Squirrels!
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Latest in squirrel news
This one's from our squirrel fiasco two years ago, when
there were several squirrels mysteriously turning up dead around
campus. The campus actually hired someone to do an investigation of
sorts. During that one week, there was some pro-squirrel and
anti-squirrel activity. Although there were speculations of
mean-spirited campus groundskeepers using anti-squirrel pesticides on
the lawns, it was finally determined that the cause of death was
natural. This excerpt is from one of the columnists in the
Diamondback.
"...Squirrels are about the most harmless, innocent creatures in
existence. There are virtually no documented cases of squirrels
attacking people or causing mayhem... The squirrels at this campus
are among the most friendly in all the land. They run right up to
you if you sit under a tree. They nuzzle your hand and beg for food.
They are simply the cutest, most lovable creatures God ever saw fit
to let roam His great earth... Oh, how sad our lives would be without
squirrels. What would we do if we heard a frantic scurrying on the
other side of a garbage can we're walking past and suddenly realized
that it probably isn't a squirrel after all? Suppose its a gremlin
or something? Now that we still have squirrels, we can at least rest
secure in the knowledge that yes, it probably is a squirrel and not
some evil beast of the night. And what would we do if we had a
pocketful of peanuts and had nothing or nobody to throw them to? Oh,
sure, I guess we could just give them to the birds, or else just
munch on them ourselves (mmm... delicious AND nutritious!), but it
just wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be anything like giving them
to squirrels ... You know, those squirrels are pretty bright. I'm sure
they'll figure something out on their own."
-Tom Madigan, "Surreality Check:
Squirrelous Happenings."
The Diamondback, April 8, 1994.
Here's one from Jewish literature.
Be hopeful, you righteous ones...
You shall ascend and enter the crevices of the earth
And the clefts of the rock forever, like squirrels...
-1 Enoch 96:1,2, The Pseudepigrapha
And here's one I found without a source.
Oh, squirrels are smart all right. But watch out for them. They're
crafty. I spent two years painstakingly studying a family of
squirrels that lived in my neighborhood. From my observations I was
able to come to the conclusion that squirrels are the most
underhanded, ruthless, deplorable beasts on this planet. I once saw
a squirrel jump into the middle of the street as described in the
previous message. But this squirrel did not risk his life for the
excitement, but rather as part of a brilliant scheme. The squirrel
caused a an old man to lose control of his vehicle and plow into an
oak tree, sending acorns everywhere. The squirrel quickly gathered
up as many of these acorns as his little arms could carry and darted
off. My theory is that every time a squirrel jumps into the street
they're hoping something similar to this scenario will occur. Those
squirrels are shady I tell ya.
Benjamin Franklin,
in a letter to his friend Georgiana Shipley on the death of her pet
squirrel in 1772. Note: 'Skug' was a dialect word meaning squirrel.
Here Skug
Lies snug
As a bug
In a rug.
A bit of squirrel trivia: Even
William Shakespeare
thought they were
inspiring.
She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone...
Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut,
Made by the joiner squirrel...
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love...
- "Romeo and Juliet"
Some facts to consider when adopting a squirrel:
Squirrels are considered one of the most difficult animals to
domesticate, because they are often hyperactive and like to gnaw good
furniture, chew electrical wiring, eat house plants, and steal all
kinds of human food.
Legally, you cannot simply take a squirrel from your backyard and
call it your own. Squirrels are considered wards of the state and
are protected under state laws against squirrel-napping.
A squirrel's lifespan in the wild is somewhere between 2-6 years.
But if you are a good squirrel caretaker, a squirrel can live in your
home for 15 years!
A squirrel can consume rather large amounts of food, so make sure
your budget will allow for a squirrel's dietary needs. Squirrels
like to eat seeds, fruits, buds, bark, roots, nuts, and mushrooms.
Red squirrels are very fond of pine cones and can cut as many as 100
pine cones from a tree in one hour. Ground squirrels also eat insects
and bird eggs. Squirrels have also been known to M&Ms, French fries,
and pizza.
