ŌThe war of 1812Ķ

by

Wes Borg and Paul Mather

with additional funniness by

Joe Bird and Donovan Workun





(c) Copyright 1996

You may not perform or reprint this without our permission.

Paul Mather	Wes Borg
Atomic Improv	Three Dead Trolls
(403) 488 7248	(403) 431 1019
pmather@compusmart.ab.ca	kmberry@supernet.ab.ca

PIERRE'S INTRO
A large painting of Pierre Berton is brought onstage, centre.  The mouth is cut out to move like a monty python cartoon.  As the taped voice speaks, the paintingÕs mouth moves in synch.
PIERRE BERTON
Hello ladies and gentlemen.  This is the voice of Pierre Berton.  What you are about to watch is Three Dead Toad in a Baggie and Atomic ImproveÕs production of the War of 1812.  I myself wrote two books about the war of 1812.  I researched them carefully, and took a lot of time writing them...  but here you are about to watch this... thing.  If you ask me what you are about to see will be poorly written and filled with historical innacuracies.  If by some miracle it makes any money IÕll probably sue Three Dead Baggies and Atomic whatchamacallit.  Now, if youÕd like to find out what really happened during the war of 1812 I suggest you purchase my fine books, The Invasion of Canada and Flames Across the Border.  Two books which were written by a professional.  I also have many other books available -- The Last Spike, if youÕd like to find out more about the building of the Canadian railway system, and My Life and Times, if youÕd like to find out more about me, Pierre Berton.  DonÕt borrow them from the library, buy them.  IÕve written over forty-one books.  Buy them all.  They make lovely gifts.  Anyway, youÕre here now, so you might as well sit back, relax, and try to get some sleep during the show.  Ladies and gentlemen, the War of 1812.
Twilight zone-type music; lights up.
THE START
TEACHER
(offstage)
Alright, grade eight.  David will now present his report on why he is proud to be Canadian.  David.
KID
Why I am Proud to Be Canadian: by David.  Age almost thirteen.  I am so amazingly proud to be Canadian.  Every morning as I wake up in my Sealy Protepedic bed and have my glass of Florida Orange juice while I listen to America's top forty on my General Electric Radio I think how amazingly independant and free Canada is.  As I turn on the CBC to watch The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or America's Funniest Home Videos a tear of patriotism rolls down my cheek.  From The Boston Pizza in Halifax to the Kentucky Fried Chicken in Victoria, I feel John A. MacDonald would be proud of the country we have built.  And speaking of McDonald's, who can say they haven't enjoyed a good Canadian quarter pounder passing through their body into an American standard toilet?  I am so proud, so damn proud.  I thank you.
TEACHER
Young man!  What kind of report is that?  Don't you think I don't recognize your cynical generation Y cheeky attitude!  You're staying after school!
KID
But...
SFX: Bell.
TEACHER
Alright!  The rest of you make sure to read your textbooks.  Tomorrow we're studying the history of the zambonie.  As for you, young man, you'll stay behind and copy out a page at random from the Canadian Encyclopedia, published my Mel Hurtig, who's since gone out business.
The KID pulls out a thick Canadian Encyclopedia and opens it at random.  He plops down on a chair and gets ready to copy.
KID
Stupid Mel Hurtig.
(reading book)
Oh man!  War of 1812!  Oh great, I wonder who kicked our butts in this one.  Stupid Canadian Encyclopedia.  Stupid Canadian history.  Canada is so lame.
SFX: Wind and omnious music.  The KID hears this and looks up, frightened.
KID
What is that?  What's going on?
SFX:  The SFX reach a crescendo and end.
A climactic puff of smoke ends off the SFX and PIERRE BERTON walks out of it dramatically.
The KID looks at him for a moment.
KID
Wow!  Isaac Asimov!
PIERRE BERTON
What?  I'm not Issac Asimov!  Think Canadian.
KID
Barbara Frum?
PIERRE BERTON
No!  I am Pierre Berton.
KID
Who?
PIERRE BERTON
Pierre Berton!  Journalist, historian, media personality, 3 time Governer GeneralÕs Award winner, and Companion of the Order of Canada.  Me!  Pierre Berton!
KID
Huh?
PIERRE
Of course, you probably know me from my many years on Front Page Challenge.
KID
Front Page what?  Oh yeah... I remember now...
(singing)
"When he walks down the street, he smiles at every one..."  You've lost a lot of weight!
PIERRE BERTON
That's not me.  Al Waxman.  It's ok, kid, you don't have to patronize me.
KID
Oh, good.  So, uh... why did you appear in a puff of smoke?
PIERRE BERTON
I appear in a puff of smoke to all youngsters whoÕve lost their Canadian Patriotism.  IÕm sure I just heard you say that Canada was... lame.
KID
Canada is lame.  WeÕve never kicked anyoneÕs ass ever.  Not once.  We grovel and negotiate, and give-in... Canada is nothing but a third-rate, suburb of the United States.  In short, Mr. Berton, Canada sucks.
PIERRE BERTON
Oh troubled youth, you are so mistaken.
Spooky sound effects.
KID
WhatÕs going on?  What are you doing?
A cardboard birchbark Canoe enters.
PIERRE BERTON
Come with me, lad... into my Birchbark Time Canoe...
KID
Time canoe?
PIERRE BERTON
Yes, that's right, my young friend -- time canoe.  You see, with my birch bark time canoe I have the ability to travel through time as easily as a beaver paddles through pristine Canadian waters.
KID
But where did you get it?
PIERRE BERTON
Ha ha!  Innocent youngster!  All Canadian celebreties who don't move to the United States have time canoes.  Did you think David Suziki learned so much about science from reading books?
KID
Who?
PIERRE BERTON
The birch bark time canoe allows the Canadian celebrety to travel into Canada's past as easily as an RCMP officer can run a red light.  But, let us begin!  Paddle, my young friend, paddle!
They get in and begin  paddling. 
KID
Where are we going?
PIERRE BERTON
Not where, my young friend, but when.  Look!  1965!  The first hoisting of the new Canadian flag!  1936!  The founding of the CBC!  1867!  Confederation.  Ah!  Here we are: 1807!
BOAT  CHESAPEAKE SCENE
The scenery changes from present day to an ocean setting.  Probably a puppet ship.
KID
What ship is that?
Pierre Berton
That, my boy, is the United States Frigate, Chesapeake.
KID
Cool.
Pierre Berton
Captained by a man named Barron.
KID
Are there gonna be pirates?  Does it catch fire?  How many die?
PIERRE BERTON
No pirates, it doesnÕt catch fire, 4 dead, 22 wounded.
KID
4 dead?  Cool.
CROSSFADE TO
CHESAPEAKE
Captain Barron and his 1st officer are on the deck of the chesapeake
CAPTAIN BARRON
...Alright men, let's get this ship on her way, Mediterranian ho!
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
(saluting) Captian Barron, Sir!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Whoa ho!  Careful where you wave that thing.  What's up?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Should we stow the supplies below deck sir?
CAPTAIN BARRON
What?  Why?  What if we get hungry?  No no no.  Leave them strewn about the place for now.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Yes sir!  Should we load the guns sir in preparation for conflict once we reach the pirate-infested waters of the Meditteranian.
CAPTAIN BARRON
Jeepers Sergent, you're new to this boat aren't you?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Sir, yes Sir!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Well on my boat, we don't rush around getting everything ready right away... the sea is a beautiful woman, son, and we take the time to caress her moist belly, to smell her salty aroma and taste her fishy waters before we start running around the poopdeck like a bunch of ants.  Am I making myself clear?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Sir yes sir!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Alright then, get yourself a beer and quit all this saluting and yelling nonesense.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
yes s... uh... right on, man.
CAPTAIN BARRON
That's better!  Now get me my cribbage board.
SFX:  Explosion
Both men turn to see a large British boat approaching.
CAPTAIN BARRON
Good gravy, what was that?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
British Man o' War sir!  Under full sail and closing fast!  Looks to be a 50 gunner, ready to open fire!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Hmm, they must be looking for somebody else.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Sir?
CAPTAIN BARRON
Well, why on earth would they want to attack us?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Well sir, ever since the States separated from Britain, there have been stories of British naval ships impressing American sailors...
CAPTAIN BARRON
Well they don't impress me.
SFX: another explosion.
Barron and Officer are doused with water.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Sir, "impression" refers to the kidnapping of American sailors who used to be in the British Navy.
CAPTAIN BARRON
Are you telling me this British boat is gunning for us?
SFX: Another explosion, more water.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
That's my take on the situation sir!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Well... I find it pretty hard to believe that an alien ship would want to abduct us and steal our seamen.  Look, they've stopped.  I'm sure it was a simple misunderstanding.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
(looking off the boat)
British longboat rowing this way sir!
CAPTAIN BARRON
Oh good, this will clear up everything.  Let him onboard!
A British Leutenant crawls on to the boat.
BRITISH LT
Captain Barron, sir!  I have a message from Captain Pryce Humphries of His Majesty's Ship Leopard.
CAPTAIN BARRON
Great, what's the message.
BRITISH LT
Captain Humphries demands that you return any and all deserters from the King's Navy.  He hopes he will not have to use force.
CAPTAIN BARRON
I see... and just who does he think is a deserter from the King's Navy?
BRITISH LT
Your first officer.
CAPTAIN BARRON
What?
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
He's right sir, I used to be British.
CAPTAIN BARRON
Oh hell, half the people living in America came from Britain.  But don't forget that little tiff called, "The American Revolution".
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Still sir, I think it would be best if I went with them.  They outgun us 2-1, and their guns are loaded.  We haven't even stowed the provisions below deck yet and...
CAPTAIN BARRON
Enough!
(to British Lt.)
I want you to go tell your captain that every man on my boat is an American citizen, and therefore no longer a member of the King's Navy, or anyone elses!  Go!
The British Lt. leaves.  Captain Barron yells after him.
CAPTAIN BARRON
