How to Roleplay in One Easy Lesson
Lost? Confused? Need direction? Then why are you reading this?

by Thomas Schlosser, Adalind Adventures
Artwork by Steven Schwartz

How many times have you gone over to a friend's house to play an fantasy
role-playing game and have been thrown out with the dog when the other
players found out you couldn't role-play? It's an embarrassing situation,
and this article is here to remedy that. If you read this and follow these
few simple rules, you too will soon name your characters bold, mysterious
names and will see envy in your fellow players' eyes as your hero negotiates
or does battle with the Dungeon Master's nonplayer characters.

Naming your character
Often, a player will roll up a great character but then give him an ordinary
name. Joe the Fighter or Christine the Mage just won't do it for real
role-players. Plagiarism is no good, either, as it seems like the world is
full of Elrics and Merlins.
The best way to name your character is to use the Character Name Generation
Table. Roll 1d6 for each letter of your character's name. This will give him
a truly original name, like Jhusdhui the Cleric or Enhifhupwq the Thief.
Think of the endless hours of fun you can have correcting your fellow
players' pronunciation of your PC's name:
Leader: "Okay, Brian the elf and Jusdy will examine the throne!'
You: "That's Jhusdhui!"
Leader: "Chusdwy?"
You: "Jhusdhui!"
Leader: "Tchoodsway?"
You: "No, you imbecile! Jhusdhui! Just like it's spelled!"

Human backgrounds
This aspect of the game is fairly simple. If you have a human character,
just increase all his statistics two to five points and give him five to ten
levels of experience before joining the rest of the party for his first
adventure. Come up with a reasonable explanation for this, such as:
"Well, Jhusdhui was born into a sorcerer's family but when he was 11 some
barbarians from the local cable company came to his house and killed his
parents for adjusting their box to get premium channels without paying for
them so he killed them all single-handedly and mounted their horses and fled
to visit the Monk of the East Wind who taught him all kinds of martial arts
and made him wash his chariot saying 'Wax on, wax off and then he joined the
Imperial Marines where he specialized in lifting heavy objects and reading
unattended spell books while moonlighting as a trapeze artist with some
gypsies as he was studying to be a cleric!' This only works for humans, as
demihumans already get so many racial bonuses that only a complete idiot
would choose a human PC without some sort of benefits.

Demihumans and you
Look, the only reason you chose to be nonhuman is to get those special
abilities, right? Well, there's a price to be paid for infravision and
strength bonuses. Demihumans cannot be played like ordinary humans, no sir!
Dwarves should be played like short humans, gnomes like even shorter humans,
halflings like short and hairy humans, elves like not-so-short humans, and
half-orcs like rude humans. Here's how to apply this point:
Dwarves: When placed behind someone taller in the party's marching order,
keep asking "What's going on up there?" and "What'd you see?" Also, get up
from your chair at the gaming table and stand behind the guy whose character
is in front of your dwarf. Jump up and down as if trying to see over him.
Put your hands on his shoulders and try climbing onto his back as if to ride
piggy-back. Put your hands over his eyes as you do so, and jab him in the
ribs a couple of times with your knees. This game is meant to be
experienced, not just played!
Gnomes: When your character enters a bar, have him ask for a highchair. At
the gaming table, get out of your chair and sit on the floor, so that your
eyes just barely clear the top of the table. From this position, try to move
your figures and roll the dice. Knock some drinks over and keep asking
"What'd I roll? What'd I roll? Did I hit it?"
Halflings: Halflings hate to go adventuring. They are the ultimate couch
potatoes. Just going to the post office is a traumatic experience for them,
so you can imagine what they would be like on a journey to slay the evil
high priest Glorak in the swamps of Mushtarga. If you have a halfling
character, emphasize his displeasure at being dragged out of his comfortable
hole and force-marched into whatever idiotic hazards the other heroes have
chosen as this evening's adventure. A player with a halfling character must
be an excellent judge of whines and have a full spate of them ready for any
occasion. Here is a short list to get you started:
"A dragon?!? Oh, not another dragon! I just hate dragons. They make me have
to run, and whenever I do that then all the buttons on my waistcoat come off
and I'm forever trying to sew them back on!"
"We're going down there?!? It's smelly and I'll get my hair dirty. You guys
just don't appreciate what it takes to get my feet clean!"
"No tea? How could we have run out of tea? I just can't digest these
rations, either! Oh, how I wish I'd never come here."
"All of her gold pieces are bigger than mine! You guys never give me
anything good when we divide the treasure!"
Oh, this swamp II so muddy and icky! I had no idea the lizard-man king would
live in a place like this."
"This riding is giving me bruises. Don't they make softer saddles?"
"The rations are gone! I wanna go home!"
Elves: With an elven character, you have to focus on motivation. Unlike
humans, elves want magical items. (To a lesser extent, this is true of other
races, too. Unlike humans, dwarves want gold, gnomes want gems, halflings
want food, and half-orcs want it all. It is unknown what humans want, but it
is suspected that they want all the other races to take a long walk off a
short pier.) Have your elf try to acquire every magical item your companions
find. If they won't give it to you outright, promise them outlandish things,
such as 20 years of personal slavery in exchange. (Don't tell them that the
20 years will start 500 years from now. Since you live forever, or
practically forever, they'll all be dead when it's time to collect!)
Half-orcs: Rudeness, abuse, and suspicion are the watchwords for players
with half-orc characters. The other characters are all out to belittle your
half-orc, steal his glory, and deprive him of his rightful share of the
treasure. If they haven't done it yet, then their kind words and courteous
gestures are all deceptions hiding something really nasty. Disagree with
everything they say in an insulting fashion, and heap abuse on them at every
opportunity. If this fails to bait them into revealing their true
intentions, you must have your character strike first before they have a
chance to strike him! When placed on watch out in the wilderness, have your
half-orc give each sleeper a good bash on the head and ride off with all the
loot and food. Insist on having him be last in the marching order to avoid
being attacked from behind by his treacherous comrades. Under no conditions
should your character ever, ever sleep. At the gaming table, back your chair
into a corner so you can watch everyone at once. Always have your 1d20 in
hand; if when you see anyone make a quick movement near his dice, shout out,
"I'm attacking him first!" and roll your attack die.

