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David Nabit: Are you familiar with Dungeons and Dragons?
Angel: Yeah, I've seen a few.
Wesley: You mean the game.
Angel: Oh right, the game.

-- Angel, episode 20, War Zone

Well, it had to happen. I can't be responsible for overseeing this new sword and sorcery movie review site without at last forcing myself to watch the epic motion picture Dungeons and Dragons from screenwriters Topper Lilien and Carroll Cartright (writers of something called Where the Money Is) and director Courtney Solomon (director of, well, nothing). I understand that this film was Solomon's brainchild and pet project, which he acquired the rights to when he was a mere 19 years of age. Given that this was some kind of lifelong quest for him, one wonders why he couldn't have made a better movie. Oh well, we're not here to review good movies, now, are we?

Dungeons and Dragons takes place, we are told during the opening voiceover, in the ancient Empire of Izmer (not to be confused with the town in Turkey), which has long been ruled by the mages, who lord it over the commoners, treating them like slaves. However, change is in the air, for the young Empress Savina wishes all Izmerians to be equal. However, as is always the case in stories like this, there's a small balrog in the ointment, in the form of the mage Profion (they conveniently describe him as "evil" in the V.O. so we don't have to spend any time wondering if he's got any redeeming qualities).

So, after a quick aerial tour through the CGI-generated city, full of towers and canals, we zoom into Profion's sanctum sanctorum, where his minions are busy slaving away on a rod that he plans to use to control dragons. Cue classically-trained, internationally-acclaimed actor Jeremy Irons as Profion. Though Irons is one of the finest thespians ever to tread the boards (he is one of only 14 actors to win an Oscar, an Emmy and a Tony), he nevertheless has a tendency to not only chew scenery but to indeed swallow it down in whole, bloody, twitching chunks while it is still alive. It's usually up to the director to control such tendencies among his actors; unfortunately, Courtney Solomon couldn't control a pack of first graders, let alone a one of the finest (if hammiest) actors in the western world.

Mr. Irons makes his entrance as Profion, and a grand entrance it is. He sweeps down the stairs, arms spread out, face contorted in a look of sadistic glee. This man can overact simply by walking on screen. Get used to it.

Introducing Profion, the man who can overact just by walking down the stairs.

Snarling and grimacing horribly, Profion seizes his new toy with an expression of orgasmic delight while his chief minion and life partner Damodar, looks on. A word or two about Damodar. He's the commander of the Crimson Brigade (every evil city has to have at least one Crimson Brigade), obviously a high-level fighter with a good assortment of feats, and I read somewhere that he's wearing black dragon scale armor. Later on he uses a magic sword, and he manages to sadistically murder or torture half the cast. Why then, does this Hyborian murder machine choose to go about wearing blue lipstick? It's a puzzle to me, but then again, it might simply be because Profion likes him that way.

Profion likes the rod.

Now I know that in other films I've made a lot of gay jokes. I want to reiterate that I've no quarrel or problem with the gay lifestyle. I personally rather like gay people, especially those guys who manage to live double income lifestyles and bring high fashion to the hurly-burly world of the big city. Myself, I always dressed in whatever was available, usually tunics and trousers, or leather armor if I could afford it. Some of those gay gentlemen, lemme tell ya -- they KNOW how to dress. I could learn a thing or two from them myself, but unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) we don't have television back home in Thystra, and have no local equivalent of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

All that aside, this film absolutely shines with homoerotic overtones -- more so even than Deathstalker or Bakshi's Lord of the Rings. Profion, for example... Consider the fact that Jeremy Irons specializes in portraying characters who are conflicted or tormented about their sexuality. Think of Dead Ringers, Damage, M. Butterfly, Lolita... and The Lion King. Especially The Lion King. Hell, the man is a walking mass of sexual ambiguity (actually, there was nothing ambiguous about his character in The Lion King, but that's another discussion). I think that it's in his contract that he has to be sexually conflicted in some fashion in every film he's in. Not that that's a bad thing, either... It's good to specialize, and you don't find too many male actors willing to stretch their own psyches to that extent. You'd never find Sly Stallone or Governor Arnold playing a sexually ambiguous French diplomat who is in love with a Chinese cross-dresser whom he at first thinks is a woman. Nor would you find Tom Cruise lusting after an underage girl and destroying his own life in the process. Mind you, Tom was pretty gay in Interview with the Vampire... Sorry, getting off track again.

Case in point, Profion and Damodar. Now there is a D&S relationship made in heaven. Sure, Damodar's the tough, macho guy, but Profion is so obviously the dominant one it's not even funny. Later on, things actually get pretty hot and heavy between the two of them, but despite being tested, their faith in each other never fails, and in the end they are together again as the world collapses around them. And that's how it should be.

Oh, Damodar, you card...

Damn. I lost track again. Where were we? Yeah, Profion is stroking his rod and Damodar is looking on with a smoldering, lustful gaze. Snarling and spitting (literally), Profion declares that now HE can control dragons and that weeny, stupid little empress chick had better start minding her P's and Q's. It seems that the empress' magical scepter allows her to control gold dragons, and this allows her to pretty much do as she pleases, though the stick-in-the-mud Council of Mages doesn't like it. Now, Profion declares, spittle flying in every direction, he will command the dragons and take the empire for himself. Damodar just looks smug.

Damodar is played by Bruce Payne, who has a long and distinguished bad movie career (IMDB lists him in 42 movies, including Billy the Kid and the Green Baize Vampire and Never Say Never Mind: The Swedish Bikini Team), and he is certainly game for giving Jeremy Irons a run for his money in the overacting department. He utters each and every line as if he's straining on the toilet, overpronouncing every consonant and spraying his costars with spittle. Unsurprisingly, he fits right in with the rest of the cast.

To test his new rod, Profion bids his minions bring out a young red dragon. Of course we know where this is all going, and so do the minions, but they're terrified that Profion might swallow them along with the scenery he's chewing, and bring out the creature, even as it incinerates one or two of them just for the hell of it. At first, all seems well. Profion waves the rod around and says something like "Al bakhura makka wakki doodlee doo dee whooobaaaaaaa..." and the dragon obeys him. Damodar strokes Profion's ego just like a good sub should, while Profion snarls that he will now command a dragon army and will soon crush the empress.

He looks up at the dragon, which roars at him. "You don't LIKE that, DO YOU?" he shouts. "GOOOOD! I can USE every OUNCE of your RAGE!! Haarkarkarkarkarkarkark!" Yes, he really does say "Haarkarkarkarkarkarkark!" at the end of this sentence. Gods.

The rod apparently has a short battery life, however, and it quickly shorts out, leaving the dragon to glare angrily and begin to consider going on a rampage. It begins to stomp forward with murder in its piggy little eyes, but then Profion casts a spell and causes the gate to crash down on the poor thing and kill it.

Our Heroes, caught by an apprentice wizard with no ranks in Listen or Spot. Fill you with confidence, don't they?

Well, back to the drawing board. He tells Damodar to summon the High Council of Mages as the dragon's blood runs down into the canals and catches fire, observed by a crowd of commoners, among whom is the pair that passes for our heroes, a young fighter-thief named Ridley and his boon companion, Snails.

Now, I know that I went on for quite a while about Profion and Damodar. Annoying? Yes. Arrogant? Yes. Gay? Quite probably. But Snails acts on a far higher order of irritation. He is every horrific Steppin Fetchit stereotype rolled into one, a walking, talking characature with some pretty obvious racist overtones built right in.

And, I should point out, he's played by none other than Marlon Wayans, of the acting Wayans clan, an actor who triumphed in the classic drama Requiem for a Dream, and was hilarious (at least to some people) in the Scary Movie films, along with brother Shawn. And, yes, he WAS in White Chicks, but I don't hold that against him anywhere near as much as I hold this particular movie.

Snails is cowardly. He screams like a woman whenever anything bad or vaguely frightening happens. This is supposed to be funny. He's terminally horny and almost gets the entire group wiped out when trying to get a little elven booty later in the movie. He's greedy and not all that bright. He's always complaining and trying to talk Ridley out of being heroic. And he's an incredibly inept thief. Snails is the type who gives honest rogues like me a bad name. And, of course, he's black. I don't know if this character would have been as offensive if he'd been white, but I find myself wondering if they'd even written him this way if he was.

Feets don' fails me now! Yassuh, yassuh, yassuh...

Snails is supposed to be the comic relief. But he is what is referred to on other websites as the "odious comic relief" or OCR (and you thought it meant Optical Character Recognition... silly people...), who is intended to be funny and endearing, and ends up being so damnably annoying, and so unpleasantly offensive, that we shout with joy when he finally gets snuffed. In fact, Snails' demise has become famous in the gaming community to the extent that he symbolizes every horrible character and NPC that you want to kill. Congrats, guys... You've created a character for the ages.

Ridley is portrayed by one Justin Whalin, who rumor has it was also a motive force behind this epic. A regular on the series Charles in Charge, and also noted for playing Jimmy Olsen on Lois and Clark, Justin is serviceable as a roguish-but-loveable fighter/thief, but as a nemesis for the likes of Profion and Damodar, he's got a long way to go.

