For the record, I'm pretty well versed in the cultures of this world. I got a crash course when my creator locked me in a hotel room with a satellite cable TV and forced me to watch for a week or so. Yes, I'm aware of the existence of video, DVDs, computers, automobiles, aircraft, MTV, Al Queda and boy bands. I know who Brittney Spears is and I'm reasonably familiar with Hugh Heffner and Barbi Benton (that will be important later). All I can say is that after a few weeks in this world, I'm eager to get back to my old barbaric stomping ground where the only thing you have to worry about is whether the local orc lord has taken an interest in buggery and decided that you would make a swell new boy-toy.
So they've set me up back in Thystra with everything I need. Livia's tasked a couple of elementals to power the TV and DVD player, and though the VCR works fine, I can't seem to get it to stop flashing "12:00" all the time. With this in mind, consider the experience I just had in watching what I am assured is one of the classics of sword-and-sorcery cinema - the mighty Deathstalker, the Last Great Warrior King.
This flick (that's what they call them, right? "Flicks"?) stars blonde beefcake barbarian Rick Hill, former playmate (and Hugh Hefner's longtime girlfriend - see? I told you it would be important) Barbi Benton, Richard Brooker (whose chief claim to fame was apparently playing someone named "Jason" in a couple of movies about a guy wearing a hockey mask), and the late Lana Clarkson, known today as the woman who may or may not have been shot by legendary record producer Phil Spectre. Just think - a few months ago I didn't even know what a record was, let alone a record producer. Gods.
Deathstalker doesn't waste any time with trivialities like "20th Century Vole Presents…" or "A Samuel L. Bronkowitz Production…", but instead jumps immediately to the title, just in case you forgot what movie you rented. BTW, there's no "the last great warrior king" here. That's on the box only.
As the credits roll, we're subjected to slow-mo pictures of ugly guys in bad costumes leaping over the camera… Thank the gods that this is in the days after undergarments were invented. The ragged swordsmen amble around some ruins for a while, holding wooden swords and axes and looking menacing. Their appearance leads me to suspect that there may have been an orc or two in some of their woodpiles, but I'll let that one go for now.
So there's a guy in a furry vest with a captive woman. The half-orcs attack the guy and chase him off, leaving the ugliest of their number to have his way with the slave-chick. While fleeing, furry vest guy runs into a brawny bronzed blonde barbarian, who looks kind of like Prince Charming from Shrek 2. Eventually - surprise! - blondie and furry-vest guy join forces and make short work of the half-orcs, including the one holding the captive chickie, whom blondie spears in the neck with an arrow.
Well, blondie doesn't turn out to be a terribly useful ally, since he kills furry-vest guy and takes his loot, grimly saying, "This just isn't your day, is it?"
Now at last, the victor claims his spoils… In this case the slave chickie, whom he unties (nice guy), then subsequently undresses (wait a minute…), starts feeling her up and then begins tonsil-jousinting with. Just as he's about to unhitch his drawers (this is very difficult to do in action, believe me), an old guy shows up from nowhere and demands to know blondie's name. Blondie tells him to "wait outside" (no mean feat, since in this movie everywhere is "outside"), but when he turns around to finish untying his breeches, the slave chickie has buggered off. Damn.
To this Blondie mutters, "This isn't my day either." In other words, easy come, easy go. The motto of fantasy barbarians everywhere.
Outside is a rather tattered looking camp where a somewhat tattered-looking king is holding court. He is the rightful ruler of the land, he says, and his court magician Munkar has taken over. A brave man could enter Munkar's castle, he says, and kill the usurper.
"You'd need a fool," says Blondie.
"Not a fool," replies the king. "A hero."
At this point, there's a sudden explosion of choral music and the camera zooms in on Blondie's sweaty, chiseled features. I kept waiting for a halo of light to appear around his head, but I guess that type of FX were too expensive. I guess that means that Blondie is the hero. Which I guess means he's Deathstalker, though we haven't learned his name yet.
In any event, Blondie/Deathstalker turns the king down, even after the king reveals that his daughter is being held captive by Munkar and his evil minions (remember this; it's probably important later). He walks away, leaving the king fuming.
Cut to the fortress of evil… You can tell it's evil because it's dark, foreboding and ominous. One wonders what it looked like before the forces of evil took over. Did they redecorate, perhaps, or was the castle always that gloomy? If so, it's not surprising that the good guys moved out.
