Tracking shot of Deep Space Nine. The Promenade. A klezmer band have set up outside the Cardassian Lanes bowling alley and are tearing into "Paint It Black". The accordian player spots a disapproving Odo approaching around the bend, elbows the clarinet player, and the bunch of them have packed up and scammed out of there, the last one pausing to slam a bowler hat full of change on his head, before Odo can cover the distance. Odo (scowling after their flying coattails): "Buskers." Shot of First City, the capital of the Klingon Empire. Weather: overcast with scattered showers. The camera draws back, revealing the viewscreen frame around the picture. Further camera tracking reveals that we are in fact inside the building at the centre of the view: the mighty, dramatically lit Great Hall of the Ruling Council. The huge chamber is deserted, except for a few Klingons, mostly civil servants hurrying from place to place on various bureaucratic errands. Three musicians sit idly in one corner, their horn, drum and anvil silent. First musician: "SIStaH." ["Still raining."] Second musician: [grunts]. Third musician: "'It." ["Depressing."] Gowron is slouched in the chair of the leader of the Ruling Council, discontentedly defacing the ornate armrest with a d'k tahg knife. A Klingon woman enters and places a bowl of nuts on the scored surface. "meghraj." ["Your lunch."] "vIghovbe'. tar chojab'a'." ["I don't recognize it. Are you serving me poison?"] "HISlaH. jajvamDaq tar qajab." ["Yes. Today is my day to poison you."] He rolls the nuts around in the bowl. "nuq Dapong'a'." ["What do you call it?"] "qaSu'mey. tera'ngan Soj." ["Cashews. A human food."] He flares his nostrils. "tlhIngan jIH." ["I am a Klingon."] "HIja', vISov. meghraj yISop." ["Yes, I realize that. Eat your lunch."] He tries one. "QaQ." ["They're good."] A messenger enters and salutes. "joHwI', De' Dun." ["My Lord, great news!"] Gowron perks up and fixes his owllike gaze on the messenger. "yIja'." ["Report."] "may' Dun. enterprI' Qaw'lu'." ["There has been a great battle. Enterprise is destroyed."] Gowron widens his eyes and steps halfway off the dias. "toH. Hegh'a' piqarD." ["So. Picard is dead?"] "ghobe', joH'wI'. narghta' beq." ["No, my Lord. The crew escaped."] Gowron advances and takes the messenger by the collar, presses the d'k tahg to the Klingon's throat, and snarls: "vaj qatlh chonuQ." ["Then why do you disturb me?"] "Heghlaw' Lursa B'Etor je." ["Lursa and B'Etor are apparently killed."] Gowron's eyes widen further. He backs off. "jagh'pu'wI'. bInepchugh vaj bIHegh." ["My enemies. If you're lying I'll kill you."] "bInepbe'." ["I do not lie."] Gowron's gaze turns inward and he wanders away, rolling his head from side to side. The messenger follows him with his eyes, and whispers to the serving woman: "pum DuraS qorDu'. qatlh lopbe' ghaH." ["The House of Duras is destroyed. Why does he not triumph?"] Serving woman (hereafter maDelIn): "qoH. chaH poQ. ngoQ ghaH nob." ["Idiot. He needs them. They give him purpose."] "toH." ["Ah!"] "'ej B'Etor muSHa'pu'." ["Besides, he had a thing for B'Etor."] "jIyaj." ["I see."] "yIbej. wuq." ["Watch. He has decided what to do."] Gowron ceases his wandering and shoots a glance at the musicians. "nuqDaq may'." ["Where is the music?" (Literally: "Where is the battle?")] The musicians strike up an opening salvo. First musician: "nuq wIreHneS." ["What have we the honour to play?"] "LoDor valpergha je 'ay' SochmaHDIch yIreH." ["Play Lodore and Valperga, the fourteenth movement."] They begin. Gowron, pleased with his new resolve, sheathes his dagger and stomps purposefully to his throne. He turns dramatically at the step and declares: "rInbe' Qu'wIj. yIntaH be'nI' wejDIch. wo' buQtaH ghaH. vaj DuraS qorDu' vISuvtaH." ["My task is not completed! The third sister survives! She continues to threaten the Empire. Thus I will continue to fight the family of DuraS."] (As always he pronounces the name Duras as if it means "pile of shit".) He sits, and stares into the distance, hatching plots against the youngest sister of Lursa and B'Etor, and wolfing down cashews. Within moments the bowl is empty. He