry, but my vomit is not for sale". Remember to clear your throat first though! Exercise #8: Turning your head sideways stretches your wind-pipe producing a longer, thinner tunnel for your vomit load to come steaming through. Face forward whilst the vomit rises and only when the flow is full turn your head to face the side. This way the thinner passage doesn't restrict the initial build up of vomit. This has other advantages too in that whilst you are facing forward, a person to your side may not be paying you much attention and is not aware of what you are doing. Therefore if you really hate them you can turn sideways abruptly at the right moment and vomit in their lap. If you turn more slowly, they will think you want to talk to them and will look in your direction and receive a front seat view of the action. Of course, turning the head fast has a certain "fling" effect on your vomit which can be utilised to great effect in the distance stakes, but remember that vomit travels in a straight line unless acted upon by some external face or object so you have to judge the release of the chewy bits with care as they will fly in a direction tangential to your mouth. Exercise #9: Fancy techniques for casting your vomit over your friends or opening doors with blasts of spew are all very well but they all depend on one vital ability which, up until now, has been unmentioned in this text. This ability is stomach power. We have discussed how the speed and flow of bits'n'bobs from the mouth can be enhanced with the use of the throat, lungs, tongue, head and other parts of the body but in the end everything depends on the sheer power of the stomach; just how many buckets/minute can you push at?? And what can be done to improve your chuck rate? The stomach muscles, like most muscles in the human body, grow to the strength that they need for your normal life and then no further. Hence, if you want to make them stronger, you have to use them more frequently, for longer, and for heavier tasks. Try eating enormous meals, doing sit-ups, bringing up dense food articles every morning and similar exercises. Progress is usually slow on this front, it may take over a year to develop a respectable chuck rate but stomach exercises are a must for any would be world contender. By now we are well on the way to vomitting with great ability, and building a fine and enviable repertoire of ways in which to be sick, but what can we do to crown our skill with style? How does one gain that innovative, imaginative quality which you have always admired in the classic puke faces of history? Some people just don't have it, but don't take that as a reason to not try! The trick is being ever-aware of a good chucking opportunity and to have a quick mind to decide the best way to carry out the deed. As you go through your daily life, continuously ask yourself whether the circumstances are geared for a really witty vomit. Maybe the waitress has large pockets in her uniform or you might want to prove a point concerning the nature of the chilli dish. You could demonstrate how a venus fly trap works, prove to the dog that you can make a bigger mess, or show your uncle what you think of his house of cards. The chances are all out there, just waiting to be spotted beneath the surface, waiting to bring you satisfaction and respect. Look out for objects and people that contact with a blast of vomit would be outstandingly stylish and cool. Think through the actions in your routine life and imagine which of them would could be achieved more successfully with the use of your puke and which ones to which a nice, deep lurch of carrots would gracefully and aptly accompany. The stylish vomitter in company is a master of the unexpected; everyone knows he can implode tellys and topple passers by with his chunder but it is WHEN he releases his load that makes it an event that people will remember into their last days. Vomitting is a highly flexible and communicative form of expressing emotion. A chuck of chunks can express grief, boredom, happyness, relief, surprise and love. In short, heaving is a way of life. Chapter #5: Some common problems. The most common problem that people encounter as they vomit around the world is that of premature vomitting. Quite simply, premature vomitting is the disorder whereby the chunks are thrown in a spasm of uncontrol, before that precise moment when such an act would be deemed to be admirable. It is both a distressing and highly embarrassing condition and can totally ruin your vomit life if tackled in the wrong way. Putting elastoplast across your mouth until the crucial moment is not the right way to tackle the problem and can be very dangerous so please dont try it. The stem of the symptom is basically mental and hence the solution is mental training. The first method is to redigest anything you have vomitted prematurely and to perserve at this until you throw up at the right time. The determination and concentration needed for this will soon reshape your attitude. An alternative is the "stick and carrot" technique which requires a partner. This works by promoting a trained response. Everytime you vomit prematurely your partner beats you till you bleed with the stick ( assuming you dont actually enjoy this ), and everytime you vomit at the right moment, they heave carrots all over you and give you a massage by way of reward. Either of these techniques should work