Recently there has been a major problem on campus that I can't believe has been overlooked so far this year. No, I'm not referring to the construction inconveniences or the graffiti on the "wall." I'm referring to the recent acts of violence committed by squirrels. Many students I have talked with complain of attacks by these little furry creatures. Some of my fellow students have shown me welts that prove they were the primary targets of a series of nut attacks from squirrels that sit on the trees above the sidewalk.
Squirrels have also been known to chatter and harass students with no provocation and possibly scare prospective new students away. The explanation for the sudden change in squirrel behavior according to my high-level sources, is the result of a radioactive leak from Ward Hall. The radiation was somehow absorbed into the nut supply, causing squirrels to be aggressive and easily provoked to sudden violent behavior. This is often referred to as the Hermann Donnert effect. The only solution to this tragedy is to eliminate all of the present squirrels on campus. It is sad that a species as fine as the squirrel has become twisted and evil by the carelessness of man and his quest for technological advancement.
If we do not put the squirrels out of their misery now, think of all the behavioral problems the offspring will have form being raised by violent and abusive parents. The offspring would most certainly suffer identity crisis and could become the squirrel generation X. They may question whether or not to become real squirrels and might even decide to join another species. The campus would not be able to handle the enormous costs of squirrel psychologists.
The elimination process could be made into a campus-wide activity. For a small fee, you can bring as many guns, dogs and other hunting equipment that you want on campus. The group that kills the most squirrels will win an "I bagged the most tail" T-shirt. Afterward a squirrel-cooking contest could allow the best cooks at K-State to square off. The proceeds of the event could help repopulate the campus with normal squirrels, maybe even black squirrels from Marysville Kansas! I hope you are now aware of this problem and until this problem is solved, I suggest the following safety rules.
1.) Wear long pants when walking to class through wooded areas.
2) Wear proper eye protection (squirrels are vicious, they go for the eyes.)
3.) Be on the lookout for flying nuts and chattering noises.
4.) If encountered head on with a squirrel, act like Elmer Fudd and hold a pretend gun.
These techniques have saved many lives, so review them with your family and friends. Remember, squirrel attacks will continue to happen as long as the University administration looks away.
Jim Schneider
senior in geology