stares at it in surprise, grips it by the rim, and holds it out. "qaSu'mey. qaSu'mey." maDelIn walks over and grabs it from him. "DaparHa' 'e' vISovpu'." ["I figured you'd like them."] A starfield. We move toward the brightest speck, which grows in luminescence and resolves into a binary star system as we approach. Stellar matter forming a bright burning tail arcs away from the orbiting yellow star and spirals inward forming a glowing disk around the intense white dwarf star. We pass close by. Voiceover: "Crawlspace: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has gone before." We approach a planetary system. The great bulk of a gaseous giant fills the upper half of the screen. A jagged asteroid rolls by, revealing the words: Star Trek: Door Repair Guy A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word: Starring We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface speeds across the screen we read: Door Repair Guy as Himself Avery Brooks as Commander Benjamin Sisko Rene Auberjonois as Odo Siddig El Fadil as Doctor Julian Bashir Terry Farrell as Lieutenant Jadzia Dax Colm Meany as Chief Miles Edward O'Brien Armin Shimmerman as Quark Nana Visitor as Major Kira Nerys Cirroc Lofton as Jake Sisko Robert O'Reilly as Gowron Kelsey Grammer as Captain Bateson of the Bozeman and Natalia Nogulich as Admiral Nechayev Oh-oh. I'm reading a 23% degradation of the impulse reaction chamber's dispersion-strengthened hafnium excelinide containment shell. Something must have gone wrong with the replaceable crystalline gulium fluoride layer. We just got a new one two weeks ago! We must have encountered some kind of anti- proton intrusion into our universe back there in that last star system! Reactor shutdown is imminent! There it goes! What's this? We're losing attitudinal control! Structural integrity field power conduit number two is offline! Explosive decompression on Deck Three! Receiving multiple reports of steampipe rupturing! What's that? A mountain? We crash. [Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil: Shot of Q in rear admiral's uniform looking askance at a can of Quaker State motor oil.] Ops. It's the beginning of the morning watch, and the staff are still digesting the big news story of the day. Kira: "So, apparently, this El-Aurian scientist was blowing up stars to alter the course of this energy ribbon thing so that it could pick him up off the planet surface and whisk him away to the Nexus." Dax: "Hold on. What do you mean by 'blow up'?" Kira: "You know. Nova. Kablooey." Dax: "But in order to alter the course of a celestial object you would have to change the position or the mass of the neighbouring objects. A nova does neither of these things." "Well, I don't know. You're the scientist. All I know is that it actually worked, except that he accidently whisked Captain Picard away too, and Picard found another Starfleet officer in the Nexus, a guy from the 23rd century, and the two of them came back, duked it out with the El-Aurian, and prevented him from destroying the planet's sun, thereby saving not only the Enterprise crew but also millions and millions of people on a nearby planet." O'Brien: "Wait a minute. You're saying Picard went into the Nexus when the energy ribbon destroyed the planet, found Kirk, and brought him back out of the Nexus in time to prevent the destruction of the planet? How could he have done something the consequence of which was the prevention of the thing he needed to do? It makes no sense." Dax: "It's temporal mechanics, Chief." "Whooph." The control panel next to Dax's elbow emits a warning beep. She turns and investigates. "This is unusual. Sensors have just picked up a percheron emission originating in the Habitat Ring." O'Brien: "Percherons? That's strange. You don't see percherons every day, unless someone's operating some kind of heavy particle matrix parting system. I didn't think we had any of those on board. What coordinates did they come from?" "Room 04-451. Personal quarters, currently occupied by one of your technicians, namely Door Repair Guy." "Why doesn't that surprise me? Do you think the percherons could