within a few weeks. Liquid spew is a very distressing disorder and can whittle away at your self condifence and leave you totally demoralised. Vomit that is too thin is no use for anything; it can not be casted effectively, it does not make satisfying contact noises, it usually carries very little momentum, and quite often will lead to embarrassing dribbles and stained shirts. The first thing to do if you suspect that you have a case of the dribbles is to check your diet. If you are not taking enough fibre, solidity or food that breaks down slowly, then you are making yourself vunerable to an attack. So then, if you are reading this section, after having disgraced yourself with silent squirts, first read the "getting the diet right" section. If you are convinced that there is nothing wrong with your diet, then the situation is potentially a lot more serious. If you are going out soon, or intend to attend a social event and you want a temporary solution, I have a range of pills available at my clinic in Kings End which will help you ride the storm out. Expanding when coming into contact with acid, they will provide realistic looking chunks when needed and no one will ever know the difference. The actual cause of the problem is either psychological, or because your stomach has become so accustomed to preparing viscious prize winning chunder that it has grown over zealous in breaking down food stuffs. If the later is the case then there are two approaches recommended by the vomitters union to clear the problem up. The first is to give it lots of material that it will never break down in an attempt to piss your stomach acids off until they sulk and refuse to work anymore. Although an old technique, ( indeed, there is a reference to this found in ancient Chinese records concerning a man who ate a small deciduous forest ), it has received wide spread acclaim despite being difficult to put into practice. Substances commonly available to the modern man for this purpose that I recommend are ball-bearings, walking sticks, plate metal work off cuts, gas cylinders and RS232 cables. The second method is to dilute your acids enormously whilst in action. For this, you need to be able to hold the food in question in your stomach for at least ten hours whilst simultaneously passing 8 pints of salted water through your system. Dont let the drastic and at times dangerous nature of these methods put you off, but keep at it; it is better to die with your honour in tact than to become a vomitless wimp. If you have tried all this to no avail, you may consider an artificial stomach. It's an expensive operation but one that can be performed with safety at our labs, and no one ever need know the difference. First though, you will need to undergo some elementary tests for which we would like a sample. Package at least 1 litre of mixed vomit in an airtight container and take it in to any of my delicatessen outlets. They will be more than happy to accomodate you and they are all professionals. If you have any complaints then write to me and I'll come and scare them! Chapter #6: Mutual and synchronised heaving. Mutual vomitting is one of the most intense pleasures available to a man or woman but even today there is still a certain stigma attached to simultaneous throwing up. This stigma and narrow-mindedness prevents many people from ever experiencing it and this is a great shame. Other people are willing and eager to participate but are fearful of enquiring of other people or of inviting friends to join with them in pounding the pavement. Here is an account of my first mutual vomit:- I was enjoying a meal with three friends of mine from college and we had all taken a liking to the waitress that night because she was particularly friendly and bright spirited. It was the end of my second year and by now my friends knew that I took great pride in my vomitting and I had been somewhat of an inspiration to them in their own self-exploration of vomitting. There was a distinct atmosphere of excitement that night as "Midas" as we called him had only hours before performed his first ever 90 degree sick flick and it had been an eye opener for him and to a lesser extent the others. It was a classic worthy of someone far more experienced than he and he felt on top of the world. There had been an old lady waiting at the bus stop who shouted at us and told us to cut our hair. It came to Midas as pure inspiration as he looked down ( we thought in shame ), but then brought his head up in a snap to his side, and a stream of vomit, small but chunky and with a good complexion, flew magnificantly through the air to collide with the womans hat which was knocked plain off her head. The rest of the group were stunned and I was grinning inanely cos I knew that after this glorious act he would be hooked. The other people waiting at the bus stop had started clapping and a group of workmen across the road were cheering and whistling in delight. Back to the restaurant and the waitress approached bouncilly with the desert menu. I glanced across at Midas who I suspect knew what I had in mind and a still silence fell across the group. "What would you like for desert?", asked the unsuspecting waitress. In an outburst of dramatic spontaneity all FOUR of us barked orange onto the table, sharp and sweet. It didn't last long but the feeling was tremendous, unforgettable. We had become the very epicentre of