A screaming woman is being carried down the corridor by a couple of guards, who deposit her on the ground none too gently and say (conveniently), "Things have changed since your father's reign, haven't they, princess???" Yup, it's the bountifully-endowed Barbi Benton as the captive princess. Now that would certainly motivate me to go kill the evil sorcerer. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea.
The princess has been deposited in a room full of naked woman, which implies that she's now part of someone's harem of slave girls. Mind you, I wouldn't fight if someone threw me into a harem, but the princess is apparently made of sterner stuff, and puts up a bit of a fuss until the sadistic guards finally knock her out.
Next there's a scene of evil horsemen dragging a bound captive behind them. I guess they're dragging the guy to show how evil they are, because once he fetches up against a tree we never see him again (at least not until his reappearance in Deathstalker 2, but that's another review). Now the evil horsemen arrive at the hut of Toralva, the old witch woman.
"I want the sword! I am Kang, general of the great lord Munkar!" cries the leader.
"Be on your way," replies the old crone. "I will not give you the sword!"
Now, out of nowhere, Deathstalker charges into the fray, distracting the evil horsemen. The witch woman, in a triumph of special effects, is holding a staff in one shot, and an enormous boa constrictor in the next. She intones, "Transform staff into serpent!" so that we'll figure it out, then actually hands the snake to Kang.
Yes, she hands it to him, since it's obvious that he's taking the poor frightened reptile out of her hands and winding it around his own neck. For its part, the snake is probably saying, "Get me the hell off this picture! I wanna talk to my agent!" but all to no avail.
"Have a taste of my magic, Kang!" growls the old woman as the general writhes unconvincingly in the coils of the very groggy and scared snake and Deathstalker engages in mortal combat with the two remaining horsemen.
Like the villains in most of these films, the bad guy horsemen are handicapped by wearing helmets that effectively render them deaf and blind, and are easily dispatched by our helmet- (and for the most part clothing-) free hero. Given how successful near-naked warriors are in films like this, I'm beginning to suspect that armor is actually more trouble than it's worth.
Meanwhile, Kang's still struggling with the snake, which really isn't that big (Zamalya the snakedancer had one that must have been four times as big as this one for her act back at the Golden Manticore Inn in Godshome… damn, that woman could dance…). He escapes, however, by using a magical amulet to turn himself into a hawk. Deathstalker tries to grab the amulet away, but is evidently too big and musclebound to do more than gawp helplessly as Kang wings his way back to Munkar's loving arms.
The witch (who actually looks a little like Beetlejuice) explains that the amulet is one of the "Three Powers of Creation", two of which are controlled by Munkar. The third one is - surprise - a sword. The witch then tells Deathstalker how to find the Sword of Justice, which he can use to take back the Amulet of Life and the third item, the Chalice of Magic, and thus reunite the three powers and usher in a new golden age of peace and prosperity, in which everyone will live happily in gumdrop houses and no one will ever be unhappy ever again. We get a glimpse of Munkar amid all of this, and the guy looks kind of like a low-rent Ming the Merciless. One of these days someone will show an evil sorcerer who has hair and dresses in bright colors, but not in this movie.
With this information in hand, Deathstalker sets off on his quest. I guess a dethroned king doesn't get this guy's heart racing, but an old crone who spins a fairy tale about three powerful artifacts does. She probably told him that the Sword of Justice was actually a Hackmaster +12.
Deathstalker eventually locates a cave where the keeper of the Sword of Justice dwells. It looks kind of like the treasure cave from Dungeons and Dragons, and Deathstalker is forced to kneewalk his way inside. There he meets an adorable little troll named Salmaron, whom he asks for the sword. The troll gripes about being stuck in the cave eating mice, bats and bugs, but before he can finish, a nasty ogre attacks. The troll takes pity on Deathstalker and throws him the sword, which he uses to drive off the ogre.
Deathstalker and Salmaron then sit down and complain about how unfair life is. Salmaron was once a mighty human warrior, he says, but was cursed by Munkar. He begs Deathstalker to help him. He can only be set free by "a boy who is not a boy."
What happens next is a little confusing. Evidently the power of the sword turns Deathstalker into a boy, and he leads the unfortunate Salmaron out of the cave, where the troll falls into the river, turns into a rather unpleasant-looking human and Deathstalker turns back into his hunky blond self.
