Copyright (c) 1988 Ashtoreth (William Haas)
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[disclaimer: 'Krypton,' 'Jor-El,' 'Superman,' and anything else related
are really incredibly obviously trademarks of DC Comics, Inc., and I'm just
telling you now 'cause I don't want any trouble from them, okay? They were
used without any permission whatsoever, which is already asking for it; but
if they want a percentage of what I'm making off this vignette, which is,
at last count, nothing, they're welcome to it.  Similarly, if they decide
that this sketch is impugning the nature of their characters, I'll change
the relevant names to something different but extremely similar.  It won't
be nearly as funny, though, and that'll be one more bit of humor the world
has lost, so I really hope the wonderful people at DC can take a joke. Let's
give them all a big hand, shall we?]

     "This is no fantasy," said the robed figure in the Krypton Chamber of
Justice, in reference to the three non-robed figures which also occupied the
Chamber.  "No careless product of wild imagination," continued the robed
figure.  "No, my good friends (and it is very important to mention at this
time that the figure was not speaking to the three other people in the Chamber
with him, but rather to the members of a jury, who watched and were involved
in the proceedings via a number of viewscreens), ...these indictments that I
have brought to you today...."  He held up a glowing glass rod, which was a
data-storage device, and the rod made a dramatic pinging sound.  "...specific
charges listed herein against the individuals..."
     The robed figure was Jor-El; scientist, amateur philosopher, father of
Superman; a man of such strong personal beliefs that he would be willing to,
say, fire his baby son into space on the off-chance that the planet might
explode, to choose a random example.  He was wrapping up the rather less
auspicious of two trials he had presided over lately, and he found it tedious
in the extreme, so much so that he frequently paused in order to marshal the
mental energy to bother proceeding with these blatantly needless proceedings.
     On trial were three of the most heinous villains set loose upon Krypton
since last week.  They were contained in a force-corral of two rolling hoops
of transitional matter-energy.  It was no coincidence that the three were all
Felinian; it was no coincidence that they were all affiliated with the
disaster-metal band Heavy Blimp; and it was certainly no coincidence that
they were now standing in the Krypton Chamber of Justice.  Harry Zaxxon hadn't
planned to end up here, but since it usually happened anyway he'd pretty much
expected it. Neither/so had Shade Desphalt, Harry's current 'significant
other.'  Her most notable characteristic, in Harry's eyes, was that she would
most likely kill him if he ever showed interest in any other female, and this
consequently made her significant.
    'Cabbage' Mandler was here also.  He was proud to have been captured, since
if the police had persevered enough to actually apprehend him, it stood to
reason that he had seriously bothered someone.
     This they had done.  They had landed on Krypton illegally, they had
Klene-nuked up a lot of shopping malls and condominiums, shot up a lot of
children and dogs, used stolen credit cards, and, when captured, were found
in possession of a Guessed Key, a device which could open _any_ lock and which
was outlawed by virtually everyone everywhere.  Had their manager been with
them, he probably could have gotten them off; but he was supervising setup on
the next venue of their tour.
    "...their acts of treason," continued Jor-El, "their ultimate aim of
sedition."
    "What does 'sedition' mean?" whispered Harry.
    "Shh," said Shade.
    "These...are matters of undeniable fact," said Jor-El. He addressed the
jurors directly.  "I ask you now...to pronounce judgment."
    "Judgment," pronounced Cabbage, slowly and carefully.  Harry snurked.
Shade mumbled something to herself which sounded like "spelling bee," then
shushed Harry again, as he'd started to quietly sing the intro to "I Am The
Law" by Anthrax.
    "...on those accused," finished Jor-El after an exasperated pause.  He
was not merely sick of presiding; he was terminally disinterested, what with
the next trial being so much more prestigious.  He strolled around to the part
of the dock on which Cabbage stood.  Cabbage gave him a friendly little wave
and blew fish-breath in his direction, which the force-corral was not designed
to contain.  Jor-El's sinuses protested, but he was undaunted and continued.
    "On this...this mindless aberration, whose only means of expression are
wanton violence and destruction," said Jor-El.
     Cabbage emitted a small acid-belch in contemplation.
     Jor-El walked to the front of the force-corral again.  "...on the woman
Shade, whose perversions and unreasoning hatred of all mankind have threatened
even the children of the planet Krypton."
    "That's why _I_ like her," said Harry.  Jor-El acted very convincingly as
though this last remark hadn't even been uttered, and Harry began to feel like
Jeff Spiccoli talking to Mr. Hand.  It was a role he was used to.  Shade, also
used to her role, turned up her 'embarrassed to be here' look another notch.
     This was the Krypton Chamber of Justice, damn it, and Jor-El, fortunate
and unworthy administrator of due process, would maintain the dignity of it,
even if he had to flatly ignore any undignified statement by the accused, which
looked to be most of them.  He did a good long dramatic pause to calm himself,
and pressed on.
    "Finally, Harry Zaxxon," said Jor-El, "once trusted by this council as a
representative of all that is innovative and progressive in the world of
musical entertainment, chief architect of this intended revolution and author
of this insidious plot...to establish a new order amongst us...with himself as
absolute ruler...."
    "I said, if you don't think your kids oughta be listening to it, don't let
them," said Harry.  Krypton, as a well-respected authority of law, justice and
other things not their business, had attempted to enact a music rating and
labelling system; and the members of Heavy Blimp, with their usual level of
tact, had visited Krypton to talk the Kryptonians out of it.  Despite the
inevitable eventual outcome of the trial, the people of Krypton were now pretty
sure a music rating system was not a good thing.
     Jor-El addressed the jurors again.  "You have heard the evidence...the
decision of the Council will now be heard."
    "Guilty," said the Council, and also a lot of people in the background who
had nothing to do with the Council.  They sounded not a little vehement and
eager to proceed with whatever prosecution could be had.
    "Yes!" shouted Harry, who high-sixed Cabbage.
    "That's a surprise," remarked Shade to herself.  Jor-El started to wander
to the exit.
    "Hey, Marlon!" shouted Harry.  "What do we win?"
     Jor-El paused an amazingly long time before replying, during which the
dome of the Chamber of Justice opened itself really impressively (for an idea
of what this looked like, see the movie I'm risking an infringement suit with
by ripping off).
    "That," said Jor-El.  He pointed to 'that' and left.
    "Wonderful," said Shade.  "A stasis cage."
     That was indeed what 'that' was, and it was tumbling towards them with
ever-increasing speed.
    "Hey!" shouted Harry.  "I thought we were gonna be shot!"
     Jor-El was gone.
    "You can't do this shit," said Harry.  "I'll blow up your fucking planet."
    "Oh, give it up, Harry," said Shade as they were sucked into the cage.