attention. Everyone throughout the joint had dropped their forks, others turned around, all were gazing in unbelief. After a second or two the waitress said calmly, "so thats four chocolate challenges then?", and with that the whole restaurant fell apart in laughter. It made the evening. Several people afterwards approached us and said what a great time they had had. At everyone's heart lies the desire to vomit in good company. For some people it must remain caged by inhibition and outmoded social values all their life but finding fellow vomitters to spew with isn't so hard. As soon as you really get into throwing up in a serious way and it becomes an integral part of your lifestyle, people will sort themselves out. The respect and admiration you will command of fellow vomitters will clearly label them as people with whom, a mutual vomit could happen. But don't push it, a LOT of people don't like to be rushed and they may not be as progressive or eager as you to become a radical throw up merchant. In time you will reach a situation where a group of you are keen to merge streams and sooner or later something will trigger everyone to jointly overcome those remnant fears. WARNING: The rest of this chapter contains explicit details of mutual vomitting and may cause offense to some. Slide vomitting is great fun, especially at parties when people have had a few drinks and turned down their inhibitions a little. Lay out a plastic sheet on the floor; these can be obtained from all good D.I.Y shops. Everyone sits around the edge and holds hands. Upon an agreed signal you all puke up onto the sheet and conventionally this is followed by a forward roll. Then, when the vomit is evenly spread and forming a frictionless zone, you all take turns to run up to the sheet at high speed and slide gloriously through the slurp. Pooh-chunks is a favourite of many children and it is a shame that in polite circles they are encouraged to grow out of it because it is fun for people of all ages. In recent years it has been the centre of much controversy with claims that it is tantamount to criminal vomit waste but I have always been of the view that there should be no formal guidelines for the use of our finest emission and that anything that is enjoyable and harmless to passers by is allowed. Usually in a group, people stand on the brow of a bridge and take turns to throw up into the water. After pausing to sample the jolly splatter and plop, everyone rushes over to the other side of the bridge and waits for the vomit to emerge. Of course, it is only the chunks that have any buoyance and the larger they are, the longer they will stay on the surface. The winner is deamed to be the owner of the largest clump of chunks still floating by the time the current has moved them to the other side. There is a surprising ammount of skill in this game and I personally regard the refusal to enter it in the Mr. Vomit competitions as a mistake. The ideal is chunks that are large but not heavy and that do not absorb large ammounts of water, and these are not easy to produce, even for professionals. For fairness, it is usual to adopt a standard food stuff like new potatoes. Another party practice worth mentioning is "splatt-the-pratt". One person stands blindfolded on the ground outside the house whilst the party members assemble by a window above. They each take turns to heave at the guy below and the first to miss changes places with the previous person below. "What did I eat?", is generally accepted as being the spew game for the formal occason. Guests sit in a circle on chairs a good hour or two after the meal and take turns to heave into their laps. If someone can indentify something that you ate then you're out. "Look what I've found!", is almost the opposite, yet just as fun! Sit around a receptical and heave. Keep your mixture in your mouth though, and find the chunkiest bit. Holding it at the front of your mouth, swallow the rest. Place your bit on the end of your tongue, open mouth and extend. Whilst everyone watches with awe, flick it quickly and neatly into the bin. If you have any chance of being the winner, everyone will rush to check what it was you found. I wish to turn now to vomitting specifically with a partner. What could be more romantic than snuggling up to your partner real close and alternately barking slime into each others laps? There are so many wonderful ways to vomit with someone special and strengthen the bonds that form a permanent and successful relationship. However there is no reason to restrict the pleasures of mutual puking to a private occasion. Doing it in public quite often adds an extra thrill that comes from the fear of being ostracised, and the fear that the warden will rip your nuts off if he catches you drenching the rabbits in your chunder. However, such adventurous pursuits should be the product of your imagination and ingenuity and they will be all the more enjoyable for you this way. Bellow is a summary of the more well known and loved positions for two player mutual puking. 