Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers From: cbird@chat.carleton.ca (Christopher Bird) Subject: MSTified: 5FOF! (part 4) RODIMUS PRIME : Last big party of December, folks. Let's go out with a bang! ULTRA MAGNUS : Just once, couldn't your attitude reflect the gravity of the situation? RODIMUS PRIME : Not if I can help it! TOM: Rodimus is a moron. CROW: No, Ultra is a moron. MIKE: Hell, they're both morons. J. DELIB.-3 : Yes! Yes! Even if it means my life is forfeit: destroy them, destroy_ MIKE: You ever hear of a thing called a "jihad"? GRIMLOCK : Ooh, me Grimlock say shut your faces. CROW: Not terribly eloquent, but hey. BLAST OFF : The Autobots are helpless. This time their doom is certain. TOM: HOW many times have Decepticons said that? Huh? Anyone got a count. DEAD END : And we owe this grand opportunity entirely to our new allies. BLAST OFF : I do not take your meaning. CROW: It seemed pretty obvious to me. SWINDLE : He means one of their opportunities... MIKE: HE'S a con man? Huh? GALVATRON : Now, Decepticons, learn the price of your disloyalty. Attack! CYCLONUS : Attack who? {Is hit by Galvatron} Ugh. GALVATRON : Everyone! TOM: I'll say this for Galvie, he's consistent. BLAST OFF : Fire from the rear. DEAD END : What matter where the death comes from, in front or behind? Death is death. CROW: Hey! Dead End's a utilitarian! SWINDLE : We've been doublecrossed. GALVATRON : You have forsaken the Decepticons' one true leader, and for your treachery, you will pay! MIKE: (accountant voice) Well, that's thirty-six betrayals at thirteen laser shots per betrayal... MOTORMASTER* : Galvatron, you have returned. TOM: Don't call him Megatron. That really pisses him off. GALVATRON : Beg for your life. MOTORMASTER : Spare me and I'm yours to command. Hail Galvatron! MIKE: Y'know, that's pretty lame begging. SWEEPS : Hail Galvatron! Hail Galvatron! SWINDLE : They gave us energon, they lead us out of disarray. What did you give us that they didn't? CROW: Swindle, the guy has a gun that blows up *planets*. Don't argue with him. GALVATRON : "They"? "They"? Who are "they"? Perhaps I should introduce myself. MIKE: With a gut-shot or a head-shot? {D/A; Goo.} RODIMUS PRIME : We should have been molten by now. What's going on up there? TOM: Lousy scripting. It's everywhere! ULTRA MAGNUS : Sloppiness. Disorganisation. As I've tried to teach you, un- disciplined thinking can make even the simplest task impos- sible. MIKE: I *never* would've figured Ultra Magnus to be anal-retentive. {They enter a building} |ULTRA MAGNUS : None of these devices except the tv's are functioning. CROW: Duck! MTV assault! Ahhhh! | [tv sound] |RODIMUS PRIME: Wait a second. I've got a feeling... MIKE: Let go of Ultra's butt! WRECK GAR : {on screen} Hello, hello, hello, you are very television, mate. Glad you used the dial; wish everybody would. ALL: (cheering loudly) ULTRA MAGNUS : Wreck Gar? RODIMUS PRIME : I thought so. WRECK GAR : Kimosabes, Rodimus and Ultra Magnus, you look like brand new. Radio, weeko, whiteboards and all, but why do you come on down to Goo? ALL: (more cheering) RODIMUS PRIME : We didn't come on down, we crashed here. WRECK GAR : All right, kin. You are in danger of being cancelled or lo- sing your time slot. ALL: (still more cheering, with shouts of "they're all gonna die!") ULTRA MAGNUS : What's he talking about? RODIMUS PRIME : We're gonna get killed. Wreck Gar, we need personalised ser- vice with friendly convenient payment terms. Let's all be there?! WRECK GAR : While you wait for me, Wreck Gar will put you in good hands. MIKE: NO! NO! Don't *rescue* them! TOM: Except maybe Grimlock. CROW: Yeah, Grimlock can live. And Kup. {A/A; Juppiter.