Now we cut away from 'Stalker and his new friend, to the heroic Oghris, a second-string hero who is busy rescuing maidens from more orcish-looking thugs. He fails miserably and is about to be gutted when Deathstalker comes riding out of the mists, butchers the bandits, wipes his sword off on his pant leg with a flourish, then kills more bandits. One of them must have been carrying his lunch because apparently, Deathstalker stabs him right in the juice box, squirting purplish fluid all over his sword.
The last bandit tries to run, but the ever-heroic Oghris, better late than never, chases him down and butchers him.
Rather than sarcastically thanking Oghris for running down and killing the last bandit as he tried to escape, Deathstalker engages his new friend in conversation, learning that Oghris is bound for Munkar's castle, where a great tournament is underway. The greatest warriors of the land have been called to battle, and the winner will have the dubious distinction of being Munkar's heir, inheritor of all his secrets. He'll probably have to shave his head and dress in black all the time, too.
That night, our companions are chowing down and discussing their mutual philosophies of life, when they hear someone prowling around the camp. Oghris once more shows himself to be the Snails of the group, since a mysterious cloaked figure gets the drop on him, until Deathstalker steps in once more to save Oghris' bacon.
Having been once more humiliated by having Deathstalker rescue him from certain death, Oghris then attacks the cloaked figure and the two battle it out in the moonlight. Of course Oghris once more gets his clock cleaned, and as the cloaked figure steps back, the cloak flies open revealing a nice pair of breasts and an aerobicized tummy. When she throws her hood back, we see that our mysterious intruder is none other than the amazon warrioress Kaira, who wants to show she's as good as any barbarian warrior by fighting just as naked as the men do. Of course, this band joins forces, though obviously Oghris' masculinity is threatened by Kaira's obvious superiority with a sword.
There's a quick shot of the harem, with the princess complaining loudly, mostly to show off some naked starlets and to remind the audience that there's a princess to be rescued, then we're back with Munkar, who is feeding slave-boys' eyeballs to his voracious pet handpuppet demon-thingie. Once more, we're reminded of just how very, very Evil this guy is. A guard tells him that Deathstalker is coming, to which Munkar replies, "Very good!" Sounds as if Munkar has something up his sleeve besides a handpupped demon-thingie.
Okay, now to the good stuff. After an acquaintance of maybe 20 minutes or so, Deathstalker and Kaira are busy humping like mad in the bushes while Salmaron watches with evident satisfaction. Kaira at least manages to fake it convincingly, leaving Deathstalker to slap himself on the back and reassure himself that he really is a man after all, and that the big sword is nothing more than a weapon, and not compensation for perceived shortcomings.
In the local Renaissance Faire that has sprung up outside Munkar's castle, nubile females are being gathered for the sorcerer-king's pleasure. This is no big surprise - most of the evil sorcerer-kings I've known have done this sort of thing, though there was this one Necrotian illusionist who demanded that his orcish minions gather up all the nubile sheep of the village, but that's another story - what is a surprise is that this culture, though apparently primitive, is actually advanced enough to have invented thong underwear.
At last our heroes arrive in the village, and of course head to the place where most thirsty adventurers go - the tavern. Here, there's the usual selection of ne'er do wells and thugs, along with more guards with nasty-looking halberds and more deaf-and-blind helmets.
This tavern is different, however, since it features naked female mud-wrestling. And here I thought this was entirely an invention from late 20th-century earth. There are also a bunch of guys carrying around screaming, kicking wenches, throwing them down on the floor and apparently having their way with them. This is a real problem, I admit. They finally had to start putting up "NO RAPING" signs at my favorite watering hole in Stoneburg, and throwing guys out if they tried to ravage the barmaids. Again, I think that Deathstalker's world is a little less advanced than mine.
The tavern scene is pretty long and pointless, featuring a big burly guy jumping in with the mud wrestling babes (the last time I tried that I ended up in a trash heap with a couple of loose incisors), the appearance of a pig-faced warrior (another sub-species of orc, I understand) and lots and lots of gratuitous breast- and buttock-shots. Mostly of women.
Our heroes hang out and take in the local color. Kaira kicks a brunette tramp off of Deathstalker's lap, apparently playing the usual I-slept-with-you-once-now-you're-my-boyfriend game (I speak from bitter experience here, believe me). All the while, the evil Munkar watches from the shadows and apparently plots against Deathstalker. He finally appears in all his glory, overacting like a champ and welcoming all the warriors to his kingdom. He really does look like an overweight, nerdy Ming the Merciless, even with his stupid scalp tattoo.