This is an American boat!  From the American Navy!  Full of Americans!  From America!  You haven't got the balls to take on the American Navy!  Do you hear me?!  You haven't got the cachungas!  You pompous, self-righteous, egotistical...
SFX: large size explosion.  Captain Barron goes down.  Blood everywhere.
AMER. 1ST OFFICER
Captain Barron!  No!  You bastards!  Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
CROSSFADE TO:
CANOE  CHESAPEAKE - WAR HAWKS
The Kid and Pierre are probably puppets at this point.
KID
Gee Pierre Berton, those British don't fool around.
PIERRE BERTON
That's right kid, the British policy of impressing American Seamen caused the United States to become pretty upset with their former masters.  But that was just one reason the Americans decided to invade Canada.  Now get paddling kid  We're going to the American Senate, June 18, 1812.  Congressman Henry Clay's about to try to convince the Senate to vote for War with Canada.
KID
War with Canada!  They're gonna cream us!
LIGHTS UP ON
AMERICAN SENATE
HENRY CLAY
(reading off paper)
My fellow Americans.  It is a sad day for America when Britain treats us as though we were just another colon.
(goes to another bit of paper)
E.
(looks again)
Colony.
KID
This is boring.
PIERRE BERTON slaps the KID.
HENRY CLAY
We need to attack, and annex Canada to teach those bloody Brits a lesson they'll never forget!  Besides, Canada is ripe for the plucking.  Those northern yahoos couldn't defend themselves against a sharp insult.
KID
You broke my nose!
PIERRE
I don't give a shit.
HENRY CLAY
I predict that in four weeks from the time that a declaration of war is heard on our frontier the whole of Upper and a part of Lower Canada will be in our possession.  The Conquest of Canada is in our power!  War, I say!  War!  War!  War!
Henry backs off stylisticly, while chanting "War!"  "War!"  The chant is picked up by other voices (on tape or otherwise)
KID
Wow, Pierre Berton, he's got those senators pretty riled up.
PIERRE
That's right kid.  We'd better get out of here, it could get difficult explaining the maple leaf on this canoe. Get paddling.
KID
How come I have to do all the paddling?
Pierre whacks him.
PIERRE
'Cause I'm 214 fucking years old!  That's why
KID
Yes Pierre Berton.
Kid paddles while PIERRE relaxes.
HULL ARRIVES
PIERRE BERTON
And so the seeds of war had been sown.  The United States prepared to invade Canada, an invasion it could not lose.  The first American invasion force would land here, in a town in Upper Canada called Sandwich...
The KID snickers.
Lights up on a British flag flying on a flagpole.
PIERRE BERTON
...And the man who would lead that invasion force was a respected commander and the governor of Michegan: General William Hull.
Sure enough Hull enters the stage dramatically, holding a large waving American flag.  He is followed by a subordinate, Colonel FINDLAY, who is bent over double carrying a bunch of supplies.  As PIERRE BERTON speaks HULL marches proudly centre stage, followed by the struggling FINDLAY.
PIERRE BERTON
Hull had raised a volunteer army of twelve hundred men in Ohio the year before.  He marched them up through the swamps and the forests of the American frontier, and in July of 1812 they arrived in Detroit, just across the Detroit river from Upper Canada.  Hull was confident of his success.
HULL has arrived now at Detroit.  He stands proudly looking towards the Union Jack a little ways away while FINDLAY drops the bags, exhausted.
HULL
Like Thomas Jefferson said, taking over Canada is merely a matter of marching!
PIERRE BERTON
There was as of yet no Canadian army on the other side of the river, only a few settlers.  And so, on July 12, 1812, General Hull crossed the Detroit river and landed, unopposed, in Sandwich.
(KID snickers again; BERTON looks)
A foreign army had landed on Canadian soil.  The invasion of Canada had begun.
By now, HULL and FINDLAY have arrived at the Union Jack.  HULL steps out of the boat and FINDLAY starts to pack it back up.  HULL walks up to the Union Jack and takes it down.  By the end of PIERRE BERTON'S speech, HULL has hoisted the American Flag in its place.
PIERRE BERTON and the KID exit as the lights go up full on HULL and FINDLAY.
HULL
At last, liberty will finally reign over this accursed land.
FINDLAY
Yes sir.
HULL
Woo.  Yeah.  We did it.  I can't beleive we did it.  Yeah!  Woo!  U.S.A!  Number one!  U.S.A!  Number one!  Yeah!  Come on, Findlay, gloat a little.
FINDLAY
Well, this is just the start, sir.  I mean, the Fort at Amherstburg, now that'll be a victory to gloat over...
HULL
Yeah yeah yeah, never mind that right now.  Now, we're going to need supplies...
FINDLAY
Supplies?  But I thought we were going to Amherstburg...  I mean we are taking Fort Amherstburg, aren't we sir?  The invasion?  America kicks ass, remember?  Sir?
But HULL isn't listening.  He's become distracted by the sound of drums, off in the distance.
HULL
What's that sound?
FINDLAY
(casually)
Oh, that's just Indians.  We're surrounded by Indians.  Nobody knows exactly how many there are, but I'm sure there's more of us than there are of them.  So, sir, about the invasion, sir.  We are taking Fort Amherstburg, right sir?
HULL
(shifty eyes as he listens to the drums; visibily nervous)
Yes... Fort Amhertburg, we'll march pretty soon on... Fort Amherstburg.
FINDLAY and HULL stand there as the drums get louder and the lights go dim.
TECUMSEH AMBUSHES A PATROL
PIERRE BERTON
And so Hull occupied Sandwich.
(KID snickers)
He sent raiding parties into the countryside looking for supplies.
KID
Like mustard.
PIERRE BERTON
What?
KID
And bread.  Sandwich, get it?
PIERRE BERTON
Oh!  Sandwich!  Ha ha ha!  Very droll!  But he did not attack Fort Amherstburg.  A week passed, then another.  Finally, when the surrounding countryside was almost out of supplies to raid, Hull seixed the moment and sent a patrol back towards Ohio to bring more.
Three AMERICAN SOLDIERS walk onstage and slowly preceed across it.
FIRST SOLDIER
(disgusted)
Ohio.
SECOND SOLDIER
We're never going to move on Fort Amherstburg.
FIRST SOLDIER
(disgusted)
General Hull.
SECOND SOLDIER
That guy's got no guts.
FIRST SOLDIER
Well, we're not the only ones who feel that way.
THIRD SOLDIER
I know.  And I put it all in my letter home, too.
FIRST SOLDIER
Yeah, me too.
THIRD SOLDIER
Yep.  It's all right here.  How we're dispirited, morale is low...
FIRST SOLDIER
And we're almost out of supplies.  I put that in my letter too.
THIRD SOLDIER
Yeah, me too.  It's all right in here.
The SECOND SOLDIER pats the mail bag he carries.
SECOND SOLDIER
(looking ahead)
Hey, wait you guys.  What's that?
FIRST SOLDIER
I don't see any...
(stops, looks closer, then panics)
Indians!
SFX: Indian attack.
Suddenly three dummy Indians are thrown onstage and caught by each soldier.  The three SOLDIERS proceed to struggle with the INDIAN dummies until one by one they are killed.
The INDIAN dummies stand over the dead bodies, each one being manipulated and provided with a voice by the dead soldier underneath it.
FIRST INDIAN
Are you alright?
SECOND INDIAN
Yes.  I am fine.  And you?
THIRD INDIAN
I think I hurt my arm.  But I'm not bad.
FIRST INDIAN
Victory, my friends!
ALL THREE INDIANS
Victory!
The three INDIANS cheer and hop around as much as possible.  They give each other high fives.
TECUMSEH enters.
FIRST INDIAN
Oh!  Shhh!  Tecumseh is here!
SECOND INDIAN
Shh, here comes the boss!
The INDIANS quiet down.  TECUMSEH enters.  (He's a real person.)
TECUMSEH
(apparently speaking Shawnee language)
Kemchee kinchewanna kincha.
FIRST INDIAN
What?!
SECOND INDIAN
We can't understand you!
THIRD INDIAN
Take that gum out of your mouth!
TECUMSEH
(takes gum out of mouth)
Oh.  Sorry.  Good work, men!
INDIANS
Thank you, sir!
TECUMSEH
Hull won't be getting the supplies he needs.  Which is good.  With supplies he might have attacked our English brothers at Fort Amherstburg.  Although, somehow I doubt it...
SECOND INDIAN
That guy's not go guts sir!
The other INDIANS agree.
TECUMSEH
(to the FIRST INDIAN)
Red Dog!  Come here!  I would like to speak with you!
The FIRST INDIAN is thrown to TECUMSEH who catches him and holds him as if putting his arm around his shoulder.  The INDIAN'S voice is still provided by the dead soldier.
THIRD INDIAN
Oh.  Are you alright?
FIRST INDIAN
Yes sir.  I slipped on some blood sir.
TECUMSEH
You stay here and keep a watch.  I want to be certain no more patrols pass this way.
FIRST INDIAN
Yes, Tecumseh.
TECUMSEH
Good.
(noticing the mail bag)
What is this?
The FIRST INDIAN looks down, sees the mail bag.
FIRST INDIAN
One of the long knives was carrying it, sir.
TECUMSEH picks it up and looks it over.
TECUMSEH
This could be useful.
(to FIRST INDIAN)
Go back with the other men and keep an eye out!
FIRST INDIAN
Yes, Tecumseh!
TECUMSEH tosses the dummy back to the dead SECOND SOLDIER who catches it.
TECUMSEH
Oh!  Are you alright?
FIRST INDIAN
Sorry, sir.  I think I've got a wounded knee.
OTHER INDIANS
Ha ha ha!  Wounded knee!
TECUMSEH
Well, good work, men!
INDIANS
Thank you sir!
TECUMSEH exits.  The three INDIANS relax a little.
FIRST INDIAN
Nice guy.
SECOND INDIAN
Yeah.
FIRST INDIAN
Looks a little bit like Cher.
All three Indians laugh.  They sit a minute.
SECOND INDIAN
Nice day.
The other two INDIANS agree.
For a beat nothing happens, then the FIRST SOLDIER groans and starts to stir.
THIRD INDIAN
That one's not dead!
SECOND INDIAN
Get him!
All three INDIANS are thrown at the first soldier who struggles with them.  The soldier is beaten to death.
THIRD INDIAN
Well, I gotta go.
First Indian is thrown offstage.
SECOND INDIAN
He's my ride.
Second Indian is thrown offstage.
The FIRST INDIAN sits by himself for a bit, then bursts into that Pokahontis song.  The lights fade out
HULL DECIDES TO RETREAT
Lights up on GENERAL HULL sleeping.
There is a knock at the door.
HULL doesn't respond.  After a moment FINDLAY knocks again.
HULL
(waking in a start)
Indians!
FINDLAY
(offstage)
General Hull!  General Hull, sir!
HULL
Come in!
CASS and FINDLAY enter.
HULL
Colonel Cass.  Colonel Findlay.  Any word back from that patrol?  We have to get supplies.
CASS and FINDLAY look at each other warrily.
HULL
Well?
CASS
(to FINDLAY)
You tell him.
FINDLAY
Well, sir... the patrol... was... ambushed sir.
HULL
Ambushed!?
FINDLAY
Indians, sir.  Shawnee.  Tecumseh's, probably.
HULL
I see.  I see.
(sits down, trying to control his panic)
Well... alright.  We need supplies...
CASS
(to himself)
We had lots of supplies when we got here.  A month ago.
FINDLAY
Sir, I can't stress how important it is that we take Fort Amherstburg immediately.
HULL
No, no... that's impossible now.
CASS
Consider, sir...
(sings)
In Fort Amherstburg itÕs warm
WeÕll sleep peacefully at night
ItÕs a special kind of place
Where everythingÕs alright
ThereÕs not a lot of Indians
No Mohawk or Shawnee
We could march down there tomorrow
And have our victory!