represent some danger to the station?" "It depends on what he's doing with them." "You know, I had a feeling this would turn out to be one of those days. This morning the replicator . . ." Sisko comes out of his office. "Isn't anyone going to investigate that percheron emission?" O'Brien grabs his toolcase. "On my way!" [Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil: Shot of Q eyeing the motor oil. He opens his mouth to speak, then stops himself, screws up his face, and glares off camera. "I don't need this, you know. I am omnipotent." A voice off camera responds: "Yeah, yeah." Q folds his arms and glares at the motor oil.] Shot of O'Brien barrelling along a Habitat Ring corridor, reading the door numbers as he goes. He comes up behind Quark who is carrying a large takeout bag and also reading the door numbers. Quark: "Explain to me again how these Federation door numbers work." "It's like a starship. Every level has a number. Then you divide the Habitat Ring into segments. Every segment has a number. Then each room is assigned a number according to its XYZ co-ordinates." "And do the segment numbers run clockwise or counterclockwise?" "Clockwise, if your point of view is above the station." "That's fine. Now which way is clockwise?" "Like a clock." "When was the last time you saw a clock?" "Ah. Well now. There's one in Commander Sisko's office." "Does it run clockwise?" "I'm not sure. Saltah'nan clocks might not run clockwise. Look, here's a clock." He draws on the wall with a finger. "This is clockwise, and this is counterclockwise." "I see. Now, some people say counterclockwise and others say anticlockwise. What's the difference?" "I don't want to get into anti-time." "Wouldn't it just be easier if this side of the corridor had even numbers, and that side had odd numbers?" O'Brien takes a deep breath. "Yes." Quark resumes his search. "The Cardassian's had a simpler method. Nufrek's room. Borot's room. Everyone was happy." "I'm sure the Bajorans were ecstatic." "Well, it beats their system. They only use auspicious numbers. Five, eight, thirteen, twenty-nine." "Thirteen is an auspicious number?" "Sorry I mentioned it." "Where are you going with that anyway?" "It's a delivery for that Door Repair Guy. Takeout from the Klingon restaurant. They won't serve him there because of some discommendation or other. Those Klingons. That Door Repair Guy is their best customer, but will they even come out of the kitchen when he's around? No. And they call it a service economy. So I do the pickup and charge a small delivery fee." "And you get the tip." "I deserve the tip." "Here it is. 04-451." He pulls out a tricorder. "Definitely the source of the percherons." He rings. "Percherons?" "They're a subatomic particle." "Are they anomalous?" "In this instance, yes." "Here." Quark thrusts the takeout bag at O'Brien and hurries off. "You deserve the tip." O'Brien rings again. No response. "Computer. Emergency access authorization O'Brien 333 YIM." The door swooshes open. He steps in. The room is decorated in early rec room revival. Along one wall is what appears to be a complete run of _Field and Stream_. Mounted above that is a taxidermically preserved SISbat'telh Dawt. Opposite is what must be the sector's largest collection of aural paleotechnology. A small fusion generator powers a tangle of components assembled with a view to playing anything from an isolinear rod to an Edison cylinder. A Lazy-Boy recliner occupies one corner, beside it a case of Labatt Y empties. Tools and spare parts are scattered all around the room in sort of an aura at the centre of which stands a large doorframe. Coaxial cables lead off from the base of the doorframe toward mechanisms of diverse origin -- Klingon, Cardassian, Romulan, even Benzite. Within the doorframe is a view of a city square. Two curved towers, one taller than the other, are cupped around a central mushroom-shaped structure. In the foreground stand a series of slender arches. O'Brien taps his commbadge. "O'Brien to Ops. I think somebody'd better get down here." As O'Brien waits for backup he sees Door Repair Guy approaching across the square, toting