} C. FAIRBORNE : Fairborne to Metroplex. Entering Juppiter's magnetic field. MIKE: Acccck! Wicked Witch of the West! BLASTER : I got static boogie all over my screen already. Any sign of Blurr and Wheelie? TOM: "Yes! Look! A gutted pile of scrapmetal!" C. FAIRBORNE : Continuing to scan...if you can still hear me, Blaster, I think I've spotted them, alive! But something's very wrong down there. I'm going after them! CROW: Well, that's stupid. MIKE: No, *she's* stupid. [Trans-bats are squeaking] WHEELIE : Uh, kick, run away, others play. M, m, ah. M. BLURR : I'm okay but you're in bad shape. I just can't leave you in bad shape, so I gotta do something to save you, that'll get ME in bad shape. TOM: Ethical conundrums. On the next Oprah. WHEELIE : M, oh, ah. Take the cog, you're faster. Keep Metroplex from disaster. MIKE: (Quint voice) "This is impossible! You were not programmed for self-sacrifice!" C. FAIRBORNE : Autobot Blurr, come aboard with the cog. BLURR : But I have to save Wheelie. What would I do without Wheelie? Now what am I gonna do? Do I save the cog, or do I save Wheelie? But if I save Wheelie, then you could get hurt, and we might lose the cog, and so what am I gonna do and why do I have to just make decisions like this? TOM: I....sorry, you lost me. C. FAIRBORNE : Blurr! What is he doing? WHEELIE : E, Blurr, don't be a stoop, fly the coop. CROW: Nah. He won't do that. Y'see (sniff) Blurr's a rebel... C. FAIRBORNE : He ran right back into the danger. Uh, my digital watch is smarter than that! MIKE: It's smarter than you too, but we don't quibble. [Fire-bats squeaking] C. FAIRBORNE : {After leaving the ship with a jetpack and a weapon} Eat null-rays, you bags of proto-plasm! TOM: Geez, she makes Kup's swearing sound good. BLURR : Well, it's about time. I was gettin' claustrophobic down there, and when I get claustrophobic, I get nervous, and when I get nervous, I feel_ ALL: SHUT UP! C. FAIRBORNE : I don't care how you feel, as long as you're alive. Now shut up and get to the ship. MIKE: My god, she said something intelligent. Alert the media! Warn Metroplex! {They run to the ship, but the fire-bats transform into missiles and destroy most of the ship.} BLURR : Well, it's official: we're not going anywhere. And if we don't go anywhere, that means we stay here forever, and for- ever won't be very long because of those_ C. FAIRBORNE : Quiet! If you're going to panic, panic productively. Help me find out if the radio's still working. CROW: Okay, the first time it was cool, but now it's just bitchy. BLURR : Yes, ma'am. {A/D; near the Quintesson ship.} GALVATRON : Huhuhahaha, come out and face me. I wish to meet the new leaders of the Decepticons. TOM: You know, Galvie, you'll get more respect without the maniacal laughter... QUINT. 3-3 : This one must be dealt with differently than the others. MIKE: Cause he's insane, methinks. QUINT. 1-1 : What shall we do? QUINT. 2-2 : Negotiate. QUINT. 3 : From a position of weakness? QUINT. 2 : From a position of falsehood. TOM: Oh, those crafty Quints! What mischief are they up to now? GALVATRON : {Entering} Decepticons, fire! Show yourselves or perish. QUINT. 2 : We wish to be your allies, to help you defeat the Autobots. GALVATRON : Huh, have I asked for your help? QUINT. 2 : Nno... CROW: Whoops, and Galvie gets the Quint on a technicality! GALVATRON : Then what makes you think I want it? {Shoots} MIKE: But he's still stupid. QUINT. 2 : Galvatron, no, I beg you. QUINT. 2-2 : We have no choice, we must tell him. QUINT. 1 : No. QUINT. 4-3 : Never. TOM: Yeah, right. GALVATRON : Tell me...what? QUINT. 1,4 : We would die before telling you... QUINT. 