Oh Amherstburg!  What a nice place to invade!
WeÕll slaughter all the English, then have a big parade!
Oh Amherstburg!  What a nice place to attack!
WeÕll take the English supplies, and we'll never give 'em back!

And once weÕre in that special fort
WeÕll shut the big doors tight
WeÕll tiptoe off to beddy-bye
And sleep peacefully all night
We wonÕt be scalped by Indians
Or mangled by some bomb
Oh come along there General Hull
And join me in my song

Oh Amerherstburg!  What a wonderful place to raid!
WeÕll slaughter all the English, then weÕll make some lemonade!
Oh Amherstburg!  What a wonderful place to be!
So let's invade Amherstburg, and have our victory!
HULL
(singing)
Hamburger!
CASS
Amherstburg, sir.
HULL
Alright.  Alright.  I've got an idea!  Tell the men we move on Fort Amherstburg tomorrow!
CASS
Oh, thank God.
HULL grabs a bottle and pours each man a drink.
HULL
To liberty!
FINDLAY
No, to America!
HULL
(holding up glass)
Same thing!
The other men cheer and down the drink.  Just then a messenger runs in through the door.
MESSENGER
Sir!  I've just recieved word that Isaac Brock is on his way to Fort Amherstburg with reinforcements!
HULL
What?  Isaac from the Love Boat?
MESSENGER
Isaac Brock, sir.
HULL
Oh... well... oh dear.  Well... um... in that case I think we should... we should... retreat back to Ohio.
THE OTHERS
Ohio!
HULL
Did I say back to Ohio?  How 'bout Detroit?  Just back across the river to Detroit.  Is that ok?
FINDLAY
Alright sir.  I'll tell the men.  We'll retreat back to Detroit, tomorrow.
HULL
(singing; reprise)
Oh Amherstburg!  What a lovely place to ignore!
CASS & FINDLAY
We wonÕt be invading, although thatÕs what we came here for!
HULL
Oh Amherstburg!  What a lovely place to leave alone!
CASS & FINDLAY
A lovely part of Canada, which we will never own!
Oh Amherstburg!  The invasion spot that we were pickin'!
HULL
But we won't be going now... because I'm a great big chicken!
Lights down on HULL and the boys.
BROCK ARRIVES
Lights up on PIERRE BERTON and the KID in the time canoe.
PIERRE BERTON
Yes, Brock was on his way to Fort Amherstburg, and had brought with him two hundred and fifty men from the York militia.
KID
York, Pierre Berton?  Where's that?
PIERRE BERTON
York?  That's Toronto.  Except in those days we called it York. You must know the song.  "Start spreading the news.  I'm coming today.  I want to be a part of it.  York!  York!"
They dance off BROCK and TECUMSEH dance on and then shake hands while LIEUTENANT COLONEL PROCTOR stands in the background.
BROCK
Tecumseh!  So, this is the man who has been keeping the Americans busy all over the Detroit frontier.
TECUMSEH
Welcome to Amherstburg, General Brock.
PROCTOR
I say sir, where's all the Americans?
TECUMSEH
They retreated back to Detroit when they heard you were coming.
BROCK
I knew it!  That Hull has no guts.
PROCTOR
Sir!  I'm cold!
BROCK
Alright, alright.  Tecumseh, this is my assistant, Lieutenant Colonel Proctor.  What's that you've got there?
TECUMSEH
Letters from Hull's men.  I captured them from a patrol a week ago.
TECUMSEH pulls out a couple of letters and tosses them to BROCK.
BROCK opens the letters eagerly.
TECUMSEH
The letters say they're frustrated.  When they marched up from Ohio they thought they were going to conquer Canada.
BROCK
So you can read then?  Jolly good.  What do they think of Hull?
TECUMSEH
They hate him.  Some of the enlisted men think he's a British spy.
BROCK
So, Hull's men have low morale and low supplies.
TECUMSEH
Yes.  I say we attack Detroit.
PROCTOR
What?!  Attack Detroit!  I say, that's a damn silly idea!
BROCK
(to PROCTOR)
You don't agree with him?
PROCTOR
No!  I should say not!  Sir, as you know, Hull's army outnumbers us.
(patronizing)
You see my primitive fellow, to defeat an army in a fortified position you have to outnumber them.  That's what all the books say.
BROCK
Well, I agree with Tecumseh.  We'll attack Fort Detroit in three days.
PROCTOR
Oh sir, you can't!
BROCK
What?
PROCTOR
I said you cannot.
BROCK begins to usher him away.
BROCK
Why don't you go have some tea, Proctor?
PROCTOR
No thank you.
BROCK
Go have some tea, Proctor.
PROCTOR
But what about the war?  I want to talk about the war!
BROCK
Get out of here!
PROCTOR
Mmm!  Tea!
PROCTOR leaves.  BROCK turns back to TECUMSEH.
TECUMSEH
That's your second in command?
BROCK
Sorry.  All the good ones are in Europe, fighting Napolean.  So, how do we take Detroit?
TECUMSEH
I can describe the placement of Hull's guns for you.  But if we're going to take the city, I think we need a way to push Hull off-balance a little further...
BROCK
(pulling out a quill and some paper)
I think I have an idea.
TECUMSEH
What are you doing?
BROCK
Writing a letter to the Governor General.
TECUMSEH
(exiting)
Oh.  So you can write then.  Jolly good.
Lights down.
HULL GETS THE MESSAGE
GENERAL HULL stands in his office.  He looks out the window dramatically.  From out the window we hear his men chanting.
HULL'S MEN
(out the window)
Hull you suck!  Hull you suck!
HULL'S MEN continue chanting in the background.
FINDLAY comes on stage.
FINDLAY
Feeling better today, sir?
HULL
Yes, thank you.  Say, Colonel?
FINDLAY
Yes sir?
HULL
Something seems odd about the men.
FINDLAY
Sir?
HULL
I can't put my finger on it but something seems a little off about them.
FINDLAY
Off?
HULL
Are they chanting, "Hull you suck?"
FINDLAY listens for a moment.
FINDLAY
Oh no sir, they're not.
HULL
I've been trying to think of what it could be all afternoon.  Pull my duck.  Hockey puck.  But it doesn't seem very likely that they're chanting that, does it, Colonel?
FINDLAY
No sir.
HULL
So, they must be chanting "Hull you suck" then.
FINDLAY
Yes sir.  Yes.  They are.  They're chanting "Hull, you suck."  But they don't mean it.
HULL
What do you mean?
FINDLAY
It's an anagram, sir.
HULL
An anagram?  An anagram of what?
FINDLAY
Hmmm?
HULL
What is "Hull you suck" an anagram for?
FINDLAY
(after a moment of thinking)
Ouch sky lulu.
HULL
Oh.  I see.
(looks out the window for a moment)
Why have the men been chanting an anagram for a meaningless expression for two days?
FINDLAY
It's not meaningless.  It's an expression of joy.
HULL
I've never heard that one.
FINDLAY
It's Hawaiian, sir.
HULL
Ah!  Hawaiian!  Well, well... Hawaiian you say?
(closes window)
What do you have there?
FINDLAY holds up a letter.
FINDLAY
Good news, sir!  We've intercepted Brock's mail!
HULL
We did!  Well, good for us!
FINDLAY
Yes sir.
HULL
They get our mail, we get theirs, eh Findlay?  Fair trade, eh?
FINDLAY
Yes sir!
HULL
Ouch sky lulu, eh Findlay!
FINDLAY
Ouch sky lulu, sir!
HULL
Let's see.
FINDLAY tosses the letter to Hull, who opens it.
HULL
Oooh!  It's from Brock, to the Governor General.
FINDLAY
Top level communications, sir!
HULL
(reading)
"Dear Governor General.  How are you?  I am fine..." blah blah blah blah blah... oh, here we go... "Sir, please don't bother sending us more than five thousand Indians..."  Five thousand Indians!
FINDLAY
What?  Let me see that!
(he grabs it from Hull and keeps reading)
"Please don't bother sending us more than five thousand Indians as we already have a sufficiently strong force here to easily take Detroit.  I just hope the Indians don't torture the Americans too badly.  They're in a very bad mood.  Glad to hear your back is better.  Say hi to your wife.  Love, Brock."
HULL
Oh, well, that's just great, isn't it?  That's just dandy!
FINDLAY
Take it easy, sir.
HULL
That's it, man.  Game over, man!  Game over!
(falling to his knees)
Oh, Findlay... what are we going to do?  I'm an old man... oh... and now my knees are locked and I can't get up.
FINDLAY exits, disgusted, just as CASS arrives.
CASS
Hull!  My God man!  Pull yourself together.  Oh, you're salivating all over the floor.  There's an emissary from the British here to see you, sir.
HULL
What?  Oh!  Well, you'd better send him in.  How do I look?
CASS
Like a waiter.
(out the door)
Alright, boys, send in the limey!
CASS brings in PROCTOR, who is blindfolded.
HULL
(looks over PROCTOR and cheers up)
Well, this is good news.  Even with reinforcements I don't know how the British can expect to win the war if their uniform includes a peice of cloth covering their eyes!  Must be hard to see!  Ouch sky lulu, eh Cass?
CASS
What?  That's a blindfold, General.  We probably put that on him so he couldn't see our fortifications.
HULL
Oh, damn.
PROCTOR
(producing a note from a pocket)
Excuse me, very sorry to interrupt, but I've got a note from General Brock, you see.
CASS grabs the note and opens it.
CASS
He wants us to surrender!
HULL
What?!
CASS
He says he wants us to surrender!  But... he can't ask us to surrender!  He's got less men than us!
PROCTOR
Excuse me again.  General Brock said to say that he hoped that you surrendered while you could, because he couldn't control his Indians, and when he attacks Tecumseh will probably scalp you all and kill your families.  Or kill you and scalp your families.  I can't remember.
CASS
That's it!  Get out of here!
FINDLAY grabs PROCTOR and starts leading him out of the room.
PROCTOR
I'm supposed to have an answer, sir.
CASS
You want an answer!  I'll give you an answer...
HULL
No!  No, wait a minute.
(muttering to himself)
Maybe we should surrender...
CASS
Hull!  We can't surrender!  Are you out of your mind?
(recovering composure)
Surrender might be a little premature sir.
HULL
Well... I don't know...
CASS
We're not surrendering!
HULL
Well... ok...
CASS
(to PROCTOR)
You go tell Brock we aren't surrendering.
PROCTOR
Makes sense to me.
CASS
Hull, you suck!
HULL
Ouch sky Lulu!
CASS
Huh?
PROCTOR
Oooh!  An anagram!  Very good!
CASS grabs PROCTOR and leads him out of the room.
HULL
Well, thank you, my Hawaiin compatriot!  Ouch sky lulu to you too!
Hull does a Hawaiin dance.  Lights half down on Hull and up on Pierre Berton and the Kid as they paddle their time canoe.
PIERRE BERTON
Well, Kid, as soon as Proctor returned to Amherstburg, Brock began an artillery bombardment of Detroit.
KID
An artillery bombardment!  Hey, that sounds dangerous, Pierre Berton!  Maybe we should get out of here!
PIERRE BERTON
Relax, my youthful friend...
SFX: Brock's artillery barrage begins. The stage glows red.
PIERRE BERTON
...as long as we remain within the birchbark time canoe no harm may come to us!
The KID is hit.  Blood pours from his arm.
KID
Ow!  I'm shot!
PIERRE BERTON
Well you gotta duck!  You can't just sit there like a lump.  Kids...
KID
Oww!
PIERRE BERTON
Take the pain!  You think I've never been shot?!  Betty Kennedy shot me four times during the twelfth season of Front Page challenge!
Lights down on them and up on HULL shivering under the table.
HULL
Oh... make it stop... make it go away...
CASS
Hull!  Would you stop cryin'?  Them men can hear you all down the hallway...
HULL
I don't care!
CASS
Ah... you're cryin' like a little girl...
HULL
I wish I was a little girl.
FINDLAY bursts in.
FINDLAY
Sir!  The British have crossed over the river!
HULL
What?!
CASS and FINDLAY grab a telescope and look through it while HULL gets up and paces up and down behind them.
HULL
I told you!  I told you guys the British would attack us!
FINDLAY
There's so many of them... there's got to be two thousand.
CASS
Here, let me see!
HULL
I told you we should have surrendered!  But no one listened to me!  Now we're all gonna get killed!
CASS
Hey, Findlay.  I'm seeing a lot of red uniforms!
FINDLAY
Regulars?  But that can't be right...
HULL
Huh?  What's the difference?
CASS
Well, sir, as you know we thought Brock's reinforcements were just militia...
FINDLAY
Just a bunch of untrained farmers with old muskets, sir.
CASS
But if they're wearing red coats it looks like they're regular army...
FINDLAY
From England, sir.  One regular is worth two or three militia sir.  Highly trained killing machines, sir.
HULL
Alright... alright... I get the idea.
CASS
Oh!  I just spotted the Indians!
FINDLAY
Where?  How many?
CASS
Circling behind the fort... they keep ducking in and out of the bush... hard to say how many...
HULL
I'll tell you how many.  Five thousand!  How's that sound!?  Ha ha!  We're screwed!  That's it!  We're screwed!
FINDLAY
Sir...
HULL
Shut up!  Shut up, both of you!
(to CASS)
Now, Cass, you get a white flag and go out there and see if you can negotiate a cease fire.
CASS
What?  No!
HULL
Just do it!
CASS
Yes, sir.
CASS splits.
Lights down on HULL and up on BROCK and PROCTOR marching.
