Yeah, right...

This film is actually something of a legend - seen by but a few, talked about by many. It's the favorite fantasy movie of the Knights of the Dinner Table, and our webmaster vaguely remembers seeing it on television years ago, with images of the Vulcan-eared elf and the rapid-fire crossbow being about the only impressions he has left. And it's yet another fantasy flick starring the great Jack Palance, best known for his ominous, breathy delivery and the fact that he did one-arm pushups at the Academy Awards when he was in his 70s.

So now, through the magic of DVD, Hawk the Slayer can at last come back to our living rooms and dens, bringing with it a hint of glories long-gone and the whiff of...

Well, the whiff of utter crap if the truth must be known. Hawk the Slayer was made on a shoestring budget with a crew of British television actors and other unknowns (save Jack Palance, who would probably have acted in a documentary about fruit flies if the price was right), a story so simplistic as to be nonexistent, and special effects that must be seen to be believed. The whole thing has a kind of desperate, sinking-ship quality to it that actually drains joy from the room when it's shown. My understanding is that Hawk the Slayer actually formed part of the tortures that were inflicted on Iraqi POWs at Abu Ghraib prison, and that the U.N. is currently investigating this as a potential war-crime.

The first thing we see is a title card, with voiceover for those who have forgotten how to read (see graphic). Unfortunately, the motion picture that follows miserably fails to live up to the exciting buildup, for it apparently takes place in low-rent fantasy land, where people can't afford to actually live in houses and special effects are created by raiding the local toy store.

Through the night strides a black-robed figure with a very silly helmet that looks like something the Phantom of the Opera would wear. It's none other than veteran actor Jack Palance, at the height of his career, playing the wicked warlord Voltan. To show how evil he is, Voltan dresses all in black, wears the afore-mentioned silly helmet and knifes a guard for no reason. He then strides into a chamber that looks as if it was decorated by a Mafia don, complete with a bubbling purple pool and gilded gold gargoyles. There sits Voltan's father, an inoffensive looking guy who probably never hurt anyone in his life.

Heeeeeeeere's Voltan!

Voltan's not cut of the same cloth, however, and immediately demands that his father give him the "Key to the Ancient Power." He threatens to give him the chop if he doesn't, but as we all know, that never works, and dad refuses.

"The Key to the Ancient Power must never all into the hands of the devil's agent," he replies. Jeez, dad -- that's a pretty cold tone to take with your eldest son, even if he is dressed like a dimestore Darth Vader.

Meanwhile, our hero, Hawk the Slayer, rides to the rescue, then starts pounding on the door. As always in this movie, Hawk proves to be a day late and a dollar short, since Voltan makes a shish-kebab of his father, then flees before Hawk can burst through the door.

A few words about Hawk. He's played by John Terry, who looks something like a young John Cleese, and went on to a fairly successful movie and TV career. I guess his biggest movie role was as Felix Lieter, James Bond's American buddy in The Living Daylights, and he is in the current hit miniseries Into the West, but he's probably best known to American viewers as the alcoholic father of Dr. Jack Shepherd in the series Lost.

This proves that Mr. Terry is no slouch (he moved some viewers to tears in Lost), so I think he can be forgiven for his wooden performance in this monstrosity. I kept expecting him to say something like "I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot and I seek the Holy Grail," but he never does, which is a real pity. In any event, he's as American as Apple Pie, and both he and Voltan stick out like sore thumbs among the crowds of extras and supporting characters who mellifluously spout the King's English.

As this was one of Terry's first roles, he was probably still honing his craft somewhat, and it shows. Hawk doesn't inspire confidence; in fact, I think that Ridley from Dungeons and Dragons could probably spank his ass given the chance, but the world of Hawk the Slayer is filmed on a much lower budget than that other movie, so Hawk is probably safe. He's Voltan's younger brother, by the way, and the guy that Voltan just stabbed is his beloved old dad.

Hawk finds his dying father, and his face is contorted with... Well, it actually isn't contorted at all, since Hawk has only one expression. It doesn't matter whether his father's dying or he's ordering a plate of sausages, he looks exactly the same and speaks with about the same cadence.

The last elfin novelty Easter egg.

Dad doesn't care about this, however, as he loves his boy no matter how wooden an actor he may be.

"The prophecy is fulfilled, my son," he says (what prophecy?? I'm all confused). "The evil I've spawned will now pollute the land."

You know, if this is the way his father talks about him, it's no surprise that Voltan's a little antisocial. How would you feel if your own father told you that you were "the devil's agent" and describes you as "the evil I've spawned." God knows, my father might have talked that way about me, but since I have no idea who he was, I'll never know for certain...

Dad bids Hawk to hurry as "the coldness of death is in my limbs," telling his young non-murdering son to fetch the "elfin mindstone", which looks something like a glowing lump of silly putty (only the first of many toystore-level special effects in this flick). Hawk contemplates the stone, and it magically levitates, floating to the hilt of the nearby magical mindsword, where the hand-shaped pommel opens up, grabs it, then closes again. Presto, Hawk now has the most kickass magical weapon around. It's almost worth dad getting ganked.

(By the way, the pommel of the Mindsword, before it grabs the elfin mindstone, looks for all the world like the "Anal Intruder" device from the movie Top Secret... Probably best not to put too much thought into that, however...)

His work done, Hawk's father dies, and Hawk -- big surprise -- swears vengeance on Voltan. And he's got even more reason to bring the big smack down on his brother, as we learn (in painful detail) later in the flick.

You're a lousy son, Hawk, but right now you're all I've got...

And with this tragic event, we launch into the rousing adventures of Hawk the Slayer! Or at least the credits, which open with a big animated hawk flying straight into the camera lens. Too bad Hawk the Slayer wasn't filmed in 3-D or the whole audience would duck.

Most of the movie takes place in the woods. Hawk's world seems to be a pretty primitive one. Certainly, it's a place where interior shots are very expensive and hard to do, since there appear to be only a handful of actual buildings in the entire world -- including the abbott's castle (a none-too-convincing matte shot) and the nuns' abbey, where all the scenes take place in the main dining hall. Oh yes -- there's also a cave, where the blind sorceress' spinning rings of magic send Hawk to various locations to collect his old companions. I suppose the interior of Voltan's command tent counts as an interior as well, but only barely.

As for the rest of the movie, everything takes place out of doors. Hawk, Voltan and their friends spend a lot of time wandering around in the woods. No one ever goes inside, since there doesn't seem to be anyplace to go. Even the tavern, where later in the film Voltan struts around and chops up bread with his broadsword, seems to be an entirely outdoor establishment. Here, blacksmiths set up shop in the middle of the road without benefit of doors, roofs or walls. Here, the dark lord who threatens the world sits in a small and cramped-looking tent and apparently doesn't actually own any real estate. The whole world looks dank and foggy, and everyone looks as if they're freezing to death.

