Improvements
By Annie
----------------

PART ONE

It was summer 1980, and John was about to enter Fourth year: 
his most important. If he was to get the exam results he wanted, 
he would have to really try and concentrate, and shut out the 
bullying and rejection that had dogged him in his First, Second 
and Third years.

He had come from a primary school where his quiet attitude and 
weak frame and earmarked him for bullying. He spent a lot of 
time alone or with the few friends he had managed to make. All 
he wanted to do was keep away from the aggressive types and 
lead a quiet life. He always thought he would probably make a 
better girl than a boy, but didn't really think about it too much. 
Girls always seemed to be left alone to get on with things; to do 
their schoolwork, to play in peace with their friends. John's life 
was an endless tirade of name-calling, chases and beatings. It 
wasn't even as if he'd done anything to encourage them, like 
mincing around or acting particularly girly.

He had eventually gone to Secondary school and hoped the 
change of environment would help his situation and he could 
start again. But of course the very people he hated and made his 
life so trying went to the high school too, and so it started again.

Never mind, he thought, it was Fourth year next. He had spent 
two years taking shit from the others but had made some good 
friends too. John had also learned all the best places to hide and 
the best routes to go to avoid trouble. He hoped that maybe by 
keeping away from the others and buckling down to the work, 
he would get those passes and finally be free. He was either 
going in the direction of computers, which were rather clunky in 
those days, but interested him a hell of a lot, or acting and 
music, which gave him a lot of pleasure.

It was the Friday before he was due to start school, and John 
was determined to do as little as possible on his last day of 
freedom. He lay on a blanket on the grass listening to Radio 1 
and thinking how idyllic the setting was. All he could hear was 
the radio and the birds in the trees. Although it was very warm, 
he still wore his shorts and T-shirt because he hated the way he 
looked, but left his feet bare; he loved the feeling of the grass on 
his feet. He was able to let his mind wander again and for the 
first time in a while, he thought about how his life may have 
been had his Mum had two daughters. He didn't so much 
fantasise as rather think of the differences or parallels his life 
may have taken.

"Suppertime", said his sister Louise, as she approached carrying 
a large tray. She went over and sat down on the blanket and 
gave John a nudge.

"Hey, come on then, Mum made this special"

"Mmmm", said John, as he sat up and got ready to eat. He was 
surprised to see that it was 6pm already. It was still sunny and 
hot however.

Louise had just turned nineteen and seemed quite happy with 
her lot in life, working as a sales assistant in a photo shop, since 
photography was her main hobby. She had just finished a week 
of holidays too and although we only bumped into each other in 
the evenings usually, we had spent a bit of time together over 
the past week, and had sort of gotten to know each other again.

"What are you doing tonight then?" she asked.

"Nothing", said John, pouring the Coke.

"Listen, you, you've got to go and do something.. You can't 
just spend the last day of the hols lazing about"

"Why not?? Isn't that what the summer's for?"

"Oh great", said Louise. "I tell you what. you could give me a 
hand getting my darkroom setup in the loft. Dad finished it this 
morning. how about it?"

"After supper, OK?" said John, who supposed it might be 
interesting enough, since he was never usually allowed near her 
photo stuff.
They polished off the rest of the ham salad and went back 
indoors. 

Their Mum took the tray and smiled at her children. "Nice 
supper?" she asked.

"Yeah Mum, thanks.", said John and gave her a little peck on 
the cheek as he left for his bedroom. His Mum was surprised at 
the unexpected gesture, but it pleased her nonetheless. She had 
been so worried about him recently.

John went to his wardrobe and put on a pair of trainers but kept 
his shorts on. it was too hot. He tended to keep mirrors turned 
to the wall, something which worried his parents a bit, but John 
did not particularly like his reflection and only used them in the 
morning getting ready for school. His body had embarrassed 
him for years, and no manner of exercise or training could put 
muscle on his frame. He seemed destined to be a weedy little 
thing forever. 

When he got up to the loft, Louise was already unpacking her 
photo developing kit.

"Hey, Dad's done great here!", said John who had had to put up 
with sawing and banging for the last two weeks.

"Yeah", said Louise," Isn't it great? Get the enlarger out of the 
box and check it out will you.. I don't want sawdust all over 
it."

He went over and picked up the large box and groaned. God, it 
was heavy. John grinned at the name on the box. Durst.. 
sawDurst. hee hee.. That always made him smile. simple 
minds..

Louise was opening other boxes. He opened the box and lifted 
the enlarger out. It seemed to be OK, all it needed was a bit of a 
wipe.