They march for a moment, then PROCTOR sneaks a peek behind him.
PROCTOR
Say sir.  I think that fake letter you sent really worked.  I think those Americans really are scared.
BROCK
Yes.
PROCTOR
I say sir, when we space the men out like this it really does look like there's more of us!
BROCK
Until we get too close.
PROCTOR sneaks another peek back.
PROCTOR
And those militia do look rather handsome in those extra red uniforms, sir.  They almost look like real soldiers!
BROCK
From far away.
PROCTOR
Well, we're getting closer all the time!
(after a beat)
I hope that Indian fellow is keeping up his end of the bargain, eh, sir?  Marching the same Indians in and out of the bush over and over again!  That should throw the yankees off, eh, General?
BROCK
I hope so.
PROCTOR
I'm looking forward to seeing how you plan to take a fort with twice as many men in it as we have in our little army!
BROCK
I'd like to see that myself.
PROCTOR
Sir?
BROCK
I'm kind of hoping they surrender before we get there, Proctor.
(confidentially)
Or we'll all be slaughtered!
The two of them giggle like girls.
A MESSENGER runs up beside BROCK.  He salutes.
MESSENGER
General Brock, sir, we've run into an American officer with a white flag, sir.  He wants to know if it would be possible to arrange a ceasefire.
BROCK
I knew it!  Hull's starting to lose it.
(to MESSENGER)
What kind of ceasefire?
MESSENGER
He says they were hoping for three days.
BROCK
Ok, tell him I'll give him three hours.  Tell him after that we attack, and that I'm not responsible for any attrocities Tecumseh's Indians commit.  Got it?
MESSENGER
Yes sir!
BROCK
Off with you!
MESSENGER
God save the King, sir!
The MESSENGER runs off.  The two officers look at each other and giggle like girls.
BROCK
Oh, this is fun!
Lights up on HULL drinking with FINDLAY.
CASS runs in holding a white hankey on a stick.  He puts the hankey down.
CASS
Are you guys drinking?
HULL
No.
FINDLAY
No.
HULL
No.
FINDLAY
Yes.
CASS
Brock says he'll honour a ceasefire for three hours, then he'll attack.
HULL
The bum!
CASS
And, he said he won't be responsible for any attrocities Tecumseh's Indians commit.
HULL
Well, that does it.  This is a time for action!  It's not going to be easy, gentlemen, but it's time for us to get down to business and surrender, immediately!
CASS
But sir...
HULL
Shut up!  Give me that stick!
FINDLAY
Sir...
HULL
The stick!  The stick!  I'm the general, I get the stick.  Where's my hat?  Well, never mind.  Ok, you guys save some drinks, I'm going to go surrender, then I'll come back and we'll play cards.  Nobody gets scalped today, especially me!
HULL starts walking out.  CASS and FINDLAY exit, ashamed.
Lights down on CASS and FINDLAY but we can still see HULL moving towards centre stage with his white flag.
PIERRE BERTON
And so General Hull surrendered Detroit to Isaac Brock without firing a shot.  Hull was held entirely to blame for the loss.  He was relieved of his command, charged with treason, and sentanced to be shot.
HULL
Oh hell.
PIERRE BERTON
The President pardoned him, but he lived the rest of his life as an outcast.  At the bottom of the first period, the score is Canada: one, America: zero.
PIERRE BERTON exits.
BROCK and TECUMSEH stand looking at the Union Jack flying.  BROCK turns to TECUMSEH and shakes his hand.
PROCTOR runs onstage, eating a drumstick.
PROCTOR
Hey, General!  We're having a party!  Come have something to eat!
BROCK
No, my little friend, I have to go now.
PROCTOR
Oh, poo.  I wanted to go to the party.
BROCK
You stay here, then, and have your party.  I turn the fort over to you.
PROCTOR
My own fort?  Really?
BROCK
Why not.
PROCTOR
Oh, thank you, sir!  Oh, you won't regret it, sir!  I'll look after the place, keep it clean, and everything!  With me in charge, Detroit will stay a part of Canada for eternity!
BROCK
Goodbye, Proctor.  Who has his own fort?  Who's my little Proctor?
(to TECUMSEH)
Goodbye, Tecumseh.
TECUMSEH
Where will you go?
BROCK
The Niagra frontier.  The Americans will probably attack there next.
PROCTOR
Goodbye, General!  Thanks for the fort!
BROCK waves and exits.
PROCTOR
What a guy!
TECUMSEH
Come on, white man, let's go get some chicken.
TECUMSEH and PROCTOR head offstage together.
BROCK GETS KILLED
PIERRE BERTON sits in the time canoe.
PIERRE BERTON
Come on kid!  Hurry up... the music's started!  Hey!  Don't do that in the river of time!  Go in the bushes!  You're clouding up Canadian history!
The KID enters and gets in the time canoe.
KID
Sorry, Pierre Berton.
PIERRE BERTON
That's ok.  Now, paddle carefully, my young lad, for the eddies and currents of time are as diffcult to navigate as the treacherous waters of Canadian unity!
KID
Ok, Pierre Berton.  So, Pierre Berton, did the Americans attack again?
PIERRE BERTON
Yes they did, my stalwart friend.  Brock was right.  The Americans attacked Canada again, this time at Queenston.  But Isaac Brock was there to meet them.
As PIERRE BERTON speaks the lights come up red onstage and we hear the sounds of an intense battle.
A CANADIAN SOLDIER and an AMERICAN SOLDIER are locked together in hand-to-hand mortal combat.
The lights go up on an upstage corner and we see a cut out hill with a cannon on it.  On top of the hill we see ISAAC BROCK as a small puppet or cutout or lego man or something.
PIERRE BERTON
Behold, my youthful companion, there is Isaac Brock on yonder hill!
BROCK points the toy cannon towards the two struggling soldiers and fires it.  The AMERICAN SOLDIER falls dead while the CANADIAN SOLDIER, who was standing right next to him, is unharmed.
CANADIAN SOLDIER
Thanks, Isaac Brock!
BROCK
Ah ha!  As long as I control this hill, I control the battle.
The CANADIAN SOLDIER salutes BROCK and runs off.  BROCK continues firing his cannon happily, letting out little "yippee"'s and "whee"'s as he goes.
A puppet company of AMERICAN SOLDIERS appears on the side of the hill behind BROCK.
AMERICAN SOLDIERS
Shhh!  Shh!  Quiet!  Ok, here we go!
While BROCK continues to fire happly the AMERICAN SOLDIERS climb up the hill behind him.  At the last minute he notices them.
BROCK
Oh no! I forgot to protect my flank!
BROCK runs down the hill and disappears while the AMERICAN SOLDIERS take the cannon and begin to fire it happily.
AMERICAN SOLDIERS
Whee!  Now we control the battle!  Yipee!  Whee!  Huzzah!
The AMERICANS continue to fire in the background as BROCK, now a real person, runs onstage.  He is met by a wounded BRITISH SOLDIER.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Sir!  The Americans are cutting us to peices, sir!
BROCK
I know.  I can't beleive I didn't guard my flank!  I was getting carried away with that gun.
BRITISH SOLDIER
What are we going to do, sir?
BROCK
Well, there's only one thing to do.  We're going to have to charge the hill.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Charge the hill?  But sir, reinforcements are on the way from Fort George...
BROCK
No time for that!  We've got to recapture the high ground or else the Americans could get a foothold in Canada.
(pulling out sword and holding it high in the air)
Follow me!
The lights dim to a red glow and the sound of the battle gets louder.
BROCK charges the hill, followed by the BRITISH SOLDIER.  They run in slow motion.
In slow motion, the puppet AMERICAN SOLDIERS notice BROCK.  They turn the gun towards him and fire.
BROCK lets out a yell and blood explodes from his chest.  He falls to the ground in slow motion.  The wounded BRITISH SOLDIER cradles him.
The lights come up to normal and the sound of the battle dims to almost nothing.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Sir?  Sir?  Are you alright?
BROCK
(coughing up blood)
I'm not long for this world, son.  I know my time has come.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Oh, sir...
BROCK
Oh, don't cry for me, soldier.
BRITISH SOLDIER
I wasn't crying, sir.
BROCK slaps him.  He starts crying.
BROCK
Oh, don't cry for me soldier.  I'm going to a better world.  And I know that with my death I've helped to make this world a greater place.  Oh, I see a bright future for this country, soldier.  I see a Canada that is strong and secure, and who knows, maybe even some day it will go from coast to coast!  Yes, from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and, why, I bet we'll even own Greenland someday!  Yes, Greenland, and Iceland too!  And Hawaii!  And bits of Europe!  Why, I see a Canada that stretches across the world, a mighty empire, ruling with an iron fist!  Striking terror into the hearts of those who oppose it!  Oh, it'll be a fine place!  And they'll be free ice cream for everyone, and cotton candy will grow on trees, and people will live to be three hundred and grow to ten feet tall... and instead of horses, people will ride on the backs... of... giant... lobsters... agh!
BROCK dies.  The BRITISH SOLDIER holds his head in sorrow.
Just then, we hear the sound of a calvary bugle and MAJOR-GENERAL ROGER HALE SCHEAFFE rides onto the stage on the back of a white horse.
He sees the BRITISH SOLDIER crying, gets off the the horse, and approaches the SOLDIER.
SCHEAFFE
(funny lisp)
Cheer up, soldier!  I'm Major-General Roger Hale Scheaffe, and I've brought reinforcements!  The Americans are already on the run!
BRITISH SOLDIER
Oh, but sir, they've killed Brock!
SCHEAFFE
No!  My God, soldier.  This is a black day for Canada.  Tonight, there will be sorrow, across this great land... but tomorrow... tomorow there will be anger!  Anger with a sixty percent chance of revenge!  Yes, from the East coast of Newfoundland, to the... western part of Manitoba because we haven't gone that far west yet.  To be or not to be, now is the winter of my discontent, alas poor Brock I knew him well... I can't get no satisfaction!  Do you hear me president madison?!  This time you've gone too far!  I'm gonna get one of those ticket taker machines, and line you Americans up at the border, and I'll pull this ticket and say "now serving number thirty seven," and then I'll kick your ass!  But first, it's intermission time.  Go have some drinks and whatnot.  We'll be back in a little while.
(to BROCK and SOLDIER)
Come on, guys.
They exit.  Lights out.
-------------------
INTERMISSION
-------------------
LAURA SECORD - BIG HISTORICALLY INNACURATE MUSICAL
Pierre and the Kid are paddling down the river of history.
KID
Hey, Pierre Berton?
PIERRE BERTON
Yes?
KID
Why do our forms keep changing?
PIERRE BERTON
Ah!  That's a good question.  Well, you know, according to Einstien's theory of relativity, size and shape have no meaning in the river of time.  So, you'll find our forms will change... often, grotesquely.  Now, keep paddling kid.  There's a little tributary off to the right, but it's very important we keep to the left.
Lights up SL on Laura Secord feeding her cow chocolate. (Donovan in a dress... well, ok, Wes in a dress.)
KID
Hey Pierre Berton, who's that?
PIERRE
Ahh, that's just Laura Secord.
KID
The chocolate lady?
PIERRE
She's not that important.  She told a Canadian Soldier about an American invasion plan.
KID
She sounds like a hero.  A Canadian hero too!
PIERRE
No, no.  Her story is full of holes.  She probably made most of it up.  Just keep paddling, the current is pulling us the wrong way
Kid stops paddling
KID
But I want to go there!
PIERRE
No!  You don't understand!  That's not the river of Canadian History, it's the tributary of Big Historically inaccurate musicals!  We don't want to go there!  That's where Anne of Green Gables came from!
KID
AHH!
Kid helps paddle, they both struggle mightily, but they are sucked towards Laura.
PIERRE
Nooo!
KID
Nooo!
Laura starts to do a modern dance move, bad musical-type music up musically.  Pierre and the Kid scream as they are pulled offstage.  (they change into dance clothes)
(OS) CHORUS
(Singing)
Laura, Laura, Laura Secord
Laura, Laura, Laura Secord
LAURA
(high note)
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm just a housewife
a good canadian housewife
I love my cow and my husband, and my kids
and my country, Canada!
Oh Canada, your hills are alive
with the sound of gophers...
Two American Soldiers enter, busting the door down.
LAURA
Oh no, American Soldiers
1ST AMER SOLDIER
(Terrible accent... singing)
Well howdy howdy howdy
2ND AMER SOLDIER
Well well well... what have we here?
1ST AMER SOLDIER
A Canadian woman
2ND AMER SOLDIER
and a female steer
LAURA
(slapping soldier 2)