So, on with the movie. In an interesting twist on normal cinematic structure, the prolog we've just seen is followed by a second prolog, in which an old, grizzled, wounded mercenary type named Ranulf staggers through the forest (yup!) and at last finds refuge in an isolated abbey, where the nuns of the Sisterhood of the Holy Word (and would that holy word be ni, peng or neeeeeeee-wong?) nurse him back to health.

Welcome, good sir knight. Welcome to Castle Anthrax!

And lo and behold both Ranulf (veteran Brit actor William Morgan Shepherd) and the nuns, led by the capable Abbess (Annette Crosby, who provided the voice of Galadriel in the animated Lord of the Rings and played Grannie Weatherwax in the BBC version of Terry Pratchett's Weird Sisters) deliver their lines deftly and professionally, like the experienced thespians they are. The amount of good acting wasted in this film is unbelievable.

Mr. Shepherd is likewise well known for other stuff, including a lot of video game voice acting. He played Major Isaac Trimble in both Gettysburg and the far more boring Gods and Generals, but he may be most beloved by cult TV fans as Blank Reg in the gone-but-not-forgotten cyberpunk series Max Headroom.

Ranulf's recovery proves a struggle, since he's lost his left hand, but he eventually recovers enough to tell the abbess what happened. In his delerium, the abbess says, he "spoke of many things. Some so terrible they passed our understanding." Hm. He must have been talking about the remainder of the movie.

His village, he says, was destroyed by raiders led by "the devil himself." At first, I wondered why his village was so important that the devil actually took time off from his normal duties to destroy it, but then I realized what when he said "the devil himself," Ranulf actually meant "the lamest evil dark warlord in screen history", aka Voltan. And here we thought Voltan was only the devil's agent...

Voltan was forced into the evil overlord business when his audition to replace Michael Crawford as the new Phantom of the Opera ended in disappointment.

Well, right on cue, Voltan shows up, only in this scene he's riding to a creepy-looking cave, where he stands outside, throws his arms wide and does his best impersonation of a singer from Up With People, demanding an audience with the evil wizard who lives in the cave. "You promised me ALL," he declares, "in retuuurn for myyyyyyy.... SWORD ARRRRMMM!"

With an entrée like that the evil wizard (who remains unnamed) lets Voltan in. His wounds are causing him incredible pain, Voltan says. Has the evil wizard got a more effective pain reliever than regular aspirin?

Rather than break into a spiel for new, improved Advil Extra-Strength, the wizard replies that he can't do much for him, as the wound is beyond his ability to heal. He can relieve the pain for a while, he tells him, and then zaps Voltan with a very bad special effect. Which, in this movie, simply means "a special effect."

Well, after this refreshing experience, Voltan is all set to go out and conquer the world. After all, he has a black tunic, a Darth Vader-type helmet that covers one side of his face, a nasty-looking sword, and an army of... Well, maybe fifteen or so guys, but who's counting? So, the diabolical warlord who is known to his foes as the devil himself is apparently short on cash, since his first evil act is to raid the abbey and kidnap the abbess, holding her for a 2,000 gold piece ransom.

A measly 2,000 gp? Hey, I know this movie was made in 1980, when a gold piece went farther, but only 2,000? Voltan, ya gotta think big! Don't kidnap the mother superior from an isolated abbey, which is apparently the only real building for 100 miles or o. Go for some local merchant or his daughter, or a prominent politician. Those guys have the bucks... Nuns don't have two coppers to rub together.

It's only a matte painting...

(Mind you, kidnapping religious officials can work sometimes... I remember the time I kidnapped the high priestess of the local Red Temple and demanded 25,000 crowns. I got it, too. What the temple didn't know is that I'd worked the whole thing out with the high priestess in advance, and we spent the whole time while they raised the money in bed together. Then we split the proceeds and no one was the wiser. At least not until she had me arrested and took my half of the gold as well. Bitch...)

Oh well... Voltan may have been planning to start small and work his way up, eventually kidnapping someone who could come up with more than 2,000 gold pieces. But then we'll never know, since in the end Voltan proves incapable of pulling off even this lowbrow scheme.

Voltan is asssisted in his petty extortion scheme by his son, Drogo, who is a walking, talking argument for birth control. With a father like Voltan, it's no wonder the kid grew up slightly bent, but apparently Voltan didn't even bother to instill Drogo with anything resembling common sense or intelligence. He mostly stalks around spitting at people and trying to win his father's love, which of course is impossible given that his father has about as much love and compassion as a grand inquisitor interrogating a suspected heretic.

So Voltan, Drogo and their inept minions walk off with the Abbess. Poor Ranulf gets worked over again, but survives long enough to ride forth to beg assistance from the high abbottt, who lives on the other side of the misty forest in a big castle that looks like a matte painting.

The abbott, played by another British veteran who's been in every movie ever made, Harry Andrews, can't really give Ranulf much help. End of the year, dontcha know? Lots of paperwork, lots of new monks to train and give their orientation sessions... However, the abbott does know of one person, a mighty warrior who fights for good, who might be able to help.

God, first Deathstalker, now this... I gotta get another agent.

"By what name is this warrior called?" Ranulf asks.

The abbottt pauses dramatically.

"He is called... CONAN THE BARBARIAN!"

No, not really. It's just Hawk the Slayer.

Since Hawk's the only name that the abbott is ready to give up, Ranulf shrugs his shoulders and rides out in search of his champion.

Now, we have our second introduction of Hawk, who rides through picturesque forests, past streams bubbling with dry ice, past an unfortunate reticulated python who seems horribly out of place in the English countryside, over hill, over dale, and toward adventure, while all the while his catchy synthesizer-generated theme song plays in the background. The song sounds vaguely Moody Blues-ish, making me wonder if Justin Hayward or someone was involved in this film under a pseudonym.

Before we can go back and check the credits, however, Hawk's attention is riveted by a scream and the harsh laughter of a couple of yokels, who have captured an unfortunate woman and are going to burn her as a witch.

"How do you know she's a witch?" Hawk asks.

"She turned me into a newt," says one of the yokels. "It got better."

Sorry, sorry... Monty Python keeps creeping into this thing. Probably because of that snake...

Mammy!

Actually, they claim that she cast a spell on one of his hogs, but she claims she was only trying to help. The yokel starts to set the fire alight, but Hawk stops him. Personally, I'd have believed the woman too, since she's much better looking than the yokels.

So the fight begins, and is over just about as quickly, since Hawk has a kickass magic weapon, and the bumpkins only have a crappy bow and a rusty sword. The bow guy proves to be the sensible one -- he runs, while the second dares to cross swords with our hero. To Hawk's credit, he gives him every chance, and only wastes him when he tries to stab Hawk in the back. Hawk rescues the witch-woman, who takes him to her cave and...

Well, if this were a Conan flick we'd know "and what," but there's no hint of sex in this entire movie. Instead, she reads Hawk's future, telling him to go find Ranulf, who's gotten himself into another bind. Hawk agrees, and takes off, riding through the forest in slow motion to music that sounds as if it was lifted from Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds.