"I'll get a cloth", he said, and he left the loft to go to the 
kitchen.

Louise looked towards the door and bit her lip.  She wasn't 
stupid. John had lost weight recently and she knew what was 
wrong. Worry. He was so scared of that school, but was so 
determined to make something out of himself he was going to 
drive himself to the edge. She felt powerless but wanted to help 
in some way, but she had no idea how.

Her thoughts were broken by John's footsteps on the stairs, and 
she turned away quickly to carry on unpacking. But John had 
noticed the look on her face.

"Hey. it's OK", he said softly, "I'm going to be alright. I've 
just got some thinking to do. It'll work out."

Louise went over and hugged him.

"I just worry", she said, "you've lost weight and every time I see 
you you're lost in some kind of dream"

"It's just something I'm battling with inside, Louise. It's gotten 
a bit intense recently, but I'm not depressed or anything, so I 
won't be doing something stupid."

"Just tell me what's going on then", she said," Maybe I can 
help."

"I really don't think you can right now. It's just going to take 
time.. Anyway. let's get on with the darkroom!"

Louise smiled. "OK"

The small room was laid out perfectly for a darkroom and Dad 
had built in work surfaces to the walls. The ceiling had a strip 
light and a red lamp for darkroom work fitted. All in all it was 
perfect for Louise. She had an inkling to do some serious 
creative work and so this had been a birthday present from her 
Dad.

Both the kids were born in May, three years and three days apart 
by date, and it was John's birthday in two days; he wondered 
what his Dad would do for him. Dad was great. He wasn't the 
kind of Dad who expected great things of his kids; he just 
wanted them to be happy. Although he was not a high wage 
earner, he tried to make birthdays special, and this loft 
conversion was wonderful for Louise. Even though it was his 
sixteenth birthday this year, John didn't really want anything 
special that year. His mind was far too preoccupied.

After about half an hour of unpacking and laughing, the room 
was well and truly ready. 

"Not bad, little brother", said Louise, "I guess I'd better take 
some photos"

She went down to her bedroom and got her camera

"Come on guys", she said as she ran into the garden", "I've got 
some piccies to take, and I want all of you out here"

John went into the kitchen, shrugged and he and his Mum went 
out into the garden while Louise got the camera ready.

"OK, just a few in front of the house", she yelled.

John and his Mum stood and smiled while Louise snapped 
away. John tried his best to sort of hide behind his Mum and 
found it hard to smile too hard. After about five pictures, Louise 
finished the film and went indoors to do some developing.

"I'm going to my room, Mum", said John, "I'm a bit tired. too 
much sun"
 
"Remember to get your stuff ready for school tomorrow, John", 
yelled his Mum.

"Yeah, yeah", said John.

He went inside and went up to his bedroom, hearing Louise 
working away in the loft. He looked out his school uniform and 
schoolbag and laid them out on his bedroom chair. He pulled off 
his trainers and shorts, turned on the television and lay down on 
the bed. After a while longer of thinking about his life, he fell 
asleep.

John awoke at 1am to the sound of static on the TV, so he got 
up and in the darkness crept over and switched it off. He could 
still hear the TV on downstairs, so he knew his Mum and Dad 
were still up. Louise was bound to be in bed by now. He went 
back to bed and sat on the edge for a minute or two, before 
bursting into tears. He lay down and hugged his pillow, crying 
inconsolably. He had just had quite a pleasant day today, and yet 
he knew that there was two years of hell ahead, upon which his 
whole life depended. What on earth had he done to deserve the 
treatment he received at school?? Again he found himself 
thinking that it might be different had be been born a girl.

At that point his bedroom door opened slowly and Louise poked 
her head in.

"John?"

John struggled to compose himself, but it was no use.

"I'm sorry, Louise, I don't want anyone to see this"

"Oh God, John, what on earth is wrong. please tell me!". She 
rushed over and hugged John tight and he held her close. 

"It's just too much, Lou", he said, "I can't let Mum and Dad see 
this"

At that point he let everything out. The school problems, the 
weight loss, the way he felt about being a boy. 

"Oh, John", said Louise, now crying herself, "I don't know what 
to say. I don't know how I can help!"

"You can't, Louise", John sniffed, "it's just something I have to 
live with. I don't know if I have the strength to get through the 
next two years."

They talked, quietly, for half an hour about this and that and 
John felt somehow relieved that he had told his sister, and was 
amazed and heartened by her support and love. They had never 
really been that close before, but knowing she knew about his 
situation helped him calm down.