He tells the assembled fighters that all he has is theirs to share: "Food, drink…." (long pause and lascivious smirk) "… women." To prove his point, he has the unfortunate Princess Codille dragged into the room, clad in a filmy pegnoire and chained to the wall for the warrior's pleasure. Who will be the first? Munkar asks.
Yeah, it's the pig-faced orc guy. He snarls and drools and grunts with lust, advancing on poor princess Barbi, whose expressions of terror look more like laughter. Well, the other barbarians aren't about to take sloppy seconds after pigboy, so the mud-wrestling guy steps in to challenge the orc. Inexplicably, Oghris then shoves someone into someone else, which leads to a tavern-wide brawl, in which another dumb-looking outlander tries to rip the princess' clothes off, a thug tries to molest Kaira (with predictable results) and about six warriors get together and try to drygulch pigboy. And oh, yeah, there's even more gratuitous butt-shots.
As for Deathstalker, he just sits around looking bored, letting Kaira go to rescue the princess. Of course, after Kaira does all the work - I still think she's the best fighter in the group, and I've known some pretty good ones - Deathstalker unchains the princess and tries to carry her out, only to be intercepted by Munkar and his thugs. Munkar tells Deathstalker that he can have his way with the bounteous Barbi, and says he'll come back to get her later. The brawl resumes, and we're treated to more fighting, butt-shots and screaming half-naked women. Pigboy rips a guy's arm off and then beats another guy over the head with it (Violent Bahb used to do that a lot. I wonder what happened to him?).
And so the night of revels comes to a confused conclusion. Later, Munkar is busy feeding his demon handpuppet (apparently its name is Howard) fingers and laughing maniacally for no reason. I've known a lot of evil overlords who did that. I think it has something to do with the stress of the job. Ruling the world and spreading evil is a very hard thing to do, despite the obvious benefits. Sometimes the only way you can break the tension is with a good "Bwahahahahahahaha!"
Munkar tells his Number One Flunky (whose name I've missed) that Deathstalker will not live to compete in the tournament. In fact, Munkar continues, once more breaking one of the cardinal rules of villainy by laying out his plans in graphic detail, there will be no winners. Once all of the greatest warriors in the land are slain, he will simply kill the winner, and then no one will be powerful enough to oppose him.
On the surface, this appears to be a sound plan. On the other hand, if he's living in a country where all the decent fighters have killed each other, he could probably be conquered by an army of cub scouts with sharpened sticks. Munkar is another one of those evil overlords who simply doesn't think his plans through.
Anyway, Munkar wants Flunky Number One to go kill Deathstalker before the tournament. Using his magic, Munkar transforms his flunky into the likeness of Princess Codille. Flunky doesn't seem to like it at first, though once the transformation is complete he seems a little less anxious. I have to admit that the time that I switched bodies with Livia the Sorceress things did get interesting, but in the end I think I'm pretty comfortable with my gender.
So Flunky-turned-Princess is dispatched to go off Deathstalker. But, Munkar warns, he must kill Deathstalker when "the sword is not in his hand." Frankly, the double-entendre possibilities of that line are too numerous to mention.
So, clad in a fetching maroon negligee, the disguised flunky sneaks into Deathstalker's quarters, where the big drunken galoot starts pawing him/her shamelessly, and eventually starts stripping down, removing his sword belt first. Princess/flunk draws his/her dagger but Deathstalker's too quick, and wrestles him/her to the bed. Oh gods, no. Please don't let this scene go where I think it's going…
After some ferocious resistance, the fake princess finally admits that she's not what she seems, after which Deathstalker throws her out, where she runs into Kaira, who thinks she's the princess and tells her "We'll get you some clothes and get you out of here." Why the hell would she do something like that, anyway? No one else in this flick wears clothes…
Unfortunately, the fake princess reveals her true colors and transforms back into Flunky Number One, battles Kaira and is finally run through, though in the process he mortally wounds the unfortunate amazon, who expires in Deathstalker's arms. Damn. I liked her. She reminded me of a Lastland mercenary woman I knew once… Gods, what a nice set of…
Sorry, my mind wandered.