1) The Vomit Roll Start with your partner lying flat out on their front and with you sitting on top just above their posterior. When everyone is ready, heave onto their back starting from the head down to where you are sitting. Sit still for a while to allow them to enjoy the trickling sensation and you may like to experiment with a trailing finger for a moment or two. Then, slowly your partner turns over to squeeze out the vomit and relax in it's soothing vapours whilst you repeat the process, this time on their front. This is an example of mutual but not synchronised vomitting, or anti-phase throwing up as some people have come to call it. 2) Chukakiss This, perhaps, the most romantic of all heaving, and certainly the most touching gesture found between humans. Simply bring the lips togther, with mouths wide open, and kiss slowly. In the conventional form, both people slowly ooze forth the vomit, and fill their cheeks. At the start you can roll your tongue around your partners mouth, chase little bits up and down their gums and so forth, but as the action continues, withdraw your tongue and place it at the bottem of your mouth. During the middle phase, it is possible to push vomit back and forth between you. This is known as, "passing the puke", (a scence depicting this featured in the recent box-office smash, "Yours, Forever"), and is in many ways the most pleasureable part since it can last a long time. Finally, at the climax, when both mouths are packed, close the regurgitation with small bursts. The first few will just stretch your cheeks, (I personally find this so exciting that I usually orgasm), but sooner or later there will just be no more room and the pressure of vomit will explode sending gushes over you and your partners face. Beautiful! Other versions of this you will want to try are, hold back your sick and prolonging the ecstacy of suspense before barking quickly with passion. Or taking turns to wrench and swallow. 3) "A Spew Job" This follows the lines of a conventional, "Blow-job", except at the peak of pleasure the lady throws. She can either hold the vomit in her mouth and let the natural juices tingle upon the penis, or withdraw and continue to blast his genitals with pea soup. It is a great shame that the analogous technique upon the female sex is not practical. "Chuckilingus", remains an activity confined to massochistic circles, and with good reason! I would not recommend trying it. Chapter #7: Professional vomitting and competition. The ANSI vomit grading standard as used in the "Mr. Vomit" and most other competitions is as follows:- CONSISTANCY: The vomit is transferred into a sucession of wire mesh containers, the mesh size increasing in the sequence, ( 1mm, 2mm, 3mm, 5mm, 8mm, 13mm, 21mm ) and the weight found in each category is measured. The product of these weights is taken, and the consistancy score is this value. Extra credit is usually given for unusual or amusing shaped chunks or pieces of vomit that remind the judges of someone they know. VOLUME: The volume score is the sum of the weights in each category. COLOUR: Spectographical analysis under tungsten is taken and absorbance over frequency is plotted. The standard deviation from the mean is calculated by computer and this is the colour score. ACIDITY: Your vomit is placed on a standard meter cube of polystyrene. After 10 minutes the depth of the depression formed is measured and is the acidity score. This is soon to be replaced by a Ph meter. However, to please the traditionalists, acidity will still be marked in mm/10min TASTE: Your vomit is offered to a dog which is a clone of "lapper", the first vomit taster judge who sadly died a few years ago. The percentage volume that is consumed is the taste score. SMELL: The smell mark is binary. If the lapper clone refuses to go to the bowl then you get zero. Professional vomitting is not something to be taken lightly. It is a tight and proud community that enters regularly for contests and your face will be remembered from when you first try your stomach under the rules. For this reason it is considerably hard to pass from, "excellent amateur", to, "professional". Professionals are a nervous lot and they will not coach you if they think you've got enough potential to displace them. Training then, is restricted to observation and intuition. If you are interested then subscribe to the relevant newsgroups, attend all the competitions, and keep an eye on the top dogs. Of course, there are always crowds of well-wishers and stain collectors at public gatherings and this can sometimes be deployed to your advantage. Vommiters are a fair minded breed and may take pity upon a no-hoper wretching pathetically on the side lines, and offer a few handy tips. I wish you the best of luck, and may the best barker win! From alt.tasteless Wed May 8 22:49:58 1991 Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!case From: case@diku.dk (Steven Snedker) Subject: Re: -*@ The Joy Of Vomit @*- Message-ID: <1991May8.192932.1247@odin.diku.dk> Sender: case@freja.diku.dk Organization: Department of Computer Science, U of Copenhagen References: Date: Wed, 8 May 91 19:29:32 GMT Lines: 11 Thanks a lot for your remarkable work. I've spent my last 5 years in a vomiting humdrum, I couldn't quite escape. It was just drinking a lot cherry wine, coming home, fucking everything that moved (and occasionally things that didn't, especially after my infant daughter died). Then falling exhausted to the floor, I'd just start crying and vomiting cherry wine through the nose. Although the nasal vomit is the most sexually arousing, it gets a bit dull, and I'm very glad I read this paper. Now I feel, for the first time in five fuckkin years, that I can get a hard on watching Webster..,er, well, thanks anyway. Steven.