So, Rid and Snails are busy speculating why the river just caught fire, and both agree that it probably has something to do with those wacky mages. For some reason this causes Ridley to think that robbing the College of Mages would be a great idea. Apparently no one has ever thought of doing this before, since the college has no evident defenses against a couple of inept low-level rogues.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to the Empress Savina, played with sixth-grade Christmas pageant ineptitude by Thora Birch. Yes, the Thora Birch from American Beauty and Ghost World. Here's yet another fine actor or actress reduced to buffoonery by a bad director and incompetent script. In fact, I'm not entirely sure when this film was made because, if anything, Thora as Savina looks considerably younger than she did when she took off her bra in American Beauty. She is in the process of conferring with Vilden, master of the College of Mages, since the nasty mages on the Council are going to force her to surrender her Scepter of Gold Dragon Control to them. She's a reform-minded, civically-responsible empress, tellling him that she's gonna liberate those peasants whether they like it or not, and the Council be damned. Vilden tells her that if she obtained the magical Rod of Savrille, she could control red dragons, give her scepter to the Council, and still have a trump card to play against Profion.

You decide. Better Thora one...	Or better Thora two?

Of course, one of Profion's stooges, a cute little homonculous (one of a handful of real D&D monsters that they got right for the film) overhears and transmits the info to his master.

"I must have that Rod of Savrille!" Profion declares, once more getting excited about rods while fantasizing about overthrowing the empress and seizing control of the Council.

"What is your wish, Lord?" drools Damodar.

Damodar thinks for a long moment, then says, "Pay a visit to the magic school, and see our friend Vilden. Persuade him to give you the scoll of which he speaks, and bring it here to me." Damodar nods and leads his troops off to the...

Wait just a damn minute, boys. "The scroll of which he speaks?" What scroll? Freakin' Vilden didn't even mention a freakin' scroll! I'm missing something here...

Oh well. Apparnetly Vilden has a scroll, the scroll's at the College of Mages, Damodar and the Crimson Brigade are going to the College of Mages, and... GULP... So are...

Our heroine. Need I say more?

Cut to our two bungling "heroes," Ridley and Snails, at the College of Mages, scaling the walls and sneaking into the place, going through junk and pocketing valuables. In an adjoining chamber, our heroine, the apprentice wizardess Marina and Vilden (remember him?) are busy shelving books. Vilden is speculating about the current empress/Profion conflict, and says that the solution is to make Profion "expose himself before the council." I do not like the sound of that...

While Marina is busy shelving books, Vilden is working on decrypting a scroll. Could it be...? Yes, it's the scroll that Vilden didn't mention when he was talking to the empress... You know, the one that Profion knows about through mental telepathy or something... In the nearby magic warehouse, meanwhile, Snails finds a pretty, shiny box and tries to take it, an illusion of a skeletal dragon attacks, sending him -- yes, you guessed it -- running away, screaming like a woman.

When Vilden and Marina hear the commotion, he sends her to investigate. She catches Snails and Ridley right in the act. Now, think on this -- wizards have very few class skills... Listen, Spot and Search are all cross-class, and if she's, say a 2nd level wizard, she's got precious few points to spend on such things. Yet, guess what? A pair of supposedly-experienced rogues have no idea that a wizard is sneaking up on them, and when she catches them in the act, Ridley and Snails turn around with guilty expressions on their faces and tell her that they're the cleaning crew.

As a wizardess, Marina's prime ability is Intelligence, however, and she sees through their clever subterfuge instantly. "Clean-up crew is more like it!" she snaps (what the hell does that mean?). "You're thieves, trying to rob us!" Acting quickly, she casts some magic pixie dust (the spell's material component? Don't ask me... this pixie dust is used for just about every spell in the movie) and ties them up with a magical rope. Would that be a hold person? Nope, they are dragged along with her as she leaves the room.

"Must be the only way she can get guys to come home with her!" declares Ridley.

"I'd have to put a feeblemind spell on myself to want to take you home!" Marina shoots back. That was cold, bitch. Very cold.

Enter the dwarf...

Before they can get to much more witty reparte, however, they hear yet another commotion, this time it's Damodar and the guard roughing up poor Vilden. Hastening back to the library, they're too late to save Vilden from Ol' Blue-Lips, but he is able to toss Marina the scroll, she casts a spell with the apparent verbal component "Ockie-sockie!", incapacitating the guards for a moment, enabling her to cast what looks like a Dimension Door (isn't she way too low-level to cast that?) and escape.

"Follow them, you fools!" Damodar bellows (don't villains ever get tired of saying the same lines over and over again?) and those clumsy but loveable Crimson Guards hustle through the dimdoor. Marina and her charges aren't all that hard to follow, since Snails is still screaming and carrying on like a prison bull's bitch. Besides, Marina, in her wisdom, decides to flee down a blind alley and tumble headlong into a pile of garbage, with Damodar and the crimson boys in hot pursuit.

Fortunately for our heroes, this is not just any pile of garbage; this one appears to be the home of... well... a dwarf. Or rather, The Dwarf, since his name is never mentioned for the remainder of the movie (imdb.com says his name is supposed to be Elwood Gutworthy, but you couldn't prove it by me). This worthy individual puts most of the dwarves I've known to shame. Cruder, dirtier, more violent and thicker-skulled than most of his brethren (and, given what I know about dwarves, that is really saying something), he emerges from his pigsty of a residence, demanding to know what's happening and why he can't sleep off his three-day drunk (well, he doesn't actually say that, but hell, look at him... this guy's been drinking for a long, long time). Damordar replies with a badly-aimed crossbow bolt that simply knocks the dwarf's helm off his slightly pointy head.

Of course, knocking a dwarf's helmet off is an old game where I come from, but it's usually done in a tavern with a dwarf who's too drunk to see straight, and who will run straight into a wall if he tries to chase you. In this case, however, the dwarf is obviously nursing one mother of a hangover, and he hefts his axe and flings himself straight at Damodar and the Crimson Brigade. After Damodar gets ready to hand Mister Short-and-Cranky's ass to him on a platter, the dwarf suddenly thinks better of his plan and beats a hasty retreat back into his squalid hovel. He urges the humans to follow him (gods only know why), and a moment later they have escaped into the sewers. Trust a dwarf to build his shack on top of an open sewer.

Damodar and his fellow bunglers immediately post guards on every sewer entrance and circulate badly-drawn posters of Marina, accusing her of murdering Vilden. Marina gripes about the unfairness of it all and Ridley tells her to quit whining, then they sneak away to formulate a plan. Or possibly (as I would have done in similar circumstances) get good and drunk.

Please don't let this be what it looks like...

Back in Profion's lair, the wizard sneers at Damodar, asking how he could possibly have let "a slip of a girl" like Marina escape his clutches. Norda, the empress' best tracker has been dispatched to find the fugitive, and far too much attention has been drawn to the situation. Profion's obviously pissed off. Well, more pissed off than usual.

"ITt was a misssTAKE," Damodar explains. "ITt will noTt haPPen aGAIN." Yes, that is exactly how he says it. The Izmerian noble class is well-known for overpronouncing its consonants.

"Now there you are right," Prof replies, looking smugly diabolical. "And here's why."

With that, he zaps Damodar with a cheap special effect, leaving his former golden boy writhing on the floor. After a moment, Damodar's bald head starts pulsating alarmingly, he grimaces in agony (very vividly, might I add... hilariously vividly, in fact), and out of his ears pop...

Hm. A pair of worm-like creatures. Out of his ears. Really. They make nasty noises, wave around a bit, then snap back into his head.

Profion positions himself behind Damodar, looking as if he's planning on engaging in the ultimate act of intimacy with his subordinate. The wormy thing is Damodar's new li'l pal, he explains. A reminder to keep him from screwing the pooch again. Once Damodar gives Profion the rod (I'm getting SO goddam much mileage out of that joke), he'll take the little guy out and Damodar will be right as rain.

That's the problem with these dark lord types. One minute you're the hot spit captain of the Crimson Brigade, the next your head's been turned into a tapeworm farm. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- don't ever agree to be the evil dark lord's right-hand man. It never works out.

Prof now snuggles up even closer to Damodar, caressing his head lovingly and whispers, "Don't fail me!" Damodar looks royally ticked off at this treatment, but in our hearts we know that this is just a minor lover's tiff, and these two crazy kids will eventually get back together. This film is, in fact, kind of like the series Queer as Folk, except with dwarves and tapeworms stuck in people's heads.

"The Dwarf" shows how an ancient and honorable people eat their chicken.

Now, we cut to another fave of D&D players everywhere -- the tavern. Our three heroes are sitting at a table trying to figure out how to escape from the Crimson Brigade, locate the Rod of Savrille, and get it back to the empress. The dwarf, who is busily wolfing down chicken in a repulsive manner (I must say that this film's portrayal of dwarves is pretty accurate, but then I haven't exactly known the most refined dwarves in my time), thinks this is a great idea, and expects the empress to reward them with heaps of gold.

Marina, disgusted with the dwarf's table manners, insists that their mission has a higher purpose -- saving the empire. Of course, Rid and Snails think this is crap -- who gives a rat's ass what happens to the mages, anyway? They're about to leave when Marina unrolls the scroll (remember the scroll?) and starts trying to decipher it. Ridley says that the markings look familiar -- like the marks his father used to put on his designs for carriages. Why a commoner would bother magically protecting his blueprints is beyond me, but this is plot material, for when Ridley says the magic words, he's suddenly sucked into the scroll, vanishing from the tavern but unfortunately not from the movie.

Marina's impressed with this, and says the words herself, joining Ridley inside the scroll, while Snails and the increasingly greasy and food-covered dwarf look on. Snails looks at the scroll and sees a hazy image of Ridley and Marina wandering around inside, arguing. Well, we got rid of those two, now can we actually introduce some interesting characters... Oh, never mind.

Outside, Damodar and the boys in crimson have located the tavern.

"Do NOT leTt them esCAPE, or you will suffer a FATE FAR WORSE than thaTt which hath been INFLICTED upon MEeee!" he warns his minions. Evidently planting a tapeworm in someone's head also increases the severity of his overacting.