Don't consider owning a squirrel if you have dogs or cats. Squirrels
despise these two animals, because they know that their lives are in
danger when in the presence of dogs or cats.
-"Nuts About Squirrels", The Mini Page of the Washington
Post, paraphrased by Rhoda Hsia
Other facts about squirrels:
There are about 300 different kinds of squirrels, including the red
squirrel, gray squirrel, fox squirrel, and flying squirrel. In
addition, chipmunks, prairie dogs, woodchucks, and groundhogs are
also considered squirrels.
A squirrel's greatest enemies list includes: humans, bobcats, cats,
dogs, coyotes, foxes, hawks, owls, snakes, raccoons, and weasels.
Squirrels bury seeds, thereby planting trees for humans. Squirrels
are also useful to humans as dinner, fur coats, and the butt of
roadkill jokes.
Squirrels use their tails for balance, as a parachute, as a shade for
the sun, as a rudder, to signal danger to other squirrels, and as a
wrap for warmth.
Squirrels chatter among each other, namely to sound the squirrel
alarm if danger is nearby.
Most tree squirrels are solitary creatures, although some may share
nests in the winter. Father squirrels are especially elusive,
usually neglecting parenting responsibilities entirely.
A mother squirrel usually has two litters a year. Squirrel babies
are furless at birth. It takes 4-5 weeks until their eyes open, and
they immediately start gathering food and 5-8 weeks old. Young
squirrels are groomed and cared for by responsible squirrel mothers.
-ibid.
On the superior intelligence of the squirrel
"It is tempting to lump squirrels with other urban critters,
but squirrels share none of the idiot docility of pigeons, the blind
avarice of sparrows, the black-clad 'tude of crows. City squirrels
are still wild... They may consent to be fed, and they may sit up and
waggle their tails to look cute, but try and watch a squirrel for any
length of time without it noticing, and watching, you."
-"Meat That Grows on Trees: The Nuts and Bolts of a
Squirrelly Lifestyle", City Paper
On the unfortunate roadkill demise of many squirrels.
"Why do squirrels get hit by cars even thought they're
incredibly spry animals? This is not to suggest that the squirrels
are to blame when they are smushed. This is not some
blame-the-victim thing. But you have to admit that it's amazing how
squirrels can leap around in a tree, elude cats, scramble across
rooftops and power lines, bury nuts in the ground and sometimes
actually find them later, and yet still have a hard time just
crossing the street safely.
"The obvious answer is that squirrels evolved long before the
automobile age, and don't know how to deal with cars. But it's not
simply that cars befuddle them. The amazing thing is that squirrels
really cannot see the car at all. The motion of the car is so
bizarre, compared to other things in nature, that the squirrel's
brain can't even register it.
"They don't appreciate the movement toward them of these
objects," says Richard Restak, author of "The Modular Brain." He
says he pondered the squirrel paradox for 25 years before figuring it
out. "They can't appraise speed and movement coming at them like
that. There's nothing in their life to correspond to that." Tree
branches don't move. Cats don't come at them from a block away. As
for power lines, squirrels probably just think they are a new variety
of vine.
"The point is, the brain of a squirrel, or any creature,
including a human being, is a carefully calibrated sensorium. It
doesn't just suck in the whole world and discern it. Each creature's
brain is evolved, in tandem with sensory organs, for a particular
environment. We might think we discern the world around us
perfectly, but we lack the kinesthesia of squirrels, the sonar skills
of dolphins, the keen vision of owls, and the brilliant olfaction of
dogs. Squirrels might think it's weird that we can't remember where
we put our eyeglasses."
-Joel Achenbach, "Why Things Are: Look Out for the (Thump)!",
The Washington Post
On squirrels and winter, according to a squirrel biologist.
"As frigid temperatures creep into dormitories, forcing
students to turn up the heat on their radiators, many wonder how the
campus's enormous squirrel population survives the dead of winter.