The next morning, those of the warriors who aren't terminally hung over or dead enter the castle in a grand procession. We cut quickly to the tournament, which will never hold a candle to Gladiator, but has some okay sequences anyway. Mind you, this is the kingdom of Low Budget, so the fights take place in a cleared patch of dirt surrounded by crowds and a couple of fake walls.
Oghris (clad in an even less masculine-looking outfit) has his bout and fights a guy who's armed exactly the same as he is, which hardly seems fair. He does pretty well, but really seems to enjoy kicking his opponent. Eventually he runs the poor guy through and proceeds to the next round. I still think the guy's a wannabe. Deathstalker doesn't fight, or at least we never see him fight, and then we cut back to the evil castle at night.
Salmaron (remember him?) gets caught sneaking around and escapes by climbing out a window, falling several stories and landing kersplash in the pond in the middle of the harem chamber. Yeah, right. This happens to us adventurers all the time. We get more butt shots as the women bend over the pool looking at the drenched Salmaron.
Meanwhile Munkar is entertaining himself in the torture chamber, where he finds Oghris tied to the wheel. How the hell did he get there, anyway? The movie isn't explaining, so I guess it's for us to find out.
Munkar releases Oghris and tells him that he wants Deathstalker dead. Oghris readily agrees. "I am his friend, after all," he says.
Damn, that was quick. What happened? Was Oghris tortured until he changed allegiances, or was he always a greedy bastard waiting to stab Deathstalker in the back? The world may never know.
Oghris then goes to Deathstalker's bedroom (hubba-hubba) and advises him to leave, telling him that Munkar plans to kill him. For no apparent reason, Deathstalker then puts down the Sword of Justice and attacks Oghris. They rassle for a while, both refusing to grab the sword (it's a man thing, I guess). Eventually, Deathstalker flings Oghris down on the bed, leaps on top of him, and…
No, wait a minute. None of that stuff. They fight some more and finally Deathstalker breaks Oghris' neck. Of course he does say "Goodbye my friend," and the brunette bimbo that Oghris has been schtupping cries piteously, but it still seems kind of harsh since Oghris never really betrayed Deathstalker.
The next day (continuity on this flick has just gone completely out the palace tower window) the tournament resumes. Deathstalker's pretty much alone by now - Kaira is a shish kebob, Oghris' neck got broken, and Salmaron is nowhere to be found (last seen in the harem fish pond surrounded by naked women).
It looks as if Deathstalker has reached the finals, even though we haven't seen him fight in the tournament yet. His opponent is… you guessed it, Pigboy. Though he's big, ugly, sweaty and probably smells like a troll rugby team's locker room, Pigboy falls to Deathstalker's mighty blade. There's more spurting grape juice and our hero (?) stands triumphant, all sweaty and bloody and ruggedly handsome in a barbaric kinda way.
Suddenly, the movie takes another huge and inexplicable jump. One moment, Deathstalker is standing before the reviewing stand looking triumphant, the next he's sneaking down the corridors of Munkar's fortress, while elsewhere Munkar caresses the chalice and mutters to himself.
More guys in restrictive helmets fan out across the palace, searching for Deathstalker, eventually rousting the poor gals in the harem. Fortunately, the harem babes are armed and, with the help of Salmaron and the mud wrestling guy (again, where the hell did he come from??) drive off the guards and apparently trigger a palace revolt.
Deathstalker wanders around for a while until he finds a room where the Amulet of Magic is hanging from the ceiling (luuuuucky!). As he reaches for it, the evil Kang (remember him?) sneaks up behind him, knocks the Sword of Justice out of Stalker's hands and tries to kill him with an axe but fails (you have the drop on the guy and you have a huge double-handed axe… how can you miss? Damned minions…). Stalker turns the tables, disarms Kang and stabs him, triggering another burst of grape juice from Kang's trembling lips. Stalker reaches out and telekinetically wills the Sword of Justice to his hand (use the force, Deathstalker!) and uses it, first to retrieve the amulet and second to decapitate the already mortally-wounded Kang.
Now loaded for bear, Deathstalker wanders around, shouting Munkar's name until at last the evil sorcerer-king appears for the climatic showdown. And what a showdown it proves to be.