Role-playing combat
Look, let's not beat around the bush. The DM is out to kill your hero, and
that's that. You shouldn't let this get in the way of your role-playing,
though. Whether you have a brave warrior who just got something in his eye
and wants the other characters to go first, or you have a daring thief who
unfortunately faints at the sight of blood and wants the others to go first,
role-play combat to the hilt! It's not who wins or loses, it's how you stay
alive!
Too often, combat devolves into a my-turn-your-turn dice-rolling exercise.
This is unfortunate, as combat offers many ways to role-play. For example,
if you have a party of low-level characters who have just encountered 83
frost giants, having your character just drop dead on the spot is an
excellent alternative to pointlessly rolling dice for the 11.3 seconds it
would take the giants to grind you into fertilizer.
Whatever you do, take the opportunity to let combat help you define your
character's motivations. If you have an elf, let the others go first and
then take their magical items from their lifeless bodies. If you have a
dwarf, let them go first and then strip all the gold from the dead and
dying. If you have a half-orc, wait until there's just one party member and
one monster left alive, then stab them both in the back and take everything.
If you have a human, encourage the others to go first by praising their
racial abilities, like so:
You [playing human fighter]: "Look, a frost giant! I sure wish I had
infravision like you, Christine the Elven Mage! Then I'd really be able to
fight him!"
Christine's player: "Infravision?!? What are you talking about?!? It's
daylight!"
You: "And you have all that magic resistance! Oooh, I suddenly feel weak!
The giant must be casting a spell that demihumans are immune to! You must
save me, Christine!" [To the the DM] "I fall faint behind the mighty
Christine!"
Christine's player: "What the-" 
DM: "THWACK!!! The frost giant hits Christine with his club. It's a critical
hit! She takes 3,478 points of damage!' [to you "His momentum carries him
over Christine's body and past you!' 
You: "I get up and stab him in the back
with my + 5 two-handed sword! Don't forget my 18/96 strength bonuses!"

Goals and objectives
For some players, it seems like the only objective is to acquire wealth.
Others want magical items, and still others experience points. This fixation
on the numerical aspects of the game is a poor way to role-play. Your
character shouldn't always be interested in getting just one thing or check
another. He should be interested in getting everything! (Ignore the
motivations portion of this article noted previously. I hadn't thought of
this part when I wrote the other stuff.) Also, remember that experience
points and loot will be divided up among the survivors. If you're a cleric,
try the following tactic the next time the party is engaged in combat:
Fighter's player: "I'm down to 13 hit points, Jusdy! Heal me quick! This
frost
giant is just creaming me!"
You: "Do you really think I should? I mean, what if I need to heal someone
later? Should I waste that spell now?"
Fighter's player: "Jusdy, you've got over five first-level spells left!
Hurry up!" DM: "The frost giant hits Joe for eight more points of damage.
Joe's swing misses!"
Fighter's player: "Jusdy! Help! I'm down to five points!"
You: "Five? Why that's more than I started out with! I remember when I was
just a first-level cleric. How long ago that seems. I would have done
anything to have five hit points!'
Fighter's player: "Jusdy!"
DM: "The frost giant gets initiative and hits again for 18 points. Joe's
dead!"
Fighter's player [in a dying gasp]: "Jusdy!"
You [kicking the fighter's lifeless body]: "That's Jhusdhui to you!"
[To the DM] "I fire my phaser and disintegrate the giant!' Your character's
goals and objectives should be in accordance with his chosen alignment. If
he's good, he should try to acquire everything he can so that some time in
the very distant future, maybe on his deathbed, he can give it to the poor.
If he's evil, he wants to keep it for himself, and if he's neutral, he wants
to keep it until the time when he can figure out whether he wants to give it
to the poor or keep it for himself.
The law-chaos aspect of the game is also a good source for role-playing
material. If your character is lawful, you will want to come up with sound,
reasonable justifications for his actions, particularly when he stabs the
rest of the party in the back. If he's neutral, act confused and claim you
don't know why he did all those nasty things, or blame it on "maintaining
the balance." If he happens to be chaotic, tell the other players that their
cars are being towed away, then change all their characters' statistics when
they run outside to
check.

Summary
Look, I can't tell you how to role-play every little detail of the game. I
can't even keep the promises I made in the first paragraph of this article.
In fact, the only thing I can do is promise you that if you follow the
guidelines set down in this article, your FRPGs will never be the same.

Character Name Generation 'Table
1d6	Result
1-2	Vowel: roll 1d6 to determine which one (1 = a, 2 = e, 3 = i, 4 = o,
5 = u, 6 = y)
3-5	Consonant: roll 1d20 to determine which one (1 = b, 2 = c, .......
20 = z
6	Name ends