2 : ...about the Decepticon matrix of leadership. CROW: HELLO! Hey, could it be MORE obvious that they're lying? Huh? GALVATRON : What Decepticon matrix? QUINT. 1-1 : Priorities, please. What do we get for giving you this in- formation? MIKE: Gee, no wonder Swindle liked the Quints better. GALVATRON : I might let you live. QUINT. 1,2,4 : Our lives are not enough. TOM: (professor voice) Surprisingly, several people have linked the Quintessons to the sale of Manhattan Island for twenty-four dollars. GALVATRON : You would dictate terms to me? QUINT. 1 : Yes, in addition to letting us live... QUINT. 2 : ...you must also destroy the Autobots on Goo. GALVATRON : Au-to-bots? MIKE: (Groucho voice) You just said the secret word. {Goo; the Autobots are attacked again.} ULTRA MAGNUS : Renewing the hostilities, are they? RODIMUS PRIME : Look out! KUP : Try to take on Galvatron first. RODIMUS PRIME : Galvatron? CROW: Roddy just wet his pants! KUP : Fire! GALVATRON : Uh, ah. You succeed at nothing but increasing my rage, Auto- bots. TOM: And ruining your finish! Silly Galvie, don't you know to use Armor-All? RODIMUS PRIME : Look out, we're on thin Goo. ULTRA MAGNUS : No, it's evaporating out from under us. S. WITWICKY : What's going on down there? KUP : I dunno, but it sure feels like we're bein'...sucked through the goo! MIKE: Do we have to hear the word "goo" one more time? GALVATRON : I will not be defeated by a garbage scow. ALL: Yes you will. S. WITWICKY : What happened to the Quintesson? {Deliberata is hurtling towards Galvatron, who swats him aside} CROW: Man, it must really suck to be a Quint. WRECK GAR : Sale, sale. Drop prices to cut off competition. Doors clo- sing at midnight. ALL: (cheering) GALVATRON : Thwarted by junk! {Destroys force field generators} Very well, Junkions, then you will share the Autobots' fate! I hate Autobots, but I hate disloyalty more. And more than either, I despise failure. And I blame you for this failure. TOM: (Monty Python voice) "The thing I hate most is Autobots! No, wait, disloyalty and Autobots! Ahem. The two things I hate most are disloyalty, Autobots, and failure...wait, I'll come in again." QUINT. 1-1 : Destroy us, and you will never have the Decepticon matrix. QUINT. 2-2 : Seventy-six point nine percent probability he doubts the existence of the matrix. MIKE: "Ten point one percent probability he plans to laugh maniacally again." CROW: "Seven percent probability he starts shooting randomly." TOM: "Six percent probability he begins to sound like Nimoy again." GALVATRON : Right! QUINT. 4-3 : But he cannot doubt we would be powerful allies. GALVATRON : Yes, you would. CROW: WHY? They're total losers! They just keep failing and failing... QUINT. 1 : But he could, if we posess such power, for example, we could... GALVATRON : Why have you not destroyed the Autobots yourselves? MIKE: (whiny voice) They cheat! QUINT. 1 : Their association with these...humans has changed them. QUINT. 2-2 : We find the Earth-creatures highly unpredictable and trou- blesome. GALVATRON : Huhuhahahahahaha, the humans? You fear the humans? They are weaklings. Very well, then. With your intellect and the strength of my Decepticons, we shall blast the Autobots and the humans of the map of the galaxy! CROW: Seems to me you'd stand a better chance with YOUR intellect and THEIR strength... SWEEPS : Hail Galvatron, hail Galvatron. QUINTESSONS : Hail Galvatron. TOM: Hail Galvatron. MIKE: Stop it. {Goo.