She's a cow, you fool
2ND AMER SOLDIER
(threatening gesture)
Don't make me lose my cool
1ST AMER SOLDIER
Where's your husband?
Lights up on James Secord on the other side of the stage, dance fighting...
LAURA
(Sappy love ballad)
He's not here, anymore
he's out fighting in the war
in the blood and the gore
what do men do this for?
James Secord gets wounded.  He falls, singing.
JAMES SECORD
...tell Laura, I love her...
Lights down on James.  Music stops.
2ND AMER SOLDIER
That's too bad for you.
1ST AMER SOLDIER
A poor Canadian Farm wife all alone.
2ND AMER SOLDIER
Who will you clean for?
1ST AMER SOLDIER
Who will you cook for?
2ND AMER SOLDIER
Why not us?
1ST AMER SOLDIER
Why not us?
She mimes feeding them and they hoover it all down as she sings a sweeping epic ballad.
LAURA
(singing)
Oh Canada, My Canada
will you ever be free?
Will you ever have your very own 
flag and currency?
I dream of a time, when our land is our own
When we'll have our own culture,
and a giant skydome
Oh Canada, can you ever be Freeeeeeeeee?
Music out.
1ST AMER SOLDIER
Mmm, good food.
2ND AMER SOLDIER
best chocolate turkey with chocolate sauce I've ever had.
1ST AMER SOLDIER
... and that chocolate stuffing... delicious!
They start to leave.
2ND AMER SOLDIER
This meal is going to make our attack on Leutenant Fitzgibbon's headquarters at 12 Mile Creek much easier...
1ST AMER SOLDIER
Yes, won't Leutenant Fitzgibbon be suprised when we storm his headquarters.
They are almost off.
2ND AMER SOLDIER
Yes.
BOTH SOLDIERS
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Music up.
LAURA
They're planning an attack
I don't think they were fibbin'
I've got to go warn
Leutenant Fitzgibbon
She starts running like a dancer.
(OS) CHORUS
Leutenant Fitzgibbon
Leutenant Fitzgibbon
She's got to go warn
Leutenant Fitzgibbon
An aligator jumps out in front of her.
LAURA
I've got to warn the army
sooner not later
so get out of my way,
you pesky aligator.
She defeats the aligator with a fancy, yet lame dance move.
(OS) CHORUS
Run Laura Run,
tromp Laura tromp
trudge Laura trudge
through the dreaded black swamp
Laura runs as various obstacles are thrown at her from offstage... an indian, a boulder, and an alien.  She defeats them all much like a quarterback going for a touchdown.
(OS) CHORUS
She's running, she's running
she's full of stealth and cunning
nothing can interrupt her
no alien abduct her
She's Laura, Laura Secord
King of the Wild Frontier
Laura arrives.  She rings a doorbell.
SFX:  Doorbell
Lt. Fitzgibbon answers the door.
LTNT FITZGIBBON
Yes?
LAURA
Leutenant Fitzgibbon!  The Americans are planning an attack on your headquarters!
LTNT FITZGIBBON
An attack eh?  Well, that's quite the news.  (Yelling offstage) Seargent!  Get the men ready for an attack!  (to Laura) With this advance warning, we'll be able to cut those Americans into back bacon.  Laura Secord, have a beer -- you may have just saved Canada from enslavement by the Godless American ideals of American Democracy.  You've made Canada safe for elitism and autocracy.  Why I bet a hundred and fifty years from now we still will have an appointed senate -- thanks to you!
Big Finale number.  Laura faces the crowd.
LAURA
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm just a housewife
a good canadian housewife
I love my cow and my husband, and my kids
and my country, Canada!
LTNT FITZGIBBON
You're more than a housewife,
You're braver than you know
You're a credit to your nation
You're a Canadian war hero
LT. FITZ & LAURA
The Maple leaf forever...
(or however that song goes)
They kiss passionately.  Lights cross to Kid and Pierre Paddling like crazy.
PIERRE
Come on Kid, let's get the hell out of here!  Damn these big musicals!  I can't stand the historical inaccuracies!
KID
I loved it!  It was a tour de force!  Five suns!
They clear the area.  Pierre stops paddling.
PIERRE
Ok, I think we're back on the river of Canadian History.  This looks like the Detroit Frontier...
(tastes the water)
Yes.  Here we are.  Back on the Detroit frontier.  Tecumseh and Proctor are still fighting the Americans together.  Right now they're outside an American fort, Ft. Meigs.  Inside is a notorious Indian hater, William Henry Harrison.
HARRISON enters, screams, and leaves.
PIERRE
What Tecumseh and Proctor don't know is that Harrison has 1500 troops on their way from Kentucky, and that right now...
(singing)
"they're only a day away!"  Now that was a good musical!
(KID looks at him)
Annie?
KID
David.
PIERRE BERTON punches the KID in the stomach.
THE NOTE
A loud cannon shot fills the theatre as the lights go up on PROCTOR re-loading a cannon.
PROCTOR
(heroically)
Yes, by god, yes!  Those Americans down there will rue the day they tangled with the British army after our guns have finished spitting vengance on them!
TECUMSEH enters, angry.
TECUMSEH
Proctor!
PROCTOR
Eh?
The cannon goes off.  PROCTOR grabs his ears in pain, then shakes it off.  He starts rearming the cannon.
PROCTOR
(fiddling with his ears)
Ow!
TECUMSEH
Proctor!  We've been hiding up here for three days now, firing your cannons.  When are we going to fight?
PROCTOR
Yes... well... I've got the situation well in hand, Tecumseh.  Well in hand.
TECUMSEH
This is useless!  Your cannons can't get through the walls of their fort.  You're not accomplishing anything!
The cannon goes off.  Again PROCTOR is deafened.  He shakes his head.
TECUMSEH
When are we going to fight Harrison out in the open?!
PROCTOR
Hmmmm?
TECUMSEH
Are you a man, Proctor, or an old woman?
PROCTOR
There's no need for that.  I know I'm no Isaac Bloody Brock, Tecumseh, but even I know that Harrison's not coming out of that fort.  If you can think of a way to get him out of there, by all means, be my guest.
TECUMSEH is pulling out a pen and ink.
PROCTOR
What are you doing?
TECUMSEH
Bend over.
PROCTOR
What?
TECUMSEH bends him over.
PROCTOR
I say, it's like school days all over again!
TECUMSEH slaps a paper on PROCTOR'S back and begins to write.
PROCTOR
What are you doing?
TECUMSEH
Writing to Harrison.
Lights dim on TECUMSEH and PROCTOR although TECUMSEH keeps writing.  Lights up on PIERRE BERTON and his time canoe.
PIERRE BERTON
And so Tecumseh sent a message to his old enemy Harrison, calling him out into the open.
Lights down on PIERRE BERTON and up again on TECUMSEH, who is now standing.  Lights also up on HARRISON, who is sitting in his fort on the other side of the stage.  TECUMSEH reads the note to HARRISON.
TECUMSEH
I have with me 800 braves.  You have an equal number in your fort.  Come out with them and give me battle.
PIERRE BERTON, who stands a little behind TECUMSEH pulls out a sign saying "ACTUAL HISTORICAL NOTE" and points at TECUMSEH.
TECUMSEH
You talked like a brave man when we met before and I respected you but now you hide behind logs and earth like a ground hog.  Give me your answer.
HARRISON rasberries TECUMSEH and gives him the finger.  Lights down on TECUMSEH and PROCTOR and up on HARRISON.
HARRISON sits reading the note.
HARRISON
That Tecumseh's got a big mouth on him!  When my reinforcements get here we'll see who talks big!  Yes, Tecumseh, you first nations tree-hugging bannick eater, once those reinforcements arrive I'll teach you your proper place!
HARRISON cruelly and savagely tortures and kills the note while grunting things like "Take that Tecumseh!" until the lights slowly fade.
THE BATTLE
PIERRE BERTON
The next day, Harrison's reinforcements arrive from Kentucky.
The REINFORCEMENTS run out on stage, whooping and hollering.  They are a bunch of inbred rednecks.
PIERRE BERTON
Apparently, from Hazaard county, Kentucky.  They are raw recruits, green but ready for action.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
(hillbilly accent)
Yee haw!  We're a fixin' to kick some butt!
PIERRE BERTON
Tecumseh's men spot them first.
The REINFORCEMENTS turn into TECUMSEH and two of his men.
TECUMSEH
Reinforcements!  Send some men to warn Proctor!
PIERRE BERTON
But it's too late.  Eight hundred Kentuckians split off from the main group and charge the British guns.
We're back with the REINFORCEMENTS.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
Yee haw!  Let's get 'em boys!
PIERRE BERTON
The guns are lightly manned.  The Kentuckians put them out of action without too much trouble.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
Yee haw!  We did it boys!  Yee haw!
PIERRE BERTON
From the fort, Harrison watches, pleased.  Everything is going according to plan.
The REINFORCEMENTS become HARRISON and two of his men.
HARRISON
Good!  They've silenced the guns!  Come on back boys!  Time to slaughter some aboriginal indigenous peoples!
PIERRE BERTON
But the Kentuckians don't return to the fort.  They stand on top of the British guns and cheer themselves.
Back to the REINFORCEMENTS.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey... uh... um...
PIERRE BERTON
Once they'd taken out the guns they have no further orders, so they just sit there.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
We are the champions, my friends...
PIERRE BERTON
Harrison, is understandibly perplexed.
Back to HARRISON.
HARRISON
Why aren't they coming back to the fort?!  Someone tell them to come back to the fort!
PIERRE BERTON
Suddenly, on the edge of the treeline the Kentucky reinforcements spot Indians.
Back to the REINFORCEMENTS.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
(still singing)
R, O, C, K in the USA!  R, O, C, K in the USA!
(spotting the Indians)
Look!  Indians!
The KENTUCKIANS charge.
PIERRE BERTON
Tecumseh's men spot the reinforcements.
Back to TECUMSEH.
TECUMSEH
Look!  Rednecks!
The INDIANDS charge.
PIERRE BERTON
Harrison cannot beleive his eyes.
Back to HARRISON.
HARRISON
(disbelief)
Oh my God, what are they doing?!  Don't charge the native Americans!  Come back to the fort!  Oh, my plan!  My evil plan is ruined!
PIERRE BERTON
The Kentuckians reach the Indians, but Tecumseh's men dissapear into the forest.
Back to the REINFORCEMENTS.  They charge to the front of the the stage, then stop, puzzled.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
Hey?  Where'd they go?
PIERRE BERTON
Tecumseh leads the Americans further and further into the forest, away from Harrison and the rest of the army... then they ambush them and cut them to peices.
KENTUCKY SOLDIER
(to BERTON)
What?
THE KENTUCKY SOLDIERS look at each other, groan sadly, and fall to the ground, dead.
PIERRE BERTON
Tecumseh's tatics keep the British and Indian allies from being slaughtered, but Harrison manages to get most of the reinforcements safely inside his fort.  Proctor and Tecumseh have no choice but to withdraw back to Detroit.
HARRISON
Damn you, Tecumseh!  I'll get you and your band of first nations native American peoples!
HARRISON cackles evilly.  Lights down on everyone but PIERRE BERTON.
PIERRE BERTON
Outnumbered by Harrison's reinforced army, Proctor considers abandoning Detroit and Amherstburg, and leaving the entire area to the Americans.
RETREAT
Lights down on BERTON and up on TECUMSEH.  He stands brooding.  PROCTOR walks up to him.
PROCTOR
I say, Tecumseh, what are you doing out here this time of night?
TECUMSEH doesn't answer.
PIERRE BERTON
Little bit late, eh, for a walk?
Again, no answer.
PROCTOR
Ahem.  Um... Tecumseh, have you given any thought to what I said early about retreating...
(sharp look from TECUMSEH)
I mean, about a strategic withdrawal from this area?
TECUMSEH
When you needed us you promised an alliance.  Now that you don't need us you want to leave us here to the Americans.  Is that it, Proctor?
PROCTOR
Now listen to me...
TECUMSEH
No!  You listen to me!  You promised me a fight!
PROCTOR
I know, my friend, but it was just
a little white lie.
TECUMSEH
Oh, I see... a little... white... lie?
PROCTOR
Tecumseh, I promise you, on my life, that I will stand by you and fight to the end, once we reach Canada.
TECUMSEH
(sighs)
Alright.  Alright.  But this is the last time. The moment we get to Canada, we make our stand.
PROCTOR
Yes, of course.
(trying to be cheerful again)
Well, I'm glad we've got that straightened out.  Some of the other officers and I are going to the dining room to sing dirty songs.  Want to come along?
TECUMSEH
Leave me alone.
PROCTOR
Fair enough.
PROCTOR leaves, TECUMSEH stays and broods.
Music up.
TECUMSEH
White men killed my daddy
when I was only ten
I ran from my first battle
but I'll never run again