Back inside, the dwarf is busy telling war stories when Snails happens to notice a hot elf babe wandering through the tavern. Well, she's actually kind of skinny for my tastes, and she's got a typically haughty expression that says "Back off, human! I've got pointy-toed shoes older than you!" Unfortunately, in addition to his other offensive qualities, Snails is instantly smitten. The dwarf wisely tries to talk him out of it. "The problem with elves," he says, "is that they got no meat on their bones!" Hey, I hear you, brother. I'll take a nice fleshy demon or a Kaitian any day.

Okay, I promise. No "dark elf" jokes...

Snails remains a slave to his hormones, however, and in a moment he's sidled up beside our elven beauty, saying, "Are you looking for somebody in particular, or are you just looking for somebody."

Yeah, that line always works for me. The last time I said something that inept I ended up in an alley with my trousers off and my ass painted blue. Well, unfortunately for us, that doesn't happen to Snails. Instead, the elf chick replies, "In fact, I was looking for someone just like you." Snails, ever the wit, ays, "What a coincidence! I was looking for someone just like you!"

Yes, kids, it's that easy.

Before Snails can start enjoying his conquest, Damodar arrives with the Wet Blanket patrol and starts to roust the place. The Dwarf grabs the scroll and his axe and stages a hasty retreat, collaring Snails and bullying his way through the crowd. Once more, Damodar and his Yahoos prove utterly ineffectual, and our heroes escape clean.

Back in the forest, Snails remarkably manages to remember the magic words and brings Ridley and Marina out of the scroll. Of course when they appear they're still arguing, yuk-yuk-yuk. Marina says that according to the "wraiths inside the scroll", the Rod of Savrille "caused the great war." To get the rod, they apparently first need to obtain the Dragon's Eye, which is presently held by the master of the Anteus thieves' guild. Though true to form, Snails says it sounds way too dangerous, Ridley tells him that he's "committed" them to finding it, casting a meaningful glance at Marina. Snails gapes in horror, though I'm not entirely sure what he's thinking, and Ridley doesn't explain exactly what Marina did to persuade him. Obviously it wasn't sex. No, not at all. No one would want to have sex with either of those two.

Of course, Ridley persuades Snails to join the endeavor (though it will mean his death... oops... I just gave it away...), and the dwarf comes along for the gold and treasure. As they vanish into the night, we see that the elf chickie from the tavern is watching them from a tree. Hm. Could it be...? No... She can't be...

And just what the hell is THAT thing? And what's that guy on the left doing?

In short order, the party -- lessee... a human fighter rogue, a human fighter, a human wizard and a dwarf fighter, all probably 1st or 2nd level -- arrives in the city of Anteus. There's a long shot of the city, portraying great castles sitting on pillars of stone above the teeming slums below, but it's only a matte painting, so of course we don't ever go to any of the really interesting-looking places. Instead, Ridley and company shoulder their way through the teeming slums until they catch sight of a purple-headed guy with three eyes, whom who they apparently deduce is a member of the thieves' guild. Of course Snails wastes no time in stealing everything he can get his nimble little fingers on, eventually wandering around with arms full of loot and a pair of boots on his head. Very discreet, Snails. Very discreet.

The discreetness continues. Rather than doing anything intelligent and, well, roguish like following the purple-headed guy, Ridley barrels up to him, grabs him by the collar and says, "We're looking for esteemed guildmaster Xilus! We thought perhaps you'd know him."

Well, since Ridley has nothing going for him besides bad grammar, purple-head isn't impressed, and replies, "The only thing I know is, you oughta take your business out of town before you get the words 'Outsiders not appreciated' branded right. Where. Your. Nose. Used. To. Be. Get it? Shlubshlub."

That line is delivered with such verve it's almost a shame to point out that it's incredibly stupid. But to give the writer credit, the line is delivered with an English accent, which makes even lousy dialog sound better. Anyway, now that the subtle approach has filed, they decide to actually act like rogues and follow the guy. Unfortunately, Snails rolls a "1" on his Move Silently check, and within moments they're surrounded by guild thieves, who grab them and, unfortunately for us, do not slit their throats. Instead they drag our heroes into an opulently-appointed den that looks like it had a mafia don as an interior decorator, where they finally meet...

Madness takes its toll...

Riff Raff! No! Mister Hand from Dark City! No! The evil wizard from Robin of Sherwood! No...

No, he's all those things and more. Esteemed guildmaster Xilus is played by none other than Richard O'Brian, who probably wishes that he was still zapping Tim Curry with a funny 3-pronged laser gun at the end of Rocky Horror Picture Show. But now he's here, and as he is both a fine actor and doesn't chew through scenery, manages to bring a touch of class to this little fiasco.

Not that Ridley cares. He introduces himself in typically modest fashion. "Ridley Freeborn, practitioner of the larcenous crafts, member in good standing of the Sumdal Guild. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Guildmaster Riff Raff is impressed, or at least he's polite about it, calling Marina a "precious morsel" before slapping her ass, then asks what he can do for Ridley. After shutting Marina up, Ridley asks about the Eye of the Dragon.

Well, Ridley can have it if he can successfully survive...

The Anteus Guild Maze!

Damn. Are we finally getting to the "dungeons" part of Dungeons and Dragons? Well, it sure looks like it, as the next scene features Ridley stepping gingerly into a stone hallway, and avoiding spring-loaded swordblades concealed in the floor. As an accomplished rogue myself I really have to comment here -- the maze ends up being first year stuff, the kind of things that we did in Basic Dungeoneering 101. Mind you, Ridley may not have had access to the same thieves' academy as I did, since Izmer seems like a pretty piss-poor empire, but hell... When I was Ridley's age I could have negotiated the "deadly" Anteus maze blindfolded with both hands behind my back. In fact, I actually had to do that once... It was the brainchild of this evil sorceress named Ember, but the prize wasn't access to the Eye of the Dragon, it was actually her bedroom, and when you got there, she...

Ridley wonders what he ever did to be cast in this movie.

Never mind. My attention starts to wander when you get to be my age. Back to the film.

This "maze" actually has a number of interesting features. First off, the Eye of the Dragon is at the center, and no guild thief has ever succeeded in negotiating it. So you're telling me that Anteus Guild thieves can't even get to a treasure that's located in the middle of their own guildhall? Who the hell thought that one up? Did they build the hall around the maze? Or was the maze there all the time and they didn't know about it? I'm really starting to wonder about those damned Anteus thieves.

And oh, yeah -- though it's a deadly maze that no one has ever successfully solved, there are convenient viewing galleries above the maze, where Xilus and his fellow rogues can watch Ridley's progress. Hm. If they can watch him the whole way, then why does anyone have to actually go through the fucking maze? Never mind. I'm starting to get a headache.

Ridley foils the various traps in short order. First there are swinging bladed pendulums of death that he nimbly clambers over like a monkey. Then there's a room full of eyes that spout fire, and he has to hop from tile to tile to avoid setting them off. Then there's a chamber where the walls close in on him and...

Oh, never mind. The whole maze is indescribably lame, and after a few minutes in which Ridley is never in any real danger, he makes it to the final chamber where the Eye of the Dragon sits on a pedestal. Ridley sneaks up to it, and snatches it in triumph, but then a gigantic rolling stone sphere appears, forcing him to flee and...

No, it doesn't. He takes the damned gem and walks out. Big deal.

Indiana Ridley and the Temple of Dumb.

Guildmaster Riff Raff tells Ridley that he's the greatest thief ever, huzzah-huzzah, cheerio and all that rot, then tells Ridley to hand the Eye of the Dragon over to him. Ridley's starting to look pissed, as who wouldn't at this point, when an arrow catches one of Riff Raff's thieves in the chest and in stalk Damodar and the Keystone Kops, just in time.

"Who the hell are you?" Riff Raff demands, and in reply Damodar just struts forward and strikes a pose.

"I don't know who you are," the guildmaster admits, "but be prepared for a lesson in pain!"

Apparently, he's going to force Damodar to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show again.

Damodar sneers. "You MMMMust be joking," he says, putting the same depth and dramatic intensity into a single syllable that he put into his entire performance in Howling VI: The Freaks.

"I NEVER joke when MAGES TRESPASS in MYYYYYYYYYYY Guild!" Riff Raff shoots back, apparently also infected with the overacting bug.

Well, it looks as if everyone is going to perish in a bloodbath of mutual destruction, Rod of Savrille be damned, but unfortunately, before swords are drawn, Ridley gets the big idea of holding a lit torch up to the scroll and threatening to burn it unless Damodar let s him leave. Damodar, the nitwit, lets him get away with it, and while the dunderheads' attention is focused on Ridley, a bunch of guild thieves leap into the fray and attempt to drygulch the Crimson Brigade. A furious fight (well, a fight anyway) ensues, and in the ruckus Ridley drops the scroll. Marina retrieves it, but the wily Damodar then grabs Marina and carries her off screaming.

Ridley sees and after they've escaped into the wilderness (come on; you knew they'd make it) tells Snails that they've got to go rescue Marina, then tells him to get the dwarf.

"Hey!" says Snails. "How come I always got to get the dwarf? Damn!"

Believe me, Snails, I don't know how many times I've asked that question myself.

Now THAT'S a breastplate...

Another argument between Ridley and Snails ensues, with Snails suggesting that they abandon Marina to Damodar's clutches, and Ridley being the noble jerk that he is and insisting on a rescue mission. Their repartee is interrupted by the arrival of that cute elf chickee from the tavern, along with a squad of rangers. Yes, she's Norda, the empress' best tracker, and ranger extraordinaire.

Well, she can't actually be a ranger, since she's wearing metal armor. And what metal armor it is -- a form-fitting, sculpted steel breastplate complete with, yes, real breasts and nipples. Damn, that looks cold.