Poor Ranulf is indeed in trouble. He's been waylaid by bandits, who tie him to a tree and are about to use him for target practice when Hawk shows up and -- you guessed it -- scrags the bandits, then sets Ranulf free. I don't know how Hawk gets there so fast, since every time he rides his horse he does it in slow motion, but he does manage the task in the end.

So far as a warrior, Hawk has no peer. Maybe it's because his foes are confused and think his sword is an Anal Intruder or something. In any event, the Mindsword seems like a pretty butch weapon, since he can actually throw the damned thing and hit people with it.

The shortage of buildings in the Hawk universe seriously affected the tavern industry, and forced all patrons to drink and dine outside, regardless of the weather.

Ranulf tells Hawk that he's been looking for him, and the two join forces, determined to rid the world of the evil of Voltan. Perhaps "evil" is too strong a word to use regarding Voltan, however... "Annoyance" might be better. Whatever, they agree to take Voltan down and we're off to the races.

"Innkeeper!" bellows Voltan, striding up to what must be the strangest inn/tavern in all the realms of fantasy. Like most other locations in this movie, it's entirely out of doors. I stayed at an outdoor inn once. I called it "camping."

So the innkeeper comes bustling up to see to Voltan's needs. It's none other than Roy Kinnear, a familiar face to fans of old British comedies. He always played the overweight, bumbling, slightly confused comic relief, such as Verucca Salt's father in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. He gained considerable notoriety playing Planchet in Richard Lester's The Three and Four Musketeers, and quite tragically died in an accident during the filming of the sequel, The Return of theMusketeers.

The babbling innkeeper is no fool, and tells Voltan that a one-armed man is looking for him. And as this is not an episode of The Fugitive, this is all that Voltan needs. Unfortunately, as he turns around and is about to leave, Drogo sticks his nose in and screws everything up completely. Get used to it.

"Animals!" Drogo snarls at the two tattered mercenaries who are busily chowing down at a nearby outdoor table. "When you are in the presence of Voltan, you do not continue to eat! Nor do you sit on your greasy backside!"

Voltan's expression says, "Hey, kid, I'm the dark lord here. Don't do me any favors," but since Drogo's opened the door, Voltan feels he has no choice but to walk through it.

Hawk and his girlfriend in happier days. This scene made me sad, cuz she kinda looks like this chick I really liked, who told me she just wanted to be friends right after we went to the Van Halen concert, and then I went out and got drunk and crashed my GTO. Total bummer, man.

The bald mercenary speaks up, even though his companion looks as if he wants to keep mouthing "Shut up! SHUT UP!", saying that he rises for no man, since he's a proud slaver of the River Shale and doesn't like other people ordering him around.

Voltan's somewhat impressed, since he turns around and slams the flat of his sword down on the table. He likes a man with spirit, he declares. Then, to show just how much he really likes them, he kills the quiet guy, and then has the bald guy's tongue cut out.

Gods... How does Voltan treat you if he doesn't like you?

Hawk and Ranulf discuss the ramifications of going after Voltan. There really isn't much to discuss, since it's obvious that a pack of Cub Scouts armed only with Girl Scout cookies could take Voltan and Drogo down with relative ease. Voltan might have a chance if the Cub Scouts' hands were tied behind their backs and they were covered with bees, but otherwise he wouldn't last five minutes.

Ranulf asks if Hawk's ever crossed swords with Voltan before. Funny he should mention that, because the focus then gets all soft and blurry and suddenly we're in a flashback.

Hawk and his snuggle muffin Eliane have slipped away from their wedding festival to snog in the bushes, but their intimate moment is interrupted by the appearance of Voltan, who strides out of the hedges, his black Darth Vader helmet clasped under his arm. We assume that it doesn't have the part that hides half his face, since he looks like Jack Palance in all his unscarred glory.

Voltan's the whiney, petulant type, since the first thing he does is complain about how this is supposed to be his wedding day, and he's supposed to be marrying princess Eliane. Well, that's a stroke of luck, since Hawk is marrying Princess Lucky...

Well, no, not really... He's marrying Eliane, and Voltan is fit to be tied. He feels that since he's been in a lot more movies than Hawk, he deserves a shot at her, and when she insists that she actually prefers Hawk, she shows that she doesn't have a lot of faith in Jack Palance's acting skills.

"While I fought alongside our father, you were here," Voltan insists, "turning her love for me to hate with your silver tongue."

(Okay, Voltan, that's waaay too much information...)

You have a lovely face, Voltan, but some hideous scar tissue would look great right about... here.

"You were a friend," Eliane tells the distraught Volotan, "nothing more. I love your brother as he loves me. Can you not find happiness in your heart for our marriage?"

Ouch! Two-point burn. Voltan's reaction to this, however understandable, is just a little bit out of line. He stalks off, growling "You were mine once, and will be again! Take care, little brother... watch for me in the night" while a samisan plays ominiously.

"He has changed," Eliane says. "His mind has turned in on itself."

Well that's how some guys react when you sleep with them, then pull the "we're just friends" crap, so you really shouldn't be all that surprised, princess...

Back to the present, as Ranulf practices with his rapid-fire crossbow.

An analysis of the film's visual effects is probably overdue by now. Some B-films are truly impressive. They overcome their limited budget with clever camera tricks and inexpensive effects that rival those seen in far more expensive movies. Unfortunately, Hawk the Slayer is not one of those films. Spell effects are depicted through the use of various toy items, including silly string and glowing silly putty. While this is bad, it's nothing compared to how the deadly missile weapons of Ranulf and Crow the elf (see below) are portrayed.

Ranulf carries the world's first self-loading, self-cocking crossbow, a device unrivaled until its reappearance in that king of bad monster movies, Van Helsing. Only in this case, the dramatic effect of multiple crossbow shots is accomplished by loading the crossbow, shooting it, then stopping the film, cocking and reloading the crossbow, then starting the film again. Repeat this process five or six times and you've got one very silly-looking weapon.

What the hell IS that thing, anyway?

Crow's mighty longbow is depicted in similar fashion. Remember that cool scene in Fellowship of the Ring where Legolas is pulling arrow after arrow after arrow out of his quiver and rapid-firing them, taking down orc after orc?

Well, this is nothing like that scene.

Once more, the filmmakers use the old stop-the-film and reload technique, so that Crow never actually releases his bow. You see a drawn bow with an arrow loaded, then suddenly the arrow disappears and another takes its place, and another and another and another. Then, inexplicably, all of Crow's enemies fall over, white-feathered arrows sprouting from their chests and necks.

When Ranulf is finished showering innocent trees with crossbow bolts, Hawk suggests that it's time to get going. There is one who can help them in their quest, but the way to him lies (for some reason) through the Forest of Wier. The surest route, he tells Ranulf, is often the most dangerous. Now try to make sense of that statement if you can.