I couldn't stand to kill them
until I realized
there ain't never been no such thing
as a little white lie
Music continues as PIERRE BERTON and the KID paddle the time canoe.  Both are real people.
They look at TECUMSEH.
PIERRE BERTON
Tecumseh knows his dream of an Indian confederacy is coming apart.  He knows if he can't give his men another victory soon they'll leave him, and the Indian tribes will never be united against the Americans again.
KID
What happens to him?
PIERRE BERTON
Well, that's what I'm going to show you next, I... hey who's that?!
Music stops abruptly.  Another TIME CANOE has come onstage.  It is being paddled by PETER GZOWSKI.
PIERRE BERTON
Hey!  Who goes there?!
PETER GZOWSKI
It's me!  Peter Gzowski!  Host of CBC Radio's Morningside!
PIERRE BERTON
(not too friendly)
Oh, hi, Gzowski.
PETER GZOWSKI
Sorry to hear about Front Page Challenge being cancelled, Pierre Berton.
PIERRE BERTON
Yeah, well, thanks.  Get that piece of junk out of my way!  I'm trying to show this kid the war of 1812!
PETER GZOWSKI
Well, I'm trying to get through to the Riel rebellion.
PIERRE BERTON
Yeah, well, too bad.  Get out of the way!
PETER GZOWSKI
But I'm meeting Knowlton Nash!  Then, in hour two we'll be talking to Vicky Gabereau, on assignment at the FLQ crisis, and Farely Mowat, who's at home making something up about the Inuit.
PIERRE BERTON
Who cares!  Scram!
PETER GZOWSKI
Make me!
The two have pulled up alongside each other and they struggle.
PETER GZOWSKI
I always knew it would come to this, Berton!
PIERRE BERTON
Shut up, you fucking DJ!
PETER GZOWSKI
I'm not a DJ!  I'm a radio commentator!
PIERRE BERTON gains the upper hand and holds GZOWSKI over the edge of the canoe.
PETER GZOWSKI
No!  Please!  Don't hurt me!  I'll give you anything!  I've got Morningside coffee mugs... and hats... and T-shirts!
PIERRE BERTON
Coward!
PIERRE BERTON knocks PETER GZOWSKI out of his canoe and into the river of time.  GZOWSKI shrieks.
PETER GZOWSKI
Help!  Help!  I've been knocked into the river of time!  I'm being sucked into infinity!
PIERRE BERTON
Tell someone who cares, Gzowski!
PETER GZOWSKI is swept offstage as PIERRE BERTON continues to paddle the canoe forward.
The KID looks at BERTON harshly.
PIERRE BERTON
Sorry, kid.  We get a little touchy around each other.  Canadian celebreties are like that.
KID
I've never heard of either of you.
PIERRE BERTON knocks the KID on the head with the paddle.
Lights up on Harrison.
HARRISON
So... Tecumseh and that wimp Proctor withdrew from Detroit, eh?  Well, let's get some men together and go finish what we started!  Let's go show those enviromentally-concious nature worshippers who's running this continent!
HARRISON kisses the American flage fervently.  Lights down on Harrison.
Lights up on PROCTOR and an AIDE riding horses.
AIDE
Sir, we've got to travel with more speed.  Harrison's army is catching up to us.
PROCTOR
Don't tell me how to retreat!  I've been retreating for years!  You can't rush a good retreat.  Gotta take your time!
(to the men)
Good work men!  Nice retreating boys!  Slow down a little bit!
TECUMSEH rides up behind them, looking mad.
TECUMSEH
Proctor!  You promised me a fight!  When do we stop running?!
PROCTOR
We have to find a good spot.  I've sent some scouts ahead...
TECUMSEH
No!  We'll go no further.  We make our stand here, and if you won't stand with us, maybe we'll fight you too!
TECUMSEH turns his horse and heads back where he came from.
PROCTOR
(calling after TECUMSEH; trying to sound cheerful)
Well... yes... of course... that's why I've been saying!  You heard him men!  Here's the spot!
AIDE
Sir, are you sure this is wise?
PROCTOR
Perfectly sure.
AIDE
But sir... Harrison's got a fresh army... he outnumbers us... our suppilies...
PROCTOR
We'll fight at the Thames, like I say.
AIDE
But sir...
PROCTOR
(freaking out)
Why is everybody second guessing me?!  Did people second guess Brock?  Do people second guess Nelson and Wellington and Napolean?  You heard what I want you to do!  Now you bloody well go an do it... or so help me I'll stop the convoy right now and give you a damn good thrashing!  You hear me?!  A damn good thrashing!
(cracks, starts crying)
Oh!  We're gonna get killed!  We're gonna get killed!
(cries for a moment, then gets it together, straightens up in his saddle)
Sorry.  I'm sorry.  Got a bad headache you see.  Haven't been sleeping well.
AIDE
I'm here for you, man.
PROCTOR
Thank you.
The AIDE pats PROCTOR on the back reassuringly, and the two men ride off.
TECUMSEH'S LAST STAND
PIERRE BERTON
Proctor ordered his men to build fortifications, but they were not built well.  Proctor had forgotten to bring any shovels or axes.
PROCTOR and his AIDE sit on horseback surveying the situation.  PROCTOR carries a boiled egg and salts it with a salt shaker.
PROCTOR
We'll make our stand here, you see, while Tecumseh and his men sweep down out of the woods there, and down onto the American's flank, there.  Victory will be ours, if God is on our side.  Whoops!
PROCTOR goes to salt his egg and the cap comes off the shaker.  Salt spills everywhere.
PROCTOR
Oh damn, I've spilled salt all over myself.
The AIDE goes to brush it off.
AIDE
Let me help.
PROCTOR
Did I get it on my uniform?  How do I look?
AIDE
Here's a mirror, sir.
The AIDE hands PROCTOR a mirror and PROCTOR checks himself out.  He fumbles the mirror and it drops to the ground and smashes.
PROCTOR
Oh dear!  I've broken a mirror!
AIDE
I wouldn't worry about it too much, sir.
SFX: A cat meows.
PROCTOR and the AIDE look at a cat crossing their path.
PROCTOR
I say, whose black cat is that?
AIDE
I don't know sir.  But look sir, a black crow is circling overhead, and an ominous cloud just passed over the sun, and the men are taking turns walking under that ladder.
PROCTOR
Well... good luck!
Lights down on PROCTOR and his AIDE.
Lights up.  HARRISON stands on one side of the stage, TECUMSEH on the other.  Both have chalkboards covered by cloths.
HARRISON
My fellow Americans.  We've got those Indians and those cowardly British cornered now.
TECUMSEH
Alright men.  Harrison's army is almost here.
HARRISON
I've got a plan.
TECUMSEH
Here's what we will do.
BOTH reveal their chalkboards.  HARRISON'S is covered by football-style diagrams.  TECUMSEH's is covered by scientific equations.
HARRISON
Now Larry, Steve, you lead your guys around the swamp here, against the British and their cannons here.
TECUMSEH
Harrison's men will likely attack in the  parabolic arc roughly described by these equations.
HARRISON
Chuck, Dave, I want you to take Vince and Steve -- not you Steve, the other Steve -- take them and hold the Indians here.
TECUMSEH
We'll occupy Harrison's flank using guerrila warfare tatics, while Proctor and his men engage them with classic Eurpoean-style parade ground maneuvers.
HARRISON
We'll kick their asses!
TECUMSEH
Make sure you consult the syllabus for notes and references.
HARRISON
(puts away chalk)
Now men, I don't have to tell you boys how much this battle means to us.
TECUMSEH
Remember how Harrison's men burned our village at Tippacanoe.
HARRISON
We've been getting our butts kicked by these savages all along the frontier for over a year.
TECUMSEH
Some of of our brothers have already given up, surrendered to Harrison.
HARRISON
But now we outnumber them!  This is our chance to get back in the game!
TECUMSEH
If Proctor's men hold we should be victorious.
HARRISON
Now, I know a lot of your parents came out to see the battle, but I don't want you to worry about that.
TECUMSEH
Then we can return to our own lands.
HARRISON
The most important thing is to go out there and have fun!
TECUMSEH
They'll be here soon.  Now go.
HARRISON
And remember boys!  There's no I in team.  There's no W either.  And no B.  Or P.  Or M.  Or Q.  Or N.  Or E.  Well it does have an E.  E.  E.
Lights fade down on HARRISON as he babbles.  Everything is dark and quiet for a moment.
Suddenly, a bugle call fills the theatre, then the sound of an attacking army.
Lights up on HARRISON rallying his men.
HARRISON
Charge!  Charge!  You, with the bugle!  Less bugle playing and more charging!  Let's go, boys!
Lights down on HARRISON and up on PROCTOR and his AIDE. They sit, watching the battle.
The sound of battle and confusion fills the air.  It is so loud both men have to struggle to be heard.
AIDE
They've cut our line in half, sir!
PROCTOR
What?
AIDE
(louder)
I say, they've cut our line in half!
PROCTOR
Can we get to the indians?
AIDE
No!  There's Americans between us and them!
Suddenly, a BRITISH soldier runs onstage, blood spurting from his arm.  He screams at the top of his lungs and keeps on going right past PROCTOR and the AIDE and off the other side of the stage.
PROCTOR
So how do you think we're doing?
AIDE
Sir!  We have to retreat!
PROCTOR
What?!
AIDE
Retreat!
PROCTOR
What?  No!  I promised Tecumseh I would stay and fight!
AIDE
Huh?
PROCTOR
(louder)
I said I told Tecumseh we would stay and fight!
AIDE
(yelling)
I can't hear you because of the carnage!
The AIDE is hit.  Blood spurts out of his arm.  He runs around and screams like an idiot then falls to the ground.
PROCTOR
Are you alright?
AIDE
What?
PROCTOR
Are you alright?
AIDE
I am dying.  Oh, I am dying, good friend.  Why must I die?  Why must man let loose the dog of war, to run wild, to bark and bay at the moon, to pee on the bushes of prosperity and chew on the furniture of peacefullness?  Oh, how I long for the tranquility of my childhood!  Farewell, world, farewell...
PROCTOR
What?!
AIDE
I said, I am dying!
PROCTOR
Yeah?
AIDE
I am dying good friend!  Why must man let loose the dog of war...
PROCTOR
A dog?  There's a what?
AIDE
Huh?
PROCTOR
What?
AIDE
Huh?
PROCTOR
Are you ok?
AIDE
Arhgh!
The AIDE dies.
PROCTOR
What?
PROCTOR shakes the AIDE for a moment, then lets him drop to the ground.  He looks around himself in confusion, then makes a descision.
PROCTOR
Oh, what's the point?
(loudly)
Retreat!  Retreat!  Fall back!  I'm sorry, we're retreating!  Yes, pack up the stuff, I've changed my mind.
(to audience)
Hello.  IÕm General Henry Proctor, and youÕre probably thinking right now that IÕm a big fat chicken.  Well, maybe youÕre right.  But can you honestly say youÕd do any better?  I mean, here I am, IÕve been forced into a battle I canÕt win, and IÕve got the choice of either going home and saving the lives of myself and my men, or staying here and getting us all killed.  Maybe a great soldier like Napoleon or Julius Caesar or even Isaac Brock could figure a way out of this.  But not me.  IÕm perfectly average.  Actually, IÕm slightly below average.  Well... I guess thatÕs why guys like Napolean and Julius Caeser get songs and stories written about them.  But not me.  I get a monologue in a play written by two washed up comedy troupes from Alberta.  At least they could have got an equity actor to play me.  I mean, look at me.  Who is this fat bum?  I never spoke like this!  I was macho!  Well, I guess you take what you can get when youÕre mediocre.  Thank you.
(he smiles thinly at the audience and goes back to his men)
Run away!  Let's run away!  Let's run away like a bunch of yellow bellied cowards!