Norda contacts the empress on her magic cellular mirror, who tells her that Marina and the scroll are now in the possession of old Mister Bald-and-blue-lipped. The empress, looking even younger than she did in the previous scene, tells her to find Damodar and get the scroll. Norda accepts this with ill grace, and in a trice they're off to Damodar's castle.

Meanwhile, in Damodar's castle, our hairless villain stops in to see Marina in her cell, and tries to pump her for information. Given his obvious preference for Profion, I doubt he'd want to pump her for anything else, but then again, Damodar might play both sides of the fence... you never can tell with those dark lords' minions. I knew a dark necromancer's second-in-command who had a thing for lizard-women. It was very hard for him to find companionship in the winter.

Damodar tries a number of different ploys to get Marina to help him locate the Rod of Savrille, but she's made of sterner stuff. Even when he whines "LOOOOK at Meeeeeeeee.... LOOOOOOK aaaaattttt Meeeeeeeee! If I do not obtain the rod, I WILLLLL DIEEEEE!"

So Damodar's dying for the rod, huh? Look, I know that I'm overdoing the whole "rod" thing in this movie, but they handed it to me wrapped up with a bow like a Saint Kybor's Day present. I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't take every opportunity that comes to me.

Well, though for a moment or two we actually feel a faint trace of sympathy for Damodar, Marina doesn't, and continues to hold out, forcing Damodar to deploy his head-tentacles, ejecting the two wavey tapeworm like creatures from his ears with a grimace. Yes, they still look really silly.

"Foolish girrrrrl," he hisses. "I can suck..."

Long, long pause here. Way too long for my comfort level.

"...the information I want right out of you!"

Whew. That was a relief. I was a bit concerned about where this scene was headed.

So, true to his word, Damodar slaps his head-worms onto Marina's ears and proceeds to suck...

(Long pause...)

...The information he wants right out of her.

The many moods of Profion, an intimate portrait.

It certainly sounds unpleasant, as Marina screams and writhes as Damodar's tentacles pulsate. In this fashion, Damodar learns of about the Eye of the Dragon and the fact that it's the key to the Rod of Savrille. His lusts satisfied for the moment, Damodar stalks dramatically out of the chamber.

Back to our adventuring party. Now we've added an elf ranger who wears a metal breastplate to the group, and of course Snails is interested in a quick booty call, ham-fistedly asking Norda if she's single, and going so far as to tell her that he's willing to get his hands on an aging potion to increase his age, after which Norda informs him that she's 234 years old.

Yeah, that's probably about right. I've known elves that were ten times that age and still don't have a lick of sense. It wouldn't surprise me if Norda secretly nursed a thing for Snails, but of course elven culture pretty much prevents you doing anything with a human that you wouldn't want your ancestors to know about, especially since your ancestors are probably still alive. Not that there aren't lustful elves that dig getting busy with a human out there. It has a kind of forbidden quality to it... Kind of like a human having sex with a gorilla...

No, wait. Not like that at all. Sex with a gorilla is weird. Sex with an elf is fun. Take it from me. Where do you think all those half-elves come from, anyway?

Absenteeism and inefficiency among the Crimson Brigade plummeted after Damodar hired beholders as shift managers.

So now we've made it to Damodar's castle, and while Norda and the rangers look on from a distance, our two rogues scale the walls and make their way into the enemy's inner sanctum. Of course Norda lets them do this and watches from the bushes, figuring that they're professionals and should know what they're doing. After all, their raid on the magic school at the beginning of the movie was such a success, wasn't it?

Ridley and Snails peek into the courtyard of the castle.

"Look, Ridley!" says an obvious voiceover by Snails. "Beholders!"

Oh, yeah. Beholders. Yes, the evil "spheres of many eyes" that have plagued many a high-level D&D party have joined forces with Damodar and the Crimson Brigade. (Actually, my author ran a D&D game for me not all that long ago, and the beholders turned out to be pushovers... go figure...) These CGI-generated beasties resemble floating beach balls with a single central eye, and tentacles with smaller eyes ringing the tops of their heads. Given the way this scene is cut (with the beholders floating around and never actually interacting with anyone), it looks as if they were added later on to spruce up the scene, since sneaking past inept Crimson guardsman was dead boring.

So, the beholders weren't really there to begin with, but Ridley is able to distract them with a thrown rock, anyway, leaving the way into the castle wide open. Gods and demons, when will the evil dark lords start hiring competent help? They think that all you have to do is hire a few beholders, find some street thugs and give them snazzy armor, and they can conquer the world. It never works. Never. Just ask Sauron. Or Saddam Hussein.

Well, the security forces prove easily circumvented, and in a moment, Rid and Snails are inside the castle, sneaking around with lit torches. Ridley knows what he's doing, however, and tells snails to go find the map while he, Ridley, goes and finds the girl. This is just plain sad, since we know what's going to happen to Snails, and so should Ridley. You don't send a whiney, screeching incompetent into the heart of darkness like that. But there's Ridley, ever confident in his friend's abilities... Sometimes friendship blinds you to your friend's flaws, and in the case of Snails, Ridley is stumbling around with a white cane.

Snails sees his fate, and it isn't pretty.

Outside, The Dwarf urges Norda to assault the castle. "No," she replies, "we were not meant to enter this place. This task they must complete alone."

Huh? When did anyone say that? Hell, elves are annoying.

Snails sneaks around inside the castle for a while, eventually located Damodar's personal quarters. He prances about, doing Damodar impersonations, and rifling through his intimate, personal effects. Among the muscle man magazines, posters of Sigfried and Roy and black leather bondage gear, Snails actually spots the map. As he hastens towards it, however, he steps onto a rug of trapping (there's no such magic item in D&D; I just call it that because it makes sense), which sucks him down like quicksand. As he's about to go under, Snails sees Damodar's boots, with Damodar in them, then screams (yes, like a woman) as Damodar drags him out of the rug to meet his fate.

Down in the dungeon (yup, we're actually in a real dungeon, but not for long), Ridley locates Marina with ease (as she's apparently the only prisoner), and leads her out.

Cut back to Damodar's love nest, where he's busily throwing Snails about the chamber and bouncing him off walls.

Yes, as a matter of fact I AM beating the living hell out of Snails. Why? Do you want a crack at him too?

"Just like you thieves," he intones dramatically. "Always taking things that don't belong to you!"

Well, duh... That's kind of the definition of "thief," isn't it?

How about, "Just like you fighters -- always fighting all the time!" or "Just like you wizards -- always casting spells!" Damodar's grasp of the obvious can't be argued with.

"All right now," Snails declares, drawing his dagger (1d4 against small targets, 1d3 against medium). "Now I'm mad."

"Ooooohhhh," sighs Damodar. "So you want to play, do you?"

"Yeah," Snails replies. "Let's play."

Okay, stop. Stop now. You've put way too many horrible pictures in my head already. Just stop.

Snails doesn't even bother to put up a fight, preferring instead to run like the coward he is. Not that I disagree with that strategy, as Damodar, despite his blue lipstick and slightly alternative-lifestyle demeanor, is a pretty badass customer.

Elsewhere, Ridley and Marina fight a few guards, then we're back to Snails fleeing in terror from Damodar. Unfortunately for him, he runs outside into a dead end, and in a moment Damodar is upon him and ready to resume ass-kicking.

And now comes the sequence that being so much joy to the heart of the viewer. Damodar spends the next several minutes wailing on Snails with his fists, while Snails tries feebly to fight back and screams piteously.

We're probably supposed to be feeling for poor Snails at this point, saying "Oh, no! Plucky, funny, loveable Snails is getting murdered by the big bad nasty guy! Oh, poor Snails! We are so sad!"

In reality, we're saying, "Go, Damodar, go! Kick his ass!"

Aaaaaaaaacting!

Well, the beating doesn't go on for as long as the flogging scene in The Passion of the Christ, nor is it anywhere near as tragic as the final duel between Spartacus and Antoninus, or as dramatic as the death of Boromir in Fellowship of the Ring. However, its peculiarly stimulating brutality and savagery combine with the irritation factor of Snails, the odious comedy relief character to end all odious comedy relief characters, to make this one of the most truly satisfying and cathartic beat-downs in screen history.

While Damodar is having his fun, Ridley and Marina run up, and Ridley, for reasons known only to himself, demands that Damodar stop pummeling his friend to a bloody pulp.

"Not your usual punctual self," Damodar says. What the hell does he mean by usual punctual self, anyway? When in this entire movie has Ridley been even vaguely punctual, let alone punctual while Damodar could see it? Damodar's desire for snappy one-liners really starts to rankle after a while.

"Where's my dragon's eyes?" he continues. "Show me."

Ridley is about to wrap up the negotiations with everyone getting what they want (except for those of us who want to see Snails die a horrible death, of course), when Snails screws it up by throwing him the scroll. Enraged, Damodar runs Snails through, and Ridley shouts...

"FREEEEEEDOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!"

	Scenes from the death of Snails. When I'm feeling blue, I look at these pictures and suddenly I feel better about life. Don't ask me why.

Well, maybe not. He actually shouts...

"STELLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!"

No, no... Only kidding. Sorry. Now here's what he really shouts. Really. No fooling this time...

"AAAAAAADRIAAAAAANNNN!"

Okay, sorry. He actually shouts what we all expect him to shout...

	Snails' corpse is flung from the castle walls. You know, no matter how many times I watch this, I never get tired of it...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Impressed by Ridley's extreme acting, Damodar reacts just the way that you or I would react in a similar situation -- he flings Snails' lifeless corpse off the battlements, triggering yet another agonized scream from Ridley, after which the grief-stricken figher/rogue flings himself at Damodar, hacking at him in a frenzy of self-pity and repressed hatred of his own father.