They ride to a cheap-looking stone archway, through which, Hawk says, the forest will be dark as night, but the power of the Mindsword will light their way. They ride through the gate and -- gasp! -- disappear! Suddenly, they're transported into a strange and eerie landscape lit with green stage lights and hung with Halloween-style cobwebs. In the distance we hear screaming (possibly one of the actors killing the casting director), while Hawk tells Ranulf of the allies he plans to recruit -- Gort, a giant from the mountains at the edge of the world; Crow, an elfin bowman from the Silver Forest "now burnt and blackened" (you mean the poor elf is burnt and blackened? Poor guy...) and a baldin' dwarf from the Iron Hills...

Hawk the Slayer is the target in a deadly game of ring-toss.

No, wait. I misunderstood. Hawk actually says "Baldin, a dwarf from the Iron Hills" (obviously not to be confused with Dain of the Iron Hills from Tolkien, huh?). It's an easy mistake to make.

The conversation is interrupted by some shots of evil creatures that resemble muppets drenched in Ultraslime. Hawk observes that the neighborhood has changed and urges Ranulf to run. They gallop safely from the forest none the worse for wear, leaving us to wonder why the place was so threatening in the first place.

Hawk and the R-man return to the wizardess' cave, and she casts a spell that conjures a couple of ring-type thingies that spin around Hawk like an advertising display at a used car dealership. This spell, she says, will transport Hawk to his allies and, if they prove willing to join up, transport them back to the cave. That's damned convenient, if you ask me...

First, Hawk is transported to go find Gort the giant. The giant doesn't waste any time, but shows up in the next scene, swilling beer and then fixing a whiney merchant's broken-down wagon in exchange for booze and money. The poor giant has certainly come down in the world, being reduced to such sad menial labor.

When the merchant welshes on the deal, however, Ranulf re-breaks the wagon and leaves the sniveling bastard demanding justice from a group of armored mercenaries who just happen to be huddled around a campfire nearby. Even though they saw the whole thing (and Gort is obviously in the right), they're obviously a bunch of antigiantites, and tell Gort to clean up the mess.

Gort the Giant... He was always picked on by the other giants due to his short stature.

You probably know where the rest of the scene is going... Gort refuses, tells them where to stick it, the mercenaries attack and, well... They kill him and put his head on a pike as a warning to others.

Oh, hell no! What kind of a bad S&S movie would this be if that happened? Of course, Gort beats the living crap out of the mercs and then, as he's about to give the same treatment to the sniveling merchant, Hawk shows up and beckons.

Now if that had happened to me -- one of my old adventuring buddies appearing out of the mist, beckoning to me -- I'd run rapidly in the other direction. Not so Gort, who spares the sniveling merchant ("Consider this the luckiest day of your life, toad") and goes with Hawk.

The two exchange a meaningful glance, vanish in to the mists, and are transported back to the wizardess' cave.

"Next," she whispers, "the elf."

Cut to, yes a misty forest scene, where a blacksmith pounds away on a set of arrowheads, then brings them to a mysterious, robed figure, who sits atop a log, stringing his longbow.

Okay, here we go again... No buildings. This blacksmith apparently set up shop in the middle of the woods. Don't bother with a forge, water bath or any other accoutrements of a good blacksmith. Just put your anvil down any old place and start pounding. It all goes to show that if you're going to be a successful fantasy businessman, you should make sure you're in a movie where they can afford at least occasional interior shots.

This film is... highly illogical.

The robed figure is observed by two more english-accented extras, who agree that he is a strange individual indeed. Of course, they're plotting to scam him and steal his gold, and persuade the blacksmith to pack up his wares and leave, while they focus on the robed guy who is now fitting the new points on his white-shafted arrows.

"Might I inquire if you are bound for the tournament at Brackley?" asks the bumbling, pudgy guy. "Permit me to introduce ourselves. This is Ralph of Coggerthall (at least that's what it sounds like he says), master bowman, and I am his humble companion, Fitzwalter."

Ralph and Fitzwalter. Two names sure to fill everyone with confidence.

"To whom have I the pleasure of speaking?" Fitz asks, causing the robed figure to lower its hood, revealing a somewhat Spock-like elf.

"Crow," the elf replies. No relation to that gold robot-guy on MST3K, hopefully...

Crow is, by the way, a barrel of laughs. He's probably supposed to be distant and grim, troubled by the passing of his race, and eager for the sweet release that only death will bring, but he delivers his dialog like a Cylon warrior who's taken too much Nyquil.

Eventually, of course, Ralph and Fitz manage to persuade Crow to enter into an archery contest.

It's... hard... to keep... holding this... arrow here... until we... finish... the shot... Arrrrgh...

"He wastes... his time... and mine," Crow replies, to which Ralph replies by shooting an arrow at his feet.

With a challenge like that on the table, Crow accepts and the two set up for the big ol' shooting contest. Unfortunately for Crow, Fitz's job is actually to sneak up behind challengers and slit their throats, which is about to do to Crow (shouldn't he have bonuses to Spot and Listen rolls because he's an elf?) when Hawk predictably shows up and interrupts their fun.

Hawk urges that the contest continue and, of course, Crows kicks Ralph's ass and takes the gold. Ralph doesn't like this and again challenges Crow. No fool, Crow has seen what a putz Ralph is, and agrees; Fitz counts them down from three, Ralph draws his arrow and...

So after Crow has killed Ralph, he walks off into the mist with Hawk, returning to the cave of the spinning novelty rings.

"One more and we are complete," the wizardess says. "The table of five. The dwarf."

The what? The Table of Five? What the hell does that mean?

Oh well, she casts the spell and hawk vanishes in to colored smoke yet again, to go and find his friend the dwarf.

The dwarf. Ah, the dwarf. After suffering through Bakshi's LotR and Dungeons and Dragons, I didn't think that movie dwarves could sink any lower. If it hadn't been for the portrayal of Gimli in the Jackson LotR I might have thought that dwarves were all six feet tall and wore helmets with horns on them. To give Hawk credit, the dwarf in this film is, indeed, much shorter than the other characters. He's also much skinnier and frailer, which goes pretty much against the grain of how fantasy dwarves are supposed to be portrayed. Baldin is slender, delicate, mischievous, eats a lot and enjoys a good practical joke. In short, he's not really a dwarf, he's a goddamn halfling, a race that we don't have back home on Thystra. I suppose you could also make the argument that he's really a gnome, but I've always had a hard time telling gnomes and halflings apart anyway.

These priests find the dwarf almost as annoying as we do...

But no, in the script he is Baldin, dwarf of the Iron Hills (obviously a cousin of those dwarves in The Hobbit). He laughs, he prances, he plays pranks on the giant, he eats raw fish, and he's obviously intended to be the comic relief. Well, unlike Snails in Dungeons and Dragons, this comic relief is not odious, and is occasionally actually funny, so I'm willing to forgive the filmmakers their clear violations of dwarven tradition.