} WRECK GAR : {To Arcee} Don't you cry. I've got a secret. You'll have Springer back faster than snap-crackle-pop. ALL: NOOOOO! Agggggh! Head for the hills! (etc.) ARCEE : You can...bring him back? WRECK GAR : New and improved, or, for a limited time, your money back. MIKE: Why didn't they just put all the other dead Autobots back together while they were at it? I'd rather have Wheeljack then Springer. {Springer is put back together} SPRINGER : What happened? Arcee? TOM: Well, you died like a loser, then... ARCEE : Springer! Oh, Springer. SPRINGER : Huhuh, not to discourage you, but what did I do to deserve all this? CROW: Jack squat. ARCEE : Ow, shut up. KUP : I dunno how you did it, but...thanks, Wreck Gar. WRECK GAR : Assembly required. Batteries not included, but I believe in me. MIKE: No cheers for you this time, pal. ARCEE : Rodimus, look who's back. RODIMUS PRIME : {Absent-mindedly} Yeah, good to have you back, Springer. TOM: Rodimus. What a guy. SPRINGER : Well, don't let your enthusiasm overwhelm ya. CROW: That's really a lot easier than you think. RODIMUS PRIME : Sorry. I've been thinking about the Quintessons. Who they are, why they treat us as enemies. From what I saw back on that asteroid, I think the answer may be in the matrix, in the memories of the ancient Autobot leaders. MIKE: And it's only 39.95! SPRINGER : So just get blasted again and almost die. Then you can enter the matrix and find out for sure. ARCEE : He's only kidding. Tell him you're only kidding. SPRINGER : He knows, Arcee. He's not as dumb as he looks. C'mon, let the boy cogitate if he wants. He won't do anything rash, will you, Rod? {Arcee and Springer leave; Rodimus Prime short-circuits himself} CROW: In the words of the immortal, "D'OH!" RODIMUS PRIME : Where am I? Is this the matrix? TOM: Oooooh, he got it the first time. ROBOT 1 : Rodimus Prime! You have embarked on a journey into Cyber- tron's distant past. Prepare to look into the face of your creator. {A Quintesson appears; after that, Cybertron in the past} Eons ago, Cybertron was a factory, build by the Quin- tessons to manufacture robots. There were two product lines: military hardware and consumer goods. These two product lines were the linear ancestors of the Decepticons and the Auto- bots. In time, the Quintessons endowed their products with a simulated intelligence. Now, the machines could manufacture themselves. And before long, they grew too lazy and greedy to bother even with that. There were simpler ways to wring performance out of their slaves. MIKE: Ahhh, capitalism. {Picture of a Quintesson guard striking a robot with a whip, and thereby dismantling him} ROBOT 2 : The Quintessons simply recycled it on the spot. The Quintessons also used the robots to entertain them. machine was pitted against machine: gladitorial combat. Some of us, however, found this pointless combat repellant, and sought to put a stop to it. TOM: And you did REAL good. ROBOT 3 : We failed... But the seeds of revolt had been planted, and would one day yield a terrible harvest. What the Quintessons failed to grasp, was that their robots had developed emo- tions; they knew and felt the difference between freedom and slavery. And that oversight sealed their fate. CROW: I have a dream! (others slap him) {The robots' victory over the Quintessons is shown} AUTOBOT 4 : For a time the robots lived in harmony. But this did not last. The former consumer goods-who called themselves Autobots - sought a peaceful existence, while the military hardware wanted conquest. And they got their way... AUTOBOT 5 : as they terrorized the Autobots. TOM: Why didn't they just go somewhere else and terrorize them? AUTOBOT 6 : Knowing we could never defeat the Decepticons with firepo- wer, we turned to stealth and invented the art of...trans- forming. MIKE: Oooooooh. Fancy! The Autobots ruled for many centuries. But, in time, the De- cepticons also learned how to transform. Thus, one fateful night, far below the city, Megatron was born. CROW: You know it's