"I'm going to bed now, John. Are you going to be all right 
tonight?", she said

"Yes, I'm OK. It's not the first time I've cried myself to sleep, 
but you don't advertise the fact"

Louise smiled. "See you in the morning then. We'll talk more 
on the way to school then, OK"; Louise always gave John a lift 
to school in the morning.

"Sure. Listen, thanks. "

"You get some sleep..". Louise closed the door.

John lay back on his bed, emotionally drained. This wasn't what 
he wanted, really. He figured it was his problem, and he didn't 
want his family involved. On the other hand, however, he now 
had someone who he could talk to about it, if it got too much 
again.

He changed into a clean white oversize T-shirt for the night and 
went back to bed. So tired was he that he fell straight asleep, but 
had some interesting dreams. Dreams where he was at his 
dreaded school, but he was enjoying it. He was popular with his 
school friends, he was on the school swim team and when he 
saw a reflection of himself in a mirror at the school, he was a 
girl.


John awoke to the sound of his clock radio going off at 7.30am. 
The breakfast show slowly brought him to consciousness and he 
opened his eyes.  Then he remembered that today was school 
day. He groaned and turned over, but before he closed his eyes, 
he saw his walls. The decor was different. He sat up and looked 
around. It was his bedroom alright, but apart from the TV, the 
contents were all different. The carpet was a cream colour 
instead of brown, the walls pink instead of cream and his desk 
had been replaced by a dressing table.  

In a state of confusion, he got up, pulled his T-shirt down, and 
went towards the bedroom door, brushing his hair out of his 
eyes while doing so. He grabbed his long towelling robe and 
looked out while putting it on. Everything seemed normal. He 
could hear his Dad in the kitchen making breakfast, Mum in her 
bedroom with the hairdryer going and Louise in the bathroom. 
She popped out at that moment, getting a bit of a fright.

"Oh, morning", she said ,nervously, "it's all yours"
 
She seemed to have forgotten our little tˆte-…-tˆte the previous 
evening and he was quite glad. He wasn't quite feeling up to it 
right now.

John went into the bathroom, locked the door, and went to the 
sink. The mirror was steamed up after Louise's bath, so he 
grabbed a towel and wiped it. 

If you've ever got out of bed too quick, and found your head 
going dizzy, you'll know how John felt when he looked in the 
mirror. 

Staring back at him, open-mouthed was the face of a fifteen year 
old girl, with long brown hair down to her shoulders.

John stared at the reflection for what seemed an hour, but was 
only 2 minutes, examining every inch, feature and freckle. It 
was still him. He could see that. But it was definitely a young 
girl that stared back at him. After he pulled himself together, he 
realised there was more to being a girl than a face and looked 
down. He took off his robe, hung it up on the door hook and 
steeled himself for what came next. He lifted his T-shirt and saw 
white cotton pants underneath, and yes, it was smooth. He 
pulled the T-shirt over his head and there staring back were two 
smallish but perfect breasts. He collapsed on the floor with a 
bump, head spinning. His Mum's voice came from the bedroom 
next door.

"Joanne, are you OK?", she asked

Joanne??

"er.. Yeah, Mum, just slipped", he yelled and caught his breath. 
His voice had changed too.

"Well get into that bath. You've got 45 minutes to get ready and 
out to school"

John's mind took over and he got up and ran the bath. While it 
was filling up, he wiped the mirror again and, yes, there she 
was; Joanne. It seemed to be true. It was like a dream, but it was 
all too real. He could not believe it. A dream come true. At that 
moment, everything clicked into place and he knew he had to do 
everything as normal and just "go with the flow". He tied up his 
hair, somehow instinctively, jumped into the bath, washed 
quickly, noticing the new parts he had been given with some 
interest, got out of the bath and dried off. He put his bath robe 
on and, pausing to take a breath, opened the bathroom door and 
Joanne left the bathroom, leaving John behind, metaphorically.

She walked towards her bedroom and opened the door. Louise 
popped her head out her bedroom.

"How are you feeling this morning then?", she asked, "Ready 
for school?"

"Oh, alright", said Joanne (that voice again!)

"OK, see you downstairs, then. Toast and juice?"

"er.Yeah, OK"

She closed her door and Joanne closed hers. Wow!.. It was 
actually real. Her name was Joanne and she was Mum and 
Dad's daughter! She threw herself on her bed and giggled 
madly with joy.