Baldin starts off the movie in trouble. He's tied to a raft, while on the shore, a bunch of white-robed priestly types armed with bows and flaming arrows chant, "Hose-a-me! Hose-a-me!" which probably means "Get ready for dwarf flambe," as they are preparing to shoot him with the flaming arrows and allow his ashes to join with the holy waters of the lake.

This strikes me as a cermony of somewhat dubious merit, as I really wouldn't want Baldin's ashes anywhere near anything I considered sacred. What they probably heard is that dwarves take half damage from fire, and so assumed that this meant dwarves actually burn twice as long. In any event, before they can put their theories into action, Hawk shows up and dissuades them from playing Baldin barbeque.

Baldin frees himself and swims for shore while Hawk argues religion with the priests. He offers that his predicament is because of a tavern brawl, in which he got koshed on the head by a salty wench and woke up to find himself here. He then catches a fish with his whip (where'd he get that thing?) -- yes, with a whip -- and proceeds to eat it, in the words of Gollum, raw and wriggling. Are you sure this guy isn't a halfling in disguise?

Apparently Hawk feels that raw fish consumption is a necessary attribute among his boon companions, and so carries Baldin back to the cave of the spinning ring thingies.

God, please don't do what I think you're going to do with that fish...

Okay, so we've finally gotten the old gang together, and Hawk tells them that they've got a heavy task ahead. The others lament that the old days are gone forever, so if they die, what the hell? They decide to raise the 2,000 gp that Voltan is demanding by stealing it from the slavers down the River Shale. Hawk says that even if they do manage to get the ducats, he has reason to distrust Voltan, triggering another flashback to happier days. No big deal -- just Hawk and Eliane wandering through the garden, when all of a sudden Voltan shows up, pointing a crossbow at them. Then, back to Hawk.

"Tomorrow at first light, we ride for the church at Caddenbury," he says grimly. Now, it sounds like he says "Cadbury," which would probably interest the dwarf, since if that were the case, there would probably be chocolate.

As the stirring Hawk disco anthem plays, the five companions ride for the aforementioned church of chocolate. There's some comic relief here, too, as the human/elf contingent ride fine chargers, while the dwarf bumbles along on a donkey. Yuk, yuk. No self-respecting dwarf I know would ever even ride a donkey. King Ulrak the Spherical tried to breed special "battle-sheep" as riding beasts, given that simply walking up stairs tired him out.The creatures were indeed fearsome, but when they were first used in battle, they stopped and, despite their riders' best efforts, began grazing in a meadow only a few paces from ferocious goblin wolf-cavalry. The goblins feasted on mutton that night, I understand.

So the companions arrive to the enthusiastic welcome of the nuns, who are now under the tentative management of the abbess' lieutenant, Sister Monica. She figures that the Abbess is as good as home, since of course Hawk is going to get the gold, and presto!

Not so fast, Hawk says. "I know Voltan as well as I know myself." Oh god... another flashback.

After menacing Hawk and Eliane, Voltan holds the princess by the hair and has pinned Hawk to a tree wth a crossbow bolt.

Take that, you mean ol' evil warlord!

"Nyahaha!" he laughs. "The next one will send you to hell, little brother! What sweet revenge to tell our whining, geese loving father of your death!" (Actually, I think he meant "peace loving," but Jack's enunciation is a little unclear). "Then he will heed my bidding!" He yanks Eliane to her feet. "LOOK WEEEELLLLL, LITTLE BROTHER! The last thing you will see is the woman you love IN MYYYYY ARMS!"

Okay, okay. For overacting, he's no Jeremy Irons, but come on. The guy has taken gloating to a whole new level. In addition, Voltan still hasn't checked out his Evil Overlord Handbook, since he hasn't just killed Hawk, but stopped to taunt him before the end. It proves Voltan's undoing, as expected.

"I will still be his!" Eliane hisses, engaging in a little over-the-top acting of her own. "For I would rather be dead than have your snake hands touch me!" (News flash, Eliane -- snakes don't have hands!) "I loooathe each breath that keeps you alive!"

"ARRRRRRGH!" Voltan replies, pushing her to the ground, fitting a bolt to his crossbow. As he tries to take aim at Hawk, the reflection from his necklace (which, of course, Eliane had given him) temporarily blinds the would-be fratricide, allowing Eliane to grab a burning brand from a nearby campfire (since people rarely go indoors, there are lots of those in this movie) and jam it into Voltan's arrogant, snarling face.

"ArrrrrrrrrrgggaaaaaaaaaahhhhhOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Voltan replies, falling, writhing to the ground. What a total wuss. I've known orc warlords who have taken flaming arrows right in the eye -- hell, right in both eyes -- and gone right on fighting. This is apparently the wound that caused Voltan to don the Vader-helmet and that the wizard says he can't heal. It honestly doesn't look all that bad -- at worst it would have left him with a nice, dashing scar that he could have used as a conversation-starter at parties -- "See this scar? My girlfriend gave it to me with a torch when I was trying to kill her husband. And oh, yeah -- did I mention that her husband was also my little brother?" He'd be the hit of every evil overlord get-together.

Does this guy even need a funny caption?

Voltan continues to writhe and scream melodramatically -- "AHHHHHHH! OOOOOOOOOHHHH!" -- as Eliane runs over, frees Hawk and they both run toward a convenient nearby boat. (Hell, this camp has frickin' everything!) Voltan's not going to let this offense slip by without comment, so he grabs his crossbow and nails Elaine right between the shoulderblades. Not good.

Back at the abbey, Hawk tries to tell the naive nuns that Voltan has no intention of returning the abbess even if he gets his paltry 2,000 gp. He bids the nuns serve food to his companions, triggering one of the silliest scenes in the flick, in which Baldin attempts to convince the thick-skulled Gort that the fat juicy chicken he's about to chow on is, in fact "holy food." Concerned, the giant demands to know what "holy food" is, to which Baldin replies that "holy food has a flavor that some find... not to their liking" so, of course, Gort lets Baldin eat it. A real yuk-fest, this flick is...

The next day, the slavers are lounging around by the River Shale, and are led by "The Hunchback" (who doesn't really seem to have much of a hunch), one of the more disgusting characters in modern fantasy cinema. He's busy swilling beer, then taking bites of food and shouting at his underlings so that the resulting foul slurry of food and ale sloshes out of his mouth and all over his tunic. For this alone, I think the guy should be killed, let alone the whole "slaver" thing.

The slaves are a sorry lot, by the way. If this movie starred Deathstalker or Conan, I'll warrant that you'd know for damned sure what kind of slaves he'd be selling, but unfortunately there's not a nubile, half-naked babe in the lot, just a bunch of pasty-skinned English guys in loincloths. The Hunchback shows his customers the wares, and sings their praises as from the nearby thicket, Hawk and his crew watch.