an armload of plastic bags past a bulbous bronze sculpture. He steps up to the doorframe and enters the room, only then noticing O'Brien. "Hey. Hi. Cool, eh? Toronto. I just came in from Sam the Record Man." [Commercial: Q for Quaker State motor oil: Q glances at the motor oil, then off camera, then approaches the camera, says, "Viscosity," with a sour look on his face, glances off camera again and asks, "There, are you happy?"] The door chimes. O'Brien hurries over and enables it. It opens to reveal Doctor Bashir. "Chief, what is this? Why is this door locked?" O'Brien, in sotto voce: "I don't need a doctor here, I need a scientist. Step outside and call Dax. And get Odo too." Bashir, drily: "Your wish is my command." DRG: "Who was that?" "Oh, ah, just Quark. He forgot to collect for the Klingon food." "Great! It's here!" He digs into the bag. "Racht?" "Er. I'm trying to watch my weight." DRG loads a handful of brown growths into his mouth and chews meditatively. His forehead creases. "Strange that Quark would forget to be paid." The door chimes. O'Brien answers it. Dax, Bashir and Odo are all there. Odo: "All right. What's going on here?" O'Brien, still whispering: "I'm not sure, but there seems to be a gateway of some kind leading directly to Earth. I just saw this man walk through it." "So!" Odo pushes into the room. "Absent without leave, are we?" DRG points to himself. "Are you talking to me?" Bashir, entering: "A transporter of that range is completely beyond our capabilities. The Iconians apparently once had a technology like this. I'd better get Commander Sisko here. Bashir to Sisko." Dax has gravitated over to the stereo system and begun rooting through the assortment of vintage recordings in various formats. She gasps and pulls out an LP. "Look, Odo, Leo Sayer!" Sings: You've got a cute way of talkin', You've got the better of me. Just snap your fingers and I'm walkin' Like a dog hangin' on your leash. Odo: "Musicians." The door chimes. Bashir answers. It's Sisko. "Why is this door locked?" He sees the gateway. O'Brien: "It's some kind of transporter, Commander. It goes all the way to Earth." "That's impossible." "See for yourself." He motions to DRG, who brushes his hands off and makes to go through. Odo: "Oh no you don't." Sisko: "Odo." DRG goes through and crosses the square. They all watch. Bashir: "That's a Henry Moore, isn't it?" The door chimes. Odo responds. It's Garak. "Did someone call me?" "I don't think so." "My, my, look at that." Sisko: "Get him out of here!" The door is shut. DRG steps back through the gateway, eating a bag of popcorn. Sisko: "Where did you get this?" "They sell it from little carts." "No, I mean the technology to build this." DRG: "I just put it together from spare parts." O'Brien: "He's right, Commander. There's almost nothing here that you couldn't get at any halfway sophisticated trading post. Granted, you'd have to have a decent grasp of various alien technologies. . . . How did you solve the pattern integrity horizon problem?" DRG: "Just needed enough horsepower." Dax, in the act of loading a ten-CD magazine into the CD player: "Of course! The percherons!" Sisko slaps the back of his own head in disbelief. "People. Listen up a minute. This is top top secret. I cannot go too far in impressing on you how top secret this is. If this were to fall into the wrong hands . . ." *Kira to Sisko. Communication from Gul Ducat.* "Sisko here." *Commander Sisko. Am I to understand that Deep Space Nine is being used as a test site for offensive transporter-based weapon delivery systems?* "You are not. Sisko out!" He looks around in exasperation. "Garak!" He takes a deep breath and glowers at Door Repair Guy. DRG: "You know, the thing really doesn't work properly. I was trying to get to Nepean 6 via an interdimensional gateway like the one in this weedwacker." He holds it up. Shot of Sisko, O'Brien, Dax, Bashir, and Odo at a loss for words before the weedwacker. [Bob: "Wow! Back to Door Repair Guy in just a moment, but first we're on the Internet to see what cyberheads are saying about Star Trek: DRG online." Image of Bob replaced by image of computer screen. "I've got my fav list all lined up here, and why don't we go into alt.fan.drg? Here's the list of articles. 