Munkar magically transports Deathstalker to the battle arena, where he duplicates himself about 20 times and attacks. At least this guy knows the mirror image spell so he can't be that bad a wizard. Stalker cuts down duplicate after duplicate, Munkar laughs maniacally, then Princess Codille shows up and pouts and Deathstalker fights Munkar some more. He still hasn't figured out that the real Munkar is wearing a black velvet cloak, while all the others are wearing cotton-poly blend. Barbarians just don't appreciate fine fabrics. Munkar then casts a heat metal spell, and Deathstalker's sword gets all red and glowy and hard to hold onto.
"You have no defense against me!" says Munkar
"Yes he does!" shouts Toralva (remember her?) appearing out of nowhere. "Deathstalker, do not allow illusion to become fear. Embrace the power, take the chalice!"
Deathstalker rolls to disbelieve and must have rolled a natural 20, because all the illusions disappear, and he's able to hold his sword again. But Munkar's still there.
"The power is still mine," he says, holding the chalice, which is glowing for some reason.
"I don't want your power," Deathstalker replies, advancing on Munkar. "I want this world rid of you." Try saying that three times fast.
Now Munkar casts wall of fire (he must have access to a Player's Handbook someplace), but Deathstalker walks right through it (the amulet probably provides Fire Resistance 20 or so) and grabs the chalice from Munkar. A huge crowd of villagers stands behind Munkar - they are obviously there to enjoy his coming humiliation.
Munkar then cringes so pathetically that Deathstalker refuses to kill him, saying that the power of the objects has controlled men for too long. I guess he's planning to destroy them (that's only a hypothesis, however) since Munkar screams "No! You don't know what you're doing!" whereupon Deathstalker pushes him down and all the villagers laugh. Well, they actually gasp, but I think they meant to laugh.
Now Munkar stands up and says, "You fool! You've ruined everything!" Of course, Stalker hasn't actually done anything yet, but Munkar seems to think he has. Finally, because the damned sorcerer has grown so very annoying, Deathstalker just figures to hell with it and throws Munkar to the townsfolk, who then tie him to four horses and quarter the poor bastard. Meanwhile, Deathstalker finally destroys the artifacts by holding them up and saying "By all the powers of creation and chaos, I destroy you" (I guess he can do stuff like that, since he's Deathstalker).
(Frankly, it looks as if there's been some odd editing here, since when Munkar says "You've ruined everything!" all the villagers are covering their eyes for some reason, then later on when Deathstalker destroys the artifacts they cover their eyes again. I think that in the original version, Deathstalker destroyed the artifacts right after he pushed Munkar down, and the film ended with Munkar getting torn apart by horses. I think they moved Deathstalker's destruction of the artifacts to the end to make it a little less bloody, but all they succeeded in doing was confusing us.)
So, our hero has destroyed the three objects, and the world rejoices.
Then…
Then the movie ends and we roll credits.
What the hell???
What can you say about a movie like this? It gets some points for gratuitous nudity, and some of the fight sequences were pretty good. But as it progresses, Deathstalker becomes less and less coherent. Motivation is impossible to figure out. Why did Oghris agree to betray Deathstalker? Why did Deathstalker kill him? What happened to the princess? What about her father, the king (remember? At the beginning of the movie?) Why was Salmaron even in the movie, since he had absolutely no effect on the plot? Why was Munkar such an idiot? Why is Deathstalker the hero when he's basically a jerk?
Well, the questions go on and on, and they will probably never be answered, since this movie is two decades old and most of the principles would probably like to forget it ever existed. The fact that Lana Clarkson starred in both this and both Barbarian Queen movies adds a note of odd tragedy to the films, and makes them even less comprehensible.
And so ends our first Sword and Sorcery Cinema review. Now, the ratings. As you might guess, I'm using a 1-5 broadsword scale, with one broadsword being lower than the bottom of an orc's latrine and five being a mighty work whose name shall live in glory for all time. I'm rating them based on Sword and Sorcery value (basically how cool and kickass a film it is), Comedy value (how funny -- intentionally or unintentionally -- it is) and finally Titillation value (how much sex, nudity, gratuitious breast shots and the like it has... hell, I know my audience). So here's my assessment of Deathstalker, and for the most part it is not pretty.
Sword and Sorcery Rating:
1-1/2 Broadswords
Pretty feeble, with a turgid story, unexplained plot jumps and a hard-to-follow ending.Comedy Rating:
2 Broadswords
It's got a few unintentional laughs here and there, but mostly it's pretty stodgy.Titillation Rating:
4 Broadswords
Breasts and butts (both male and female) galore! Everything from naked amazons to mud-wrestling tavern wenches.