PROCTOR trots offstage.
Lights up on HARRISON
HARRISON
That's it boys!  The Brits have run!  Now let's get those Indians!  Good work, my friends from Kentucky...
(under his breath)
... you bunch of rednecks...
(louder)
Good work!  Lots of fried chicken and chittlens and greens for everyone tonight boy...
(stops for a second -- the sound of battle has stopped)
Wait a minute... do you hear that?  The Indians are quiet!  They're running away?  You hear that?  They're running away!
Lights down on HARRISON and up on TECUMSEH.  He is lying dead on the ground.
PIERRE BERTON
Somewhere in the woods, Tecumseh had fallen.  When his men no longer heard his war cry they knew, and they silently slipped off into the woods, one by one.  Tecumseh's Indian confederacy was dead.  There would be no seperate Indian nation in North America.  His tribe the Shawnee would surrender to Harrison, and the entire northwest frontier would eventually become part of the United States.  Of all the peoples involved in this war, the ones who lose the most are the Indians.
BROCK comes onstage.
He goes to TECUMSEH, and kicks him awake.
BROCK
Hey!  Tecumseh!
TECUMSEH
Brock?  Isaac Brock?  Where am I?
BROCK
You're dead.  Just like me.  See?  Got a big hole in my chest.  They gave me a new uniform though.
BROCK helps TECUMSEH to his feet.
TECUMSEH
The last thing I remember is Proctor running away.
BROCK
Yes.  He ran off and you fellows lost the battle.  Didn't you hear what Pierre Berton said?  Your tribe surrenders to Harrison.
TECUMSEH
It doesn't seem fair.
VOICE OF GOD
(offstage; on a bad PA)
Number forty-seven!
BROCK looks at a ticket in his hand.
BROCK
Oh!  That's us!
TECUMSEH
What do we do now?
BROCK
Advance towards the light.
The two start walking offstage.  They shield their eyes to look into the face of God.
TECUMSEH
So who is it?  Is it the Great Spirit, or your God?
BROCK
It looks like some great big fat bloke.  His nametage says "Buddah."
TECUMSEH
Buddah?  Never heard of him.
Lights out on TECUMSEH and BROCK and up on PIERRE BERTON and the KID.
KID
Aw!  I knew it!  I knew the Americans were going to kick our ass!
PIERRE BERTON
Now now, my stalwart companion.  What makes you think the beaver of Canadiana will be swept away by the eagle of American expansionism?
KID
Well... Brock's dead and Tecumseh's dead.  It looks like we're losing.  Duh!
PIERRE BERTON
Ha ha ha!  That's what the Americans thought.  The Americans thought, "Duh."  And so they prepared to attack Lower Canada.
KID
Lower Canada?
PIERRE BERTON
That's the area you Earth people now call "Quebec."
KID
Earth people?  What do you mean, Earth people?
PIERRE BERTON
Did I say Earth people?  I didn't mean Earth people.  I myself am, of course, human, just like you.  But, behold, up ahead, over yon bend in the river of time... it's the man the Americans chose to head the attack against Quebec... Major General James Wilkson!
WILKSON
MUSIC: The Door's "The End."
Lights up on WILKSON, drunk and in his underwear.  He takes a drink of Jack Daniels from the bottle.
WILKSON
(voice over)
Ft. George.  October, 1814.  I had been stationed there for months, and I was slowly going mad.
WILKSON puts down the bottle and starts doing some lame Kung-Fu moves.
WILKSON
(voice over)
I was waiting for a mission.  Waiting for any mission.  And as I waited, I got drunk, and stood around in my underwear doing lame kung-fu moves.