After letting the Hunchback do his spiel, Hawk shows up (with his characteristic musical intro) and mildly suggests that the slavers hand over their gold. The Hunchback, wielding a morningstar with a head the size of a basketball, predictably refuses, and suddenly it's go-time. Crow and Ranulf's rapid-fire weapons, combined with the dwarf's whip chop every slayer but Hunchboy down in the space of exactly 14 seconds (I timed it), and next thing we know the tables are turned and the repulsive Hunchback is the prisoner.

Just another average family evening in the Voltan home.

Hawk orders the two would-be buyers to set the slaves free, and in a twinkling, the near-naked, pale, starved men are free to wander in the cold, foggy, forested wilderness. Hawk even throws them a bag of coins. What a guy!

Gort goes on to prove that he's not really a very friendly giant, as he stakes the Hunchback to the ground, then suspends the oversized morningstar over his head, tied to a rope, with the other end of the rope held in the Hunchback's mouth.

"Now, I advise you to stay silent!" he says. "One word from that foul mouth of yours and..." He turns away, shaking a bag of gold at the unfortunate slaver. "Our thanks, brother, for the bountiful gifts you have bestowed upon us."

Needless to say, the Hunchback doesn't stay quiet, but immediately screams and, presumably, gets his head pulped for his trouble.

Gort wastes no tears on our dearly departed Hunchback. "Some people can never keep their mouths shut," he says, and off they go, laughing merrily, having just murdered about a dozen people and stolen their gold.

Now, we're treated to a tender scene between Voltan and Drogo. Voltan's son is restless. He wants Voltan to let him raid the northern lords "and send cold fear into their hearts."

Apparently Voltan isn't giving his son enough to do. "My blood is forever on the move!" Drogo whines. "It needs excitement!"

Voltan Industries' newest product, Nun in a Cage, met with a lukewarm response from consumers.

Voltan's response is the same as any good father's when his son asks for greater responsibility and challenges. He throttles Drogo and slams him down onto the table.

"If I were to press one more inch," he snarls (Voltan never just says anything), "your backbone would snap like rotton wood." (Yes, it's true... Drogo has a weak spine... big surprise). "Is this not excitement? Is not the fine choice between living and dying more than enough TO MAKE YOUR HEART'S BLOOD RACE THROUGH YOUR VEINS?????????"

Jeez, dad, all I wanted to do was go raid the northern lords. Don't have a freakin' cow about it...

"We will talk of this no more," Voltan continues, releasing his hold on Drogo. "My face pains me."

Well your face pains us all, Voltan, but you don't see us trying to snap your spine for it. Drogo starts to draw his dagger, but when Voltan taunts him some more, he puts it away and runs out of the tent, weeping and whining.

Over in the corner, the abbess crouches in a cage, watching the whole scene. She offers to heal Voltan's face, but Voltan tells her that ther is no cure and limps out, leaving her to reflect that if this is normal family life, the whole "vow of celibacy" thing is probably a pretty good idea.

Drogo doesn't deal well with his father's rebuke. He needs to remind himself that Voltan was actually displacing his own self-loathing and guilt over the death of Eliane, and actually, deep down, truly loves his son. This is all lost on Drogo, as modern self-help books and the Doctor Phil show are far in the future, and in another entirely different universe anyway.

My dad doesn't love me, so I'm lashing out at the world.

To vent his frustration, Drogo chases down a poor unfortunate slaver, who apparently escaped from the massacre at the River Shale. Drogo blusters and threatens, since he has an emotional urge to dominate those weaker than himself because of the lack of affection from his father. The slaver, attempting to save his own life, tells Drogo that Hawk and company stole all their gold. Suddenly, Drogo sees a chance to win approval in his father's eyes, and decides that he'll go get both Hawk and the gold.

"...And then," Drogo says, contemplatively, "Voltan will see who is Lord of the Dance."

Well, presumably, Voltan already knows about Michael Flatley and Riverdance, but Drogo doesn't think of this obvious joke, and instead knifes the helpful slaver in the belly, for no reason than to demonstrate the depth of his evilness. Or is is "evility"?

"Today," he says to himself, "is the day that Drogo comes of age, my father!"

So, while Voltan is off at the wizard's cave getting his weekly fix of healing magic, Drogo leads his band of bunglers to the abbey, but not before Baldin torments Gort some more, claiming that the nuts he's eating are actually "sugared turkels," or lizard's eyeballs. Of course the big oaf falls for it. More yuks, courtesy of our halflling-cum-dwarf.

Drogo and the laughable brigade kick down the abbey's doors, and Drogo demands the gold. The music that precedes this confrontation sounds like something from a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western, but what follows is nowhere near that exciting.

"The gold will be given when the abbess is released," Hawk tells him. "Tell Voltan that it is here, waiting."

Who, me? What'd I do? Jeez, boss, all I did was bring your son's body back and... aaaackkkkk....

"I did not make myself clear," Drogo drools, while in the background his men look somewhat apprehensive ("Jesus, Drogo! That's Hawk! He's got an elf, man! An elf!") "I came for the gold. I am no messenger. But will give you a message." Drogo pauses here, apparently waiting to deliver an extremely pithy and threatening rejoinder. In the end, all he can come up with is: "A message of DEATH!" before wading in to receive yet another savage beatdown at the hands of Hawk and his companions.

In the one-sided fight that follows, the dwarf whips it, the giant brings down the hammer, Hawk gives 'em cold steel, and Ranulf and the elf use their multi-shot-bad-sfx-equipped missile weapons to plow down the survivors. These guys are a little tougher than the slavers -- they take a full 17 seconds to massacre. In the swirling, seconds-long melee, Drogo suffers from acute heavy metal poisoning as a result of Hawk's sword slicing through his midsection, and he's heading for the last roundup. Hawk (who didn't even break a sweat) spares two thugs and tells them to take Drogo's soon-to-be carcass back to Voltan.

Voltan does not take the delivery of the dying Drogo well. He loved his son, you see -- he just never learned how to show real affection. All those times he was threatening to snap his son's spine like a rotten branch, he was actually saying "I love you. Let's go play catch." In the end, Voltan probably blames all his problems on being dumped by that blonde bitch in favor of his younger brother.

"I wanted... to prove myself... Hawk..." Drogo gasps with his last few breaths.

Voltan's grief is temporarily forgotten. "Hawk????" he demands. "Where?"

"He helps the nuns. The gold... is in the church... I tried..." And at last Drogo dies, a disappointment to the end.

Voltan reacts like Ridley losing Snails. Or, I suppose, Darth Vader losing Amadala.

"Drogoooooooooooooooo!" he cries, then turns on the two surviving minions who brought Drogo back. "My son lies dead! And yet you live!"

Cripes, boss, excuse us for living...

"Give them weapons!" Voltan commands. "It is fitting that my son dies with dogs at his feet!"

Promise me... You won't ever... let anyone wear... my Van Halen tour jacket...