A quick note here. On the now apparently-defunct gamerjargon.com website, it was mentioned that this incident has actually entered into D&D gaming culture. It is apparently now traditional that, when an NPC or other character dies, and you're supposed to be sorry, but really aren't, all gamers at the table are supposed to shout, in unison:

Snails est mort. Requiescat in pace.

Snaaaaaaaaailllls!!!

Well, fortunately, Ridley doesn't actually shout that, but it comes pretty close. He trades blows with Damodar, but it's obvious that blue-lips has the upper hand. Another savage beat-down follows, ending predictably with Ridley on his knees in front of Damodar (aha! I knew it all along), and Damodar's sword embedded in Ridley's shoulder. He refuses to hand over the Dragon's Eye, and blue-lips is about to finish him and the movie off once and for all when Marina gets smart and again zaps Damodar with magic pixie dust, then opens a dim-door and escapes.

Damodar gapes in astonishment at Marina's quick thinking and resourceful tactics. It's not as if she hasn't done exactly the same thing to him once already. Drat that girl and her pixie dust! Our surviving heroes have slipped the noose again (presumably leaving the dwarf and the ranger outside wondering what the hell is going on), we cut to a slow, sad shot of Snails' poor, broken body, lying peacefully in the grass outside the castle (He's dead? Really? Oh, thank god... I was afraid he was only wounded). In a triumph of intelligence and good taste, this will prove the last time we see Snails in the entire movie.

Back to Izmer as the empress confronts the council.

"The council has voted! You must oblige us!" declares Azmath, one of Profion's stooges. Now, come on... Giving up the scepter is one thing, but obliging the whole council? Did you see some of those old guys... All grey and bearded and fat... euchh... Who'd want to actually... ick... oblige them?

Oops. It seems that "obliging" doesn't mean what I thought it did. It actually means that they want the empress to give up her scepter. She is understandably reluctant.

Get me out of this movie or I'll cast finger of death on you! Don't think I won't!

(And by the way, Azmath speaks with a thick Brooklyn accent -- he must be from Lower East Izmer or something...)

Now it's Savina's chance to shine. The young, liberal empress defying the old, stick-in-the-mud mages who want to keep things as they are. This is her opportunity to rise above the past, to break with ancient tradition, and show that she is truly a ruler for the ages. Unfortunately, she delivers her lines with all the enthusiasm of a fourth-grader playing the third elf in a school Christmas pageant. Imagine the following lines delivered in a monotone, broken occasionally by apparently random emphasis on various words such as people and protect. And I also hate to kick poor Thora's acting when it's down, but she also tries to mimic an english accent with absurd results. Thank the gods that she rose above this dreck and showed what a fine actress she could be in other films.

"Do not patronize me, Azmath," she says, "for I understand all too well. Yes, I violate the law in defying the council, but I give you this scepter, my crime would be greater yet, for I would be defying my conscience." Long, dramatic pause. "And our people. Have you all forgotten? This council was created to protect the people of Izmir. But ask yourselves -- is this what you are doing? I say not. Your concern is only for yourselves, not the people."

And so on. At this point, Profion pops up like a bad penny and demands to know whether forcing the empire into civil war is in the best interests of the people (a legitmate question, I think). The confrontation that follows is possibly one of the most bizarre in screen history, with an internationally-acclaimed thespian hamming it up and arguing with a confused-looking teenager who seems to have just stepped out of high school acting class. Savina whines and tries to sound sincere, while Profion chuckles and looks indulgent (do you think that his disgusted expression is more Jeremy Irons than Profion? I do). As you might guess, the empress is pretty much outmanned and outgunned here, especially since Profion is in full scenery-chewing mode.

Profion amuses the council with his hilarious Richard Nixon impersonation.

Savina's drugged-out delivery continues and culminates with the line, "Each. Citizen. Of. Izmer. Whether a commoner or a mage deserves an equal right for pros-per-i-ty [she seems to have had a hard time with this word and appears to be pronouncing it phonetically] and as empress, this is how I decree Izmer shall be run. From. This. Day. Forward."

"Such pretty words," Profion replies. Jeez, was he listening to the same lines as we were? He gives the usual "young people just don't understand what us old folks know" speech and urges the council to spank her soundly (in later films starring Miss Birch, I've had the same urge myself, though for entirely different reasons). He rages and snarls at her for a while, and she replies in typical fashion that she "will not leave the empire in the hands of an unscruplous charlatan!" Damn, girl. Them's fightin' words!

"Know one thing," she says. "I am not afraid!" She then stamps her little foot, turns and storms off in a huff.

Frankly if I had an army of gold dragons at my command and my opposition consisted of old, crusty-looking wizards and overacting British hams, I wouldn't be afraid either, but Profion takes her seriously, calls upon the wizards to reach down and find a pair, and the council girds their wrinkled, shrunken loins for war. Game on.

Elsewhere, our bruised and battered heroes are marching through the forests, along with a couple of creepy-looking halflings wearing paper-mache skulls on their faces. They arrive at another matte painting... er... sorry, I mean, the mystical city of the elves, which only looks like another matte painting. It's a big tree, filled with twinkling Christmas lights, where the elves dwell in perfect happiness and spend all their days baking cookies and making toys...

You never will believe where those Keebler cookies come from...

No, wait. That's not right. The elves live here, sure, but we're not entirely sure exactly what it is that they do, since we immediately cut away to... Doctor Who???

Actually, it's the King of the Elves, who bears a striking resemblance to everyone's favorite Timelord (the encarnation with the long scarf). It's none other than veteran actor Tom Baker, joining his friends from old Blighty, Jeremy Irons and Richard O'Brien, slumming in this American-made piece of crap. Once more, we have a British actor who brings yet another touch of class to an otherwise charmless production. In this case, he looks more like Mister Spock's father than Dr. Who, but he's all-too-recognizeable nonetheless.

Ridley's lying motionless as the elf-king feels him up. Marina, once more playing the role of Ms. Clueless, hisses, "Isn't he going to cast a spell???", prompting Norda to tell her to shut her goddam round-eared human piehole and let Dr. Who do his work.

Sure enough, King Who summons yet another cheap special effect, making his hands glow green as he continues to feel up his patient ("Ridley? Can you show us on this doll where the elf king touched you?"). At length, of course, the elf magic works and our stricken hero opens his eyes, realizes that the previous hour or so of film wasn't actually a horrible nightmare, and screams horribly. Fade to black...

Well, no, not really... But ask yourself... If you were interrupted from the blessed peace and oblivion that only death can bring, to realize that you're teamed up with a skinny elf ranger who wears a form-fitting metal breastplate, a sloppy and bad-smelling dwarf who wears a helmet with only one horn, and your love interest was a depressingly whiney apprentice wizard who can't even cast fireball, and in addition to all that, you'd just been healed by Dr. Who, wouldn't you scream? I know I would.

At one point in his celebrated career, the Gallifreyan renegade known as "The Doctor" hid from the other Timelords on a primitive planet, where he practiced medicine while disguised as an elf.

So no, Ridley doesn't scream. He just looks peaceful as the elf king says, "Hello, Ridley" in such a melifluous British-accented way that it almost makes us forget our pain for an instant.

Once more Marina proves why she's our go-to gal. She looks as the elf king in astonishment and says, "How did you do that?"

Duh. He's an elf, Einstein! And the elf-king at that. It's what he does. Accept it.

The elf king replies patiently, since he's probably been dealing with humans' innate ability to grasp the obvious for the past thousand years or so, saying, "The elven peoples do not require spells to work their magic." He casts a dubious glance at Marina. "You use magic; we are part of it."

Hey, not so fast, Merlin... It sure as hell looked like you cast a spell to me... What was that glowy-hands thing if not a spell? Just because you're got the Silent Spell and Eschew Components feats you think we're going to fall for that "we don't require spells" line? Jeez.

The king continues to patronize poor Marina, telling her that all living things are part of magic as well, including dragons.

Ridley's kind of irritated at all this, and mumbles that he had a dream. The king seems to know this.

"You saw a dragon being born," he says.

Ridley confirms this and the elf king spouts off some more elfy-mystical mumbo jumbo about how dragons keep things in balance, and if the dragons were killed, then the balance would be spoiled, the fabric of magic destroyed, blahdy-blahdy-blah. Of course, that Rod of Savrille shouldn't be used, cuz it would bring about the end of all we hold dear and human greed and arrogance would once more be responsible for doing irreparable harm to... blahdy-blahdy-blah.

Oh, no. Kissy stuff...

Don't worry, Ridley. Elves always say crap like that. They just can't stand the fact that humans have managed to take over and push them off of center stage, so of course anything humans do ruins the precious balance of nature and the secrets of magic, and only us powerful, ultra-cool elves can possibly understand magic and the secrets of the cosmos, so why don't you just step down off your high li'l human hobby-horse and let us run things again like we did way back when, you poor benighted humans who only live a hundred years or so...

I've heard it before. Don't buy it. The elves are just as screwed up as we are. They're just less honest about it.

So Ridley saw a dragon being born, but not on screen. If you have the DVD you can see the deleted dream sequence in which he sees the big dragon egg and the cute wittle dwagon that comes out of it when it hatches, and you'll understand why it was deleted, since the animatic dragon looks like nothing more than one of those cockfighting monsters from Japanese animation... As it flies away, you'll have the urge to shout "I choose you, Pikachu!"

So that's why we only hear about the dream sequence. It doesn't really matter anyway, because now we cut to the world's most awkward love scene between Marina and Ridley (aw c'mon -- you always wanted to see those kids get together, didn't you?).

