Q: What do you do when you've just had sex with a 5-year-old girl? A: Flip her over and pretend she's a 5-year-old boy. Q. What do you call an aboriginal holding a gun ? A. Anything he bloody well wants ! Q. What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challenger disaster? A. "What's this button do?" Q. What kind of wood doesn't float? A. Natalie Wood. Q. How come Natalie Wood didn't take a shower the night she died? A. She thought she'd just wash up on shore. Q. How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff? A. They found his Head and Shoulders in the bushes. What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub? Throw in your laundry. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? One, but you have to slice him really thin. How could anyone possibly shoot women and children from a 'nam helicopter? Easy, you just don't lead them by as much. For my birthday, my friends bought me a sweater. I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner, but you take what you can get. What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable? Digesting the wheelchair. What do you call a fat chinaman? A chunk. What's the easiest way to make stew? Throw some sneezing powder at a leper. What's the best way to make a nun pregnant? Fuck her! Why doesn't Jesus like to eat M&Ms? They keep falling through the holes in his hands. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers aren't an endangered species. Q: Why can't you trust women? A: How can you trust anybody who bleeds that much and does not DIE! Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles? A1: Baby dropped through helicopter blades. A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30000 feet. (Really spread around) Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat? A: Cabbage patch kids. Q: What is the definition of revenge? A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth. What's the last thing Jesus heard? "Cross your legs, we've only got three nails!" Why didn't Jesus make it to college? He got nailed on his boards. What's worse that a dead skunk on your piano? A diseased beaver on your organ. What are portholes? Hookers waiting for ships to come in. What do you call big, ugly, hairy nuns who drive motorcycles? Hell's Angels of Mercy. What happened after Iraq invaded Kuwait? Switzerland declared itself neutral and Italy surrendered. If you go to a doctor and discover you have VD, what do you know for sure? Urine trouble. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. What do you call a person who's half Mexican? Sorta-Rican. What do you call a person who's half German and half Mexican? A Beaner-Schnitzel. What do you call a prick with VD, AIDS, and gonorrhea? A hot dog with the works. What's one of the pros of marrying a Mexican? You get an unlimited supply of natural gas. How many paranoid people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who wants to know? What do you get when you cross an Italian with a Pole? A hitman who misses. Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds? They have the shakes instead. How do you know you've got a really small prick? You flash a policewoman and get arested for carrying a concealed weapon. Q: Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hall? A: Because it had a javelin stuck through its head. Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence? A: Ripping it back off. Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH? A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok). Q: What's red and goes around and around? A: A baby in a garbage disposal! Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand? A: You can't gargle sand. Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox? A: With a cuisinart! Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first? A: To see the expression on its face. Q: What is blue and gooey and crawls up a woman's leg? A: A homesick abortion. Q: What's red and white, and goes at speeds up to 40MPH? A: A baby in a blender. Q: What's pink and spits? A: A baby in a frying pan. Q: What's red and screams? A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. A: A peeled baby dipped in brine. Q: What's easier to load on a truck: babies or bricks? A: Babies... you can use a pitchfork! Q: What's worse than one baby in a trash can? A: One baby in three trash cans? Q: What's worse than that? A: Three trash cans in one baby. Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles. A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet. Q: What is blue and yellow lies at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties. Q: What is pink and red and silver and bumps into walls? A: A baby with forks in its eyes. Q: What is pink and red and gurgles? A: A baby munching on razor blades. Q: What's blue and sits in a corner? A: A baby with a plastic bag over its head! Q: What is brown, bubbly and scratches at the window? A: A baby in a microwave. Q: What is red and has a million holes in it? A: A baby on a bed of nails. Q: What is pink and red and gets smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler. Q: What is pink and green? A: The same baby six weeks later. (applies to the last few) Q: What's gross? A: A dead baby. Q: What's grosser? A: A whole truckload of dead babies. Q: What's even grosser? A: A live baby struggling for air amid the stench of decay at the bottom. Q: What's grosser still? A: The live baby eating its way out. Q: What is the grossest of all? A: The same baby coming back for more. Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? A: Twins in an acid bath. Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes? A: Gouge its eyes out. Q: How do you cross an auditorium full of babies? A: With a snow blower. Q: What's red and hangs in trees? A: A baby that has been hit by a snowblower. Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? A: Because you get a womb with a view. Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying? A: With an axe. Q: How do you load a pile of dead babies on a truck? A: Pitchforks. Q: How do you load a pile of LIVE babies on a truck? A: Pitchforks! Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? A: You can't fuck a rock. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: 3/4 glass ginger ale, two scoops of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby. Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing? A: Tying them to your tires and skidding. Q: What's pink, charred, bloody, and blind? A: A baby with needles in its eyes trying to get its favourite toy out of a lit fireplace. Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth? A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup. Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken. Q: What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A: A baby on a meathook. Q: Why do babies have a weak spot in the top of their skulls? A: So if there's a fire in the hospital, the nurses can carry them out six at a time. Q: What is twelve inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the morning? A: Cot death. Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil? Didja hear about the little boy who came running into the house with blood all over his hand? He went running up to his mother saying 'Mommie, Mommie! You were right! Babies do have soft spots in the top of their heads!' Q: What's the difference between a dog that was hit by a car and a skinhead that was hit by a car? A: There are tire marks before the dog!!! Q: What's black 'n' yellow 'n' full of crispy critters? A: A burnt school bus. Q. What's pink, stiff and hard and sends women wild? A. Crib death! Q. What's blue and fucks old ladies? A. Hypothermia Q. How can you tell if your dad has been having incest with your sister? A. His dick tastes funny! Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with the light on! Q. What's the difference between love and like? A. A spit and a swallow! Q. What's the definition of an ideal women? A. One that turns in to a Pizza and a six pack at 12.00pm Q. Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together? A. So you can pick them up like a six-pack! Q. Why do women have legs? A. Look at the mess that snails make! Q. Why do dogs lick their balls? A. Because they can! Q. Why do Japanese have slant eyes? A. Wouldn't you if you'd seen and atom bomb flash! Q. What was John Lennons last words? A. "Ahhhg, that's not a real gun!" Q. When Sadaam Husein is screwing why do his women always get on top? A. Because he can only fuck up! Q. What's the difference between Sadaam and a bucket of shit? A. The bucket? Q. What about the thelidamide that got done coming through customs? A. He was in possession of small arms! Q. What about the thelidamide that blew his head off on July 4th? A. His dad told him to hold the firework at arms length! Q. Did you hear about the two irish queers? A. Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald! Q. What about the queer that went missing is Australia? A. They found him in Sydney! Q. What part of a vegetable can't you eat? A. The wheelchair! Q. Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains! A. Pull yourself together man! Q. Doctor doctor everyone keeps ignoring me! A. Next please! Q. Doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards! A. I'll deal with you later! Q. What about the polish wood worm? A. Found dead in a brick! Q. What about the polish Kamikaze pilot? A. On his 14th mission! Q. What about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot? A. He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard! Q. Latest Polish invention? A. Solar powered torch! Q. How about the Polak that sneaked out of the restaurant? A. ... without eating his meal! Q. Have you seen Stevie wonders new car? A. No, but neither has he. Q. What goes "Click click click - is that it, click click click, is that it, click click click is that it?" A. Stevie wonder doing a Rubiks cube! Q. What's the definition of everlasting love? A. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis! Q. What did the leper say to the hooker? A. Keep the tip! Q. Why did the fisherman marry a woman with Gonorhea, Pyorea and Diarohea ? A. For the maggots! Q. What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors? A. A nun with a Javelin through her head. Q. What's brown and taps on glass? A. A baby in a microwave! Q. What's long, pink in parts and goes in tarts? A. Rhubarb! Q. How do Helen Kellers parents punish her? A. They rearrange the furniture! Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A. So she can moan with the other! Q. How can you tell that the bar man doesn't like you? A. You get a string hanging out your bloody mary! Q. What's white and hangs from a cloud? A. The coming of the lord! Q. Why didn't Jesus christ take a $100000K a year job in Palestine? A. Because last time he was there they nailed him with Tax! Q. What's got an I.Q. of 230? A. Mexico! Q. Have you heard about the new Polish parachute? A. It opens on impact! Q: What do you call the loose skin around a vagina? A: A woman. Q: What's the definition of a woman? A: Life support system for a vagina. Q: How many Pro-lifer's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 6. One to screw it in and 5 to testify it was lit on the first turn. Q: What's green and brown with 250,000 holes in it? A: Iraq's newest golf course. Q: What is long, colourful, and smells bad? A: The unemployment line.... Q: What's blue and yellow and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: A baby with sabotaged floaties. Q: What's black and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: A baby covered with funnelwebs. Q: What's red and green and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: The same, three weeks later. Q: Why do babies have a weak spot in the top of their skulls? A: So if there's a fire in the hospital, the nurses can carry them out six at a time. Q: How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Seven. One to screw in the lightbulb, two to cheer, and four to hold the socket down. Q. Whats the difference between a glass of sand and a glass of menstrual fluid? A. You can't gargle a glass of sand !! Q. What has licking out a girl and the mafia got in common? A. One slip of the tongue and your in the shit !! Q: How do you fuck a two-year-old? A: You put your dick in while it's soft so that that you can listen to the bones break as you get a hard-on. Q: What is the worst thing about fucking 8 year olds? A: Geting the blood out of your clown suit. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: A hickey on a hemmorhoid? Q: What do the following have in common? 1) Peanut M & M's 2) Kodak Film 3) Woody Allen A: They all come in a yellow box. Q: What do you call the fleshy bit on the outside of the clitoris? A: Woman- Q: Why do women have periods ? A: Who cares? Q: Why don't women laugh at sexist jokes? A: Because they haven't got a sense of humour. Q. How often do lesbian vampires meet up? A. Once a month. Q: An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa Claus walk into a lift. There is a five pound note on the floor. Who picks it up? A: The intelligent woman, because the other two don't exist. Q: What did the deaf dumb blind boy with halotisis and dandruff get for Xmas? A: Aids. What did she do when she fell down a well? She screamed her hands off. Why did her dog jump off a cliff? You would too if your name was ARRUyyyRRUG! How did she burn her ear? She answered the tea kettle. How did she burn her other ear? They called back. How do you punish Helen Keller? Leave the plunger in the toilet bowl. Put the toilet seat on the stove. Put doorknobs on the walls. Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner Why are Helen Keller's kids blind? She tried to feed them with a fork... Hear about the new Helen Keller dolls? You wind them up and they walk into walls. Why can't Helen Keller drive??? She's a woman. How did HK break her wrist? She tried to read a stop sign at 55 mph. How did Helen burn her face? Bobbing for french fries. Q: How did HK burn her fingers? A: Reading the waffle iron. Whats 12 inches and white? NOTHING!!! Why aren't Arabians circumsized? There's no end to those pricks. How did the polish hockey team drown? Spring training. What do you get when you cross a hooker and a chinese person? Someone who will suck clean your laundry. How are they improving transportation in Harlem? They are planting the trees closer together. What do you call 20 polish women in a swimming pool? Bay of pigs. What was John Lennon's last hit? The pavement. Greece: Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous. Q: How do you recognize a Norwegian on an airport? A: They feed the aircrafts. * What's the slowest thing in the world? A Mexican funeral with one set of jumper cables. * Why do Mexicans drive low-riders? So they can drive and pick lettuce at the same time. * What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? The redneck that gave it to him. * What do you call a redneck girl who runs faster than her brothers? A virgin. * What's the difference between a buzzard and a redneck? One is ugly, has a long, skinny neck and eats carcasses by the side of the road. The other -- has wings! * What's one definition of "confusion"? Two blind lesbians in a fish market. * Comment to all lesbians: Men don't need women -- they can eat in restaurants. * How do you know Jesus was Jewish? 1. He lived with his parents 'til he was 30; 2. He went into his father's business; 3. His mother thought he was God. '* What does Poland do with its used garbage trucks? Sells them to Italy as used campers. * How do you get 100 Italians in a VW? Throw in a penny. - How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap. * How do you tell the bride at an Italian wedding? Her armpits are braided. * How do you know you're in an Italian town? You see toilet paper hanging out to dry. * What's an Italian luau? Several Italians sitting around a cesspool with straws. * Why could Jesus never have been born in Italy? No one could find a virgin and three wise men. * What's a cross between a monkey and a Polish retard? An Italian intellectual. * How did Italians get across the Mediterranean and the Atlantic? One would swim; the rest would walk on the oil slick. * What's the difference between a nazi and a bucket of shit? The bucket. * What's a black seven-course meal? A six of Colt-45 and some cheese fries. * What's the difference between blacks and snow tires? Tires don't sing when you put chains on them. * How do you know Adam was white? Ever try to get a spare rib from a black? * What has six legs and goes "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"? Three blacks running for an elevator. * What do you do with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Rush Limbaugh in the same room -- as you hold a gun with TWO bullets? Shoot Rush twice. "Mommy, mommy, I don't want to see Grandma." "Shutup and keep digging." "Mommy, mommy, Grandma's got a bruise!" "Shutup and eat around it!" "Mommy, mommy, why is Daddy squirming around like that?" "Shutup and reload!" "Mommy, mommy, quick get me a spoon. Fido threw up and Billy is getting all the big pieces." Mommy, Mommy, Why is daddy so blue ? Shut up and keep digging ! Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sisters guts. Shut up and eat whats in front of you ! Mommy, Mommy, can my little brother come out and play ? You know he doesn't have any arms or legs. I know, we want to use him for thrid base ! Mommy, Mommy, can I play the piano ? No ! You know your hooks will scratch the keys ! Mommy, Mommy, was that Ted Williams that hit a home run ? What do you care, your blind ! Mommy, Mommy, why are we having a Christmas tree in August ? If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, you have Lukemia ! Mommy, Mommy, daddy just posioned my cat ! Maybe he had to dear. I know, but he said I could do it ! ****************************** DAHMER ************************************** Dahmer's lawyer said he didn't have a leg to stand on. He said he had a few extras back at the house... He was the first person ever happy when his lawyer told him he'd charge an arm and a leg... He knew how to keep a cool head. When the police got to his apartment they found very little furniture; just armchairs and footstools. And then the police thought Jeffrey was having some sort of a club meeting at his place.... there were a lot of members around. Weirdo, n. [wEIr-doe], Someone who, in a fridge, sees sour milk next to human body parts and says "Sour Milk! Gross!" That's what he gets for keeping it next to the head cheese. Milwaukee Pickup Line Of The Week: "What's a nice guy like you doing in a fridge like this?" Famous last words: Hey, Eat Me, Buddy!" Jeff Dahmer's having a legal expense fundraiser - "Hands, and Feet, Across America." "I almost went into Dahmer's apartment, but Rod Serling warned me I was about to enter 'The Twilight Calzone.'" Did you hear about the latest charges they were bringing against him? Selling arms to Iraq Apparently, Dahmer has escaped from jail within the last few hours. Universal has picked up the story and is working on a new feature film based on Dahmer's plight. It's tentatively titled "Cannibal Run" After admitting to 17 murder/mutilations, the police finally asked Jeffrey D. why he did it. he reponded "i wanted to get aHead in life!" How did they know Dahmer suffered from dandruff? They found Head and Shoulders in the shower. I hear that for breakfast he liked to have scrambled legs, for lunch a little beans 'n Frank, and for supper some moo goo guy in a pan. What was the name of that teenager who went up to Jeffrey's apartment to pose for beefcake pictures? Stu... And of course he didn't lie to the neighbors about that awful smell. What he said was, "Oh, it's a bunch of Chuck steak that went bad..." Obviously a man of good taste, his apartment was scattered with small pieces of art (and steve ...) Good taste definitely. Local antique dealers were bidding for his extensive and exquisite collection of chests. The police are thinking of charging him for his large and small arms collection. Seems he forgot to register them. "Bring me a beer from the fridge", he told police, "and put a head on it." I heard he was looking for another apartment, He was running out of elbow room......... Yah, The neighbours said he was always trying to butt in. Jeffery Dahmer's apartment is up for rent. It comes partially furnished and with roomates. ( Some assembly required !!!!!!! ) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desperately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said, "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over in the confessional for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said. "Look, it's easy. I have the sins and the penance written down on this chart right here. All you have to do is look up the sin and give them the penance. No one will know it's you in there." The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Marys". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sigh of relief. The second parishioner entered. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vain - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex", nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked at him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are these three old ladies sitting on a park bench. They're just talking about the weather and passing time. This really strange guy in a trenchcoat comes running up and rips off his trenchcoat. The guy is completely bare-arsed naked underneath... Well, the first lady is totally shocked and has a stroke. The second lady just about falls off the bench and has a stroke too. The third lady was too far away and couldnt reach... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the nurse, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing its against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?" "Take a joke, man", the doctor says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!" * There once was a man from Nantucket, (this HAS to come first) Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!" * There once was a man from Bangkok, (great name: bang-cock!) Who had holes up the length of his cock. When he got an erection, He'd play a selection From Johannes Sebastian Bach. * There once was a man from Darjeeling, (it exists) Who pounded his pud with great feeling. Then, like a trout, He'd open his mouth, And wait for the drops from the ceiling. * There once was a rabbi from Peru, Whose wife he was trying to screw. His wife said, "Oy vay, If you keep up zis vay, The Messiah vill come before you!" * There once was a man from Rangoon, Who was born nine months too soon. He hadn't the luck To be born by a fuck; He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. * There once were two brothers named Hyde. One fell in a cesspool and died. The next day, his brother Fell into another, And now they're interred (in turd) side by side. * There once was a Jew from Salonika Who for Christmas received a harmonica. His mom, to annoy him, Said, "Acch, dat's for goyim!" And gave him a Jew's harp for Chanuka. There once was a girl named Dot who lived off pig shit and snot when she couldn't get these, she ate the green cheese, that she scraped off the inside of her twat. There once was a girl from Peru Who had nothing whatever to do So she sat on the stairs and counted cunt hairs Four thousand, three hundred and two! On a bridge stood the bishop of buckingham Thinking of tits and of sucking them While watching the stunts of the cunts and the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em. Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To get her old dog a bone When she bent over, Rover took over And she go a bone of here own Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are, Shine upon the parking lot, as I lick my girlfriends twat Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick. Mary had a little lamb She kept in her back yard. Every time she took her panties off, it's woolly dick got hard. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids, her Uterus fell out. * A Yuppie mother gave her son two shirts for Christmas. The next morning he came downstairs wearing one of them. His mother said, "Ohhhh, you didn't like the other one...?" Two guys walking down the street. They see this dog licking its crotch. One guy says, "Don't you wish you could do that?" And the other guy answers, "Yeah, but don't you think we should try petting him first?" A handicapped guy in a motorized wheelchair was riding in the street here on campus when he was hit by a car. He is in critical condition. The good news is that he will probably live, but the bad news is that he will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. A guy walks into a brothel and sits down in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the madam greets him. The man tells her that he only has a buck fifty. "You're in luck," said the madam," for a $1.50, you can have the room at the end of the hall on the left." The man pays the madam, then walks down the hall and into the room. He sees a gorgeous woman laying nude on the bed, waiting for him. The guy strips down as fast as he can and starts screwing her like a madman. Suddenly, he sees her nose running. Her ears are running, and something is oozing out of her mouth. Disgusted by this, the man runs stark naked down the hall and calls to the madam. "That lady in there ... there's stuff oozing out of her!!!" "Oh, damn," she says as she turns and cups her hands over her mouth. "HEY HARRY, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!!" A black man goes to a Job Centre trying to find a job. Black man: 'I want to have a job.' Employee: 'That's a coincidence, there's a job as a boss of a bank!' Black man: 'You're joking ?!?' Employee: 'Who started joking in the first place?' --- _PC_Joke_of_the_Day:_ A Pakistani, a Jew and an Irishman all walk into a bar together. What a beautiful example of racial harmony. --- This thread almost got me into serious trouble. I had asked a friend why she missed the VP debates. She said that she was "Disemboweling a fish". Now because of you people, I took this totally innocent and normally unremarkable phrase totally and completely out of context. Shame on you people, Shame shame shame. --- Gastronomical Bean Story Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrasing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice --- and gave up beans ---they were married shortly thereafter. Some months later the car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country he called his wife, and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way he passed a small cafe, and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work out any ill effects before he got home so he stopped. Before leaving he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and explained delightly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned; she then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took his napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt the urge returning, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was the prize winner. While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was smiling contently to himself. He was the perfect picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked, and, of course, he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a "Happy-Birthday" party for him. A massive elephant had a tiny needle in his foot, so tiny but still so painful. A tiny mouse came along and the elephant asked the mouse to remove the tiny painful needle from his foot. "OK", the mouse said, "but on one condition: I want to bang you as a reward." The elephant thought that the mouse was joking, but he replied: "Why sure." Removing the tiny needle was no challenge for the mouse, and in a minute he was done with the medical operation. So he started to get ready for the sexual one. While the mouse was at it, the elephant could not feel a thing, really. But in the bushes there was a hunter, and he got a clear shot at the elephant with his elephant gun. As the bullets hit the elephant, the jungle was filled with painful roars. The mouse, still at it, squeaked: "Suffer, baby, Suffer" Does a frog bump his heiny when he jumps? Is a frog's ass watertight? Is eagle pussy high? Does a hundred pound sack of flour make a big biscuit? Does shit stick to a rabbits fur? (From: Bear and Rabbit shitting in the woods. Bear looks at Rabbit and says, "Have you got a problem with shit stickin to your fur?" Rabbit says, "No." So the Bear wipes his ass with him.) Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra. Colder than a whale diggers ass in the Klondike. Slicker than catshit on a linoleum rug. Slicker than owlshit on brass doorknob. Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. That shit just don't flush. I've shit bigger than you. You know hugh. Hugh damn right. Look at the shitter on that critter. That girl has a mean dookie box. She's got the kind of legs I like. Feet on one end, pussy on the other. I don't belive in premarital sex. I weren't gonna marry the bitch anyway. Them legs have done grown up and made a perfect ass of themselves. That girl's a sea bass. See that Big Ass. What you thought I wanted some of your pussy? Ha! Sex ain't all its cracked up to be, but fuckin, thats fun! (Original) Ladies, ladies, spread out and give us some womb. Beauty is only a light switch away. Sex is dirty, but only if it's done right. She's so fat if she wears fishnet stockings they better be 50 pound test. That's slicker'n snot on a doorknob. You as sharp as a marble. I'm so hungry I could eat road pizza. Busier'n a cat in a sandbox. Busier'n a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch. Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full 'a rockin' chairs. She has legs so long they reach from the ground all the way up to heaven! Feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit. Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed. Feel like a nigger at a Ku Klux Klan rally. (Sorry but that's the way it's said) If it'd been a snake it have bit ya. I'd drink her bathwater. I'd eat the peanuts out of her shit. I'd bite down on her and pray for lockjaw. Best thing since sliced white bread. Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Cold? Well I had two little lumps in my throat. ---- This is as good a time as any to intrroduce you to Geoff's Guide To Euphemisms -- a modern primer to assist one`s navigation through the mysterious and hazardous shoals of modern mealy-mouthed obfuscation: EUPHEMISM TRANSLATION --------- ----------- undocumented workers illegal aliens physically handicapped, crippled physically challenged emotionally handicapped crazy mentally handicapped, mentally retarded developmentally disabled, "special" vitally handicapped dead hearing impaired deaf ("Haah?") visually impaired blind chemical dependency drug addiction substance abuse drug abuse affectional preference sexual orientation the homeless bums put down, put away kill (an animal) people of color colored people economically deprived poor vertically impaired short the elderly, old people "seniors" (formerly "senior citizens", as opposed to 12th graders) dimensionally impaired ghost food server or waitperson waitress (otherwise simply "waiter") firefighter fireman -person (suffix) -woman (e.g., "spokesperson") custodian janitor passed away died administrative assistant secretary person with AIDS (PWA) AIDS victim "battling" a disease dying from a disease sensitive 90's male wimp politically correct prone to euphemisms (among other problems) emotionally challenged subjected to euphemisms and and attempting to refrain from strangling the perpatra- tors of same And of course the All-Time Hall of Famer: the "F-word" "fuck" --- Two very *virginal* people had dated each other for a long time, without any sexual exploration. They decided they wanted to get married. But the girl said, "Before we get married, you need to know that I'm just flat as a board." And the guy said, "Well, that's OK with me. You need to know that I'm just like a baby down there..". So she said, "Oh, that's OK with me.." On their wedding eve, the girl undressed for her new husband for the first time. "Wow! You really *are* flat as a board..", he said, "But that's OK with me." And shortly he emerged from the bathroom, undressed, and stood before his new wife. She gasped in horror. "You're enormous!", she cried. "I thought you said you were like a *baby* down there.". "Well, I am," he answered, "21 inches long, and 9 pounds." Young Tyrone comes home from school all excited and says, "Mama, mama, I's got the biggest cock in the second grade! Is that because I's black?" "No, Tyrone," his mother replies, "That's because you'z 17." Three friends - Aborignal, Jew and white Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they are leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is suprised to see the Australian - who he assumed dead - walk through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we paid him $20." "Well, obviously you paid up, but what happened to your friends." "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it." --- This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act. At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely and poiltely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?" The little girl sobs " Yeah, Ill try *sniff sniff*" Policeman: "Righto then what happened?" Girl: "*sob* Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. *sniff sob* When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me *bawl*" Policeman: "Yes please go on...." Girl: "Then *sob sob* he lifted up my dress *howl*" Policeman: "then?....." Girl: "He pulled down my pants......*absolutley bawling now*...... no I cant go on....." The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING UP!" --- An american was taking a bus tour in the outback and on one of the stops he walked for a little while. He came (or should I say happened upon) across an aboriginal fucking an Emu (like an ostrich for those who didn't know) and quite disgusted by this he walked away only to see a one legged aboriginal having a toss close by. The american goes ballistic and comes to the ranger/tourguide ranting and raving. 'I just saw an abo up an emu's arse and then a one legged abo masturbating close by. What have you got to say about it?'. The ranger looks at the yank in surprise. 'Gees mate, you don't expect a one legged aboriginal to run down an Emu do you?' Boom boom. What do you call a white guy surrounded by: one black guy? Sparring Partner. two black guys? Victim. five black guys? Coach (basketball for the sport-impaired). ten black guys? Quarterback. fifty black guys? Bus driver. one hundred black guys? Welfare Agent. five hundred black guys? Warden. five million black guys? Afrikaner What do you call a black guy surrounded by: two white guys? Minority. four white guys? Caddy. twelve white guys? Defendant. thirty white guys? Waiter. one hundred white guys? KKK victim. Jesus is up on the cross when Judas comes up and says... Jesus pelase forgive me please... Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my feet'. Judas climbs up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my knees'. Judas climbs further up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my thighs'. Judas climbs further up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my waist'. Judas climbs further up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my chest'. Judas climbs further up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my lips'. Judas climbs further up the cross grunt.. ugh.. hmmmff smack! He looks up and says Now do you forgive me? Jesus says 'Judas my son... Kiss my forehead'. Judas climbs further up the cross is just about to kiss him and Jesus head butts him. "Got you you bastard!!!" I'm so hungry I could eat the back wheel off a menstrual cycle. I was into necrophilia for a while, until some rotten chick split on me. More your mama stuff: Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick Your Mom's like a bowling ball... You can fit three fingers in Always winds up in the gutter Always comes back for more Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows I'LL HIT YOU... I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket back! I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! DUMB... You're so dumb you think socialism means partying! You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican! You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"! You so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill. You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs. Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's. Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice. UGLY... She was so fugly... they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla buiscuits You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road! You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off! You're so ugly if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you for mooning! You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no professionals!" You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends! You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control! You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards! You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother! You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said "Twins!" You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock! She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock! She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face. Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot. Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you. FAT... You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE! You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall! You're so fat if you weighed five more pounds, you could get group insurance! You're so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for it! Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up. Your so fat, that you have to use a matress as a maxi-pad. GENERAL... 'Scuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in your mother's mouth? Your wife said she liked seafood. So I gave her crabs. Are those your tits, or did laurel and hardy leave you thier heads? Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm? If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad! The difference between your mama and a rooster? The rooster says cock-a-doodle doo, your mama says any-cock'll do. I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change. Your so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad. Your like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on. I saved your mother's life today... I killed a shiteating dog on the way over. Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a headlock. Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass. Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo. Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in. They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to use a black light. Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice. Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Your mom's got snakeskin teeth. Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod. Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts. Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator. Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot. Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns. Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK! Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy. Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket. Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters. Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired. Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long she can sleep. Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged. Your Mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch died. Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued" Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Your Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Your Mama's So fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will. Your mama's like a railroad track: She gets laid all over the country. Your mama's like a T.V.: A two year old could turn her on. Your mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out. Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Your mom is like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Your mom is so fat, The back of her neck looks like a six pack of hotdogs. Your mom is so ugly, her tears roll down the back of her head just to avoid her face. Your mom is so big, she uses a VCR as a beeper. Your mom's afro is so big that when she sat in my car it was like instant tint. Your mom is so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Your mom has a pussy on her hip, talkin' about making money on the side. Your mom's teeth are so yellow, that her tounge has to wear sunglasses. Your mom is so fat, that she has to butter her hands to get them in her pocket. Your mom's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock. Your mom is so poor, she has a wooden leg that doesn't fit. Your mom is so strong, she can spit sparks. Your mom is so strong, she can blow bubbles with now-and-laters. Your Mama's Sooooooooooo fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued" nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.