=============================================================================== Bodily Functions Survey Q U E S T I O N N A I R E Please feel free to: Answer only some of the questions. Digress and discuss interesting relevant points or relate amusing anecdotes. Circulate this questionnaire to any other people you think might be interested. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Briefly describe yourself (age, sex, occupation, etc.). In general, how do you feel about bodily functions such as mucus production, urination, and defecation? Do you feel that most others share your views? NASAL HYGIENE Where, typically, do you pick your nose (bathroom, car, kitchen...)? What do you do with the "boogers" once you've snagged them? Ever give yourself a nosebleed from excessively vigorous picking? Would you say you "enjoy" picking your nose? If so, do you do ever do anything to ensure that there'll be plenty to pick (hike dusty trails, snort breadcrumbs...)? Ever picked anyone else's nose? Whose? How old were you? Ever place objects in your nostrils (coins, marbles...)? Ever "lose" anything up there? How did you finally get it out (if you ever did, that is)? Did you ever deposit a booger someplace you wish you hadn't? Where might that have been? Do you like the actor Slim Pickens? Do you blow your nose? What are some unusual things you've blown your nose into when you haven't had a tissue or hanky? Ever blow your nose into "thin air"? Where did it land? Ever blow your nose in the shower? Do you ever sneeze gobs of mucus onto your hand? What do you do with them if you don't have a hanky handy? VOMITING When was the last time you threw up? What were the surrounding circumstances? Do you throw up often? About how often? Have you ever made yourself throw up? Why? What was the most embarrassing place you ever threw up? Ever "chug" and then "power boot"? How far did it go? Did you win? Who did? What is your favorite food to throw up (if such a preference has ever occurred to you)? Ever make anyone else throw up? How? Why? What literally nauseates you? Are you susceptible to "motion discomfort"? Where? Any major events make you throw up (weddings, PhD orals, PhD anals)? Ever throw up into your mouth and then swallow it again? Ever throw up into your hands and then eat it again, like this kid next to me on the school bus once did (the memory haunts me to this day)? URINATION Do you get "Asparagus pee"? "Coffee pee"? "Neon Multivitamin pee"? Ever time your pees? What's your "record"? Ever break a minute without beer? Do you pee in the shower? (Guys:) Ever pee out the window of a moving car? (Gals:) Ever accidentally pee a little from laughing too much? Ever pee while in a swimming pool? Public or private? Was this recent? How about in a hot tub? No way! (Gals:) Ever use the men's room because the line was too long for the women's and it was an "emergency"? (Guys:) Ever find it hard to pee if there's a long line of people waiting behind you? Ever use a toilet stall purely for privacy's sake? Do you sometimes briefly shiver in the middle of a long pee? (Guys:) How do you pee with an early morning erection? Or do you just wait? Where do you like to pee outdoors? Have you ever peed from the top of a tree? Off a cliff? (Guys:) Do you use the fly on undies, do you pull them down, or do you pull one of the leg holes up and around? Do you favor boxers or briefs? DEFECATION Ever pinch a loaf so big that part of it stuck out of the water? Ever wipe with leaves? Dirt? Your hand? Paper money? Do you crumple your toilet paper or fold it? About how many squares do you tear off at once? About how many wipes do get per tear? About how many tears will take care of your average loaf? Do you wipe front to back (i.e. bottom to top), back to front, or just back and forth? Do you reach around behind your back or reach back through between your legs? Do you look at the paper after a wipe? Do you stand to wipe or remain seated and lean over? Ever moisten the paper for improved cleaning ability? How? Does eating highly spiced foods affect your loaves the next day? Does drinking coffee help give you "the urge"? Smoking a cigarette? Would you consider yourself "regular"? How many loaves do you pinch per day? At what times? Ever see kernels of corn in your loaves? Peanuts? Tomato seeds? Other distinguishable objects? Do you eat breakfast cereal? A high-fiber variety? Are you pleased with its effect on your stool? Do you ever avoid any food or any class of food because you don't like the effect it has on your loaves? Are you reluctant to pinch a loaf away from home? What's the most uncomfortable place you've ever had to pinch a loaf? Do you fear "toilet water splash-back"? Do you like it? Are you a world traveller? How have you found foreign types of toilets to be? What's your "record" for how long you've gone without pinching a loaf? Were you travelling then? FLATUS EXPULSION About how many times per day do you usually fart? What foods do you associate with flatulence (besides the obvious ones)? In what social situations do you allow yourself to fart? In situations in which you hold it back, when do you finally let it go (bathroom visit, outside, end of evening, crowded dance floor...)