Ridley's off contemplating the forest city in the night, kind of like Luke Skywalker in the Ewok village in Jedi, but only without the charm and talent. Marina tells him that she's sorry about Snails, which is strange because none of the rest of us are one tiny bit sorry.

Ridley doesn't appreciate her sympathy, and says that he's giving up on the whole thing, that Marina's a nasty inconsiderate bitch, that mages are all a bunch of stupid jerks, and that he's dropping the whole stupid quest thing. Unfortunately, before we can applaud and make our escape from the theater (or from the living room of the sadistic friend who's showing us this schnauzer), Marina in her own inimitable way manages to change his mind.

Marina gives him a speech about how the empress is cool and trying to change things and only evil mages like Profion want to keep things the way they are. Marina must be a real fan of the empress, since her delivery is about as emotionally flat and colorless as the empress' "impassioned" speeches. Generally, she expresses her emotions by shouting and stamping her feet, whining and griping to Ridley until he figures to hell with it, sweeps her up in his arms and slaps a big-time liplock on her.

Ewwwwwww! They're, like, kissing! Grooooossssss!

And of course as they're snogging away, Profion's little homonculous observes and chuckles to himself.

Izmerian halflings wear paper mache skulls on their faces and communicate only in subtitles.

Now, equipped with new resolve and a new, improved backbone thanks to his annoying new girlfriend, Ridley sets out on the next leg of the quest. Accompanied by the two weird halflings with skulls strapped to their faces, the party leaves the safety of Lothlorien... I mean the elf village... and ventures into the wilderness.

The halflings seem to have quite a stake in Ridley's future, since they give him a magic sword (looks like a longsword +1, possibly with the ghost touch special ability, but it's hard to tell). They then converse in their own bizarre language, translated as "Does he know his true potential?" "Not yet, but I have a feeling he will live to find out."

Well, I took this video to a halfling language expert (he runs the local comic book store and is also head of the local J.R.R. Tolkien fan club), who did a quick translation for me, and told me that not only were the subtitles completely wrong, but that they weren't really speaking halfling at all... It was actually a debased form of gnomish called Gutter-Rat, which is spoken primarily by the criminal classes in the city of Boo-Yatha. And then he bored me for another hour telling me all about his new character in Vampire: the Requiem.

So, here's what they really say:

Halfling One: Daku mora kapua?

Translation: What the hell were you thinking, giving that +1 longsword of ghost touch to that moron?

Halfling Two: Si mola. Kunama kolisima. Ona soma dabo.

Translation: Again with the sword! It doesn't matter. It's a medium-size weapon and we can only use small. Besides, our strength bonuses are too low. Let the idiot have the fucking sword. He's just going to die anyway.

Now at last Ridley and his crew creep toward the entrance to the dungeon (Yes! Finally! A dungeon!). Marina's wearing elf clothes, and her hair is down, she's wearing a cute little choker/bondage collar, and I have to admit that it's an improvement over that blue velvet number she'd been wearing. Unfortunately, her acting remains about the same.

With the Savrille diet, I lost over 200 pounds in just under five centuries!

Ridley saunters into the dungeon entrance, and the rest of the party hurries behind. Unfortunately, The Dwarf runs smack into an invisible barrier (which Marina identifies as a wall of force, but it doesn't act anything like what's described in the PHB spell lists), so it looks as if Ridley's on his own. He creeps into the dungeon (which looks more like some kind of excavation with green mood lighting), then rolls a "1" on his Spot check and falls through a hidden trapdoor, sliding down a passage and is eventually deposited right in front of one of those ominious-looking dungeon doors with a dragon on it (you know the kind I'm talking about... there's always something bad behind them).

Now that he's accomplished all his thiefly dungeon-delving purely through ineptitude, Ridley places the Dragon's Eye in the empty socket in the door and, presto, he's allowed access to the treasure vault of all treasure vaults. It's filled with all sorts of cheapy thrift-store junk, but of course he's now Lawful Good or something stupid like that, and ignores it all. After blundering around for an hour or so, Ridley notices that there's a mummified corpse over in the corner holding what looks like an elaborate candy apple red bong.

"Finally," he mutters. "A mage who got what he deserved."

Well, that's a pretty impolitic thing to say, since the mummy springs to life and...

Attacks? Casts a spell? Calls upon the forces of darkness to destroy the intruder? That's what would happen if a mummy came to like in my neck of the woods, or even if it came to life in your D&D campaign.

Unfortunately, this is the mummy of Savrille himself, and he apparetnly is way too tired and wimpy to do anything truly interesting, so it just talks to Ridley for a while. It turns out that he has been punished with eternal undeath for using his rod to enslave the red dragons. He's stuck there until some "worthy of its power" takes the rod.

"You," says Savrille, "are such a man!"

This fall on Fox! When Dragons Attack!

Really? Jeez louise, the guy didn't do anything to get here. He didn't open any locks, disarm any traps, backstab any monsters, survive any wards or triggered spells... All he did was walk into a cave and fall through a freakin' trapdoor. Hell, if it was that easy, why didn't I ever get a shot at the Rod of Savrille? Of course if I had the damned thing I wouldn't use it to control dragons... I'd give it to Jae and Violent Bahb so they'd have something to smoke dreamweed with...

Ridley agrees that he is such a man, however, and grabs the rod. Savrille gives him the usual disclaimer about how anyone who uses the rod will suffer a terrible fate and be destroyed by the evil that he unleashes, etc., etc., etc. It's all standard boilerplate -- every major artifact on Thystra is supposed to have it on a label somewhere, in fact. Savrille then relinquishes the rod and, presumably, is at last free from the shackles of undeath. Before he leaves, Ridley just happens to notice a huge mural that escaped his attention previously (that Ridley is some rogue, isn't he?), portraying dragons battling over a great city and doing all sorts of damage while a couple of wizards with rods egg them on. Hm. Could this be some kind of warning? Don't ask Ridley. He's too busy fleeing from the dungeon.

Back in Izmer, Profion sees that the empress has summoned her gold dragons and sent them to attack the mages. In typical fashion, he immediately starts acting like the leader, commanding the other mages to destroy the gold dragons before they reach the mages' tower. This proves easier said than done, since there is a major shitload of dragons coming, and I can only count nine or ten mages. What happened to all those mages in the council chamber? Hm. Must have remembered that they had appointments or something...

So it actually looks as if the mages are outnumbered and undergunned, since they launch a volley of fireballs (fools! Gold dragons are immune to fire, and adults have a spell resistance of 23!), which all miss by a wide margin (how do you miss with a fireball, anyway?).

That's gotta hurt...

Profion realizes that he's picked a bunch of bunglers as his allies and casts what looks like a wall of ice around the tower, then exhorts his Crimson Brigade defense forces to use their ballistae. This proves more effective, since they manage to impale a dragon right off the bat, which then falls and gets speared by one of the towers like a bug on a pushpin.

Well, it looks as if the whole mess is really screwing with the natural order of things (didn't King Who warn us of this a few scenes ago?), and the empress, now outfitted in spiffy gold armor (and looking damned uncomfortable at that) mutters, "What have I done?"

She gets over it pretty fast, as she summons one of her dragons to her -- let's hope it's an ancient gold dragon, with SR 31 and all of its special abilities -- and prepares to wade into battle all by her little self.

Unfortunately, just as things are actually getting exciting enough to actually wake the audience up, we cut back to Mister Loser... that is to say, Ridley the thief, emerging triumphantly from the dungeon, with his rod in his hand.

Heh-heh... Rod... hand... heh-heh...

Sorry. I promise I won't make anymore "rod" jokes.

Anyway, he's got this big rod, and...

Heh-heh... Rod...

*Sigh* I'm sorry. It's just too easy.

Well, before Ridley can show off his rod to his companions, he notices that there's something wrong with Marina. After a moment, Ridley is able to figure out what it is -- Damodar is holding her by the throat. He and the Crimson Brigade have finally showed up on time and managed to do something right, which is to grab all of Ridley's companions and wait for him to come out. Damodar's not looking good at all, by the way -- his lips are still a healthy blue, but his ears are now bright red. I'm not sure whether this is because of his little cranial tapeworms or just because he doesn't get out in the sun much.

Don't you just hate it when your mom forces you to go out with the class D&D nerd, just because she feels sorry for him? That is soooooo embarassing!

Ridley looks pissed. Damodar growls and says, "Feels gooood, doesn't it?"

Ugh. I'm not even going to touch that line...

Damodar has lost none of his finesse. He scratches Marina's neck with his cool disco-bondage clawed gauntlet, looks at Ridley and says, "Oh. I've cut her. What a shaaaame."

Well, faced with overacting like that Ridley realizes that he doesn't stand a chance. "Don't hurt her!" he begs.

"Then give me the ROD!" Damodar replies.

I will pause now for several moments, so that you can come up with your own jokes and comments.

Done? Okay, we'll continue.

Ridley tries to negotiate for a while, but of course we all know that a blue-lipped, red-eared dom-type like Damodar is never going to keep his word. Ridley tosses Damodar the Rod of Savrille, to which Damodar predictably replies, "Kill them." Long pause. "Slowly."

Unfortunately for Damodar, he has just given these orders to members of the Crimson Brigade, who don't exactly shine in the skill and competence department. Ridley and his friends begin to effortlessly kick the brigade's asses, but Damodar doesn't really care, and simply strides triumphantly from the field, leaving his flunkies to get sliced, diced and pummeled. He opens another dim door -- hey! I thought he was a fighter, not a mage... and disappears, but fortunately for us and civilization in general, Ridley leaps through just before it closes, leaving his buddies behind to finish off the Crimson Mook Brigade. You ever notice that the dimension doors in this movie always stay open just long enough for someone besides the caster to rush through? You'd think they'd build in some kind of safeguard to prevent that...