Yup, Voltan is yet another would-be evil overlord who just doesn't understand good management skills. You don't have your men fight to the death for having the courtesy to bring your son's corpse into camp. It's far more sensible to make them fight to be your new number two minion, but the whole point is lost on Voltan, who just wants more blood.

The two mooks decide that this is the best deal they're going to get, and start to fight, then Voltan screws a bad personnel management situation up even more by knifing the pudgier one in the gut. The second sees which way the wind is blowing and tries to flee. He gets about six steps before he finds Voltan's spear projecting from his kidney.

That night Voltan sets his son's corpse on fire, the rides to the abbey to tell Hawk that he's in deep crapola.

"I know you hide the one called Hawk behind your walls," he says. "Hear me! And hear me well!"

(Actually Hawk isn't hiding, he's waiting for Voltan to show up so he can bitch slap his ugly face a few times, but once more Voltan only sees things from his own limited perspective.)

Tomorrow, Voltan says, he will return for both the gold and Hawk.

"Or you shall have your lady back with her innards tied around her scrawny neck," Voltan continues (gross, dude... That's not an image I want stuck in my head), "and this place shall be wiped... from the face... OF THE LAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDDD!"

Voltan then rides off, having proved himself to be the Jeremy Irons-as-Profion of the early 1980s. Sister Monica isn't happy at this, and now blames Hawk for killing Voltan's son. Of course, if Hawk hadn't killed Drogo, he'd have taken the gold and the abbess would still be locked up, but I suppose that's nit-picking.

Hawk looks thoughtful and serious -- well, he actually looks the way he always looks because he has only one expression, but you get the idea. Time for another flashback... Eliane is in Hawk's arms, dying. She says the usual I'm-dying-now-my-love crap and expires, and we're back with Hawk in the abbey. No more flashbacks! Hurray!

Voltan's camp, and his invicible horde. All three of them.

The companions decide that it's time to turn the tables. Hawk notes that they are few and that Voltan has many men. Gort suggests that they even the odds, and Crow is dispatched to go find the wizardess. She returns and agrees to conjure a mist to cover their attack This tactic, which worked so well in Excalibur, is less successful for Hawk, but then this movie has a much lower budget.

A quick shot of Voltan's camp reveals that he does not actually have "many men" -- only three are in fact visible, and one of those is sleeping. In addition to these three men he has a grand total of three tents (one for each, presumably). Drogo's abortive raid on the abbey appears to have majorly depleted Voltan's reserves. And the fact that Voltan killed the only two survivors doesn't help matters one bit.

The companions arrive, ready for their grand assault. Crow leaps dramatically into the trees, by simple dint of leaping backwards out of the tree while the companions remain stock still, then running the film in reverse. I've seen that shot in so many Kung Fu movies it's not even funny anymore.

The sorceress conjures her mist by whipping out two more glowing novelty easter eggs and crushing them. Fog rolls from the shattered eggs and the companions attack!

The two guys who aren't sleeping are the first to die, victims of Crow's rapid-shot elven bow. Suddenly Voltan seems to have more men -- the three tents appear to use some kind of clown car technology, hiding dozens of men where they should only hide another five or six. Perhaps Voltan commands clown magic in addition to his other fearsome powers...

This is a somewhat better fight scene than we've had so far. Crow bounces, apparently on spring shoes, whipping arrows into people, Gort splatters people with his hammer ("splatters" is a bit too strong -- for all the people who perish in Hawk, there's hardly any blood), Ranulf uses his rapidshot crossbow and Hawk goes sick-ass on Voltan's men with the Mindsword.

Voltan and his men prove that they're not entirely without a sense of humor.

I make the body count for this fight to be about 30, though I'm not sure how accurate that is, since we see the same guy die several times over. As we never see the dwarf fight until the very end, we can safely assume that he's discovered Voltan's provisions tent and spends the whole battle stuffing his face. In any event, Hawk and Ranulf fight their way to Voltan's command tent, only to find the big V holding a knife to the abbess' throat. Realizing that getting the abbess killed will kind of defeat the whole purpose of the attack, Hawk reluctantly withdraws to the relative safety of the abbey, leaving Voltan to lick his wounds and rebuild his army of dozens.

Sister Monica isn't too happy at the prospect of more bloodshed and so sneaks off to find Voltan and offer to let him into the abbey. The abbess, who's still sitting in her cage, tells her to shut her stupid, whorish face and let Hawk do the job he was hired for, but to no avail. Monica betrays Hawk and Voltan prepares to take revenge.

Back at the abbey, Hawk and Crow (too bad no other characters have "bird" names, huh?) reflect on the decline of the elvish race. When he goes to join them, Crow says, his race will be forgotten.

"Your race," Hawk says, "will never be forgotten. This I know. They shall live on -- in the pages of great fantasy novels like The Lord of the Rings, and in crappy fantasy novels like The Sword of Shanarra, the Dragonlance books and that stupid Iron Tower trilogy. Their names shall echo through the halls of the mighty, as they seek glory in role playing games such as Dungeons and Dragons, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Red Box Basic D&D, Third Edition Dungeons and Dragons, Dungeons and Dragons Edition 3.5, GURPS, Tunnels and Trolls, Rolemaster, Palladium Roleplaying and The World of Sinnabar! And they shall don cybergear and battle high-tech foes in Shadowrun, or fly to the stars in Spelljammer and Warhammer 40k. They will be immortalized through the magic of motion pictures and digital television -- in The Lord of the Rings, which shall be made not once but twice -- once great and once unbelievably gay. In Record of Lodoss War, in which they shall have enormous and dangerous-looking ears. In Dungeons and Dragons the Movie, where they will be represented by a skinny black chick in a stupid-looking breastplate, and -- dare I say it -- in that greatest of all fantasy epics, the tale called Hawk the Slayer. No, Crow. Your race shall live on -- they shall live on in the dreams and aspirations of 40-year-old virgins, adolescent geeks, pretentious game designers and bad fantasy novelists until the end of time! This I know, for I am Hawk. Hawk the Slayer."

Feel the power of my Silly String, foolish mortal!

At this, Crow attempts suicide, but Hawk stops him because the movie's almost over anyway.

Later on, Sister Monica's plan bears fruit, as the companions' food and drink were drugged. They awaken to find themselves -- gasp! -- in the clutches of the evil Voltan and his few surviving mooks. Voltan thanks Monica for her assistance, and then, in classic evil overlord fashion, casually kills her. Exit Sister Monica. TO HELL!

Now that Hawk is safely tied up, Voltan takes some time to gloat and tell Hawk how slow and painful his death will be. He's pretty much pissed off about everything -- Eliane, the scarred face, Drogo... There's just no keeping Voltan happy. He goes so far as to admit that no woman would look upon him due to his face, forcing him to "take another man's child as my own." This probably explains Voltan's whole love/hate relationship with Drogo, by the way.