'Dweenie contract negotiations.' 'Workboots.' 'Why won't Groucho Marx answer my e-mail?' Hey, this looks interesting. 'Complete lyrics to the Nepean song.' Let's see what it says, and you can sing along." Sings: Nepean, Nepean, It's a wonderful place to be in, With traffic signs and curbs and drains And lots and lots of passing lanes. Nepean, Nepean, From everywhere else they're fleein', To watch the transport trucks unload Or race the lights on Baseline Road. Nepean, Nepean -- Cut back to the couch. Two grips are wrestling it out from under Bob. "What the --?" "They're mobbing the building! We need this to barricade the doors!" "Back to Door Repair Guy in a second!"] [Commercial: Q for Q-tips: Q holds up a blue box of Q-tips, is about to deliver his endorsement, then remembers who he is, becomes agitated and squeezes the box so violently that cotton-tipped swabs fly all over the set.] The Klingon capital. Weather: wet snow turning to slush. Cut to the Great Hall. Gowron is in his chair, catching up on some paperwork. Messenger enters: "joHwI'. be'nI' wejDIch wISamta'." ["My lord. We have found the third sister."] Gowron snatches off his bifocals and stands, scattering a lapful of computer pads across the floor. "nuqDaq." ["Where?"] "Duj ghaj. DIvI' loghDaq ghoS." ["She has a ship. She is heading for Federation space."] "may'Duj yIngeH. yItlha'. yIQaw'." ["Send a battle cruiser. Pursue. Destroy."] "jIlobneS." ["I am honoured to obey."] Leaves. Gowron to the musicians: "nuqDaq may'." ["Where is the music?"] They produce a loud crash. First musician: "DaH nuq wIreHneS." ["What do we have the honour to play this time?"] Gowron rubs his chin meditatively. "Horst. yuQmey. marS." ["Horst. _The Planets._ Mars."] They begin, playing the Klingon arrangement for horn, drum and anvil. Gowron: "maDelIn. qaSu'mey." ["Madeline! Cashews!"] Second musician to third: "lojmItreH jey." ["Beats busking."] Third musician: [grunts]. A corridor in Deep Space Nine. Jake comes around a corner carrying a black suitcase. He looks around, sets the suitcase down, opens it, takes out a tenor saxophone, slips on a pair of shades, and begins to play. Odo leaps around the corner. "Aha!" Jake runs for it. Space. The stars streak by at warp speed. A K'Vort class Bird of Prey enters the shot, draws into full profile, and passes by, but not before the bright burst of a photon torpedo causes the curve of the vessel's rear deflector shields to come into shimmering relief. Cut to the murky reddish interior of a Klingon ship. The Weapons Officer turns toward the Captain and barks: "mup qar. wejmaH vatlhmey yoDmeychaj DIQIH." ["Direct hit. Their shields are reduced thirty percent."] Captain: "vatlh vatlhmey yInID." ["Try for one hundred percent."] "lu', joHwi'." ["Yes, my lord."] The pursuing vessel, a venerable K't'inga class battle cruiser, roars past, leaving us twisting our fingers in our ears and wondering whatever happened to that thing about sound not carrying in a vacuum. [Commercial: Q for Q-tips: Q is holding up a Q-tip and considering it. He turns to the camera. "Can you even begin to imagine the degree to which I don't care about your earwax?" Off camera: "Cut!"] The bridge of the USS Bozeman. Captain Bateson is reclined in his command chair, his mind several hundred light years away, and a slightly smug, self-satisfied smile on his face. He blinks and tilts his head one way and another as his mind free- associates around the general topic of his appetites. He swivels his command chair around. "Yeoman." "Captain." "Bring me a cappuccino, would you? And, and try not to put too much nutmeg on it this time. It only needs a pinch." He holds up his fingers to illustrate. "Just a pinch." "Aye, Captain. A pinch." "Just a pinch. Thank you." Communications Officer: "Admiral Nechayev on the line, sir." He sits up and buckles his lapel. "On screen." Nechayev glares down. *Captain. I'm happy to find you back in the field. I fear you weren't employing your best skills at Starfleet Command.