So at last the long-awaited reunion of master and subbie is imminent. Damodar appears on the wizards' tower, smiling smugly, and presents the gleeful Profion with his prize. Profion takes it with very poor grace and starts to turn around...

Profion and the Izmerian battle mage corps. We're not impressed.

"You said you'd set me free!" Damodar hisses, but Profion only has eyes for the Bong of Savrille. He continues to stride away, leaving Damodar fuming.

"Now WHAT ABOUT MY HEAD?????!!!" Damodar bellows.

Now there is one piggie little slave, arriving back at his master's domain right in the middle of an important meeting and demanding "head."

Profion would be justified if he just tied Damodar up in the dungeon and punished him after the battle, but he proves surprisingly magnanimous, idly casting a quick spell that causes Damodar to writhe around for a while, and in the process killing his cute little brain-worms. Damodar looks well satisfied with this, and now the battle can go on.

Look at Profion! His eyes follow you around the room!

"Come Damodar!" Profion declares. "To the Roof of Sunvar!!"

Damn. In Izmer they even name the roofs. I'm impressed.

Up in the sky, the empress is busy flying her gold dragon mount around, dodging fireballs and taking potshots at the wizards below. She doesn't look all that excited to be riding a dragon, but then who would? It's not as exciting as that McCaffrey babe makes it sound. Dragons don't really have anything resembling a suspension system, and they weren't really bred to carry passengers, so if you're on the back of a dragon, you'd better be strapped in real good, or you're going to be taking a long trip straight down the minute the beasty decides to make any maneuvers at all.

Up on the Roof of Sunvar, Profion waves the Rod of Savrille around and starts spouting off spells that sound as if he's got a bone stuck in his throat. They seem to work, however, as an aereal army of ferocious red CGI-dragons appears and starts laying into the empress' forces with a vengeance.

Actually, the fight between the red and gold dragons is pretty cool, and provides the movie with its few truly exciting moments. Unfortunately, the empress' part of the fight isn't terribly interesting, as she just continues to hold on for dear life and look vaguely distracted. The reds descend upon the golds and it looks as if the forces of good are finally on the run.

This is obviously the moment Prof's been dreaming of for years. "MmmMMMMYYY DESsssssTINY!!!" he declares, grinning madly while Damodar stands beside him and tries to look like a young Communist in a Soviet propaganda poster.

At this point Ridley appears, having followed Damodar through the magical wormhole. He sees what our now-very-much-in-love villain couple is up to and shouts Damodar's name.

At last, Damodar faces justice. Not for killing Snails, though. That was cool.

Now armed with a nasty-looking big-ass sword (I'd say it was a keen fiery burst greatsword +3), Damodar turns and the battle of the century is on. Mind you, it doesn't hold a candle to the big swordfight at the end of Deathstalker 2, but it holds it own. Ridley is driven by his own innate sense of justice, coupled with a burning desire for vengeance upon the man who killed his best friend. Damodar, on the other hand, just wants to finally shut this little twerp up. As it turns out, they are evenly matched.

As for us, we're really not sure who to root for. Sure, Ridley represents the forces of good and justice, and as a reformed rogue who now feels a higher calling, and wishes to defend all that is right and honorable. Sure, he's the underdog who never gave up, and who has learned that his unreasoning hatred of mages is as destructive as the mages themselves. Sure he's lost a friend and has learned to love again. But on the other hand, Damodar killed Snails, and for that we should be truly grateful. Who cares if he's the willing love-slave of an overacting British ham? Who cares if he uses blue lipstick and overacts to beat the band? He killed Snails! Shouldn't that count for something?

Well, it's a more even fight than I'd have expected, especially given that Ridley probably hasn't gained more than a couple of fighter levels in the course of the film. Ridley holds his own (as we intercut between the clash of the titans and the poor empress hanging onto her dragon for dear life), and actually draws some blood.

"Oh look," he hisses. "I've cut you. What a shame!" Sorry, Ridley-boy, you're gonna have to ham it up a lot more than that if you're ever going to be in Damodar and Profion's league.

Please don't let this be what it looks like, either...

So the fight progresses, with the two magic swords striking sparks, lots of dramatic shouts and grimaces, and eventually Ridley is forced to win as only ar rogue can, by making a successful Tumble check and landing right behind Damodar, then gaining maximum sneak attack damage since his opponent is deprived of his Dex bonus. AND he manages to roll an a natural 20 and confirm the crit!

In short, Damodar is worm-food. Ridley snarls in his ear, Damodar flaps his blue lips around, and eventually Ridley flings him off the tower, in an ironic echo of poor Snails' demise. That'll show him, the big meanie!

Though his blue-lipped lover has taken the big plunge off the tall tower, Profion is not terribly downhearted (probably because he didn't even notice). He's waving the rod around, snarling, biting and spitting.

"You can run, your ladyship," he exults, "BUT YOU'LL NEVER RUN FAAAR ENOUGH!!!!"

I don't think any of us can run far enough to escape the horrible curse of this movie, but that doesn't stop us from trying.

But Profion's not finished. He flings his arms skyward and shouts, "Let their BLOOD rain from the SKYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Sheesh, Profion... You're about to find that overacting carries the death penalty in Izmer.

Ridley sees Profion's performance, and is so disgusted at witnessing an Oscar-winner embarassing himself, and leaps upon Profion, knocking him to the ground (by the way, this is the first time that Profion and Ridley have met, but they act as if they've known each other for years).

"You'll pay for that, boy!" says Profion. "Do you really think you can steal MY destiny? I'll invent a NEW destiny, especially for you. Full of pain. A new KIND of pain and new senses to feel it with."

Oh, for the love of the gods, Profion, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???

I realize that this request is doomed to be unfulfilled, at least until the forces of good wreck their sacred vengeance, but it at least feels good to say once in a while...

Ridley refuses to budge. "Not if I kill you first," he whines.

Profion conjures a badass-looking staff and hisses, "This will be a REAL pleasure..."

But not as big a pleasure as wasting Snails, but unfortunately Profion wasn't in on that one...

Well, Ridley has probably lost a few hit points after his death struggle with Blue-lips, but hell, Profion's a wizard, right? Only d4 hit points per level?

Unfortunately, you have to actually hit someone to do damage, and Prof is able to easily batter aside Ridley's wild sword blows with his Staff of Badassness. This is all going on, mind you, while a combination of the Battle of Britain and the assault on the Death Star is going on in the background. Hundreds of dragons are wheeling through the sky, blasting each other with fireballs and engaging in a ferocious life and death struggle. Jeez, all that cool stuff is going on over there, and we're supposed to be interested in what these two losers are doing? Sheesh.

Profion must have a couple of fighter levels in addition to wizard, since he easily gains the upper hand. He knocks Ridley to the ground, and is about to deliver the deathblow when -- suddenly -- Ridley's buddies show up (how'd they get there so fast?). One after the other -- Marina, the Dwarf, Norda -- Profion takes them down without even breaking a sweat. Fortunately for Ridley, this buys him enough time to come up with a cunning plan.

"Hey mage!" he shouts, holding up the Rod of Savrille, which I gues Profion dropped and forgot to retrieve. "Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?"

I'm in American Beauty and you're not! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

Huh? What the hell is he talking about? They're all medium-sized creatures, even the dwarf.

Not realizing that Ridley's finally got him over a barrel, Profion continues with his overconfident chuckling, challenging Ridley to actually use the rod. As usual, Profion's proving that he has a high Intelligence but a low Wisdom, since Ridley obviously maxed out his skill ranks in Use Magical Device (a Rogue's class skill, after all), and is quickly able to control the staff and tell the red dragons to beat it.

Marina urges him to command the dragons to kill Profion, but of course our hero is made of sterner stuff... It's one of those absolute power moments when the hero can gain victory by turning down the path of evil, but doesn't. He throws the rod on the ground and smashes it with his sword (that thing must have had a loooow Break DC).

(You know, just once I'd like to see the hero say, "Oh, cool. I have the ultimate power. Now I'm gonna kill the bad guy and take his place. Heh, heh, heh..." Where I come from, that happens all the fucking time...)

Before Profion can carp too much about the destruction of his precioius rod, the empress shows up, clad in her splendid gold armor. Profion turns around, oozing insincere charm and the kind of excessively polite overacting that only the British can master and bows, drooling, "Yooooourrrr majessstyyyyy..."

"It's over, Profion," she says, as wooden and uninspired as ever.

"The battle may be, your majesty," he says. "Maybe. But not..."

He pauses, dramatically...

What's he gonna say? I wonder...

"THE WAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!"

Yeah, yeah. The battle's over, but not the war. Very original, Profion.

Prof shouts some more of those bone-in-the-throat verbal components, and conjures some kind of bony dragon thing like the one that scared Snails at the beginning of the movie. Only this one's really scarry, since it attacks the empress and looks like it's about to finish her off when, with the last of her strength, she grabs her scepter, raises her sweet little pouty-lipped head and summons her dragon mount, which wastes no time chowing down on the surprised-looking Profion.

"Hey, Profion! Look out for that dragon!" "What dragon? I'm not falling for that old... Oh. That dragon..."

Okay, both of the villains are dead, the gold dragons can leave, the heroes, none the worse for the wear, gaze out over the ruined city, we pull back, the music swells...

And as is so often the case, the fucking movie isn't over yet. Crap.

"People of Izmer," says the empress in voiceover, "at long last, I do declare that you are now all equal. Let the celebration begin."