Pulling herself together, she knew she had to get ready for 
school and so went over to the dressing table. She opened a 
drawer and found a pair of pants, bra and tights. Pulling them 
on, she got her uniform and put it on too. It was the same 
uniform as before, but with a blouse and skirt instead of trousers 
and shirt. Joanne picked up the hairbrush from the dressing 
table, sat down and brushed out her long shoulder length hair. 
She opened the makeup box on the table and applied a very few 
touches to her face then applied lipstick, finishing off by putting 
on a locket. 

She straightened her clothes out and looked in the full-length 
mirror on the wardrobe, and realised she had just dressed herself 
and made-up for the first time and it had been completely 
instinctive. She felt as if she had done it all before a thousand 
times. The figure in the mirror was now a pretty 15 year old 
schoolgirl. The one she had seen in her dreams the previous 
night! 

She grabbed her blazer and schoolbag and headed for the door. 
She had only had half an hour to come to terms with this, but 
everything seemed to fit together normally. The feeling of her 
new clothes and the gravity of it all made Joanne feel quite 
light-headed as she went downstairs to breakfast. 

She dumped her blazer and bag down on the kitchen chair and 
sat down at the table to see her Mum, Dad and sister for the first 
time, as it were. No effect. Dad was reading the paper, Louise 
was reading another, and Mum was taking toast out of the 
toaster.
Dad looked up and smiled. "Hi Jo". It was the warmest smile 
she had ever seen from him.

"Hi Jo", said her Mum

"Hi", beamed Joanne.

"Why are you so happy?", she asked, with a puzzled look on her 
face, "I thought summer was over"

"Oh, just glad to be going back", said Joanne.

"Well, eat your breakfast if you want a lift, 'cos I don't want to 
be late", said Louise, not looking up.

Jo sat quietly and munched toast and orange juice, her mind 
racing. She got her timetable out of her bag and saw her name 
written on the front; Joanne Palmer, and read that her first 
lesson was swimming. 

Oh God, she thought, talk about being thrown in at the deep 
end, literally! She looked in her bag and saw that she had 
remembered to pack her swim kit.

Remembered?

Finished off her toast, she saw it was 8.30am. time to go.

"Come on then, kiddo", said Louise, "Let's go"

She grabbed her blazer, put it on and got her bag.

"Don't forget, Joanne", said her Mum, "Be prompt home, it's 
your birthday meal tonight"

She then remembered; it was her birthday the next day, and the 
family were going out for dinner at a hotel.

"OK, Mum", said Joanne. She crossed the kitchen and kissed 
her Dad and then her Mum.

"Bye"

"Bye, darling"

She went to the front door where Louise was waiting and they 
left together.
Louise's car was a little white Peugeot and they got in started 
the car. As they moved off, Louise turned to Joanne and said 

"What the fuck is happening???"

Joanne's blood turned cold; Louise knew.

"Last night, I was hugging you while you told me that you 
would have rather been born a girl, and today I wake up early, 
go into your bedroom and everything's different!", she 
exclaimed.

"You got up early?", said Joanne

"Yeah, I was worried for you, so I got up about 6am, and your 
carpet had changed, your wallpaper and then, on the bed, was 
YOU! I went to bed thinking I was hallucinating"

"To top it all", continued Louise , "Mum and Dad get up and act 
is if you've been Joanne all your life, and then I get the same 
thoughts"

"How do you mean?", Joanne asked.

"Well, I still remember you as John, right? But now, I can 
remember Joanne too, and John is getting harder to remember!"

"I don't know what else to do. I'm just following my instincts", 
said Joanne.
They were approaching the school.

" Look, just try and get through the day and we'll talk tonight", 
said Louise.

"OK"

The car drew up to the school and Louise leaned over and 
hugged Joanne.

"Look, I'm totally at a loss here, I can't make sense of this, but I 
still love you and if it's a little sister I've got. well. that's 
great". She smiled and we laughed through tears together. 
Joanne got out of the car and waved goodbye, wiping her eyes 
carefully so as not to make them too red.

Ahead stood the school gates . As she walked towards them two 
girls she recognised from her class approached her and smiled.

"Hi Jo", said the smaller one, Cathy.

"Hi Cathy", said Joanne, "What's up?"

"Nothing", said Cathy, "Just meeting you as normal"

"Oh, yeah, right"

They walked across to the doors and the taller girl, Susan, 
asked:

"What was that with your sister, Jo?"

"Oh, It's my birthday tomorrow and she's doing something 
special for me."

"Aw. That's sweet of her. You two have always been close 
haven't you?"

"Yeah. She's my best friend too."

"Oh, thanks", said Cathy

Joanne smiled. "Apart from you two", she said, hugging Cathy 
and Susan's shoulders