Megatron, not Galvatron, because one is cool and the other sucks. TOM: Huh huh huh huh huh. OPTIMUS PRIME : The matrix was passed to Alpha Trion, the oldest of Auto- bots, who kept it safely hidden for many years. Until the next Autobot leader appeared. A gentle robot known as Orion Pax, who was fated to become... ALL: Duh. RODIMUS PRIME : ...Optimus Prime. OPTIMUS PRIME : And so he began the third Cybertronian war, which rages to this day. CROW: But did he *really* start it? Or was he *forced* to? MIKE: The world may never know. RODIMUS PRIME : And the Quintessons...are our creators?! OPTIMUS PRIME : Through all these centuries, they have waited for the proper moment to strike, to reclaim the planet that we Transformers took from them. CROW: And that moment would be when they're really pathetic, as is everyone else? RODIMUS PRIME : And now they're going for the gusto, right? OPTIMUS PRIME : Do not forget what you've learned of our past, Rodimus. From its lessons the future is forged. SPRINGER : {Bending over Rodimus Prime} Are you crazy? Why'd you short- circuited yourself? Wake up, you, you moron! TOM: My, he's articulate. RODIMUS PRIME : It was the only way...into the matrix. SPRINGER : I was wrong: he is as dumb as he looks. MIKE: Yeah, it's a problem you guys share. ARCEE : Springer! RODIMUS PRIME : No more jokes, Springer. Cybertron's in deadly danger. We're heading back there. Now! SPRINGER : Yes sir, mister leader sir. TOM: You know, I detected *just* a hint of sarcasm there. {Quintesson base.} GALVATRON : We shall attack on two fronts then? QUINT. 1 : Correct. Simultaneously on Cybertron -and-on-Earth. CROW: WHY? Everything you need is on Cybertron! Earth is *FAR* away! They can't send help that quickly! {Earth; the Contructicons are fusing things in a city together.} SCRAPPER : The bridge {?} joint is almost complete! OCTANE * : I'm ready with the beacon! : Sleep sound, ye Earth creatures, for your awakening shall be rude. ALL: Ooooooooh. {Morning.} MIXMASTER : Constructicons to Galvatron. Hhheh. Trypticon is ready! CROW: You know, Mixmaster sounds a lot like Igor. {Space.} GALVATRON : Transform it! {Earth; Trypticon is transformed.} [Humans panick] [Trypticon growls] [Humans panick] [Decepticons cheer] MIXMASTER : Trypticon lives! TOM: "It's....alive!" {Space.} GALVATRON : Then Autobot City dies! ALL: Uh huh, whatever, sure, don't hold your breath... (etc.) PILOT : Mayday! Mayday! Request landing clearance! PERCEPTOR : We must deny their request. KUP : And let a shuttle full of innocent humans die? I can't do it. MIKE: Kup, come on. You aren't THAT stupid. PERCEPTOR : Cybertron's safety might depend on it. KUP : I...I just can't. Let 'em land! CROW: Yes he is. TOM: Nah, he's just sentimental. PILOT : Thank you, Cybertron! SILVERBOLT : We've spotted her... We're too late! She's about to hit the... {Boom.} MIKE: The what? Dammit, we need to know! GALVATRON : Decepticons, attack! QUINT. 1 : The Decepticons will destroy the Autobots. TOM: Okay, whatever. QUINT. 2 : Then, we will crush the Decepticons... CROW: And how the hell will you do that? QUINT. 1-1 : ...and soon, very soon now, Cybertron will be ours! MIKE: Please. TOM: Much more to go? CROW: Just one more episode! MIKE: How did they manage that? TOM: Volume! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | _ | "SPOON!" -- The Tick | | / / ong |=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | / /__ ive the | JUST REMEMBER THIS: DEATHBOING IS GOD! | | (_____) egion! | When there's no one there, it's Norg. | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | Remember: VOTE CTHULHU! DON'T SETTLE FOR THE LESSER EVIL! | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=