WILKSON does a couple of paticularly lame kung fu moves.  Lights down on WILKSON.  Music fades out.
WILKSON
(voice over)
What I didn't know is that the mission I was getting would take me right into the centre of evil, into the depths of terror, to the worst place in the world, the heart of darkness... Canada!
Lights up on Wilkson and two GENERALS, who sit behind a table looking at some papers.  WILKSON stands, still in his underwear, saluting.
FIRST GENERAL
At ease, Major-General.
SECOND GENERAL
Have you been practicing naked Kung-Fu again?
WILKSON
Yes, sir.
SECOND GENERAL
Good man.  Here's a clean uniform.
The SECOND GENERAL hands WILKSON another pair of underwear and he puts them on.
FIRST GENERAL
Wilkson, have you ever heard of a city called Montreal?
WILKSON
Yes, sir.  I've heard of it sir.
FIRST GENERAL
Good.  Your mission is to take a boat up the Saint Lawrence river through the dark heart of Lower Canada to Montreal.
WILKSON
Yes sir.
SECOND GENERAL
(holding some papers)
Here's Montreal's file.  It includes some pictures of Montreal, so you'll know what it looks like.
WILKSON takes the papers and looks them over cautiously.
WILKSON
I see, sir.  And what am I supposed to do once I reach Montreal?
The two GENERALS look at each other uneasily for a moment.
FIRST GENERAL
Terminate it.
SECOND GENERAL
Terminate it... with extreme predjudice.
Lights down.
MUSIC: "The End" again.
WILKSON
(voice over)
Terminate it.  Terminate it with extreme predjudice.  Well, I'd wanted a mission.  And I'd got one hell of a mission.
MUSIC: Jimi Hendrix playing "Sunshine of your love."
Lights up on a boat containing WILKSON and his crew -- a YOUNG SOLDIER and the SKIPPER of the boat.
The YOUNG SOLDIER is smoking a joint.  WILKSON is sitting looking at the pictures of Montreal. One by one he tears them up and throws them in the water.
WILKSON
(voice over)
My crew was young.  Just a bunch of kids.  They didn't know what they were doing.  And here I was, taking them up against the oldest European settlement in North America.  It made me wish I had a full metal jacket, but I knew that just like a deer hunter I had to take my platoon into what I knew could be an apocolypse now.
SFX: Native war chanting and the sound of arrows flying through the air.
A few arrows actually do fly through the air at the boat.
WILKSON
(to SKIPPER)
What the hell's that?
SKIPPER
Those are loyalists.  Moved to Canada after the American revolution.  Feircely loyal to the King, hate Americans.  We're heading into unfriendly territory.  I suggest from here on in we stay on the boat.
WILKSON
(voice over)
Stay on the boat.  Absolutey right.
SKIPPER
Did you say something?
WILKSON shakes his head no.
Suddenly, PETER GZOWSKI floats past in the water, struggling to keep from drowning.
GZOWSKI
Help me!  Help me!  I'm lost in time!  I'm one of Canada's best loved on-air personalities and I'm lost in time!
The other just watch him float past.
SKIPPER
What's that?
YOUNG SOLDIER
Get him, man!
The YOUNG SOLDIER peppers GZOWSKI with machine gun fire.
WILKSON
No!  Wait!
Lights down.
WILKSON
(voice over)
The sight of Peter Gzowski's bullet-ridden corpse floating by just cemented the doubts I was begining to have about this mission.  On November 11, 1813, my worst fears become true.  Halfway to Montreal, out of supplies and exhausted,  we ran into the British 49th and 89th regiments.
MUSIC: "Ride of the Valkeries."
Lights up on WILKSON and COLONEL SCOTT.
SFX: Explosions go off all around them.  Sound of battle.
WILKSON
Colonel Scott, we've got to retreat!  Our men are just kids, they don't know what they're doing!
We hear the sound of an explosion going off near them.  WILKSON ducks and reacts to it while SCOTT ignores it.
SCOTT
Retreat?!  No, no!  You smell that, son?  The smell of gunpowder.  I love the smell of gunpowder in the morning.  Some people, they like coffee, but me, I like gunpowder.  What about you, sir?  What do you like?
WILKSON
I like muffins.
SCOTT
Yeah, Muffins are good.  No, we'll take Montreal by nightfall!
Lights down.
Music: "The End"
WILKSON
(voice over)
But Colonel Scott was wrong.  The 49th and 89th regiments cut us to peices.  Our attack on Montreal was over before it started.
Lights up on Americans lying dead and wounded in a dramatic kind of way onstage.  WILKSON lies on top of them, almost dead.
WILKSON
(voice over)
The attack was a disaster, and I knew my career was over.  From here on in I knew that I wouldn't be involved in any more good missions.  Oh, I would work, but my roles would be pretty crappy.  No, from now on the really good jobs would go to my two sons, Charlie and Emilio.
WILKSON
The horror!  The horror!
Lights down on WILKSON.
NAPOLEON
PIERRE BERTON and the KID row in the time canoe.
KID
So what you're saying is, the British saved Montreal from the Americans, to keep it French for the King?
PIERRE BERTON
Yes.  Isn't it ironic?
KID
Yeah, it's like rain on your wedding day.
PIERRE BERTON
Let's move on.  Europe.  March, 1814.  The Napoleonic wars have raged on for 12 years.  But now, Emperor Napoleon, dictator and military genius, has an announcement to make.  Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together in a warm round of applause for... Napoleon Bonaparte!
MUSIC "French National Anthem"
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE enters the house wearing a paticularly extravagent uniform.  He marches forward through the stage, throwing chocolates at the audience and pausing to kiss babies and women, and shake hands and point cheesily at men.
He makes it to the stage, where a podium has been wheeled out for him.  He pulls out a phone book and puts it behind the podium then stands on it.  He pauses a moment, holding up his hands indicating for everyone to be quiet.
After a moment
NAPOLEON
I don't wanna fight no more.
MUSIC "French National Anthem" blares again.
Napoleon exits through the house.  Once again he kisses babies, throws chocolates, etc.
PIERRE and THE KID watch NAPOLEON leave.  After all the hubbing and bubbing ends they look at each other.
KID
What the hell was that?!
PIERRE BERTON
I don't know.  Anyway, Napolean's surrender freed up thousands of British Soldiers who could now be shipped to North America to fight the Americans.  
Lights up on Puppet Cockburn on a puppet ship.
PIERRE BERTON
Two of these men were Rear Admiral George Cockburn...
COCKBURN
That's Coe-burn!
PIERRE BERTON
... and Major-General Robert Ross.
ROSS joins COCKBURN on the puppet ship.  They frolic about.
PIERRE BERTON
These two men were sent by the British High Command to taunt and bother the Americans.
ROSS & COCKBURN
Nya nya... plbtbtbtbtbtbtbtb... etc.
PIERRE BERTON
But soon, Cockburn grew weary of the taunting, and implimented an elaborate scheme to convince Ross to invade Washington.
COCKBURN
Hey Robert, I think we should invade Washington.
ROSS
Oh, no.
COCKBURN
Yeah!  Yeah!  Come on!  Come on!  Invade!  Invade!
ROSS
I donÕt think its a very good idea.
COCKBURN
Pussy!
ROSS
Ok, we'll invade the port town of Benedict.
The puppets exit the boat and a herd of soldiers joins them.  They march along a big map or something...
PIERRE BERTON
They encounter no resistance whatsoever, and march to Bladensberg, just across the Potomac river from Washington.
Real ROSS and COCKBURN enter.
ROSS
Well, there it is.  Washington.
COCKBURN
Yep.
ROSS
Right across the Potomac.  You can see the presidential palace.
COCKBURN
Yep.
ROSS
And there's no army between us and them.
COCKBURN
Nope.
They sit and look for a moment.
ROSS
Well, let's go home.
COCKBURN
What?
ROSS
We gave them a good taunting.  Let's go home.
COCKBURN
Are you nuts?!  We should invade Washington.
ROSS
No.  We canÕt do that.
COCKBURN
Yeah!  Yeah!  Come on!
ROSS
No, we canÕt.
PIERRE BERTON
They argue for six hours.
COCKBURN
LetÕs invade Washington.
ROSS
I donÕt think so.
COCKBURN
LetÕs invade it.
ROSS
No.
COCKBURN
Come on.
ROSS
No... we canÕt.
COCKBURN
(blowing up)
You're an idiot!
(after a moment)
I'm sorry.  You know I love you, man.
The two hug.  They stand and look at each other for a moment.
COCKBURN
LetÕs invade Washington.
ROSS
No.
COCKBURN
Come on.
ROSS
No.  We canÕt.
COCKBURN
Should we invade Washington?
ROSS
I donÕt think so.
COCKBURN
LetÕs invade Washington.
ROSS
Ok.
SFX: Crowd cheering.  COCKBURN puts his hands in the air triumphantly.
Crossfade to White House.  President Madison is looking at Ross and Cockburn through a pair of binoculars.  He puts them down and loads his guns as he talks.
MADISON
... Damn British... Invade Washington will you?  As sure as my name is James Madison, fourth president of the USA, we'll show you a thing or two... You haven't counted on the first All-Citizen-Democratic-Millitia... We don't need a professional army, with uniforms and, hmph, training... All we need is the American Spirit, and the right to bear arms...
He pulls out a big severd arm of a bear.  He looks at it for a second.
MADISON
And this is about the finest bear arm I've ever owned.  Come on, men, let's defend the Captial!
He straps the bear arm to his head, grabs his gun and runs offstage.
Crossfade to Ross & Cockburn.  Ross is preparing a bunch of rockets to fire at the Americans.
COCKBURN
What are you doing?  You're not going to fire those Thompson rockets at them are you?  You know they're hopelessly inaccurate.
ROSS
Yes, but I thought it might scare them.
COCKBURN
Just how stupid do you think  these Americans are?  They aren't going to fall for a this.  They aren't complete imbiciles...
Madison enters proudly wearing a bear arm on his head.
MADISON
Come on men!  Have no fear!  You, where's your bear arm!  Come on, we've got a country to defend!
Ross and Cockburn stare at each other.
COCKBURN
Carry on.
Ross lights the fuse.
MADISON
You!  British fellows!  It is I, James Madison, president of the United States of America!  If you think you can just waltz in here and take over Washinton, you've got another thing coming!  (singing)
Oh beautiful for spacious skies...
SFX:  Rocket blast.
MADISON
AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Madison runs off crying.
MADISON
(offstage)
Run, run!  Everyone flee the capital!
BEAR
(offstage)
Roooooooaaaaar!
ROSS
(watching with Cockburn)
What is that?
COCKBURN
It looks like a rather perturbed one-armed-bear.
SFX:  Madison being eaten by a bear...
Ross and Cockburn watch with glee for a bit, until they are disgusted by the carnage and turn away.
SFX:  people fleeing and general mayhem fades.
Ross and Cockburn are alone.
COCKBURN
Washington is abandoned!  Let's burn it to the ground!
ROSS
Oh no, I don't think so.
COCKBURN
Come on!
ROSS
No, we'd better not.
COCKBURN
Chicken!
As Ross talks, Cockburn lights a torch behind him and runs off.
ROSS
No!  As long as I'm in charge of this operation there will be no burning.  You see Cockburn, the British Army is a civilized army, a civilized army from a civilized land.  Oh Britain, gentle Britain, cradle of civilization, we shall not besmirch your image with acts of wanton destruction.  Yes... the British Lion has sharp teeth, my friend, but he also has soft paws.  Paws as soft as justice, and whiskers as whiskerlike as the whisker of decency.  Oh our land is not a large land... but we are...
COCKBURN
Hey, Ross?
ROSS looks.  COCKBURN blows up the White House.  COCKBURN laughs and dances like a giant insane leprechaun.  ROSS backs away.
ROSS
Oh my God!  Yes... well... good job!  Good job, following my orders, there, Cockburn!  I'm going back to the boat.  Well... more burning!  Keep it up!
ROSS exits.
THE LAST SCENE
PIERRE BERTON enters.
PIERRE BERTON
Yes, the American capital was in flames.  The presidential palace and the capitol building burned to the ground.  The next morning, after the British had left, President Madison gave a press conference to the Washington press...
Lights up on MADISON standing behind podium giving a press conference.
SFX:  Cameras going off and a bunch of reporters stuffed into a small room.
REPORTER:
(offstage)
Mr President!  Mr. President!  How do you think the destruction of Washington will affect your chances of re-election?
MADISON:
Well, I donÕt think itÕll be an issue.
REPORTER:
(offstage)
But youÕve let them burn every public building, including the presidential palace, the Capitol, the treasury...
MADISON:
You know, this administration has felt for years that the tax payer was fed up paying for the upkeep of all these unnecessary public buildings... like my home... ahem... and so we decided that this was a good time to allow the British to..
REPORTER:
To burn them to the ground?
MADISON:
Exactly.  It's all part of our attempt to cut the fat... to re-invent government.  I've got some charts and graphs...
A funny BEAR jumps out at MADISON and they go down wrestling.
Lights down on MADISON and up on KID and PIERRE.
KID
Yeah!  Right on!  Way to go, bear!  Eat that Madison!
PIERRE BERTON
Well we're almost back to the present, my friendly young Canadian buck.  I certainly hope you learned something during our soujurn to the past.
KID
Yeah!  Did you see the White House burn?!  We kicked their asses!
The Time Canoe stops and the KID gets out of the boat.
PIERRE BERTON
Well, actually, you see, the Canadians only helped to defend Canada.  It was actually the British who burned down the presidentual palace, later rebuilt and named the White House...
KID
We kicked their asses!
PIERRE BERTON
Well now, I don't know if that is paticularly historically accurate, my tiny countryman.  Why, even Isaac Brock, who defended Canada so well, wanted nothing more than to go back home to Britain...
KID
Yeah!  Canada rules!  Canada!  Canada!
PIERRE BERTON
But the facts are... oh never mind.  Farewell gentle pre-pubescant compatriot.  But I must not tarry, for even now there's a little girl in Saskatchewan who doubts the efficacy of the Canadian railway system.  Fare thee well, fare thee well... far thee well young Timmy.
KID
David!
PIERRE BERTON
I don't give a shit.
PIERRE BERTON paddles away in the time canoe.
KID
Oh, thank you, Pierre Berton!  You've shown me the truth!  I know now that Canada is as violent, and agressive, and bloodthirsty as any nation around!
THE OTHER LAST SCENE
Lights up on KID standing centre stage like he was at the beginning of the play, again holding a report.
SFX: Schoolbell.
TEACHER
(offstage)
Alright, class, now David's going to read us his revised report on the War of 1812.  David, I hope this one's a little more informative than the last one...
KID
The War of 1812.  By David.
(singing)
Come back oh proud Canadians
To before they had TV
No Hockey Night in Canada
There was no CBC

In 1812 Madison was mad
He was the President, you know
He thought heÕd tell the British
Where they ought to go

He thought heÕd invade Canada
He thought that he was tough
Instead we went to Washington...
PIERRE BERTON enters.
PIERRE BERTON
(singing)
And burned down all his stuff
PIERRE & KID
(singing)
(Chorus)
And the White House burned, burned, burned
And weÕre the ones that did it!
It burned burned burned
While the President ran and cried

It burned burned burned
Things were very historical
and the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies, wah wah wah
in the war of 1812!
Another castmember enters.
ANOTHER CASTMEMBER
Now some hillbillies from Kentucky
dressed in green and red
left home to fight in Canada
but they returned home dead
LAST CASTMEMBER
It's the only war the Yankees lost
Except for Vietnam

CAST
And also the alamo
And the Bay of Ham!
The loser was America
The winner was ourselves
So join right in and gloat about
The War of 1812

CHORUS:

When the White House burned burned burned
But the Americans won't admit it
It burned burned burned
It burned and burned and burned
It burned burned burned
I bet that made them mad
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies wah wah wah!
In the war of 1812!
Big finish.  Fine music.  The audience goes nuts.  Lights down.
THE END