Yes, it's that easy. Too bad Lincoln didn't try that one back in '62; it could have saved you people a lot of bother.

Well, somone's being a gloomy gus and not celebrating, as we discover when we pan down into a picturesque cemetery, where Ridley -- now clad in very becoming black leather and Fabio-style shirt -- stands sadly beside a pile of rocks.

Well, not just any pile of rocks, as we quickly discover. No, this isn't just any pile of rocks. It's a pile of rocks with Snails' name on it. We assume it's his grave, but it may be a fake intended to thwart would-be desecrators.

Ridley sadly addresses his dead friend. "You hear that, buddy? That's for you." *sniff* *snort* *sob* "Nothing's going to be the same without you."

I'll say. Life will be a good deal more pleasant.

"I just hope, wherever you are... You know that you did make a difference. You helped things change." Ridley then kneels down and leaves the Eye of the Dragon on the pile of stones.

After the death of Snails, Ridley took to wearing black leather armor and embraced an entirely new lifestyle. His friends were puzzled, but said nothing.

Yeah, right. How long do you think that's going to sit there before some enterprising young rogue just "happens" to pick it up "as a souvenir"? Jeez.

So, Ridley is mourning over the loss of his friend, while the rest of us are busy exulting. Despite being a fantasy character, Snails managed to set back all the gains made by African-American actors by about 50 years.

At this point, Ridley remembers that he has an important appointment, and really has to get going -- his own knighting ceremony, dontcha know... So, cheery-ho and pip-pip, Snails old boy... It's been a slice, but now is the time to say...

No, wait a minute... As Ridley starts to take off, a mysterious wind begins to swirl the leaves of the cemetery around. Ridley looks puzzled (wind always puzzles me, after all). As he stares at Snails' grave, a strange and wondrous thing occurs -- Snails' name vanishes from the rock! And the Eye of the Dragon lights up with a wondrous red glow! The music soars as Ridley and his companions stare in wonder!

Ridley looks quizzically at Norda, who shushes him and tells him not to question a gift. She pauses dramatically, then says, "Your friend awaits you."

Are they saying... No... No! It can't be!!!

She means that SNAILS IS ALIVE! Oh, merciful gods, please let it be a lie! Please let the Dark Lord and his demon legions arise and cover the land in darkness! Let the foul pits of hell open up and spew forth their evil progeny! Let Battlefield Earth win Best Picture! But no, please.... DON'T LET SNAILS BE ALIVE!!!!

Go go, Power Rangers!

Well, apparently we're to be disappointed, as all four of the companions look at the gemstone in wonder and seem to accept the fact that Snails' twisted corpse has crawled from its grave pretty easily. They all slap their hands on the Eye of the Dragon and are transformed into sparkly little Tinker Bell lights that soar through the cemetery and off into the big, wide world of adventure. The End.

WHAT THE FUCK???? What happened? What kind of shitty ending is that? Not only do we discover that the most vile and repulsive comedy relief character in history isn't really dead, we also don't have any explanation as to why, or how the HELL that stupid, fucking gem turns them all into flying clouds of pixie dust? Gods and demons, man... WHAT WERE THESE PEOPLE THINKING???

And so, our pain has at last ended, and we're left to ponder this reeking trainwreck of a movie. Whose fault is it? Who is to blame? And how do we see to it that they never make another movie again?

Was it the cast? No way could it have been the cast. I've gone on a lot about what a distinguished lot of actors and actresses were trapped in this thing, and how truly awful their acting was. My personal theory is that Jeremy Irons initially tried to play the movie straight, in his usual reserved manner, and our venerable director decided that he wasn't evil enough. "No, no, Jeremy, Baby," I can hear him saying. "Take it from me... Ya gotta play it more evil! No, more evil than that! I mean EVIL! Real evil! Over the top evil! Give me all the evil I can stand, babe!" And of course, Jeremy got tired of this and finally figured, "Okay, if this moron wants evil, I'll fucking well give him evil!" and then proceeded to have lunch on the scenery and cast members. It's the only explanation I can think of. He doesn't seem the least bit excited to be in this cow.

For proof of this, just take a gander at the deleted scenes on the DVD. One of the scenes features a cameo by D&D codesigner Dave Arneson, playing, would you believe it, one of the ineffectual Izmerian wizards. Don't watch him, though... watch Jeremy Irons. When the director shouts "Action!" he contorts his body, twists his face, claws at the heavens, holds up the Bong of Savrille and explodes, "It is MMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY DEEEESSSSSSSSSTINNNNYYYYYYYYYY!" The director then yells "cut," and the distinguished Mr. Irons stalks off the set with a horrible expression on his face, as if to say, "I'm going to find my agent and when I do, he'll find the Rod of Savrille lodged in a very uncomfortable spot indeed!"

As this film has no nudity, I thought that I would make up for it with this picture of a naked mole rat.

Poor Jeremy. He has since recovered from this debacle very nicely, winning raves for The Merchant of Venice, and acting in the remake of Night of the Iguana and the upcoming medieval epic Kingdom of Heaven. Of course, he also played the "uber-morlock" in the Guy Pierce version of The Time Machine, but no one's perfect.

Then there's Marlon Wayans, scion of one of the most talented comedy families in the country. Though he's mainly a comedian, he's done some serious stuff, and -- as I've previously mentioned -- his performance in Requiem for a Dream will break your heart. What possessed him to play such a demeaning role in such a crappy movie? I doubt the money was all that good.

And Thora Birch, of course. She looks and acts about 13 in this movie, and it's entirely possible that she when she realized how bad the movie was she threatened to walk, the director and his thugs held her down and drugged her, which may account for her sleepy-eyed, incoherent acting style. She too has gone on to better things, and we can only hope that this flick remains a skeleton in her closet.

When Dungeons and Dragons was first released, Justin Whalin was best known for playing Jimmy Olsen on the TV series Lois and Clark. Unfortunately for Mr. Whalin, he is still best known for playing Jimmy Olsen on the TV series Lois and Clark. That his career appears to still be a bit, well, sluggish hopefully can't be blamed on his appearance in this little gem.

I am so pleased that you will be in the sequel, Damodar. So very, very pleased...

As for the other folks in this film, from Richard O'Brien to Tom Baker and even -- yes -- Bruce Payne, they've all done far better films before, and will most likley do far better films in the future, so maybe the specter of Dungeons and Dragons won't haunt the rest of ther careers...

No, wait a second. A quick check of imdb.com reveals the following terrifying information:

Dungeons and Dragons 2: The Elemental Might (2005; post-production)
Based on the phenomenally successful role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons 2 takes you deeper into the dark and fantastical world of this fantasy epic. When the evil sorcerer Damodar braves a perilous whirlwind vortex to steal the elemental black orb he declares a sinister plan of vengeance against the kingdom of Ismir. Berek, a decorated warrior, and Melora, an amateur sorceress join four heroes representing Intelligence, Wisdom, Honor and Strength to battle against Damodar's growing army of gruesome creatures, flying harpies and an ice dragon to reach a vault room holding the orb. Together, they build their own army to retrieve the orb using elemental forces to defeat Damodar before he summons the sleeping black dragon whose omnipotent evil powers could lay waste to the entire kingdom.

This future classic will star Mark Dymond (who was in the Bond flick Die Another Day), Clemency Burton-Hill (who was in something called La Femme Musketeer) and none other than Bruce Payne (who was in... well, you know what he was in) playing the evil Damodar.

Damodar? Wait a minute? The same Damodar? Blue lips? Fruity black armor? Tapeworms in his head? Didn't he take the long dive at the end of this movie and go splat?

Well, I guess we never did see the body, did we?

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Sword and Sorcery Rating:

2 Broadswords
Not much of a story here, and given the wealth of D&D-related material that's been published over the years, they could have done a hell of a lot better. Basically a "Plot Coupons" type story, in which the heroes have to get a number of things before the bad guys do. Given a cast that includes Academy Award winner Jeremy Irons, veteran fan faves Richard O'Brian and Tom Baker, and newcomers Thora Birch and Marlon Wayans, both of whom went on to make a pair of classic films in American Beauty and White Chicks... No, excuse me... I mean Requiem for a Dream, I'd have expected far more from this turkey. Ah, well... Maybe the sequel will be better. Gods, what the HELL am I saying? It's going to blow even worse than this one...

Comedy Rating:

4 Broadswords
Once, in a video store, I found this movie filed under "Comedy." This is one of the most unintentionally funny movies I've ever seen, thanks in large part to the tireless efforts of the great Jeremy Irons, who shows that even the finest master thespians can overact like drama school newbies. Marlon Wayans' Steppin Fetchit act is just plain offensive, however. The rest of the players are out-acted by the cast of Deathstalker 2.

Titillation Rating:

0 Broadswords (heterosexual or lesbian)
Zero. Zilch. Nada.

3 Broadswords (male homosexual)
The tension between Profion and Damodar sets the screen on fire, while Ridley and Snails' relationship seems tame in comparison. While Damodar is definitely Profion's sub, his desire to make Ridley his bitch makes the one of the all-time classics of repressed homosexual desire, right up there with The Last Samurai and Top Gun.

Special Bonus Rating:

1 Broadsword for Faithfulness to Source Material
So, the director was a faithful D&D player and has been trying to get this movie made for years, huh? If so, where the hell is the real Dungeons and Dragons content? Aside from the dragons and some of the standard D&D races, there's nary a trace of the things that make D&D great, such as character classes, spell books, magic items, bizarre monsters or even any dungeons worthy of the name. Sure, they had beholders, but those were obviously slapped in later when the fortress scene came out so lame. Nope. If you're looking for a Dungeons and Dragons movie, this ain't it. Try Hawk the Slayer or something.

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