* "I suppose some sort of tart reply would be appropriate at this moment." *Captain, a pair of Klingon warships have entered Federation space and are proceeding at high warp toward your coordinates. The ships are engaged in a running battle. Your task is to intercept them and turn them homeward.* Bateson slams his fist into the armrest. "We'll blast them to Kingdom Come!" *Captain. We are allies of the Klingons. This is an internal Klingon affair which has unfortunately spilled into Federation space. You must talk them down. Nechayev out.* "Talk them down. Well, Admiral Nechayev little realizes how fortunate she is to have real 23rd-century grit and determination on the scene. Am I right?" He swivels toward the bridge crew. "Am I right?" Yeoman: "Your cappuccino, sir." "Ah, thank you." "Captain, Klingon vessels on long-range scanner." "Plot intercept course. Warp 8. Engage." "Intercept in thirty seconds." "Hail the Klingons." "Which ones, Captain?" "Must I make all the decisions? Ah. Oh. The lead ship!" "Hailing. No response." "Then, the other one!" "Hailing. They are responding." "On screen." Shot of the bridge of the K't'inga battle cruiser. A Klingon turns toward the screen and barks: "ghonuQQo'. mavang." ["Don't bother us! We're busy!"] The Klingon hits a control and the transmission ends. "Captain, the Klingons are within weapons range. Captain!" Shot of first the K'Vort and then the K't'inga vessels shooting past the Bozeman. Bateson: "Um. Does anybody here . . . speak . . . Klingon?" [Commercial: Closeup of Q. He snaps his fingers and a small blue sphere appears next to him. "This is your planet." He takes a Q-Tip, stirs it around in a can of Quaker State motor oil, and swabs the planet with it. "This is your planet on fossil fuels." He laughs. "Go look out the window. If you can." Laughs some more.] Shot of DS9. Cut to Door Repair Guy's room. He and O'Brien are discussing the practicalities of various settings on a piece of Romulan apparatus near the gateway. Sisko is pacing up and down, waiting for Admiral Nechayev to return his call. Dax is on the Lazy-boy, wearing the headphones, bobbing her head and singing tunelessly: And if you don't love me now, You will never love me again. I can still hear you saying You would never break the chain. Kira's voice cuts in: *Commander. Two Klingon vessels have just entered sensor range. They're on an intercept course.* Sisko: "Klingons?" Shot of the stars at warp speed from the K'Vort vessel's point of view. Suddenly the stars jump down to subwarp and Deep Space Nine looms up. A Klingon transporter effect surrounds Door Repair Guy and removes him from his quarters. O'Brien: "What the . . . ?" Exterior shot of Deep Space Nine. The K'Vort-class vessel does a sudden about-turn and shoots off, pursued closely by the K't'inga battle cruiser. The wormhole blossoms. The K'Vort arches inward, releasing a volley of glowing photon torpedoes to stern. The pursuing K't'inga jolts and skitters sideways in the detonations as the wormhole closes up. Kira: *Commander. The first Klingon vessel has entered the wormhole. The second has suffered extensive damage. Incoming message from Admiral Nechayev.* Sisko takes a deep breath. "Put it through." *Commander. We're picking up elevated levels of percherons from your station.* "You don't say?" The bridge of the K'Vort-class vessel. Klingons at various posts around the bridge's perimeter turn and jeer at Door Repair Guy who is standing, a little disoriented, behind the command chair. "petaQ." "Qovpatlh." [These are both uncomplimentary.] The command chair rotates toward him. A Klingon woman occupies it. She smiles a snaggly grin. "marghyerIyt jIH. chay' ghamma jogh DaparHa'a'." ["I am Marguerite. How do you like the Gamma Quadrant?"] "marghyerIyt DuraS'a'." ["Marguerite Duras?"] "vIponglu'." ["So I am called."] A voice from a dark corner: "'ej qeylIS vIponglu'." ["And I am called Kahless."] Closeup of the founder of the Klingon nation as he steps from the shadows, eyes gleaming. Dramatic "To Be Continued" music. Caption: TO BE CONTINUED ------------ Written by Douglas A. McLeod, ai919@freenet.carleton.ca ------------