Voltan then goes and needles all the other companions -- the elf will get his ears trimmed, the giant is so big and bad and got taken out by a pinch of powder, Ranulf is just big pussy, etc., etc. Voltan proves quite glib when he's taunting helpless foes.

The full measure of Voltan's biting wit is reserved for Baldin, however.

"The dwarf!" Voltan sneers, and for some reason all his men laugh. Maybe they don't want to be killed for failing to laugh at their boss' jokes. Or perhaps they feel that dwarves are inherently funny -- I always did myself. "You should never have been allowed... To dig youself OUT OF THE EARTH!"

Snaaaaaaaiiiiillllllsssss!!!

Now here, I have to admit Voltan is making sense. However, it's not all that funny but once more Voltan's minions roll with laughter. Baldin proves himself pretty gutsy, however, for he offers to tell Voltan where the gold is and when the warlord leans in close to hear, Baldin kicks him in the face. And if you've never been kicked in the face by a dwarf, you don't know what pain is.

And of course, Voltan has that nasty facial wound that is causing him so much distress (it didn't look all that bad when Eliane whacked him, but what do we know about medical care in the world of Hawk?). He falls, writhing, and screams for a while, then stabs Baldin and pretty much decides to give up on the whole "torture them until they tell me where the gold is" plan for the moment. He dashes off to his wizard friend, whining like a little punk-ass bitch, giving the companions some time to plan. Well, as it turns out they don't come up with anything, but the wizardess does.

As a single guard paces the main hall, the door slowly opens and what looks like an Amazon blowpipe emerges. The guard proves the limitations of Voltan's recruitment techniques, for instead of raising the alarm and sending the other guards to go kill the intruder, he just stares curioiusly at the blowpipe until, with a report like a shotgun (that should have awakened the whole freaking abbey), it discharges...

A web spell? Improved sleep? A skipping betty fireball?

Hell no! This is Hawk the Slayer, not Willow! The blowpipe spews green silly string all over the unfortunate guard. Yes. Silly string. I'm not making this up. Here's a photo to prove it.

Okay, now this is just getting way too silly...

The sorceress hurries in. "You have need of my help, lord?" she asks Hawk.

Oh, no. We're handling it just fine, thanks... Of course we have need of your help, you dipstick! Get us the hell out of here!

Accommodatingly, the sorceress casts another spell and they all split for the forest, where they lay poor Baldin to rest.

"I die as I want," Baldin whispers before kicking the enchanted bucket full of gold. "Among my friends!" That gets Gort all emotional, of course.

The wizardess prepares a grave for Baldin that is protected from wild beasts. This means that they sprinkle the dwarf's body with glowing red superballs and lay him down under an enormous plexiglass dome. Now that may keep the wild beasts away, but it would sure as hell get my attention. I'd be looting that body in a heartbeat...

Now, at last the final battle looms. The companions prepare for the assault, and the wizardess prepares her awesome magic.

At the abbey, Voltan's about to blow a gasket, and tells the nuns' new leader (this one doesn't even have a name) that if Hawk isn't in his hands by dawn, he'll kill everyone and raze the place to the ground. Like the nuns have ever had any control over Hawk. Right.

Another nun bites the dust... (This joke courtesy of Dale Smith of Aloha, Oregon, USA)

Outside the abbey, Hawk and his surviving party of player characters stand ready for the assault.

"Have no fear," the wizardess says. "My magic powers will not harm you. But just for a short time my magic powers will create a whirlpool of flying firebolts to blind their eyes!"

Now that sounds awesome! They must have been saving their special effects budget for this sequence! That's why all the other spells looked so bad! Now, I'll be we're in for a real treat... A whirlpool of flying firebolts!

And so once more the discharging shotgun sound effect is heard, and a vague, spinning tower of -- well, something -- appears before the abbey gates, then bursts into the main hall...

And about 1,000 glowing superballs are suddently flung into the hall.

Yes. Glowing superballs. The craptastic cavalcade of crappy magic spells continues. A thousand glowing superballs. Ye gods...

The superballs are followed by a storm of fake snow, and our heroes burst into the hall, hacking, slashing and shooting. You know the drill... rapid fire bowshots, hammer time from the giant, ferocious sword slashing from Hawk, and the dwarf nowhere to be found. Things don't go as well for the companions this time, as Ranulf is felled by a thrown axe and Crow is apparently chopped as well, though we don't actually see it. Gort is saved by a self-sacrificing nun who warns him of an attack and then takes the steel herself, and while Gort is lamenting her unecessary death, Voltan koshes him from behind -- he doesn't do anything sensible like chop his head off, of course -- he only bashes the giant with his sword hilt, which makes no sense, but since when did Voltan do anything even vaguely sensible?

As is so often the case, the supporting characters are far more compelling and exciting than the "hero." That's most likely because they're all veteran British character actors who must have worked on Hawk during off-season at the London stage. Given the cheapness of the production, they must have all been working for the price of a pint and an order of fish-n-chips, so I sincerely hope they had a good time doing it.

And then there's Voltan, the chintziest evil dark lord in screen history. He makes Jarek from Deathstalker 2 look like Morgoth. He makes Profion from Dungeons and Dragons look like the Emperor Palpatine. In the final analysis, Voltan is downright sad. His great plan for conquest and mayhem? Kidnapping a nun and holding her for ransom. And the ransom is a measly 2,000 gold pieces. It's so minimal that in order to get it all Hawk has to do is go steal it from the slavers, who keep this paltry sum in their riverboats. If Voltan wanted 2,000 gold pieces so bad, why the hell didn't he go take it from the freakin' slavers? Jeez...

Voltan's army wouldn't stand up to a band of hairdressers armed with barber's scissors. He never seems to have more than a dozen or so men available at any one time, and their main base of operations is a hobo camp deep in the forest. And apparently everyone lives in this forest without benefit of towns or even buildings, besides a big ol' abbey and a drafty cave. Well, I suppose the less said about Voltan the better.

Hawk and his friends aren't much better. As always, the hero is even less interesting than the villain, and John Terry is as bland as Voltan is tacky. His supporting actors are actually pretty skilled, but they're saddled with a meandering plot and unfortunate dialog.

The most severe problem with Hawk, besides the writing, the acting, the effects, the costumes, the props and -- in all likelihood, the catering -- is that it's not at all exciting. In addition, and probably worst of all, it's not that funny either. It has its laughs, certainly, but it isn't unintentionally funny like Deathstalker, it isn't intentionally funny like Deathstalker 2, nor is it goofy-funny like Dungeons and Dragons or even creepy-funny like Bakshi's Lord of the Rings. No, Hawk the Slayer can probably best be described as tragically-funny. As previously noted, there's an air of gloom hanging over the entire production, as if the actors, once they arrived on the set, realized what they'd gotten themselves involved in and simply lost their will to live. Hawk the Slayer has managed to stay in our hearts (and, apparently in those of the Knights of the Dinner Table), but it is, in the end, a dreary and rather depressing film.