Squirrels may disappear, but, in fact, don't go anywhere. Vagn
Flyger, professor emeritus of animal science, said the squirrels are
always here. "They go the same place they go in the summertime," he
explained. "They don't go anyplace.
"The squirrel spends its whole life within three to five
acres," said Flyger, who specializes in squirrel biology. "They have
places they crawl into to hide from enemies, places where they can
sleep and [places] where they can find food within that home area,
which they get more and more acquainted with as time goes on.
"Contrary to popular belief, squirrels do not hibernate.
Flyger explained that although they are less active in the winter,
squirrels surface from their cozy coves as soon as the weather
permits. And... they prepare in advance for potentially bad weather.
"If it becomes cloudy and the barometer falls, and it looks like it
is going to snow, [squirrels] will come out and eat a lot," Flyger
said. "Then they spend a day or so in their nest if it's cold and
windy.
"Regardless of changing weather... all squirrels
instinctively prepare for winter by burying acorns and other nuts
during the fall... As the season progresses and less food becomes
available, they go and look for the things they have hidden. The
squirrels can find the nuts using their sense of smell... A squirrel
can sometimes smell an acorn through a foot of snow...
"Although there is no numerical estimate of the campus
squirrel population, Flyger said the campus offers an environment
conducive to such a large population..."
-Jen McMenamin, "Squirrels Say Nuts to Winter," The
Diamondback
compiled by The Squirrel Lady
Gabe's Squirrel Algorithm
Gabe Rivera, consummate computer scientist,
deduced what squirrel aficionados now call the Squirrel
Algorithm.
One day Gabe was riding his bicycle on a sidewalk parallel to a
two-foot brick wall, when he surprised a squirrel on the wayside
(probably looking for nuts). In a flash, the squirrel sensed danger
in the form of a fast something approaching, and leaped on top of the
wall and began to run (gallop, if you will) away from Gabe. Little did
the little squirrel know that the running along the wall would get him
no further from his predator, as Gabe was riding on the sidewalk parallel
to the wall. Slowly but surely, Gabe on his bicycle overtook the squirrel.
As an afterthought, he looked back to see the squirrel jump to the ground
where the wall ended, scamper to and up a tree. Which led him to formulate
the Squirrel Algorithm: If a squirrel is in danger, it will run
to the highest point possible . The Brick Wall Corollary: Even
if an easy escape is possible (i.e. jumping to the other side of the
wall), a fleeing squirrel will opt to run as high as it can .
An anonymous Squirrel News reader offers this editorial.
"I'm really sorry you all have been duped into thinking that squirrels are
cute, cuddly, interesting, lovable, or anything else good. Squirrels
and nothing but tree rats. Their bodily functions are just as filthy and
disgusting as rats. My particular experience is that many folks in my
neighborhood have had to go to great length to get rid of them. They
invade our attics and chew through wiring, insulation and anything else
you may have stored there for safe keeping. They rip everything to shreds
and burrow through your insulation until it is torn up, packed down or
carried from their nest building industry. They leave their scent so
others will follow. When the holes are patched to keep them out, they
just gnaw new ones right next to the patch. It doesn't make any
difference what you patch with, steel plates, wire mesh, wood ... they just
go right through. We have had a house fire started from squirrels eating
through electrical wiring. The roof leaks from squirrels. I have even
tried to be humane and catch them, take them away and let them go. I
have caught over 50. I have shot and killed two, but I am not a good
shot with a rifle, so that is not an option. If I didn't live in a city
I would not hesitate to bring out the heavy artillery and shoot them with
my 12 gauge. I am totally frustrated with the situation and all this
hogwash about loving these cute furry, totally disgusting creatures is
just about more than I can bear. Squirrels belong in the woods and at
least 50 yards from the nearest human. If that were true, we could all
live in harmony. But these are treading on my turf and I am declaring
war!!!"
Hits since Valentine's Day
