Copyright (c) 1988, 1989 Ashtoreth (William Haas) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ no, no, better yet... Top Ten Properties of Negative Feedback in Amplifier Design or Side-effects of Heavy Blimp Concerts 10. Hamsters and small dogs hemorrhage and burst 9. Desesitization of gain 8. All windows shattered in neighboring towns 7. Reduction of the effect of noise 6. Control of input and output impedances 5. Extreme shortage of Desenex, Curex, and Old Milwaukee in local stores 4. Reduction of nonlinear distortion 3. Grass killed by resulting overabundance of beer-vomit 2. Extention of the bandwidth of the amplifier 1. Mysterious death of a world-famous bass player Top Ten Ways of Dealing with Punch Stains on Carpet Caused By Having Party While Parents Were Away 10. Radical furniture rearrangement. 9. Stain entire carpet; convince parents that their memory of carpet color is faulty. 8. Put in circular fireplace/indoor fountain as surprize anniversary gift. 7. Tell them the dog threw up. 6. Draw chalk outline around stain; tell parents prowler broke in but "I wasted his ass with my Smith & Wesson." 5. Convince parents that spot is false image on retina caused by too many holiday snapshots. 4. Commit suicide. 3. Tell them rabid anti-abortionists chopped up a bloody fetus effigy in living room before you could ask them to leave. 2. "Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad." 1. Burn down house; get sympathy from parents for "barely escaping with your life." TOP TEN HORROR STORIES THAT LEAP TO MIND 10. The post-nuclear mutants who work the breakfast shift at McDonald's 9. Jumbo margarita: 46 different ounces of hell 8. "She dumped you, yeah yeah yeah" (revisited) 7. Khomeini had a son 6. "Mr. Haas *has* no grade point average" --my art history teacher 5. Her name appears on all U.S. currency, public buildings, official doc- uments, globes, maps, etc. 4. I think my art history teacher is dead...how will this affect my grade? 3. Blood bank: "No, it's not AIDS...it's feline leukemia." 2. Doogie Howser, M.D. 1. not being able to think of a tenth thing in a top ten list TOP TEN THINGS KING ADROCK IS GONNA SHOVE UP YER ASS RIGHTABAAD NOW ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10. Gonna shove a German potato-masher grenade up yer ass rightabaad now. 9. Gonna shove a late Gothic cathedral up yer ass rightabaad now. 8. Gonna shove a day-care center fulla kids up yer ass rightabaad now. 7. Gonna shove Rock Hudson's AIDS-infested corpse up yer ass rightabaad now. 6. Gonna shove a just-used whippet up yer ass rightabaad now. 5. Gonna shove Roseanne Barr up yer ass rightabaad now. 4. Gonna shove the new Pop Will Eat Itself 12-inch single up yer ass rightabaad now. 3. Gonna shove a Grummann F-14 Tomcat up yer ass rightabaad now. 2. Gonna shove a Brooklyn Kosher hot dog push-cart up yer ass rightabaad now. and... 1. Gonna shove a big ol' peanut butter jar up yer ass rightabaad now... top ten reasons NOT to major in art ------------------------------------------------------- 10. If you find a job, it won't be in art. 9. If you find a job in art, you'll hate it, and consequently hate art, and you'll hate that. 8. You'll do twice as much work as people in other majors, who will think your classes are 'play classes' and 'fun'. 7. You'll have to get the money for it yourself, because parents rarely let you major in 'play classes' (see #8) 6. If your parents *will* pay for it, chances are you could just skip the college part and live off of them. 5. Even if you were the best artist in your school, you'll be nothing in college. 4. Almost no famous artists ever 'learned' art; and almost no artists are famous while they're still alive anyway. 3. Unlike other majors, if you don't save all the work you did in college, you can't get a job. 2. Your instructors can't explain to you why you got a bad grade. 1. If you fail a project or assignment, you can't help but take it personally; and your instructors always hate your work when you like it, and vice-versa. ten more reasons NOT to major in art --------------------------------------------- 10. Everyone will assume you're gay, and you might consequently become gay. 9. Everyone wants you to draw something for them, usually for free. 8. All the people you take classes with are too weird to date. 7. No one from other majors will date you, because *you're* too weird to date. 6. If someone from another major *does* date you: if you're male, it's because she gets off on talent, not you; if you're female, it's because he thinks you're stupid and will let him get away with anything. 5. Art history: memorize 300 works of art by title, artist, date, medium, and current location; and still remember why you had to memorize them. You get to do this once every semester if you major in art. 4. Amateur artists show you their stuff and ask you if it's any good. You get to see how good a liar you are. 3. People will automatically think of you when they need someone to paint their house. 2. Your grades are based on your instructors' personal taste; which means they might fail you if they don't like how you dress. 1. If you don't have long hair, skateboard, or dress all in black, no one will believe you're an artist, much less take you seriously as one.