? Do you generally excuse yourself or otherwise say anything to acknowledge it? What do you say? (Singles:) How long (if at all) do you have to be "going out" with someone before you'll fart in their company? Do you just wait for them to go first? How long do they typically take? (Marrieds:) Do you fart freely in the presence of your spouse when there's just the two of you there? Ever ignite a fart? What color did it glow? Did you singe any hairs? Ever fart onto your hand? Did you sniff your hand afterwards? Were you at all surprised? Do you think this is sick behavior? Ever fart while swimming? Were you wearing a skin-tight bathing suit? A wetsuit? Did anyone comment, or did they just pretend not to notice? Ever "blame" someone else for one of your farts? Ever been in a situation in which everyone comments, but no one admits responsibilty? Was it in a car? Are there any related questions you think I should have asked? What are they? Thank you very much for your candid participation. ============================================================================= QUESTIONAIRE ON TOILET ETIQUETTE Here is an extensive lavatory etiquette questionaire to clear all those questions you were to afraid to ask your friends or parents/teachers.... The questions do not necessarily imply I have encountered such situations. Please answer honestly:- ALWAYS SOMETIMES NEVER ** Toilet hygiene ** 1. Do you wash your hands after A. a shit : [ ] [ ] [ ] B. a piss : [ ] [ ] [ ] C. a wank : [ ] [ ] [ ] 2. Do you take any food/drinks into the toilet with you? A. food : [ ] [ ] [ ] B. drink : [ ] [ ] [ ] C. both : [ ] [ ] [ ] ** Ass wiping questions ** 3. In what position do you wipe your ass/arse? A. standing : [ ] [ ] [ ] B. crouching : [ ] [ ] [ ] C. sitting : [ ] [ ] [ ] D. squating : [ ] [ ] [ ] 4. Do you look at the used toilet paper to see how much longer to wipe? A. quickly : [ ] [ ] [ ] B. intensely : [ ] [ ] [ ] 5. If some shit accidentally strays onto your hand/finger, do you ;- A. rinse hands & dry on towel [ ] B. wash thouroughly with hot water [ ] C. use sterlising fluid [ ] D. open the door and whistle your dog to come in? [ ] 6. If you run out of paper, or don't notice that there was none in the first place, or that some joker placed the roll down the toilet do you:- A. try to walk awkwardly through to the next cubicle(s) until you find some? [ ] B. say - fuck it and walk away hoping it was a dry shit. [ ] C. take off an item of clothing, use it and then walk away, feeling clever. [ ] ** Confidence questions ** MALES:- 7. If you walk into a public convenience and it is full of big, strapping footballers (male), and desperately need to empty the water tank, do you:- A. Get nervous and walk back out [ ] B. Start talking in a loud voice, showing how confident you are [ ] C. Wait until a cubicle is free, pretending you need a shit - even sitting down to look ultra convincing in case anybody looks underneath the partition [ ] D. not give a fuck, and piss in the sink, or chat about the fine 'bitches` outside etc. [ ] E. hope they ask you for a shag? [ ] Either sex:- 8. If you are going for a shit and walk into a cubicle and sit down do you:- A. say, "Ah, nothing like a good dump" and proceed to speak to your lav-neighbours [ ] B. try to crap quietly, and not to fart too much, in case the people next door start laughing etc. [ ] C. let it all out with a big bang, because you're a real man [ ] D. not really give it a thought [ ] 9. If you feek like a wank in a public place would you :- A. zip to the toilet and head for a cubicle [ ] B. just do it there and then [ ] C. try to get home quickly [ ] D. tell your partner (if app) [ ] E. do nothing (except fantasize) [ ] 10. When standing at a urinal, squashed between two other guys, would you:- A. conceal yourself, and close eyes [ ] B. start a conversation. [ ] C. look up at the roof [ ] D. look down to watch it go [ ] E. look from side to side [ ] F. start whistling a crap tune [ ] E. stand with your hands behind your back, hoping you're making a point [ ] 11. After completing this questionaire, do you :- A. feel satisfied [ ] B. think it was a load of shit [ ] C. think the author must be sad [ ]* D. think, why did I waste my time with this shit (questionaire) [ ] * Well, not like you though. ************** I don't generally have much interest in this subject but thought ************* these questions should be asked, just to clear things up. ************ You may post your replies to the newsgroup (we won't take it *********** personally. Or you can ignore it. Don't mail me, because I don't ********** really give a shit.